Anyone for a new high needs baby support thread?

[PterodactylTeaParty]

There used to be some high needs baby support threads on here, but they fizzled out a few years ago. So, does this sound like your baby?

1. Feeds frequently daytime
2. Feeds frequently nighttime
3. Needs to be constantly held
4. Won't sleep alone
5. Hates the car seat/pram
6. Short naps

Ever laugh bitterly at the phrase "drowsy but awake"? Find yourself staring in envy at the babies at baby group who lie happily in their prams gurgling at toys? Wanted to punch the oh-so-helpful person who mentioned making a rod for your own back while you paced up and down with your unputdownable velcro baby? If so, roll up and join in!

Dr Sears on 12 features of high needs babies: www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby

And 20 survival tips for parents: www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/parent-parent-20-survival-tips-parents-high-need-children

Hi cosmicdancer - oh wow your post rang so true, that was exactly what my DD was like at 5 months! It is such relentless hard work, I know... DD took every single nap in the sling and co-slept at night until around 7 months. Anything else resulted in total disaster. She would never sleep in the buggy - still won't! She's just turned 1, and is on the move every waking moment - curious, excitable, easily bored - but also the most fun at all the baby groups we go to (and we go to a lot... she needs so much stimulation!)

Things got easier gradually. Bit by bit she didn't want to take her naps in the sling, and every now and again I was able to transfer her from the sling into the cot and she would thrash around and eventually settle. We were still in a pickle at 10 months with her sleep so worked with a no-cry sleep consultant who, over the course of six weeks, worked wonders - she now naps and sleeps all night in the cot. I never ever believed it possible...

So hang in there - I promise it gets easier and you won't necessarily have to do lots of harsh sleep training or anything like that. Once they're on the move I think life becomes much less frustrating. With hindsight I wish I'd been able to go with the flow a bit more, enjoy the closeness while it lasted and trust that the two of us would sort things out bit by bit, rather than worrying that I would still be carrying her in the sling everywhere aged 6... I really miss those sling naps now!!

Sounds like my DS at 5mo. He is 16mo now and asmittedly still hard work in comparison to peers who were calm babies but so much fun.

Just like in the baby stage you just have to find ways around it. For example, Sitting in a high chair for more than five mins is hard so he often has grab and go snacks meals. However ime high needs babies will become high needs toddlers but they give the best cuddles/kisses and are the most fun.

My advice in hindsight would be to not fight it. Do whatever it takes to make everyone happy and get the most sleep. If he wants to cosleep and be fed to sleep, do it. If he doesn't like the pram, use a sling etc. my 16mo still cosleep a for part of the night most nights and we rarely use a pram as he is much happier walking or in a sling.

Hang in there, it gets better (though maybe not easier) with every milestone.

I was PterodactylTeaParty before. My DD is now 19mo and still a fairly terrible sleeper, although on all other grounds she's easier than she was as a baby - so hang in there because it does get better! And even the sleep is better than it was. She goes to nursery now and will actually nap on a mat on the floor

I view most baby sleep advice now the way I view the pregnancy sickness advice I got when I had hyperemesis. It was generally well-meant, but totally clueless, not at all helpful, and just underlined to me how much people Did Not Get what I was dealing with. So I went from "have you tried ginger?" and "you should eat six small meals a day instead of three big ones" (hahaHA), to "have you tried shush-pat?" and "you should work on putting the baby down drowsy but awake" (equal amounts of hahaHA).

My favourite advice is "don't go rushing in at every little peep!". Wait - you're assuming I got out of the room in the first place? And that I have a baby who communicates in little peeps rather than call-Social-Services level screaming? Where do I sign up for one of those?

At 6 weeks a HV advised me to read DS a book and put him in his Moses basket and that that should make him sleep. 6 weeks old! Even for a normal baby that sounds ridiculous! I think I looked at her with the eyes of the manic sleep deprived woman I was and she quickly finished what she had to do a left sharp-ish!

Thanks for all your replies! It's good to hear what to expect. Tbh I wasn't expecting some sort of miraculous change in temperament it would be unrealistic to assume that my active, high needs 5 m.o would suddenly become a super chill 16 month old. And in all honesty 5 months is a already a bit easier than 3 months, because he can roll around on his own, and due to his curiosity he loves "exploring" toys and touching different textures I just need to make sure there's always something 'interesting' wishing his sight/reach. The hardest is the sleep, I need to get out the house for my own sanity, so I have to endure the 20 min pre-nap cry in the stroller, which sucks, but at least we both end up getting some air. He's also getting a bit heavy for sleeping in arms/sling so I am hoping that s l o w l y month by month I can get him down for short naps on his own...
The other hard part is how people just don't get what it's like. Everyone in my NCT group has much calmer babies and they keep inviting me for lunch and all that but the last time I went I ended up with orange juice on my lap (obviously my DS' doing) and having to orbit the restaurant in order to keep him from crying of frustrated boredom. Not...fun....at...all.

So you guys didn't try any sleep training? I feel like it's all a bit useless with HNBs. May I ask if you still breastfeed? I'd like to wean off breast around 8/9 months but I have no idea how that going to go down because he doesn't take the dummy and isn't capable of self soothing..

I don't like the idea of sleep training personally and I'm not even sure it would work for my DS. However at 5mo you should easily find a sling that is comfy for you both and will allow your DS to get a good view of the world and sleep without the 20mon pram cry (that sound torturous). I still carry my 16mo who is very tall and about 26lb/11.5kg comfortably in a sling. Try getting to a sling library and I'm almost certain they will find you something. Slings literally saved me still do .

I stopped BF at 5mo under the illusion that formula would make him sleep. It did not and I wish I'd carried on as it meant I had to make bottles and I'd lost a tool to comfort my DS. He did and still does have. Dummy though, which helps loads.

Didn't do sleep training. Might have considered it if I thought there was a chance in hell she'd have been one of those babies that fussed for five-ten minutes then went to sleep, but wasn't going to put either her or us through hours and hours of vomit-covered screaming! I did buy No-Cry Nap Solution and then, um, didn't ever get round to reading it but have heard others talk about having success with the no-cry methods.

Still breastfeeding, and still using a sling quite often (it's just much easier on public transport). I can't really carry her any distance in it on my front any more but can manage on my back pretty well. We have an Ergo.

I remember those NCT meetups! Everyone else with babies lying gurgling happily in prams, and me pacing up and down with mine in my arms, passing her a constant stream of stuff to play with and hoping she'd give it another five minutes. Ended up developing a love of iced coffee because I never dared drink anything hot!

WOW ! Yep my 15 months DD has been high needs as soon as she recovered from the epidural and came back to life...suddenly 2 days in we were in for a shock... She is now still a high needs toddler but she did gradually...very gradually get better at being in the pram & car seat. Now she is pretty good at those after just lots of exposure to them ! Things we found helped - slings, realising when she didn't like her environment and was overstimulated eg. noisy or windy place & not letting to many different people hold her. She hated that. We let her sleep on her front after a while which was a godsend ! I was scared about it but she was ok, she could lift her head up and turn it from side to side from birth, she was very strong. And I slept right next to her. She actually slept properly on her front and even slept through the night for a lot of the early newborn bit which was a blessing as she was a nightmare all day and would hardly sleep/only one me/on the boob - never let anyone hold her...much to the annoyance of some of my family members and friends... I was told it all "you're spoiling her" "you should just leave her to cry" ...Bollocks ! She is def a 0-60 child and always has been. I remember she would only sleep in the day if she was swaddled in a straight jacket swaddle, I was singing or there was music on, and if I was bouncing on my pilates ball...OH NO Simple jiggling around or walking around or rocking would not do !! This caused my episiotomy stitches to burst after 2 weeks at home,,,hoorrrayaay ! Thanks DD. Haha. I can laugh now but it was hell. I had 10 years experience as a nanny so I knew it wasn't 'normal' and that I had been given a difficult baby....! Around 4 months old she stopped sleeping through and started waking up A LOT at night which made things so hard as she was so hard in the day and at night too..I was running on empty. She would never just be content in the baby gym - screamed like she was being murdered after 1 minute. Hated baths, hated being dressed, hated being a baby hated the world hated me hated my milk it felt like ! ARG!

I had a very traumatic birth (40 hour labour, supposed to be a water birth but after 2+ hours of pushing in and out of the water they said DD was stuck and my body was eating itself from exhaustion so they had to transfer me to delivery suite for help & I ended up with epidural, drip to get contractions going again, episiotomy and ventouse ! The massive blood loss, anemia & then DD wouldn't latch for 5 days so I fed her with a syringe of hand expressed colostrum. Turns out she had 95% tongue tie that the pediatrician at the hospital has missed...) Basically I thought she was very attached to me because of her difficult start in life but actually I think this is just the way she is...Same as the other posters she is VERY clever - did everything early, says loads of works - had 20 words before she was 1. She's so inquisitive and social - she loves being around people and loves having attention on her. Still won't be held by anyone and cries when I even think secretly to myself about leaving the room. I swear she is psychic. If I think about someone she says their name. If I think about someone she doesn't know she says 'Man' (if it's a man) etc. She's so in tune with me and attached to me it's unreal and suffocating at times. But YES I did managed to night wean her and sleep train her at 7 or 8 months - WHITE NOISE helped immediately. And I night weaned her at 1 year - her Dad and my MIL took over for 3 nights and after that she got the message no more boob at night time. A few weeks after that she started sleeping through on her own - THANK GOD ! She's still a lot of work, cries and screams and whines a lot ..seems to have separation anxiety a lot of the time...But she is now starting to play a bit on her own..occasionally will wonder into diff room of the house without me...Will venture off on her own in the sandpit now. But still needs a lot of input and reassurance is still BFing. Massive tantrums when I try and refuse so I have to distract her a lot as I want to stop by 18 months. I think she is just an old soul in a baby;s body and hated being a baby and being in the world a bit when she was little ! Sometimes I feel like she'd like to just crawl back inside me and sometimes the way she climbs on me and buries her head in my tummy whinging I think she really wants to climb back inside ! haha. It does get better just very gradually. Just have to accept them for who they are. So hard though and draining. People don't understand unless they have a baby like that. I used to cry whenever I'd see a baby happily content in the pram or cooing and gurgling in a baby seat or gym ....whilst their mother sipped a latte and read the paper at a cafe...ARG ! Lucky buggers. I love her so much though and she's amazing little spirit - hopefully she will be an easy teenager or something !

cosmicdancer - We did sleep train but it didn't work very well at all until we tried white noise - an old radio tuned to static - It worked immediately the first night ! She woke and cried for 30 secs and settled herself with the help of the white noise. Now we are too scared to get rid of it haha ! I did try and cut down breastfeeding around 1 year old...had it down to 1 in morning and 1 before bed. But she ramped it up again when teething more recently so again trying to distract her to cut down and eventually want to give up by 18 months. She's very into it ! Eek. Easier to stop before 1 year I think as then they can ask for it and pull at your top and have tantrums !
Something else that helped sleep training is cutting the association between bfing and sleep- Gave her boob after bath but then got her dressed in PJs and read her a story so she didn't go directly in cot after boob. I was terrified to do this (at 7 or 8 months) as I thought no way will she accept going down awake without boob ...but she did ! A little bit of crying but not too bad. Surprised me ! What really made her sleep through properly was night weaning though with the help of my DP and MIL. After 3 nights she got it no more boob at night. Then few weeks after that she slept through. Phew.

I remember those meet ups with other Mums...makes it so hard to make friends because they don't get it and you can't talk to the other Mums as you're either outside or walking around the cafe trying to stop your baby from crying out of boredom or frustration. My MIL always says though "At least she's not one of those potato babies who just stares at the ceiling for hours" haha...nice way of putting it. We call her a 'sparkle unicorn' ...from that term Sparkler ...haha. Silly but makes us feel better. Good to talk to others and realise we are not the only ones and it's not just because we're wusses - they really are THAT hard !!!

Wow, thank you for your replies, you have no idea how refreshing it feels to hear feedback from mums who GET IT. I sometimes feel like I'm being a whingey, miserable cow for not 'loving every minute' of spending time with my DS. I think it goes without saying for every mum that they adore their kid when you seem to be the only one around with a duracell baby.

You're all right in that any form of crying related sleep training is probably a terrible idea with HNB (and I'm against those forms of training anyway) -- I just wish I could figure out a way of not having my DS sleep on me for every nap and essentially latched on all night long.. it's breaking my back.
As per slings, he hates the chest facing ones cuz they're too restraining, and the hip slings (I own a suppori) is great for awake time but he won't nap in it... I'm also petite, and babywearing can be really uncomfortable.. my friends comment on how the baby's half my size now haha. He's getting better with stroller naps though.. the screaming has turned into 10-15 mins of grumble whining and then he sleeps about an hour. It feels like a huge achievement. He won't sleep without me at night though, even when I get up to pee he wakes and cries. It's madness.

DS was a surprise baby, but my DP and I embraced it and have been hugely excited to start a family. Needless to say, once we realised we didn't have a 'textbook baby', things got a bit strained -- I became envious that he gets to get a 'break' every day (he also works in a very social industry so drinks are frequently involved), he says its not a break its work, and I think he genuinely doesn't get just how tiring a 12 hr day with DS can be..
Moreover, I think he is a bit jealous of the fact 110% of my energy goes to the baby. Intimacy is obviously very difficult when you've got a tiny bald man permanently attached to your boob. As well meaning as my friend;s advice to 'leave baby at home and do something with your partner once a week', finding a sitter that can manage DS ain't easy... and we don't have any relatives around to help.

This is more of a rant than anything as I realise only I can fix my marriage.. a baby is a test to any relationship but a HNB is a trial like no other I think!!

I just missed out a chunk of a sentence... sleep deprived much?? *it's still very lonely and frustrating when you seem to be the only one with a duracell baby

Urg I remember when my daughter would only sleep on myself or her daddy for the first 3 months and the concerned "that's not right" looks I would get was so frustrating! Just because your little one slept peacefully in a moses basket from day one doesn't mean they all do! Inlaws also said I was spoiling her!