Am always so nasty to DS1 (long post, sorry)

[Maizie]

I had PND after the birth of DS1 and, even though he is now 7, it is like I've been making him pay for it ever since. I had 2 more children after him, with no PND, and I've always been a real mum to them - caring, loving, always hugging them and saying I love them. But it is very different with DS1. I do love him but when I tell him the words just sound hollow, and he knows that. I shout at him all the time for no reason, I blame him for everything that happens or goes wrong, even if it's nothing to do with him. Sometimes it's like I almost get satisfaction out of seeing his little face crumple. I feel that I need some sort of help because I think this is a form of child abuse and several times I've been tempted to call Childline on DS1's behalf. Things seem to have got worse lately and my mum is starting to comment on how I treat DS1 differently to the others. The thing is, this gets my back up because I feel my mum is criticising me and then DS1 gets the brunt of it. I need help and I want help but I'm scared to talk to anyone about this because I'm worried DS1 will be taken away from me or be put on the at-risk register or something. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Maizie I agree with tiredemma, I understand you are having difficulty with this but imagine what this is doing to his self-confidence. I also suffered from PND and was a bit 'over the top' with my reactions toward ds in the first year or so, but he's three and a half now and things are much better, I love him with all my heart and tell him as often as I can. When I'm angry with him I try to remember he's an innocent child and he is still learning, sometimes he doesn't realise that what he is doing is wrong and just because I am tired or irritated, doesn't give me the right to make him feel like s**t.

I have very distinct memories of my mother going mad on me and criticising me as a young child, for no apparent reason. This continued while I was growing up and I can still feel the pain it caused me, I never understood why she was so hostile toward me at times. I have struggled with trying to improve my self-confidence ever since, because to a child, if your own mother doesn't love you, who will??? My main aim in life now is to give my son confidence and self-assurance, because he's going to need it in this life. Please get help as soon as possible.

Wrote a long post but couldn't post it, however Chinchilla said it all for me, just substitute the words "sister" for "brother". In my case situation will never be resolved as my mohter died a few years ago.
Hope you manage to turn the situation round Maizie.

Mammya - I'm so sorry you never sorted out your situation. It's must be so hard for you.

I keep thinking that I should talk to my mum about our situation, but I don't think that I ever will. The closest I ever got was saying to her 'Well, we are more friends than mother/daughter aren't we?' after I was annoyed about something. She seemed taken aback, but did agree.

She is always saying, 'I was a terrible mother', almost as if trying to make me deny it. The best I can do is to say, 'You had PND, and there wasn't as much help then.' It still doesn't help knowing that, but it IS true.

Maizie - Just to reiterate...it is not too late to make him feel cherished. I am thinking of you. Please update tomorrow, as this thread is so close to my heart. Being on the anti-depressants that I am, I have noticed that I can't cry very easily, but I had a tear in my eye earlier.

Maizie, nothing new to add to the wonderful support and advice you've been given on here. Just want to echo what others have said in that I also grew up with a Mum who always put me last and I never felt she loved me at all. These feelings are so permanently damaging to the self-esteem of a child and the feeling of no self-worth stays with you throughout your life. Please, please seek help for the sake of your son AND yourself.

Custardo, yours is the only post I have ever read on Mumsnet that has moved me to tears. I think it's so beautiful it should be reiterated.

"but he is just a baby he wants his mummy. he loves you like he loves no ther person, you are his mentor, his sun and his moon, his lifeline. you have the power to make things right, the power to make father christmas and the toothfairy exist and to make a cut from a fall disappear with a kiss. you have the power to make every memory in his little head happy and wonderful."

Elena - hear hear. I never had that, and it is the worst thing to have to deal with. It's times like this that I can't forgive my mum, no matter how we are together now. When I had counselling, it used to bring all my emotions to the fore, and I could not even see her for a few weeks.

Maizie - It is such a responsibility being a parent. We are given that blessing with no training, and it is no wonder that we ALL fail in one way or another at one time or another. My ds is a pain in the bum sometimes, and I do shout at him sometimes. However, when push comes to shove, it is me he comes to when he is upset. It makes me feel humble to love and be loved like that. Please don't allow that to go completely with your ds1.

Look, she's not like your mums. She's asking for help, acknowledging the problem -- something your mums never did! Can you tell her where to go right here? I mean, she's admitted something's going wrong and wants to do something about it? He's 7, for gods' sake. He has a chance with his mother and she's wondering how to make it happen.

Doom and despair are not helpful here. What would have helped when you were 7? What could your mums have done?

Go for it, Maizie. Throw caution to the wind and take a risk or 5 million and try and change this. You can do it. Take the third step and get some professional help with this- you've already admitted there's a problem to yourself and us so you've come a long, long way. Try childline or your GP or ukcp (see here ) for a counselling referral. I think you're immensely brave to have started to confront your relationship with your little boy in all its complexity and find ways to make it better. Very best of luck to you and your son.

Custardo and Aloha- I loved your posts.

I am currently reading "How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk." If you cut through the Americanisms it's pretty good at giving ways to talk to children that are constructive and pleasant and focuses on the childs feelings. It may be helpful at providing some alternative ways of speaking to all your children, so that the eldest gets a fairer time of it. Good luck.

Custy and Aloha et al ... terrific advice for Maize.
Maize ... I can only repeat what others have said in that you have done the right thing by talking about it ... that is what Mumsnet is for and I hope you will be even braver than you have been already by contacting Parentline or something like that. By confronting this now you are giving yourself and your little boy a chance ... well done.
M2T ... quite frankly I am disappointed at you and your post ... I really hope that Maize comes back to talk and hasn't been put off trying to solve her problems by your insensitive reply.

P'raps time to back off M2T now? - maybe she had a similar experience in her childhood with her mother and it hit a raw nerve, which might account for her reaction?

Maizie can only echo the advice already given, you need to get help.

Go and give your ds a big hug and tell him how much you love him.

Maizie - just wondering how you are today and whether you called parentline yesterday, how did it go?

I'd think it was brave if she WAS getting help! But she isn' and the child is 7.

Its nothing to with politics and everything to do with Child cruelty.

Great post Custrado!

No I'm not ashamed of what I put. It's not courage!
Maizie - for the sake of your child I hope that you get help now that you've posted this. I'm sure you knew it would horrify some people.

For goodness sake M2T coming on here is asking for help. It may be something that Maizie can sort out by herself especially as she is aware of what is going on. It still sounds to me as if she has got into a bad habit, and bad habits can be broken- sometimes easily by yourself- once you've recognised the problem- and sometimes less easily with outside help. They can be broken though.

Hello all,
Thanks for your replies. So many of you have given me positive suggestions and you will never know how much that means to me. It has also made me realise a couple of things. One, I am a bully and I never thought of that before. Two, I never felt loved by my own mother and I cannot believe that I am now treating Ds in the same way, especially as I always said I'd never ever treat my children in that way. Obviously, I have my own issues to work through but it is in no way fair to DS that I am taking it out on him.
I would like to say that I love my son so much and if anyone else ever tried to upset him I'd be livid. Already I have tried to put your suggestions into practice by giving him lots of cuddles today and by praising him. One simple thing I've been doing is saying thank you to him because he really is such a very good boy and always helps me or does what I ask. I very much like the idea of spending special time alone with him and I know for a fact that he'd welcome that so I am going to make a big effort. For now, I am a little wary of calling Parentline or similar so I shall see how I go first.
I know that some of you have been offended/outraged by my post but I do want help. M2T, sorry to single you out but when I read your first reply it made me want to crawl into a hole. Maybe that is what you wanted but I was then very reluctant to come back. I'm glad I did though because most of you have been very supportive.
Thank you so much, and I will get through this, and I now know that it is not too late to change my relationship with DS and to make him feel as special and unique as he really is.

Maizie

I'm by no means a professional in this field, but I would guess that your severe PND brought great problems with bonding with your DS1. As a result, you have never really felt 'connected' or maternal towards him. I don't beleive that you are a bad person, the very fact that you have spoken out in this way is proof of that. I agree that you need to get help, and soon. Please feel free to email me (via contact another talker) if you feel the need to chat to a stranger.

Hoping you read this and realise that there is help, a future, and hope for you and your DS.

Posts crossed Maizie. Glad you are feeling a little stronger today.

It's good to see you back, Maizie, and that you're already implementing an action plan, that's just terrific. Almost all of us on this thread want to help and encourage you, and I hope you feel you're amongst friends. I know that you'll get lots of support that will outweigh any negatives here.

Maizie - your post certainly struck a chord with me. Whilst my circumstances are different to yours (I have never been diagnosed with PND) I have had a strained relationship with my ds (4.9) since he was about 3. I won't go into the details here as I posted about it on another thread ages ago but suffice to say I had about 6 months of therapy with the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS) which helped a lot in learning to modify my own behaviour. However, I still have issues around having negative thoughts about him. I am about to embark on a course of counselling to try and resolve this. I know (through Family Therapy) that my own relationship with my parents has influenced my behaviour to a great extent but also know this is not an excuse for the way I treat my ds. I completely understood your phrase about getting satisfaction from watching your son's face crumble as when I am angry I find it vey hard not to be cruel in that I say unforgiveable things and treat him contemptuously (not that I am implying you do this). I know others have recommended not going to the health visitor but I did and it was the best thing I could have done. She referred me to CAMHS which has led me to pursue the counselling. As your son is now 7 I don't know whether the H.V. would be involved as I thought their involvement ended when the child is over 5 but I could be wrong. I would definitely recommend speaking to someone about it though. You are NOT a bad person you just need to work things out. It WILL happen. You are NOT alone. If it would help you can email me. Just go through Mumsnet.

Thinking of you.
Dx

Well done Maizie - you sound as if you are determined to face the situation and I hope you are successful - i think you are incredibly brave for posting about this and do hope that people comments have helped you realise that people do care about you as well as your ds who you obviously do love if you want to make changes

Good luck.

That's so encouraging Maisie.

Please continue to post here and keep us updated (with any setbacks as well as positive progress) if it helps you....

The majority of people haven't judged you so please feel safe in sharing...

JJ, I think what is not helpful here is when people like you have a go at other people's postings and turn someone's cry for help into a thread where people are having a go at each other.

Chinchilla's and my posts were from the point of view of a child who has gone through this sort of thing, and were meant to help Maizie see what long-term effects her behaviour could have on her son. Hopefully this might have made her more determined to do something about it.

I think the posts do show that people care in one way or another and want Maizie to help herself to sort it out - but she did come for help and the variety of responses provide valuable views even if some are hard to face.

Dont stop posting Maizie !

Maizie - I never intended for you to stop posting, but you're post did genuinely shock me!

My reaction was perhaps due to the fact that:

1. I was hoping the short sharp shock would make you face up to it.

2. I actually thought it was a troll at first!

I won't apologise, but I truly never intended for you to stop posting! I'm glad you have been showing your ds some love today..... I'm sure he deserves it!