So how do you handle it when the child of a gentle parenter keeps physically attacking your kid?

[beerisbetterthanwine]

I have recently joined a toddler group that I have been looking forward to a space becoming available on for ages. But one boy there keeps deliberately physically attacking my son. This boy is at least three, more likely 3 and a half and is over twice the age and twice the size of my ds. Last week he came over when my ds was sitting down and stamped on both his feet as hard as he could. His mum did take him to another room and gently explained to him that this was wrong. He did come over to apologise and then went over to his mum saying ' That was a good gentle apology wasn't it?', for which he got lots of praise. Fair enough. Except ten mins later he grabbed hold of the hood on my son's jacket and pulled backwards as hard as he could so that my son jerked down to the floor, smacking his head against the wooden floor boards. His mum didn't really do anything. This week he slapped my ds hard across the head. His mum sat him on her lap for a gentle chat. He spent the rest of the time on his bike very clearly trying to ram it into my son as he toddled about. I basically had to spend the whole time acting as a physical body guard for my son. The mum did stay with her son and say things like, 'ooh now careful with the steering, go around justpick's son' which missed the point. His steering wasn't poor, he was trying to ram my ds. He is absolutely delighted when he attacks my son, he grins from ear to ear. He does it because it is fun and he can do it without consequence, my ds can't fight back and his mum just effectively gives him a cuddle and a gentle chat, i.e. lots of attention.
I never used to be anti-gentle parenting but now I see it as a hyper individualistic, egotistical, self indulgent crap. My ds effectively seems to be collatoral damage for her parenting experiment. It's okay for him to get stamped on, slapped and smacked about for as long as it takes her ds to slowly, gently learn that this is wrong.
I'm fuming.

Oh and she never, ever speaks to me or apologises or acknowledges her ds's behaviour to me in any way. I seem to be invisible to her.
How would you handle it?
Sorry for the ranty post btw, but I am raging.

Sorry not had time to read all posts but did read Fanjos about me 'over-reacting'.

Stamped on, head slammed hard onto wooden floor, slapped on head, rammed hard with bike.
Believe me, I haven't reacted hard enough.
Thanks to everyone else for understanding.

I'm all for gentle parenting as in not hurting or belittling children but no consequences is bollocks. It does serious harm to children and society.

If she doesn't want to be firm with him, she needs to take him home. As someone said upthread, that is a natural consequence.

A lot of people here seem to be confusing gentle parenting with permissive parenting. There is a difference.

You will have encountered plenty of 'well-behaved' children who have been parented gently and I dare say plenty of poorly behaved children who have been parented in other ways.

Fanjo, and as for inviting others to leave the thread, actually I have found everyone else very helpful.

Well I am happy for you.

I meant you overreacted to say she did nothing.

That was all.

You got the answers you wanted on the thread so why bother about my voice of dissent.

A natural consequence is one that would naturally follow rather than one that is chosen by someone else . For example, if my child leaves the kitchen tap running a natural consequence is that the kitchen will flood. If I then tell them that they can't watch TV as a 'consequence', this is actually a punishment.

Seriously. I even said sorry I was a bit abrupt earlier.

Go for it anyway. Shout and do what you want to the woman and the boy. You have everyone's blessing.

I wouldn't be that upset about the 3 year old behaving badly.

Really? You wouldn't be upset at a 3 year old stamping on your smaller child, smacking his head into the floor and trying to run over him on a bike? All whilst the mother ineffectually hugs the older child as punishment

Fanjo, you're like a dog with a bone, come on, give poor op a break.

beer hope you get it sorted out, nothing worse than seeing your child get picked on. Wine is better than beer btw

I meant you overreacted to say she did nothing.

I don't think the OP did say the mother did nothing did she? She said the "punishment" was ineffectual and did not stop the boy to keep hurting her young child.

Yes. Am telling OP not to worry about my dissent but to go for it with everyone elses advice as they seem behind her.

Hardly not giving her a break or going at her. Jeeze.

Its not the OP that folk are going at here.

Owl. Well we read it differently.

I merely disagreed.

I said sorry I had been a bit abrupt.

But I only disagreed.

I then addressed someone else's point about SN and that was wrong too.

Clearly I am just the biggest bastard on earth.

Or maybe no.i was just disagreeing.

And then wished OP all the best with going with thr majority advice.

Seriously no need for bullying from everyine calling me "the crude one" and making snide remarks about "someone needs to..."

I was a bit abrupt at start but admitted it.

Then I was merely disagreeing.

So you can stop huffing amd trying to make me look bad OP.

I wish you all the best on doing what the majority here supports. Thats what MN is about.

Am off to do something productive.

oh sorry i was agreeing with you fanjo that was a reference to someone finding your name too crude to type, it made me chuckle.

no owl, I wouldn't get that upset, kids do stuff like this all the time.

II could be considered a gentle parent. This isn't how I allow my child to behave.

In fact its lazy parenting imo.

I have no problems saying x you are hurting y by ramming him with your bike. That isn't how we place together. Please stop.

If his mother doesn't like it then tough and I'd tell her to deal with the behaviour more effectively

You didn't merely disagree, you implied the OP though the boy should be beaten. She simply said what the mother was doing clearly wasn't working.

And then wished OP all the best with going with thr majority advice.

lol. Yes, no snarky sarcasm there at all, oh no no no.

The other mother is not effectively parenting her son who is stamping on another child, smacking his head on the floor, slapping him and repeatedly trying to run him over. She is allowing him to deliberately target the OPs son with no real consequence (eg taking him home). She hasn't even apologised to the OP yet somehow the OP is overreacting. Strange.

Kids do things like this all the time, yes. But the parents need to deal with it.

Ah I feel sorry for your dc then mane - no sympathy of mum when your getting the shit knocked out of you

One of my DBs was like this at nursery. He kicked a helper in the face when she tried to stop him biting another kid and that was he last straw, he was banned. Before that incident there had been a few others which included him repeatedly hitting a kid he had singled out. IDK why he would do this at 3. He floored him and strangled him, he hit someone in the face with a toy digger and drew blood. My mams quite shy and very quiet so I can imagine her being more embarrassed than anything else but would have told him off outside. He great low out of his bad behaviour but was a terrible toddler. I also have a DD with SN and if she was repeatedly hitting a child she would be removed and disaplined for it. It's not on when the DM is sitting watching and not doing anything to prevent it happening. If she knows he is going to do it then she should intervene before it get to the stage his is laying his hands on your DS.

kids do stuff like this all the time

Not in any activity I've ever been to and not in such a targeted wY with no consequences they don't. I've been to my fair share of toddler groups etc and seen many children lash out. I have never seen one child systematically and regularly target a younger child in the way described and with such a useless reaction from the parent.

Actually Fanjo, I don't feel anyone but you is going at me or failing to give me a break. I have been given a far wider and more considered range of advice that just shouting at the woman or child, as you characterised it.

I did appreciate your recognition of being abrupt until the over-reacting comment which was kinda provoking again.

I have no intention of shouting at anyone btw, that would make me look like a crazy lady. I will consider the range of advice I have been given. I might go to the mum and say something like, ' what can we do to make sure your ds doesn't hurt mine today, as he has the past two weeks.' And I think I will speak a bit sharply to him if he does get near enough to ds to touch him though will try to make damn sure he does not. In fact, if he comes near I may just tell him to keep away as he has been unkind to ds last week.

Youmakemehappy, you are right. I am angry at myself for not saying anything today. Thanks for understanding.

Thanks everyone!

Beer - it would be absolutely fine for you to model that it's perfectly acceptable to say, firmly, "No, that's not kind. BeerJr doesn't like it. Stop it now." You can teach your child that it's OK to be assertive and protect yourself (and that does not have to involve shouting, Fanjo).

And, as an aside, I'm somewhat incredulous that someone is on mumsnet, complaining about rude words. Clearly in the wrong place It's somewhat like walking along a nudist beach and complaining about the tits.