Am always so nasty to DS1 (long post, sorry)

[Maizie]

I had PND after the birth of DS1 and, even though he is now 7, it is like I've been making him pay for it ever since. I had 2 more children after him, with no PND, and I've always been a real mum to them - caring, loving, always hugging them and saying I love them. But it is very different with DS1. I do love him but when I tell him the words just sound hollow, and he knows that. I shout at him all the time for no reason, I blame him for everything that happens or goes wrong, even if it's nothing to do with him. Sometimes it's like I almost get satisfaction out of seeing his little face crumple. I feel that I need some sort of help because I think this is a form of child abuse and several times I've been tempted to call Childline on DS1's behalf. Things seem to have got worse lately and my mum is starting to comment on how I treat DS1 differently to the others. The thing is, this gets my back up because I feel my mum is criticising me and then DS1 gets the brunt of it. I need help and I want help but I'm scared to talk to anyone about this because I'm worried DS1 will be taken away from me or be put on the at-risk register or something. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Maizie, so, so pleased to hear that you have discovered some special pleasure with your little boy. I wanted to say 'thank you' to you: there is so much to think about in our relationships with our children, and I have found what you have had to say, and other posters, really valuable. Love to you while you continue on your journey.

This is such great news Maizie. I'm really happy for you. We are none of us perfect, and we have all, I'm sure, lost it with our kids when they were not really at fault or said mean things or shouted. I think the key to change is to apologise and learn from it. I do apologise and try to explain to my ds who is only 2 if I'm impatient.
I think cooking is fantastic. When my stepdaughter was seven we'd cook most weekends. Pizza is great because you can have it for lunch or supper. Buy a kids cook book _ I like Cool Kids Cook by Donna Hay and let him choose what he'd like to make. My stepdaughter is now 12 and can make Sunday lunch for us, so it's a real investment!

well done Maizie. Do you have a wood near by? maybe you could go 'squirrel spotting' and kick some fallen leaves about - at each other maybe -

Maizie, i haven't posted on this thread but have followed it. I just wanted to say that i was really happy to see you're feeling a bit better and making that effort with your son. As you say, if it's maikng you feel better imagine how nice your little boy will be feeling

I'm still here.
I'd like to say that I am not in danger of physically harming DS and I am a nice mum deep down. I have 2 other children who I am lovely to. I just seem to have this relationship problem with DS1. Personally I feel this stems from the PND because I never bonded with him and he was ill so he was quite a difficult baby and I couldn't cope. Even after 7 years there is that special-something missing in our relationship. I think he is too young to realise this but he does know that there is something not quite right.
I have also spoken to DH about this, many times in the past, but he cannot see that I am that horrible to DS. DH has said that I am quite hard on DS and that maybe I should ease off a bit, but he cannot seem to see that I am downright nasty and, as someone here pointed out, a bully. Perhaps when I can face it I will make DH read my post here and all your replies so that he will realise how nasty I've been and how much this has affected the relationship between myself and DS1.
All your replies have helped me so much and I know it is early days but I feel so positive about this now. I also have the number of Parentline handy just in case.
And tomorrow DS and I are going to make pizza together because that's his favourite food.
Thanks, Maizie.

My happiest memories of childhood are the simplest ones. Playing board games by the fire. Licking out the cake mix bowl. An impromptu takeway pizza for supper eaten out of the box. Stories and toasted muffins when I was ill. I think you are so right that you don't need big gestures, treats or outings to make a child feel loved. What you are doing is bound to make him happier - and isn't it the best feeling when you really enjoy a day with your child? I was just telling dh on the phone what a lovely morning I'd had with ds, just hanging out at home, singing and reading books.

I agree with you, Beety, and I promise I won't concentrate so hard on building a relationship with DS that I forget the rest of the family. Already, I can see improvement just by the small gestures of saying thank you, ruffling DS's hair, etc, and I honestly don't know why it has taken me so long to make this effort. I find it truly baffling so I can't begin to think what all you out there must think of me.
But I am not going to dwell on that because I am not going to worry about all I've done wrong in the past - I'm going to work hard on making a happy future for my family, all of us together.
Maizie.
P.S. Can anyone tell me, is Parentline Plus the same thing as Parentline? It's the only number I've got. Is Parentline Plus meant to be for parents of older children or teenagers, or is it a new name for Parentline? Thanks.

Maizie, you've been given some excellent advice here and sounds like you've already made some very important decisions but please don't be too hard on yourself - remember you have had an illness and people who have been unable to participate fully in famioy life because they've had major heart surgery or cancer don't feel so guilty or think of themselves in such negative terms. It sounds as if you have a very low opinion of yourself as defined by your relationship with ds1 but you are obivously a good mother to your family as a whole and are just missing the memory of that bonding period most mothers have with their baby. Maybe that's what you can concentrate on - just trying to bond with him all over again and then the rest of it will fall into place! I'm sure if you look at baby photos of him you'll have stronger feelings than you would imagine. Good luck and please don't think so badly of yourself.

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Maizie, I've just caught up with this thread having been off mumsnet for a couple of days.

You seem to be doing very well and I for one certainly think you are brave to come out and admit this.

One angle that I don't think anyone else has covered is the effect that your behavior towards your ds1 will have on the other children. My father was pretty awful to my brother and idolised me, It made me really really upset as I love my brother to bits and it certainly affected my relationship with my father as I couldn't understand how he could treat his own son so differently to me. It may not happen yet, but I'm sure your other children will have picked up on the fact that something is wrong and it will change the dynamic of their relationship with you.

On a happier note, my father had a nervous breakdown when I was about 25 and my brother 22, mainly brought on by the realisation of his shitty treatment of my brother and they made their peace and everything has been fine between them for the past 13 or so years. So if you address the problem now as you appear to be doing you can avoid a lot of anguish in the future.

I wish you every success xxx

Maizie, I wish my mum had been able to do something like this when I was 7. As 1 of 4 (not the eldest) I was always the scapegoat, a fact which was recognised by my siblings as well. Unfortunately, nothing changed until I had kids when I had to deal with horrible feeligs of distress & anger towards her - having my own children made me realise just how much of a bully she was. I have never fully confronted her about it, but have made a number of telling comments about what I would and would not do to my kids, and she has actually said she wishes she could have done a lot of things differently, as much as an apology as I'm ever likely to get. I do now have some sort of relationship with her, which is superficially very good, but I find when I read the mothers day cards with the lovely verses I cannot send them as it would be too hypocritical. One thought, have you read the threads about women in abusive relationships and thought 'get out, leave him'? That is potentially the relationship you will have with your son. You have made a brilliant first step of admitting your feelings on here, and I'm sure that in a few years (probably months even) you will have the great relationship with DS1 that you have with your other children. If my mother had made the same effort at 18 I'm sure I would have forgiven her anything, let alone 7.

Me too Berries, re the card thing. This year, I sent her a card with a cat on the front. Inside, it just said 'Happy Mother's Day' - no comments about how she's the best etc.

Hi Maizie, Just wondered how you had been getting on over the weekend. Hope things are still going well.

Have had a good weekend. Have tried before to make a special effort with DS or to do things just for him but in the past my heart wasn't in it. I'm not sure what is different this time (maybe it's like AA where you've got to admit there's a problem and that you really want to change) but I can't believe how much I have enjoyed DS's company.
And this time it is genuine and I'm not just faking it for his benefit.
Apparently it takes one month for a habit to form - so I'm hoping that by the end of November I'll have formed a good habit for life, and that it will come naturally to me to treat all my children equally.

Maizie - that is so wonderful - I'm thrilled for you and your family - you must be so relieved.

Wooohoo, Maizie!! That's great news.

Brilliant news Maizie - well done

I'm SO pleased for you. I now have a really glad feeling in my heart, it's amazing how much your thread has touched me. Thank you for making that effort. I know your ds will be so glad and happy.

Wonderful Maizie, long may it continue

This is a really heartwarming thread - thank you for being so open Mazie.

Miaizie

Delighted for you and ds1 !!!

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maizie, this is so good. It just shows that change CAN happen, if someone faces up to something and really wants that change. V relevant to problems that people talk about on other threads.

Just keep something in reserve for difficult days, when you are tired, hormonal, your DS is playing up...keep enough energy to take a deep breath and a step back before you re-act. Whatever works for you.

How many MN-ers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to really WANT to change....