Am always so nasty to DS1 (long post, sorry)

[Maizie]

I had PND after the birth of DS1 and, even though he is now 7, it is like I've been making him pay for it ever since. I had 2 more children after him, with no PND, and I've always been a real mum to them - caring, loving, always hugging them and saying I love them. But it is very different with DS1. I do love him but when I tell him the words just sound hollow, and he knows that. I shout at him all the time for no reason, I blame him for everything that happens or goes wrong, even if it's nothing to do with him. Sometimes it's like I almost get satisfaction out of seeing his little face crumple. I feel that I need some sort of help because I think this is a form of child abuse and several times I've been tempted to call Childline on DS1's behalf. Things seem to have got worse lately and my mum is starting to comment on how I treat DS1 differently to the others. The thing is, this gets my back up because I feel my mum is criticising me and then DS1 gets the brunt of it. I need help and I want help but I'm scared to talk to anyone about this because I'm worried DS1 will be taken away from me or be put on the at-risk register or something. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Maizie you are doing so well, keep it up! Does your ds seem happier?

Maizie - I've just read this thread for the first time. I have been so moved. Not only by the fact that you came on here and opened up your heart to us all which I totally admire and respect but the fact that you then received such wonderful advice. How incredibly kind and caring of Aloha to speak to someone on your behalf - that really is mumsnet at it's best - well done Aloha - you lovely lady! Then to witness the change in you Maizie - heartwarming and just so fantastic. I'm SO pleased for you. You had the strength to admit to something which you were ashamed of and you've turned it round. I really do feel on top of the world about it for you and your little boy. To imagine how good he must be feeling inside - to have some time and attention from his beloved mummy - ohh, just too wonderful for words. Long may that continue and I for one look forward to more of your posts with stories of good times spent with your son. TC xx

Things are still going well. Had the usual mad rush for school this morning and I'd normally be ordering DS about, "Do this, do that" but I took the time out to pause and instead I asked nicely if he could help me.
I think DS is happier. He has actually become a bit cheekier. I suppose he feels comfortable enough to do that now. I'm actually quite pleased about it!
He has also become a bit of a joker and I never realised he even had that in his character. Obviously he shows his sense of humour at school because he has been cast as the funny character in the Christmas play.
Obviously I am gutted that I've been stifling his true character for so long, but I am also so happy that it has taken only a matter of days to turn that around.
I have read everyone's posts and I have taken note of everything you've said. I am still feeling very positive about this, so thanks again.

Oh Maizie - how lovely. Well done for turning this round.

Maizie, wonderful news. And Thomcat... blush...I'm not really! You should have seen me at 5am, being a right grumpy cow.

Maizie it's so good to read about your progress with your son, I hope you keep posting regularly to let us know how things are, you're a brave woman to have started this thread and also to have started to change your attitude. So glad to see your ds is responding to the changes

Aloha - I think you have every right to be grumpy at 5am! Your posts are always full of thought out, caring advice - for everyone. Credit where credit is due - OK

Maizie-WELL DONE!!! I had a problem with my 2nd child and I won't post too much in case the little wotsit gets onto the site. He loved his Dad and grandad much more than me (I felt), cried every time I went near him and I spent a long, long time thinking I was a crap mum, he hated me and what the hell could I do about it. I talked to my Dh who wouldn't admit there was a problem, even though other people could see how I felt, especially when I had my next child, a little girl. He's 10 now and the turning point for me was when he had to go into hospital. I had to make a split second decision about his treatment-operate on his leg now or take him to another hospital, general anaesthetic and more pain while he waited. I chose the painful option and watched MY child having needles inserted into the back of his knee to get infection out (with no pain relief, just 4 of us holding him down). I explained to him that it would really, really hurt and even though he was only about 2 and a half, he just smiled at me and told me that his leg hurt and "Mummy make it better?". He's fine now, and I have had to work at my relationship with him. He is so clever (like his dad) that sometimes I feel like the village idiot when I hear them talking together, but even though I shout at ALL my kids, they ALL know I love them and that Mummies get miserable, tired and grumpy sometimes and you'd better KEEP OUT OF THE WAY.

You have done something brilliant-you have told yourself and others you have a problem and I think things will gradually get better. Take each day at a time, don't get disheartened when you yell at him and just think about how much better things are getting.

Keep in touch...keep posting and much love to all the people who have been on the other end of things, not being loved etc.. and passed over for siblings.

XXXXXXXX

Maizie
You HAVE been brave and by the sounds of it are now going in the right direction. Well done.

Isn't it sad that we seem to become our mothers however much we wish not to. My relationship with my mum was dire, still is, yet I've done as you have and followed the same pattern. Again following a bout of PND I failed to bond with ds1, 8, like I did with the next two children and ds1 still gets the brunt of my anger and frustration far more than the other two. Like you I recognise where I'm at fault and am trying hard to make amends, he is so incredibly special and I don't want to be the cause of any sadness to him. There are some good suggestions here that I imagine will be helpful to several mums, certainly I'm listening and acting!

It seems from this thread that this issue is quite widespread.

Maizie,this is lovely news, I am moved to tears by your story.

Reading this thread has made me think....
Maizie has done a brilliant job of changing things, Mumsnet has aided this change.
If ALL mums had access to MUMsnet the world would be a better place for many children.

Well done Maizie and well done to Mumsnet for advice

I too think this thread is so positive. Well done Maizie for being so brave to come on here and confront things, and doing so well in such a short time.

How are things this week Maizie?

I had PND with DD now 5 and it was weird as it mostly affected relationship with DH and not DD. I had a course of acupunture and chinese medicine which eased the mental torture of PND a little. My GP offered me no counsilling just prozac.

Me and DD are very close but suffered with pretty bad PMS and panic attacks for two - three years after birth. I don;t know if they are related but i personnally think it is. It is a truly horrible experience PND and am so happy that you have confronted your problems and are well on the way to working them out. I think you are brave.

Things are still all right. I am really trying hard to stop and remember that he is a little person with feelings. If someone spoke to or shouted at me the way that I have spoken to DS in the past I would be devastated and I'd feel completely worthless. I so much want to have a happy and confident child - yet I was the one who was destroying him. But, having seen the change in him (and me) over the past week, I really do feel there is hope for us and I've realised that it is not too late.
To the other mums out there who see a similar problem in their relationships with their children - I urge you to think about what you can do to change this behaviour/pattern. Please read all the advice given on this thread and see if you can apply it in your lives.
I feel that Mumsnet has been a lifeline for me and my son.

Maizie-keep on trying, you sound like you're cracking it. Well, I'm off to get my lot from school soon. Good luck for later!

Also, Geraldine 1969, I have had PMT since I had my children but I never suffered from it before. I, too, was wondering if there was a link.
I am taking B6 and evening primrose oil capsules to counteract the PMT. I don't know for a fact if they're working but I feel I'm doing something positive about it and I can boost the dosage at the worst time of my cycle.
I have also bought some Kalms tablets in case I am having a really tough time. I haven't opened the packet yet (they must be good!!) but they are there if I think I need them.
I sound like a right pill-popping addict!

Lovely news Maizie. Rescue Remedy is really good for times when you need a bit of 'comfort and reassurance' you can buy it in health food shops or my local Tescos sell it. Just to add to the pill popping!

hi maizie, sounds like you are moving forwards well done. I'm glad you feel there may be a link with PND and PMS as i never suffered with it before DD. I don't get it very often now thank goodness but if i feel that awful feeling coming on i go for a brisk walk and it really helps - not a cure by all means but i was told by a counsillor on PMS helpline that exercise does have positive impact. Ive cut out coffee completely and very rarely drink alcohol all advise from the PMS helpline. I got their number through the samaritans as i desperate and didn't no how to manage PMS. It did at the time affect my relationship with my husband but he helped me through the best he could.
Does it affect your relationship with your DH/DP?

DH has always been very supportive and he helped me through the PND. If I can tell that the dreaded PMT is on its way I just warn DH and he's fine. It's a lot harder to explain it to the children though. You have to be there for them no matter what sort of a day you've had or whatever you are going through.
DS and I are getting along fine. I spoke to DH about all of us doing more together as a family and we have decided to get some board games that we can all play. (We got that idea from one of the Wife Swap programmes a few weeks ago where the family all played Bingo together!)
So we hope to have some happy cosy family days indoors when the weather is really bad.

maizie, I'm glad things are working out better for you now. I've come to this thread late and can't improve on the excellent advice you have had. My own mother treated me in a cold, disinterested way when she was around and I can certainly understand the urge to repeat the pattern. I can't say I have had quite the same urge, but I've felt it hovering above my head and have been able to examine it from afar, so I've been very lucky.
MT2, I think that what Maizie said sounded more shocking than she intended when she said 'satisfaction ... when his little face crumples...'etc. I wasn't shocked at this because I think it was as if she was watching a film with a predictable outcome, almost like the inevitable consequences of PND. So she isn't satisfied by witnessing his distress, she is witnessing what the PND has done to him, using her as its vehicle.
The only satisfaction involved is in satisfying an urge, like having a fag when you've given up smoking.
Those of us whose PND hasn't taken this form are the lucky ones, but it is quite common, in varying degrees. Rare for someone to be so honest about it, and very brave.

Things are still okay. PMT has struck this week but I am very much aware of it and I'm thinking first before speaking.
DS1 is voluntarily coming over for cuddles now and it's such a lovely feeling. I did cuddle him before but it was as a "duty", not because I wanted to. But now it's great that he's not seeing me so much as the "big bad wolf" but as his mum who DOES love him. And I'm taking advantage of all the cuddles too - before he feels that he's too big for that sort of stuff.

Maizie, I posted on this thread early on and then didn't really add much as I thought all the other advice was spot on and didn't really think that I could add anymore BUT I have been keeping up with your story and I just wanted to say that I'm really pleased things are starting to take shape.

It's great that your husband is so supportive, it's nice to hear about an understanding husband. You're very lucky (IYKWIM)

I'm sure all those hugs from your son make you feel good too

so glad you're getting those hugs, and enjoying them too!