So how do you handle it when the child of a gentle parenter keeps physically attacking your kid?

[beerisbetterthanwine]

I have recently joined a toddler group that I have been looking forward to a space becoming available on for ages. But one boy there keeps deliberately physically attacking my son. This boy is at least three, more likely 3 and a half and is over twice the age and twice the size of my ds. Last week he came over when my ds was sitting down and stamped on both his feet as hard as he could. His mum did take him to another room and gently explained to him that this was wrong. He did come over to apologise and then went over to his mum saying ' That was a good gentle apology wasn't it?', for which he got lots of praise. Fair enough. Except ten mins later he grabbed hold of the hood on my son's jacket and pulled backwards as hard as he could so that my son jerked down to the floor, smacking his head against the wooden floor boards. His mum didn't really do anything. This week he slapped my ds hard across the head. His mum sat him on her lap for a gentle chat. He spent the rest of the time on his bike very clearly trying to ram it into my son as he toddled about. I basically had to spend the whole time acting as a physical body guard for my son. The mum did stay with her son and say things like, 'ooh now careful with the steering, go around justpick's son' which missed the point. His steering wasn't poor, he was trying to ram my ds. He is absolutely delighted when he attacks my son, he grins from ear to ear. He does it because it is fun and he can do it without consequence, my ds can't fight back and his mum just effectively gives him a cuddle and a gentle chat, i.e. lots of attention.
I never used to be anti-gentle parenting but now I see it as a hyper individualistic, egotistical, self indulgent crap. My ds effectively seems to be collatoral damage for her parenting experiment. It's okay for him to get stamped on, slapped and smacked about for as long as it takes her ds to slowly, gently learn that this is wrong.
I'm fuming.

Oh and she never, ever speaks to me or apologises or acknowledges her ds's behaviour to me in any way. I seem to be invisible to her.
How would you handle it?
Sorry for the ranty post btw, but I am raging.

Yes, children get hurt and hurt others. All of mine have been bitten, bitten, or been slapped or slapper etc etc. Children do not routinely get subjected to regular and deliberate attacks in the way this child is doing.

yes so I wouldn't get that upset by the kids behaviour i can understand getting upset by the parent's inability to deal with it. However we are talking about a 3 year old and I feel fuming is an overreaction. No I don't give my kids much sympathy, I tell them to avoid the child and I give them methods to deal with it. They are older but I started this at a young age. They are confident and they are good at dealing with conflict. My youngest is three soon, he doesn't bash other kids but has gone through that phase. if a kid starts bashing him he moves away.

I just dont think the general consensus on this thread of going in and bellowing at a three year old was helping op that much. You need a bit more discussion on a thread not just people agreeing with each other.

How does a toddler avoid an older child who is deliberately seeking him out and trying to run him over?

I wasnt going at you OP.

By "shouting" I meant standing up to the woman and child which seemed to be majority decision

I wasnt actually being snarky.

I was asking why you were so upset about my dissent as I am just one person.

I just wasnt attacking you.

So please.stop being offended.

I see dissent is not popular on this thread.that was a terrible comment to mamechanger about her not having sympathy for her kids. Really below the belt.

I even said I was abrupt about the beating thing.

Ie apologised.

I am not in need of flaming and am not having a go at OP. End of story.

In my experience you hover over your child. Then when other child does nasty item you bend to one knee so similar height and say rather assertively "No! That is not nice. Stop!" Keep hands low on your own knee to stand up. So no one misconstrues a hand movement.

Then stand back again. Give it 3. Then ask the parent to intervene. You must remain calm.

Then go home and post here to rant about the fucking awful child and shit psychobabble believing numpty of a parent. (And breathe....!)

at the group i went to today there are currently a lot of 3 year olds ready for nursery. as well as my kids i mind a very gentle and not that mobile 20month old. I never leave her alone at that age as she is often knocked over, she is also very quiet so older kids prod her a lot to get a reaction. aint great, i tell them not to do it and i am with her all the time because i know she wont physically keep her balance if a bike comes her way. i also have to let her be knocked a little bit as it's part of growing up and unlike my younger kids she isn't used to it.

it's very tricky to do as your natural instincts are to protect them but it's also important to let them fight their own battles. the balance I feel is to do it without letting them get hurt in a significant way. Of course a small toddler cant get out of the way but part of the reason I go to toddler groups is so that through example and experience they learn to. I don't feel bellowing at kids is a particularly useful way of dealing with it, as I said in my first post I usually do it in a polite way. off to watch footie now.

As I said....

yes I know and so much more succinctly x post minnie!

Finally (I know I said I'm watching footie, that beer is waiting...) I meant kids do this all the time, ds is in reception and is constantly being battered by some kid, the other day was dragged round on his back for ages. It does happen all the time I dont mean it should but it does, Id be fucking knackered if I fumed every time one of my kids was hit. And I don't mean that you shouldn't be upset that your baby has been hurt op as he is a teeny one, i realise it's very different.

I thought you said you were going to do something productive?!

You've been intentionally mean towards OP, not abrupt, UNKIND.

You didn't have to agree with OP, but you didn't have to dismiss her feelings and make out she was silly either. You didn't post to help, you posted to hurt.

You offer a half arsed, apology and then you go straight back at it again. Then derail the thread to talk about yourself and your opinions on something else.

When people point this out, you get offended, then sarcastically wish the OP well, then say you are going, but instead carry on posting, complaining about being flamed, and sounding as though you expect an apology!

manechanger
I've got 2 in primary and one in senior and non of what you have said has happened to any of mine. They might have the odd spat but there's no way the school would let kids do this to each other and 3 different playgroups/nurseries haven't either

Mane hanger, I am not fuming at the child. He is only three. I believe children have a natural tendency to violence and need to be socialised out of it with adult guidance. I am fuming at his mum for failing to address his targeted and deliberate violence to my son. I feel that my son being repeatedly hurt is an acceptable price in her eyes for her to continue in her style of parenting. God forbid he should have to deal with a consequence to his behaviour!
He can't get out of this kids way. This kid targets him. For example, it was only him and ds outside today and the kid was chasing him around on the bike to ram him. Ds goes to plenty of kid groups, including mixed age. He is used to knocks and tumbles and shoves. This is something else. This is a kid delighting in deliberately hurting him, he seeks him out to do it. Ds can't fight this battle. He needs me to speak out for him. That is why kids have parents.

Oh whatever youMakeMe.

Yes. You are right. And know my intentions much better than me.

Well done.

Err not. Go and bash someone else. Or be happy like your name says.

I was what would now be referred to as "gentle parented". It did me absolutely no favours. What a terrible shock I got when I had my first job and my boss was justifiably blunt with me ! I was petrified.

I agree having a word with ineffective mum is key here, because she isn't doing anything at the relevant time - which is stopping her child before he hurts another child. And her tactics of a chat and a cuddle afterwards aren't working either. She needs to be able to assure you she will take a proactive role in future to ensure her son stops deliberately targeting a much smaller child.

You need to keep your child safe, so I'd be poised to leap into action to grab him out of danger and I'd tell the mother you will be addressing her child in a forthright manner each and every time he tries to hurt your son. She probably won't like that and it may spur her into taking some preventative action. Letting this little boy run roughshod over DS is very unfair, not only to them but also to him - because if he keeps on like this nobody is going to want to play with him.

PS there is a lot of bad feeling on this thread....

Fanjo - you're taking a bit of a battering this evening .

In reply - yes it is just manners to acknowledge other parents, after all we are modelling behaviours and social norms for our dc. As you say, hopefully he will be moved next term so it isn't an issue anymore but if he isn't then stand your ground, your DS has every right to enjoy play safely and socialising. Good luck OP.

Singsong..yes and also some idiot is sending me abusive PMs. Which is really out of order.have reported.

Bloody hell, get off fanjos case.

She apologised for being abrupt and is completely right to challenge the special needs bandwagon.

Though I don't think this lady is doing enough OP I've been the other side if the fence with this with my DS going for one particular child, I can't for the life of me think why. It happens, my DS wouldn't pick on smaller children I am not sure they have that thought process at that age. Could be as simple as I hit x last week and remembering it creating a fuss and getting attention.

I think what I would do is politely ask her for a chat after a group and mention to her that there is an issue between the children and maybe try and think of something between you. Really, the child should be taken home after doing I something. I know I would be mortified and apologising. I don't see anything wrong with the gentle apology business but she needs a next step up for when that doesn't work.

Actually she didn't apologise unless this:

" I was maybe a bit too abrupt, but... "

After suggesting OP wanted the child beaten. Abrupt? It was cruel. Everyone knows what a genuine apology is, and that wasn't one. That's why I don't give her a break.

She doesn't even stop posting, just carries on about how rude we all are!

Discussing me and am not even on thread

Was happily watching tv.

Seriously. Maybe get over this

I refer you to her post of 16.15.

Build a bridge innit.

And thanks Harold