Am always so nasty to DS1 (long post, sorry)

[Maizie]

I had PND after the birth of DS1 and, even though he is now 7, it is like I've been making him pay for it ever since. I had 2 more children after him, with no PND, and I've always been a real mum to them - caring, loving, always hugging them and saying I love them. But it is very different with DS1. I do love him but when I tell him the words just sound hollow, and he knows that. I shout at him all the time for no reason, I blame him for everything that happens or goes wrong, even if it's nothing to do with him. Sometimes it's like I almost get satisfaction out of seeing his little face crumple. I feel that I need some sort of help because I think this is a form of child abuse and several times I've been tempted to call Childline on DS1's behalf. Things seem to have got worse lately and my mum is starting to comment on how I treat DS1 differently to the others. The thing is, this gets my back up because I feel my mum is criticising me and then DS1 gets the brunt of it. I need help and I want help but I'm scared to talk to anyone about this because I'm worried DS1 will be taken away from me or be put on the at-risk register or something. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Maizie, I have been following this thread and wanted to say "well done for facing up to your short-comings (we all have them). It sounds as if things are working out so well and your son can only benefit from this.

Maizie - I know that my original posts were not supportive. But I just wanted to let you know that I think it's amazing how you've turned it around so quickly. Perhaps my initial reaction was due to that fact that my PND affected my ds more than I will really admit.

Keep it up.

I am also amazed at how quickly this has begun to work for me. I wish I had done it years ago - but I also feel that really wanting to change, and determination, has a lot to do with it. I am adamant that I won't slip back into my old ways.
M2T, please don't bury your head in the sand - maybe it would be worth it if you took the time to reasess your relationship with DS to see if it can be improved. I see that Mumsnetters are able to contact eachother by email. If you would like to contact me, please do.
And I would just like to say (once again!) thank you very much for everyone's advice and support.

This is so great Maizie. You must feel like a huge weight has been lifted from you. I'm so pleased.

Maizie - My PND was never directed at ds, but he did see me hysterical quite often. And although I feel as though I now have a very close relationship with him I wonder how much he remembers. He is only 2.4 yrs at the moment. If DH and I start to shout at each other he always runs to DH rather than me, so I'm wondering if he is just waiting for me to crumble again.

He seems okay though..... thankfully!

Thanks for your concern.

M2T: that's a really powerful perception....

You've lost me Blu.... what is??

Maizie I have just read through this whole thread and am very moved. Well done, I cant add anything as there has been so much good advice, but I hope things continue to improve for you.
I had thought about starting a thread about my feelings for one of my children which are not quite the same as for my others, but dont feel quite ready to bare my soul. Not the same situation as yours, but Im sure lots of us feel we are treating kids differently for whatever reason. I will try and make use of some of the advice on this thread.

Things are still okay-ish. Was very stressed out the other morning....late for school, bad PMT, lots on my mind, etc, etc....and I was quite sharp and snappy with DS. But I did give him a big hug as he went into school and told him I love him.
And then I pulled myself up and told myself that I had had a bad start to the day but I was not going to let it continue. Usually I'd have just carried on in the same mood all day but now I don't let myself.
So even though I began badly I was quite pleased with myself that I nipped it in the bud.
Maizie.

nice to hear from you again Maizie, I feel really sht today and you've made me feel better, I'm going to be positive and forget i feel sht!! Hope you have a good week-end

M2T: sorry to be opaque, in fact my thinking and typing is so slow that I was replying to your post of 9.24 on the 10th but crossed with your post above it, which I didn't see when I posted. I was thinking about projection, and the way we react to other people's problems. I found it quite helpful.

Maizie Glad things are OK We all have those sorts of mornings sometimes so dont be too hard on yourself for that! Hope you have a nice weekend

MAIZIE-Guess what?!! I'm a BAAD mum, 'cos I'm sitting here typing out stuff and my Dh is shouting at the kids and I'm thinking, "Yeah, it's bed time, go and sort it!!" I'll be back, just going to get Nos, 2, 3 and 4 four to bed and I DON'T CARE if they don't want to go. It's Friday night, I've given up smoking, and I've just come on FFS! I've just heard No 4 (age 5) sneaking into the fridge and helping himself to a yoghurt, and the deal is now, help yourself, don't ask and you get it over your head!! MMmmmn, REVENGE IS SWEET.....BUT if I tip it over his head, I'll have to shower him so a dirty look is now in order!!. Back later.....

Maizie, I was just wondering how thing were in the run up to christmas. Are things still going well?

Hello Salt,
Thank you for your concern.
I did have a bit of a blip a few weeks ago when I had a bad bout of PMT and I flew off the handle for no reason at all. It wasn't directed at anyone in particular but DS immediately "shut down" and looked so hurt. So I have been making a real effort again as I know how easy it is to get "comfortable" with how you behave and then slip back into bad habits without realising.
We all had a lovely Christmas and the children got lots of games which the whole family can play together, so I'm pleased about that.
Hope you had a good Christmas, and happy new year to you. And to everyone.
Maizie.

MASIE - Well done for admitting your problem. I too have similar problem with dd1. I had pnd with dd2 and instead of taking it out on her i took it out on dd1. In my case though dd1 isn't actually a very affectionate child, even as a baby she would rather get down and play than sit on my lap and have a cuddle. Like your ds1 my dd1 usually ends up getting blamed for evrything although i do make sure i apologize to her if i was wrong. I've had no problems with my other two children so i'm convinced it was to do with pnd. I know only to well that a relationship like that can badley effect a a child. My db stopped talking to my dm when her and my df got divorced. Last year (nearly 10 yrs later) he decided he would like to get back in touch with her. I would like to know of any good books on communicating with your children if any one knows of any ???? Again well done maise, just remember you are not alone in this problem. Sorry if i've waffled, i usually do on long threads.

Hello Nutcracker,
I'm glad that I'm not alone and that you, like me, are recognising the problem. Hope 2004 is a good one for you and your family.
Maizie.