So how do you handle it when the child of a gentle parenter keeps physically attacking your kid?

[beerisbetterthanwine]

I have recently joined a toddler group that I have been looking forward to a space becoming available on for ages. But one boy there keeps deliberately physically attacking my son. This boy is at least three, more likely 3 and a half and is over twice the age and twice the size of my ds. Last week he came over when my ds was sitting down and stamped on both his feet as hard as he could. His mum did take him to another room and gently explained to him that this was wrong. He did come over to apologise and then went over to his mum saying ' That was a good gentle apology wasn't it?', for which he got lots of praise. Fair enough. Except ten mins later he grabbed hold of the hood on my son's jacket and pulled backwards as hard as he could so that my son jerked down to the floor, smacking his head against the wooden floor boards. His mum didn't really do anything. This week he slapped my ds hard across the head. His mum sat him on her lap for a gentle chat. He spent the rest of the time on his bike very clearly trying to ram it into my son as he toddled about. I basically had to spend the whole time acting as a physical body guard for my son. The mum did stay with her son and say things like, 'ooh now careful with the steering, go around justpick's son' which missed the point. His steering wasn't poor, he was trying to ram my ds. He is absolutely delighted when he attacks my son, he grins from ear to ear. He does it because it is fun and he can do it without consequence, my ds can't fight back and his mum just effectively gives him a cuddle and a gentle chat, i.e. lots of attention.
I never used to be anti-gentle parenting but now I see it as a hyper individualistic, egotistical, self indulgent crap. My ds effectively seems to be collatoral damage for her parenting experiment. It's okay for him to get stamped on, slapped and smacked about for as long as it takes her ds to slowly, gently learn that this is wrong.
I'm fuming.

Oh and she never, ever speaks to me or apologises or acknowledges her ds's behaviour to me in any way. I seem to be invisible to her.
How would you handle it?
Sorry for the ranty post btw, but I am raging.

DGD 22 months got pushed hard by another child at toddler group. Other child is well known for being rough on the little ones. The first time I cuddled DGD but when little one was shoved hard down the slide I took the other child straight off and said in my firmest voice " Do NOT push xxxx"
Mother looked a bit sideways at me but kept her child away from scary lady and small girl from then on.
There are advantages to not giving a damn.

It is possible for a child to behave badly and not have SNs you know. If nobody is allowed to discuss parenting of behaviour issues, without it boiling down to an argument about the possible SNs of the child it creates a whole aspect of parenting which can't be discussed at all.

Fanjo As for schools sharing confidential medical records, you can't work with a child effectively if they SNs, if those SNs are not disclosed to the volounteer. In the school I work in children with SNs are flagged in staff meetings so that all staff are aware of their needs and the procedures in place for dealing with them. In small primary schools children come into contact with all staff and parent helpers, therefore they need to be aware of course.

Cosi. Yes of course that is possible.

But as a parent you cannot, or should not be able to categorically rule out another child having SN. I love is just a parent. If helping I doubt you'd get full detail on SN unless it was relevant. Confidentiality is important.

6 is young and could also not be diagnosed.

People are too quick to label kids brats and balme the parents sometimes when they don't have the full facts. The only people who should know if a kid has SN are the school and the child's parents.

And if people don't know the facts they should hold off on the judgypants wearing.

God I am glad my DD is not in mainstream

Youmakeme. Feel free to disagree with me.

No need for snide bitching or digs about my name surely, if we are adults.

There are those types.

And then theres me who spends a lot od time supporting people.

On this occasion however I thought perhaps the OP may have been overreacting.

Sometimes opinions from all sides are helpful.

Nice to read I am "twisted" though.

Who do you think you are?

I would be absolutely fuming too OP. Mum sounds really pathetic. Of course he keeps hurting your son - he gets rewarded with a cuddle and a cosy little chat with mummy every time he does it!

I would challenge the child firmly as other posters have suggested up thread and would bring mum's attention to her little darling's behaviour every time it happened.

Poor kid - he's going to be seriously unpopular because of his mother's shit parenting

Yes I agree Fanjo, he may indeed have some SNs, but, in my experience, there are far more children who are just badly behaved than there are those with SNs. Children SNs are just as likely to behave well anyway as Nt children are.

Could you not ruin OPS thread further with your own agenda. You've made your opinion obvious, no need to keep posting.

Cosi. Yes there are.

My issue was with

A) iloves snarky comment about "SN bandwagon".
B) her insistence she knew 100% the child had no SN and just shit parents.

Youmakeme.

I am addressing someone elses post about SN.
And your frank rudeness.

Commenting on posts in a thread is allowed.

If you dont like it then you are free to leave

If you read up I didn't bring up SN

I coach sport to children and not all difficult children have SN. Seems to be a get out clause for discussing bad behaviour which makes some posters feel uncomfortable.

Regardless if the child has SN - if they are violent they should be removed from the situation, not be given a free pass.

Sure it's allowed. Bad manners though to be unkind OP and make her feel worse than she did to start with, and the start banging on about your daughter etc on the same thread.

God now I'm doing it!

I agree with you monkey

I think some people should have started their own thread if they wanted to endlessly discuss something.

OP how are you feeling? How do you think you might move forward?

Ahh yes. 'Gentle parenting'. And all the other bollocks labelled names. Some children I've personally known being parented this way are famous for trying to stab other kids in the eye with biro pens, coughing all over people's food without being reminded of basic manners and basically acting like little shits. I can't really describe it any other way to be honest but by God, this type of parenting seriously is a concern when children aren't taught empathy and consideration for others. My friend is a psychologist and has serious concerns about the way this type of parenting in its most extreme form is going.

Well tough.

I discussed it here.

Get over it.

Tell the mother her DC keeps attacking your child and continues to do so even when he has been told not to

Tell the playgroup leader

If he does it tell him in a stern voice to stop as your DS does not like it whilst stopping him attacking your child so the dm can see your having to physically intervene. Stand between them whilst tell if him off

Make sure you do it every time so she has to make some sort of contact with you. If he's doing this to your son I'm guessing he has done it to others as well at some point.

My dD doesn't behave badly.

No SN is not a "get out clause"
Or a "bandwagon" or any other nonsense like that.

I see MNHQ's "This is my child" campaign really did not hit home to some people.

Oh lord, I've been in this situation when dd was about 18mo.

There was a little boy (maybe around 3yo) who used to take great delight in smashing into my dd with one of those red and yellow little tykes cars. He would literally sit and wait in it until she stood herself up and began walking and then he would begin peddling towards her The bruises she came home with some days were awful. The mother wasn't interested, so one day I decided I'd just had enough. I quite literally screamed "DON'T YOU DARE!" at him (whilst pointing at him ) just as he was about to run her down again. I scared the absolute bejesus out of him. I don't think the terror had ever had so much as a raised voice directed his way before.

He left her alone after that. He also gave me quite a wide berth anytime he saw me. I wish I could say I felt bad at scaring a small child, but he bloody needed to learn that it wasn't acceptable. I think every kid goes through a phase where they need to realise there's much bigger and scarier than them in the playground. I hate that I had to do it, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I had to.

I don't know. I wouldn't be that upset about the 3 year old behaving badly. I just really wouldn't be fuming about it. Neither would I be fuming about the mum. I don't think I have the energy to fume. If the woman, for whatever reason, isn't effective in talking to her child then talk to him or to yours. everyone except the crude one seems to have one point of view on this thread, if she follows your advice op is going to go in fighting which is unnecessary imo.

I second the Chinese burn idea and maybe a flick to the forehead.

My friend and her DP parent in this way - their DS is now 7, and it's no longer cute or gentle. He's a little horror, none of the other kids want to play with him, and we've all started to make excuses when she suggests meeting up with the DCs - we just meet as adults now. They are moving soon, and there are quite a few sighs of relief. If she wasn't so lovely we'd have fallen out by now, big time.

Gentle parenting is a euphemism for completely ineffectual parenting when it turns out kids like that. You need to be very firm with both him and his mother - "NO, STOP THAT, MY DS DOES NOT LIKE THAT. GO AWAY". Every time. If necessary, stand beside your DS and keep the other one away. What an utter PITA for you though - it might be that moving to another group is the only solution.

I remember reading on a forum;

'How can I gentle handle my 8 year old daughter carving her name into the neighbours BMW with a stone?'

'Gentle parenting' is not gentle, it creates children who will suffer extreme disappointment when they become adults.

Missthang yup I'm with your friend. As teens I find a real -scary- lack of respect or kindness towards whatever the gender of the main parental influence (usually mum) after this parenting. It can be quite scary. Like they associate others, especially adults of parental age, as doormats tbh.

Scary because it makes the kid vulnurable too. They don't realise not every grownup is that gentle and many will metaphorically or even physically slap them down.