Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Am always so nasty to DS1 (long post, sorry)

142 replies

Maizie · 28/10/2003 15:41

I had PND after the birth of DS1 and, even though he is now 7, it is like I've been making him pay for it ever since. I had 2 more children after him, with no PND, and I've always been a real mum to them - caring, loving, always hugging them and saying I love them. But it is very different with DS1. I do love him but when I tell him the words just sound hollow, and he knows that. I shout at him all the time for no reason, I blame him for everything that happens or goes wrong, even if it's nothing to do with him. Sometimes it's like I almost get satisfaction out of seeing his little face crumple. I feel that I need some sort of help because I think this is a form of child abuse and several times I've been tempted to call Childline on DS1's behalf. Things seem to have got worse lately and my mum is starting to comment on how I treat DS1 differently to the others. The thing is, this gets my back up because I feel my mum is criticising me and then DS1 gets the brunt of it. I need help and I want help but I'm scared to talk to anyone about this because I'm worried DS1 will be taken away from me or be put on the at-risk register or something. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

OP posts:
adell · 29/10/2003 11:07

I'm so glad you've posted again today - it sounds as if you've already started to change the way you are behaving towards your son, so already something positive has happened.

You've realised that you have unresolved issues about your relationship with your mother which you need to deal with in time, but have found an immediate way of improving things for your son.

Please keep posting to let us know how things are going.

aloha · 29/10/2003 11:27

Hi Maizie, I have thought a lot about you yesterday and today, and something happened today which I thought might be helpful to you. At my son's nursery I bumped into the special needs coordinator and a pychologist who deals with parenting issues. I immediately told them about your post and asked what advice I should give you. They were absolutely adamant that you have nothing at all to fear from social services - they are totally committed to keeping families together and won't judge you. But they also said that you can call them anonymously. You should look up the number in the phone book and ask to speak to the duty social worker. You can explain you won't give your name (if that's what you want) and they will still help you. Tell them your situation and they can offer resources to help you - information about parenting classes etc etc. Also DO please call Parentline. Situations like yours are what it exists for. You can do it anonymously at first if you prefer, but the person at the other end of the line really, really won't judge you or break up your family. It won't hurt to just call and talk without giving your name, will it? And you have so much to gain.
Lastly, both were concerned about you, not just your son, and suggested that some counselling could really help you, both with the after effects of PND and your relationship with your mother, which was obviously damaging. Funnily enough, I didn't know about your own background when I talked to them, but the psychologist actually said, 'this very probably won't just be about the PND and her relationship with her son, but something in her wider life and family that is affecting her behaviour.' And she was right. Your GP can help you with counselling. You don't even have to mention your son to him, just say you have issues with your mother that you think triggered your PND and you want some help getting over them.

Original poster
Maizie · 29/10/2003 11:27

I just want to ask, what's a troll?

OP posts:
aloha · 29/10/2003 11:28

BTW I am so happy you found the posts useful and you are beginning to change. That's just fantastic news. Praise him as much as you can for the littlest things today. Tell him how proud of him you are and watch him blossom. It's not too late to have a wonderful relationship.

aloha · 29/10/2003 11:29

A troll is someone who posts untrue/made-up things just to get a reaction. We've had some on Mumsnet in the past.

tigermoth · 29/10/2003 12:02

maizie, just quickly read through this so I hope I'm not repeating things. I am glad you are finding this thread supportive. Remember if you ask for outside help, you could begin by phoning and you won't have to give your name, so no one will know it's you.

I have never felt quite like you, but I do know the way I feel about my son is hugely influenced by how I am feeling about life generally and what's going on outside our relationship. When my son was 4 and 5, I went through some very stressful times, and at times I felt quite cold towards my son and lost my temper with him more easily for little justification. Not all the time but sometimes. Life became far less stressful when he was 6 or so and miraculously my relationship with my son was much better and I became calmer with him. At the time, when I was stressed, I did not see cause and effect. I knew I loved my son. It was only when I looked back that I realised how much influence the stress in my life had had on me.

I also agree with custardo's advice about spending time alone with your son. I do this and it really builds our closeness.

linzoid · 29/10/2003 12:38

Maizie, just to let you know that you are not alone. Maybe you are still depressed? I know that having pnd can affect how you feel towards your child. I also had pnd after my first and although i love both my first and second child i feel that there is a certain magic missing from my relationship with ds1. I do tend to get irritated by him where i find ds2 funny. I just try my best not to treat them differently and tell him often that i love him.

Batters · 29/10/2003 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

salt · 29/10/2003 12:55

Maizie, I just wanted to add that if you don't want to talk to Parentline or a child related line there's always The Samaritans, they're not related to any childrens group, they won't tell you what to do but they will listen. Talk about anything you want to talk about and it's completely anonymous.

Chinchilla · 29/10/2003 13:32

JJ - Sorry if you thought that I was moaning about my mum. As Elena said, I was trying to make Maizie see the devastating effects of being/feeling unloved by one's mother. However, I also gave her constructive advice in telling her to cuddle her son today, and to get help. I am not a professional, and don't know the appropriate places, but I knew that someone would. Please think before you post.

Snugs · 29/10/2003 14:13

Maizie - have not had time to read all the posts so apologies if I repeat anyone...

I can relate to you so much. DS1 is 6, difficult birth, major PND - lasted 3yrs. DS2 - easy birth, minor PND but handled it better as knew what to expect.

I found it very hard to do anything 'naturally' with DS1 - except shout. Kisses and cuddles always felt forced and he had to ask for them. This became even more pronounced, and noticeable, after DS2 was born.

I am lucky that my mum has a brilliant bond with DS1 (she was present at his birth and was the first to hold him) and she is very supportive.

The best thing I ever did for DS1 was sit him down and talk to him about it. I explained that mummy had been poorly and that it made it hard for me to look after him when he was little. That he was my first baby and I didn't know what to do. That I love him more than the stars in the sky and then some. That I was so sorry for shouting at him but that sometimes, because he is such a clever little spark, I forget he is only a kid. And that, yes he does sometimes get it in the neck simply for being the oldest - but then I point out all the 'big kid things' he gets to do that DS2 can't.

Talk to your DS. He is 7, he will be more understanding than you think.

I am still far from perfect in the way I treat DS1 but I know we have an understanding and are building the bond that seemed missing before. You can turn this around.

E mail me via contact a talker if you want to talk 'off board'.

Hugs and best wishes

JJ · 29/10/2003 14:48

Chinchilla and Elena2, sorry. It's something I'm struggling with too, at the moment and I was feeling insecure, so reacted badly. Sorry about that-- I got a little paranoid that my son won't feel close to me when he grows up.

Anyway, Tigermoth, that's interesting to hear. Definitely puts some other things in my life in perspective.

Maizie, glad to hear that today went well. I've found that the more I make time for my son and listen to him, the easier it gets and the easier it gets, the more I want to make time for him. A lovely upward spiral.

Twinkie · 29/10/2003 15:17

Message withdrawn

layla · 29/10/2003 18:24

Fantastic advice Aloha.Maizy,some great advice here.You'll feel so proud of yourself,this is just the first step to successfully bringing up a happy child.I'm sure with some effort from you your relationship will change for the better-good luck.

Chinchilla · 29/10/2003 19:07

JJ - no problem - we all get touchy sometimes. To prove that I didn't bear a grudge, I posted on your AD thread before even reading this one!

The good thing with knowing that you have depression before it hits too hard is being able to get help. I sometimes worry that I am affecting ds when I am down, and he has always hated to see me cry. I think that loving your child is a good basis to start from, and take each day at a time. Good luck with the ADs.

Maizie - How are you today?

aloha · 29/10/2003 20:05

We are none of us perfect, and shouting at children is 99% about your own feelings, not about your child - I know there have been a couple of shouting episodes I feel truly remorseful about. I always apologise to my ds if I've been unreasonable. I think that helps a lot.

elena2 · 29/10/2003 22:21

JJ, don't worry. I understand where you're coming from now you've explained. It's never too late to start improving your relationship with your ds, you've realised there's a problem, and from the sounds of it on your thread about AD's, you're taking steps to sort it out now.

My relationship with my Mum has never improved because she's never admitted she did anything wrong or that she would like to go back and do things differently. If she did that, even now, I would jump at the chance to be able to get along better with her. As I said, it's never too late.
Good luck with the AD's, I'm sure you'll feel more positive soon.

Tortington · 29/10/2003 22:27

fantastic maizie, how did it feel? what was your sons reaction? have you planned your time alone yet? i'd say friday night a 7 rd old can stay up really really really late ....like....9pm
how about make a jelly - its ded easy youcan pour it into anything ( i dont own a jelly mould i buy plastic cups from the pound shop and end up with 8 or 9 mini jellies) and you could all have sugar free jelly for breakfast!!!!! how yummy is that?
it also keeps them happy should you have a hangover! ...good tip there!

if ever you want a chat e- mail me [email protected]

Original poster
Maizie · 30/10/2003 08:25

Hi everyone,
I had a good day yesterday. I took the time to think about loads of stuff. Quite a lot of things that people have said on here have been relevant, such as shouting when I am feeling stressed, etc. I also made sure that I paid a lot of attention to DS and you know what? - it made ME feel good about myself. So if it can have that effect on a grown adult who knows what she is doing, then I can only hope that it made DS feel good too.
I love the idea of spending time with DS, one to one, and he really enjoys helping out in the kitchen - just little things like grating cheese or arranging food on the plate, but I usually tell him I'll do it myself - but I am going to make a real effort now to allow the time for him to help.
I know all this sounds like not very much but it is a start for me and hopefully it will become a good habit that I can build on.
Also, and this will sound strange....I feel like I have been through some sort of trauma and emerged unscathed with a new sense of purpose. I think this is because I have finally managed to admit my feelings. But instead of thinking that nothing can be done and that it is too late, I feel quite positive and hopeful.
Also, it sounds like I am not alone in behaving like this so I really hope that it will encourage others to reassess their relationships and work on them.
Thank you, Maizie.

OP posts:
robinw · 30/10/2003 08:26

message withdrawn

robinw · 30/10/2003 08:28

message withdrawn

Twinkie · 30/10/2003 08:41

Message withdrawn

Bozza · 30/10/2003 08:45

Maizie that sounds like a great start. If your DS really does like helping in the kitchen (and my 2yo DS is like this which can be pretty trying when its something like chopping veg ) maybe you could follow custardo's suggestion and let him stay up and make jellies or maybe crispy buns. Or could you and he together make some edible Christmas presents. That would be a sort of shared experience and he might get a sense of achievement from it.

Bozza · 30/10/2003 08:46

Oh watch out now Maizie - we're all wading in with cooking ideas....

handlemecarefully · 30/10/2003 10:28

Miaizie,

Your last post is so positive. Please keep us posted

Swipe left for the next trending thread