Anyone for a new high needs baby support thread?

[PterodactylTeaParty]

There used to be some high needs baby support threads on here, but they fizzled out a few years ago. So, does this sound like your baby?

1. Feeds frequently daytime
2. Feeds frequently nighttime
3. Needs to be constantly held
4. Won't sleep alone
5. Hates the car seat/pram
6. Short naps

Ever laugh bitterly at the phrase "drowsy but awake"? Find yourself staring in envy at the babies at baby group who lie happily in their prams gurgling at toys? Wanted to punch the oh-so-helpful person who mentioned making a rod for your own back while you paced up and down with your unputdownable velcro baby? If so, roll up and join in!

Dr Sears on 12 features of high needs babies: www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby

And 20 survival tips for parents: www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/parent-parent-20-survival-tips-parents-high-need-children

Still in the middle of 9 month sleep regression misery here. Last night she screamed like crazy at bedtime for half an hour, finally settled by 8.30, then up at 9, 10.30, 12.30, 2-4 (shoot me now), 6, and up for the day at 8. This morning when leaving for work I was standing at the front door staring at my keys, trying to work out which one would let me out of the house... and our front door doesn't even unlock with a key from the inside.

Anyone else find themselves reluctant to talk about just how hard it is sometimes? I feel so fragile at the moment I just can't cope with any well-meaning advice. I don't want to have to say "I'm so tired, she hardly slept last night" and then have to spend ages qualifying it (yes, we have a bedtime routine; no, I can't move her to her own room because she doesn't have one; no, I can't move the cot over to the other side of the room because she won't sleep without touching me at the moment; no, I don't want to let her cry because any time I've had to do that for more than a few minutes she's been spluttering and vomiting; yes, I have tried everything I can think of with her naps, and so on and so on). Sometimes I just want to be able to say "I'm so tired, she hardly slept last night" and leave it at that.

Yes teaparty people mean well- it's easier just to say yes I'm tired some times and not say how little sleep I've had. Honestly don't think people with easy babies can understand what life is like with a high needs baby. It is tough. It is not fun. But it will be worth it. (Or so i keep telling myself! )

Argh, I got the ol' "well you're just making a rod for your own back" this morning from a lady I'd only just met. I politely said that DD had emerged into the world with her own particular personality and that this was working for us at the moment. Hmm didn't feel very satisfying though - has anyone come up with a better retort??

Also took DD swimming for the first time yesterday. She lasted about 10 mins before starting her cough-cough-cry that signals the journey towards a meltdown. The teacher persuaded us to stay in the water as 'if you get out, she'll just associate crying with getting out of the water'. Against my instincts we stayed in and - yes - DD ended up in a complete and utter state - even BFing didn't calm her down for the first time ever. Sometimes I wonder whether to persevere with various activities when she invariably struggles, but if I did that, we'd never go anywhere and she wouldn't come to terms with the world... right?!

Pterodactyl and another as you're having a proper shit time

Yep I agree about not wanting to tell people how bad it is. I stupidly do, though, as I need to offload and then wish I'd kept my gob shut.

Icklekid people with easy kids definitely don't understand mine changed into a nightmare high needs baby after a few weeks. I'd actually said to my DP before 'I think we've got a good one here'.

Tea party- how tough.
Maymow- yep it's just how they are. I've been out and about countless times when dd has gone into full meltdown for people to say oh she must be tired or oh she must be hungry.
More often than not its none of those it's just her high needs sensitive personality and some tiny thing has set her off.
The amount of times I've had to run out of places with screaming dd.
And who knows why these high needs ones don't sleep very well. I feel like I've done everything by the book - regular bedtime, no dummy, no feed to sleep, no other sleep prop and she still bloody wakes up. Who knows why but she just does.
Have to survive the weekend as the nursery is not open. It's awful but sometimes I'd rather be at work than with dd.

It really pisses me off when someone asks if he's hungry - if he was I would feed him!

I totally agree Auntie - FIL's response to every noise DS makes is 'well I think he's hungry'. Drives me nutty!

When she's hungry now she doesn't cry immediately. She tries to lift my top up/pull it down, and lunges at my breasts. So no, it isn't because she's hungry (even DH! He knows better!)

TheOriginalWinkly ds used to do this crazed trying to latch onto my boob even though it was still covered thing until a couple of weeks ago when he decided he doesn't really want my boobs anymore :( I'm still trying to feed him because I don't want to stop yet but don't know how to get things back on track.

DD either does top-pulling, this weird thing where she sort of 'scans' my clothed breast with her mouth open looking for something to latch onto, or (my favourite) pointing at my chest while looking very serious.

Can I join?

I'm avoiding friends with babys, I can't bear to hear how well its going & how pleasant it all is, while my lo fusses & cries the whole time.... :(

jemimah sometimes finding mums of older children who were also fussy as babies can help! They can relate and help you not to feel so bad. Totally understand the frustration of being in a group of calm babies and mine fussing .I think realising he was getting tired early also helped as avoided over tired fussy baby!

auntie keep going if you want to but remember you are not failing if you give up. I am still sad we had to stop so early but I also remember the relief not having to fight every feed x

I really feel for you all. To be honest for the ENTIRE first year, or maybe a bit more, I ALWAYS preferred to be at work than with DS! It was so, so much easier and more rewarding. I have always been someone who loves and needs to work, so I was never going to be a SAHM, but I don't feel like that now. He is a lovely toddler and you will get there too.

Re: the sleeping, DS started to improve properly from about 18 months and slept through reliably from 22 months (though then disruption over Christmas mucked that up again). We did everything "right" from the beginning - excellent evening routine, taught him to self settle (eventually) etc etc, he still just woke up. To be honest, when he finally started sleeping through we both felt that something actually neurological had shifted, his sleeping just seemed different and obviously he was finally able to 'link together' his sleep phases. (Though actually I am a very light sleeper and I still often hear him talk/shout in his sleep at these light points, he just doesn't usually wake any more.)

It is really hard to enjoy anything at all when you have had so little sleep (except perhaps that first cup of coffee when you get to work!). It is TOTALLY OK to admit that you are not enjoying yourself with babies like this. And personally I found being at work on very little sleep easier to bear than being at home all day with DS, just because when I am very very tired I find emotional "work" more difficult than intellectual/admin work.

may baby swimming with my DS was a bit of a disaster too. There were so many times with him that I felt silly having to insist/explain that he was being overstimulated, or on the verge of it, by incredibly minor things. Trust your instincts on this one. I found it often helped to literally cover his face as I held him to block stuff out (often while feeding too) and also to have a sort of calming mantra to say over and over again for him to cling on to: for months and months I used to say "loooonnnnnggg breaths and deeeeeeeeeeeep sucks" like an idiot throughout almost every feed to keep him calm enough to feed properly. He wanted it so much but would get overwhelmed with his own desire and choke! I still sometimes say it to help him calm down now that we have reached the age of tantrums.

may we didn't have that issue with baby swimming, but at baby sensory I'm the only mum looking PFB because I cover her ears the second the jingly bells come out. The bloody awful cacophony noise of the bells over the music seems to almost be painful for her; the first time she tried to bury herself into my chest to get away and was incredibly upset :(

Thank you kalidasa. That is really reassuring to read. I am so glad I'm not the only person who's itching to get to work and feeling guilty about it - my boss is tough going in his own way sometimes, but he is nothing compared to my baby.

We did okay at baby swimming, although she was 7 months when we started so I think a bit more able to cope with things. Baby yoga at three months... not so much. I was the neurotic mother scooping her off the mat every time she started working herself up to cry. She didn't take well to baby yoga in general, either, but she has never really liked having someone else moving her arms and legs around for her.

I have good news - she only woke up twice last night! And both times she was asleep again within twenty minutes. I feel so so much better this morning. (Of course then I took her out for a walk in the pram today and she spent 20 minutes solid just screaming until I was in tears as well, but still, at least I'm not dealing with that on no sleep!)

(To clarify - I'm sure I looked neurotic, and the lovely yoga teacher kindly telling me I didn't need to pick DD up every time because it was fine if she made a little bit of noise didn't help with that, but I recognise that "The inconsolable endless screaming will start in three... two... one..." noise and wasn't about to let that happen if I could help it.

You hear a lot of snipy criticism at mothers who go rushing to soothe their babies at the tiniest little whimper, can't ever let their babies cry, etc., and I do wish people understood a bit more where some of us are coming from. I am really sensitive to her crying and will head it off at the pass any time I can, but damn, so would you be if you knew how little it took for the screaming to start and how hard it was to stop it once it had. She actually reduced me to tears myself on the walk today when she wouldn't stop crying - I think I'm still traumatised by the memory of all those car rides and pram journeys where the screaming turned into spluttery choking, and the months of scream, scream, scream that I just couldn't stop.)

PterodactylTeaParty ds has reduced me to tears many times - twice today although to be fair he probably wouldn't have been screaming if I hadn't spent so long sorting out a bottle therefore leaving him on his own thanks to dp leaving me with no clean bottles in fact DPs inability to understand/remember what needs doing to make things easier with ds upsets me just as much. He seems to have a short memory about how hard it is and quickly forgets how he struggles too.

PterodactylTeaParty we did baby massage around 2 months- as meant to help with colic - any position/rub he could do in my arms fine. Being put down....not so much. I really must take the plunge and start baby swimming - ds is 6 months now so generally a bit happier (fingers crossed won't scream the entire time!)

auntie there were no words Friday morning when I came down to see that dh had not washed or steralised the bottles. on thu eve whilst I was cooking and cleaning and had just bathed and got ds to sleep alone like I asked him to sort them. He said there was 1 left for morning so he would sort then. He didn't. He had gone to work after I had had very little sleep. I cried. .. anyway hopefully he won't be making that mistake again!

ickle they don't get it do they? ds's stuff is always the first thing I do before anything else.

We did baby massage when ds was about 3 months and he wouldn't lie down wanted to sit on my lap instead but we did it again before Christmas and he was much better - he would lie down even though he would chew on his toes and stuff!

I also need to take him swimming but it's me getting into a swimsuit and handling changing room I find daunting

auntie I went with my swimsuit under joggers and a sweater so that I could pull them off and then dress really quickly afterwards. I shower when we get home, once DD is dried and dressed I throw my clothes on, fling everything into a holdall and get out before my exhausted baby goes apeshit :)

Omfg my DD has been .waking up every 2 hours through the night, tonight and last night.

I feel so alone and desperate. I'd only been asleep 20 minutes since she woke me at 2am and she's awake again.

I really can't cope with this lack of sleep. My head is pounding. For fucks sake when are things going to get better

Hi can I join?
I'm on my second high needs baby. Dc2 is 10 weeks and so far even more hardcore than dc1.

Dc1 was that clingy unhappy baby and it was so lonely as none of my friends had babies at the time or got the whole baby thing at all. The good news is that by about 10 months it was just one feed at night (usually) and she slept through from 13 months and went on to become an utter delight - calm, funny, well behaved.

I'd so hoped for the famous easy second baby but it wasn't to be! Dc2 is so needy, I can't let her go to other people at all or it just escalates into rageful crying! She's had a few health issues recently so it hasn't been easy on her either and I'm just trying to be zen about it. But dh and I are so tired and the constant really hard on our 3 year old.

I so agree that people with easy babies just don't get the sheer loneliness of having a difficult baby who can't easily be 'fixed'. So for everyone, let's hope it gets better soon.

Greenstone nooo don't tell me that I need to believe the lie that dc2 will be calm and content! !! Welcome really good to hear that by 13 months dc1 was much happier - half way there auntie!

babyonboob I had baby insomnia last night too- ds woke 1.30 at 2.30 I was still awake. He then woke at 4 and I wanted to cry!

DD woke up several times last night before waking at 5am and wanting to play. DH took her upstairs (our house is upside-down) so I could sleep, and I just couldn't. Aaargh. Got an hour of sleep when she finally conked out again at 7 and he brought her down at least but I am exhausted. Up now with plenty of coffee - but she's just worked out how to pull stuff out of the kitchen bin, so this won't be a relaxing morning! (Are they ever?)

Greenstone, I can't imagine how tired you must be with a 3yo as well as a super demanding baby. Have some for yourself as well, you deserve them!

DS has been up every 2 hours for the past 2 weeks. I'm so tired I can barely function, and to top it off I have a cold. This has to pass soon, right? Babyonboob I totally feel your pain.

I think the lack of sleep is making the days seem very long. and I'm getting sick of everyone telling me that I have to get him used to going to sleep on his own - I'd love to do this, I just have no idea how. Is there a spell i don't know about or something?