So how do you handle it when the child of a gentle parenter keeps physically attacking your kid?

[beerisbetterthanwine]

I have recently joined a toddler group that I have been looking forward to a space becoming available on for ages. But one boy there keeps deliberately physically attacking my son. This boy is at least three, more likely 3 and a half and is over twice the age and twice the size of my ds. Last week he came over when my ds was sitting down and stamped on both his feet as hard as he could. His mum did take him to another room and gently explained to him that this was wrong. He did come over to apologise and then went over to his mum saying ' That was a good gentle apology wasn't it?', for which he got lots of praise. Fair enough. Except ten mins later he grabbed hold of the hood on my son's jacket and pulled backwards as hard as he could so that my son jerked down to the floor, smacking his head against the wooden floor boards. His mum didn't really do anything. This week he slapped my ds hard across the head. His mum sat him on her lap for a gentle chat. He spent the rest of the time on his bike very clearly trying to ram it into my son as he toddled about. I basically had to spend the whole time acting as a physical body guard for my son. The mum did stay with her son and say things like, 'ooh now careful with the steering, go around justpick's son' which missed the point. His steering wasn't poor, he was trying to ram my ds. He is absolutely delighted when he attacks my son, he grins from ear to ear. He does it because it is fun and he can do it without consequence, my ds can't fight back and his mum just effectively gives him a cuddle and a gentle chat, i.e. lots of attention.
I never used to be anti-gentle parenting but now I see it as a hyper individualistic, egotistical, self indulgent crap. My ds effectively seems to be collatoral damage for her parenting experiment. It's okay for him to get stamped on, slapped and smacked about for as long as it takes her ds to slowly, gently learn that this is wrong.
I'm fuming.

Oh and she never, ever speaks to me or apologises or acknowledges her ds's behaviour to me in any way. I seem to be invisible to her.
How would you handle it?
Sorry for the ranty post btw, but I am raging.

Oh god when will the relentless sniping cease.

I was discussing something someone brought up with someone else on the thread.

Not "making it my agenda"

You clearly have an agenda which is to dissect my posts and bully me. Just stop it.

And yes I said I was off.

But why should I have to read this bullying shite.

Either stop it or..if you have an issue with me discuss it with me.

Stop all the snide references to " a poster".

I was bullied at school but i damn well won't be bullied at my age by bitchy people hiding behind keyboards.

Silly lass, I totally accept your point about this not being gentle parenting. I was going to put in some sort of qualification but the Only words I could think off I was worried would be misconstrued and there has been enough Ill feeling on this thread already. And I had to get ds to his nursery settling in. Anyhow, I accept there are lots of great gentle parents who wouldn't behave as this woman does. Maybe I will call her a faux gentle parenter? She clearly does have a particular approach she is following.

Anyway, witnessed a great handling of physical conflict at nursery. Now ds's nursery is I guess quite alternative, follows approach of someone called froebel. Extremely child led and nurturing. All wooden and nature toys, kids free to explore, make their own choices etc. There were a group of older kids, maybe four to five yrs old, and one girl crying. Worker asks why. Told joe punched her. Joe was asked if this was true, asked why he hit, told why he shouldn't of and than, vitally, asked to go inside and think about what he did. I think this consequence is vital. The concepts can be difficult for little kids to grasp, but the consequence shows that this is a big deal. It makes an impact.
Can I also be clear that I absolutely don't blame the three year old. As I said previously. He is only three.

And.

The disablist post about SN which I addressed has been deleted.

If addressing such posts wherever they happen is an agenda then I am happy to have one.

hi beer, re your posts to me this morning: I think you think I'm a Gentle Parenter and am apologising for this woman's approach with her child. Im not, I parent the way I think is appropriate or however I can manage with the least stress. Sometimes that involves chocolate.

I was explaining how I would react in that situation. I wouldn't start a new toddler group and then criticise someone elses parenting of their child as a) you don't know what she is dealing with in her life and b) it might not help your child. If that parenting impacted on my child my priority would be that it would stop doing so, therefore I would talk directly to the child but I don't think I'd let my roar out - my kids and most of my street have probably heard my roar, usually leaving the house for school, I've never needed to find it but I think there is a time and a place. I have been the parent of a child who went through a hitting stage and it was a shock and I wasn't on the ball until I realised it was happening, I was also tired and having panic attacks and it was nice to get out and have a coffee with my friends. I'm not sure someone bollocking me would have been a good idea nor made much difference at the time though I did buck my ideas up I found it exhausting constantly chasing my child so sometimes I didn't get it right.

I based this explanation on how I did react at the beginning of the year to a child who did this to everyone at a group I went to but who 'liked' my children particularly, my ds was 2 and my mindee was 1, child was older. I know it was an attempt to make friends as said girl has grown out of it now and is much better at making friends and much less annoying.

I had presumed this was your first dc & that he was 18m. I felt that from your op there were 2 incidents the first week (mum dealt with first but not second) and a slap the second week followed by the bike thing. From reading that I didn't get the impression of systematic violence against your child but you were there and you did, so perhaps that is my interpretation of your post. However I was also thinking about this thread last night and wondered if child was picking on your son because he is significantly younger and it is a sort of curiosity? Anyway that probably doesn't help much. Reading your post about nursery I'm guessing you have been through the 3 yr old stage with your older child so that you do understand how knackering it is to police them all the time. FWIW I think all EYFS is child led, that's certainly how I implement it and the state pre schools my kids have been to.

to clarify that last paragraph was just an explanation of some assumptions I had made in my previous posts not a snipe at anyone.

oh god when will the relentless sniping cease

When you stop posting:)

You keep saying you will, but you don't.

If you have a look back, there is only one person who keeps on about it. You won't be getting an apology from me I'm afraid, and there has been no more "disablist" stuff which needs defending so I think you ought to do what you keep saying you are going to do and leave the thread.

You acknowledged you upset OP and apologised, so no need keep coming back to clog up her thread. You haven't referred to her situation (the point of the thread) since the first page.

You seem determined to have the last word and I think people have been very patient with you. You are starting to look a bit strange, honestly.

Pot kettle black there happy.

I do only have one child mane hanger. Sorry, iPad keeps autocorrect ing your name! Ds was briefly in another nursery and have visited others and this nursery is v different from others. Much more child led, environment is different, staff interactions are different. I love it! Ds is already much happier there. I could bore for Britain on subject of this nursery!
Back to topic. I never said I was going to bollock the mother, and I think my posts have indicated that I want a more constructive way to handle it. I get the impression she would not be happy about me talking to her son anyway. She whisked him up when I started last time.
Yes, I do absolutely believe he is targeting ds. That is absolutely clear. Very likely he is curious about him but no, that does not help solve the problem.
She may have problems, she may not, but she still needs to take ownership for her son targeting a little kid to whack. and my son is tiny. He still fits in some of his three to six month old clothes! He needs protecting from this kid. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it is the bottom line.

True Harold F has apologised, OP is fine with that, I shan't go on about it. Hopefully it will be dropped now, as I do want to get beck to the thread.

Mane... Blimey! Your ways are not mine at all, you sound very patient, although I don't know if faced with the situation in reality, anyone could maintain that sort of attitude. But good for you if you can!

you don't know what she is dealing with in her life

This made me cringe really. I'm not very articulate but it feels like a real last resort, scraping the barrel of a reason for OP to let it go.

That does sound what you are suggesting.

Happy. The little girl is not the only time I have tried this and it would work, it is not the same as the mum going off and discussing concepts with a child it is about showing a child how to interact with another and then monitoring how it is done. 3 is very young - many adults struggle with conflict.

I have now attended toddler groups a minimum of 3 times a week for 11 years in 3 different places with 5 different children, i have managed conflict well using this method and the way I did it was noted as a positive in my ofsted report, I'm not suggesting it without some experience and I don't get upset when it happens I just do my best to diffuse it in a way which models good behaviour for the kids. What I don't have is direct experience of what happened to op's son at this place with this child for that I have read a brief description of what happened.

Beer that is the bottom line, if you don't want to talk to her I think some of the blocking techniques might work, some good ideas on here.

You must be gutted waiting so long to get into the group. I actually stopped taking DS to similar for around 6 months when his hitting was really bad, she really should be doing a nit more here.

cringe away.

beer, my most recent post was written without seeing your last post. i see now that you have the one child. In that case I must admit that some of my first posts did assume that you had the one and also were written in reaction to mentions of tigers, bears, roaring and bellowing.

Happy.

That doesn't mean anyone should roar at another persons toddler, or tell the mother she is a useless parent, but I think OP should step in and ask the mother to control her child, regardless of what her personal circumstances are.

You missed the first time your child hit, but this woman has seen it more than once and had plenty of chances to deal with it
Maybe your child was curious, but your situation seems very different to this.
I think it's a stretch to assume its just childish curiosity here. A three year old will know he is causing pain IMO

I think the fact she is new at the group is irrelevant. Are you going back OP?

I agree with that, be the hovereerer for a few sessions and see what happens, maybe it will enable a conversation to open.

Silly lass, of course I'm not expecting this indulgent mother to change. I am expecting her to help keep her kid away from mine.

Silly lass. No, you are missing the point. I don't think I can effectively protect ds by myself. Don't you think I have been hovering since the first incident? And actually I do think you should speak out to protect others.

Obviously if it doesn't work and this kid keeps going next term I will have to leave.

What can she do if not speak to the mother silly lass?

Leave the group? Move her son? Don't you think its worth trying to speak to the mother? Not about her parenting in general, just about her son hurting a child. Ask her to keep him away?

Sorry, we posted at the same time

Ask the group leader for help/guidance. There should be safeguarding protocols in place. I had to move my DD at 14months forma playgroup (no parents) where one violent child was hurting the others and the leaders were not skilled in handling violent child and protect the others. I knew as I volunteered there as a helper and saw how he tore into the others.

Tell other child to stop hurting your child please. Intervene gently but intervene.

Good luck.