I know it's wicked, but I'm basically wishing these years away

[CanIRetireYet]

I have 2 DC, one in primary and another toddler. I work part time in a very stressful job.

I am not enjoying this bit of my life in the slightest. I was thinking the other day about how many days I have probably enjoyed since becoming a parent and I could think of 3 (with holidays, Christmases and birthdays being the worst of all).

I can't bear the lack of sleep, the constant cooking & cleaning, watching my earnings going nowhere, someone always needing me, the utter mind-numbing boredom of childrens' games and books, feeling my once quick and clever mind turning to porridge. Looking in the mirror and seeing a bright young woman has been replaced by a frowning mousey figure with stained clothes. My body is so tired from fetching and carrying all the time. The constant going up and down the stairs...

I am basically living in hope for the day when my kids are old enough to occupy themselves a little, maybe sleep through most nights, perhaps even make their own drinks and snacks.

I know it is terrible but I am basically wishing these years over and hoping that I emerge from this dark tunnel with some energy remaining.

I think perhaps I'm not supposed to be a parent and now it's too late. People say "Yes, but then you see their little smiles and it's all worth it" and I just think, no, no that really doesn't ring a bell with me at all.

Is it just me? I have had depression in the past but this feels different.

It could be depression, but I certainly have days when I think 'I cannot wait until you don't need me so much.' My son is 19 months.

But it's not every day or all the time, so it might not hurt to see your GP about possibly being depressed.

I feel your pain, and I think my dh does too even though he gets to go out to work every day. It is such bloody hard work and so boring. And it is low status and unpaid. We were not educated for this.

OP, you sound in need of a holiday and a recharge. Can GPs pick up the slack for a couple of days and allow you to have a weekend away sans DCs? And maybe schedule a regular getaway doing something you love to help you find your lost "self" again?

I don't think you can blame your children for the lack of sleep, can you? They are too old to be waking in the night.

Its not really their fault you have a stressful job, either.

Sorry, but I think you need to take responsibility for the way you are feeling. Go to your GP.

oh, is there an age limit after which if they wake in the night it's your fault?

I felt like this a lot when ds was young. I just didn't enjoy the baby/toddler stage. But once he got to primary school age I started to enjoy him a lot more. He is now 10, and I can honestly say I love having him around and love being a Mum. I never thought I would say that when he was 2!

Don't think you're not meant to be a parent. I used to think that, but it was just that I wasn't so good at the baby/toddler stage. You may find that once your toddler is a bit more grown up you will enjoy them a lot more. In the meantime try to make sure you get enough help with them, and enough time do to at least something for yourself every now and again. Does your dp/dh help much? It can really wear you down when you have a toddler who "needs" you all the time, even at night.

Do both of them wake in the night, or just the younger one? If it's a real problem to you, maybe you could get some help/advice with sleep training. I think tiredness can make all the other stresses seem even worse.

Gee, so it's my fault my 19 month old sometimes wake up in the night? Who knew?

*wakes up in the night. Lost an 's'!

I don't think OP can be blamed for a waking toddler

well my nearly four year old still wakes so I think you need to leave the op alone

op go to the gp, you dont need to constantly feel like this

A toddler waking occasionally in the night does not = a lack of sleep!

If the lack of sleep is the biggest problem, then op needs to do something about it, surely?

I think it's a perfectly natural reaction, CanIRetireYet. It's amazing though, because at some point you'll be wishing you were back here, before your children grew up!

I kind of know where you're coming from OP, toddlerhood is difficult because they just make demands all the time and cannot give back. But it's just a phase. There's a book called The Seven Stages of Motherhood, can't remember who wrote it but I recommend you read it.

I absolutely guarantee that when they are both at school, you will start missing them.

Is changing jobs an option for you?

You've presumably never had a troubld sleeper then? My ds is 2.6 and has only slept through in the last feew months. It is a killer as he would wake up about an huor after I'd fallen asleep, then again wake very early, meaning I got maybe 5 or 6 hours, but rubbish quality sleep as it was always disturbed. It's far harder than you're makign it out to be.

I'm not saying it's the OP's fault if her children are waking at night, just that she might want to get help to sort it, as being tired makes everything else seem worse.

Going to the GP might help, if the OP is depressed (I don't know whether she is or not, but it's a possibility).

I do identify with her when she says that people say "Yes, but then you see their little smiles and it's all worth it" and it doesn't ring bells for her. I really felt I was going through the motions of being a parent when ds was young. It wasn't until he was a fair bit older that I could look at his smiles and think it was all worth it. But I certainly feel it now he's older.

I have lots of friends & family with young kids but no-one with spare room/time/energy to take over. I've spoken to 2 of them about how I'm feeling and they both said that they were just surviving through this bit too (my SIL was particularly tearful about it).

I told my Mum in November that I was struggling and since then she has visited us once for a Christmas party at which she got pissed and had a long lie in. She hated being a mum to young kids and often told us she had a good mind to run away, so I know how horrible it is to be raised by someone who is just barely tolerating you.

DH is helpful but has health problems and the poor bloke looks as exhausted as I feel.

Bibbitybobbityhat, I don't understand what you mean about being too old for night waking. I'm leaving ages out to stay as anonymous as possible, but IME broken nights are a big part of early parenthood, way past the newborn stage.

I'm not blaming my kids, it's not their fault poor things, and I do love and care for them. I'm just trying to find out from a wider audience whether others feel the same way, cos judging by my experience and that of those close to me, early parenthood is mostly shite.

I thought early parenthood was shite too! But I love being a Mum to a 10 year old (and have loved it mostly since he was about 5). It's completely different. I suppose what I'm trying to say is don't write yourself off as a parent. I thought I struggled when ds was younger, but we get on fabulously well now and he thinks I'm the best Mummy in the world.

Yep, it's a loathsome stage. I was frequently to be found, a few years ago, posting on MN that I felt as if I were swimming uphill through custard. Possibly I was depressed. But mainly, I think it is the wearing demands of small children.

Hang on in there. Time passes. My big girl will be 10 in a fortnight. They are adorable. They are still young. And I now longer feel as if I am swimming uphill through custard.

Oh, and I bet when yours are the age of mine half the people who adore the toddler years will be saying oh isn't it awful, oh they are so difficult, they answer back, oh the stress...

And you can smile sweetly.

I heartily agree with MI

I have a tendency to feel a bit like this sometimes, my dc are 3yo and 1yo, and when it's all getting a bit much, I either:

Ask dh to take the dc somewhere for the afternoon, just to allow me to sit, really. And not have to dash about like a loony.

Or

I spend some time with friends who are in the same boat.

Recently, my BF and I have been spending Sundays together, with the husbands and all the children. We let the kids play, we have a few drinks and usually some buffet food, and it's really, really good fun.

An excellent way to feel less stressed and less alone.

I hope you also find some ways to get some relief, light or otherwise.

I second motherinferior. My eldest DS is 9 now & it's actually fun to do things with him. But I find being a parent very difiicult generally.

Really pees me off though that whenever anyone articulates such feelings on MN the kneejerk reaction "Oh, you're depressed". No, some of us just need our headspace...

Oh, and reading the thread: I do not miss them when they are at school. I do like toddlers, actually, I do quite like having them around, I loved them very much then and do miss them being small and cuddly - but they are fabulous now.

Oh, and mine slept, beautifully, and I was still bloody knackered, because the little buggers still woke up early. And it's not just that in any case, it's the constant physical demands of drink-pouring and pant-changing and bum-wiping.

All of which, with NT kids, pass.

thanks so much for the posts saying it's natural and it will pass, they have really helped a lot on a dark & difficult afternoon.

Right off to cook tea while DD hangs screaming to be held onto the kitchen gate (keep her safe while I cook for 10 mins) and DS bobs around asking me 27 questions a minute about why I'm doing things.