I know it's wicked, but I'm basically wishing these years away

[CanIRetireYet]

I have 2 DC, one in primary and another toddler. I work part time in a very stressful job.

I am not enjoying this bit of my life in the slightest. I was thinking the other day about how many days I have probably enjoyed since becoming a parent and I could think of 3 (with holidays, Christmases and birthdays being the worst of all).

I can't bear the lack of sleep, the constant cooking & cleaning, watching my earnings going nowhere, someone always needing me, the utter mind-numbing boredom of childrens' games and books, feeling my once quick and clever mind turning to porridge. Looking in the mirror and seeing a bright young woman has been replaced by a frowning mousey figure with stained clothes. My body is so tired from fetching and carrying all the time. The constant going up and down the stairs...

I am basically living in hope for the day when my kids are old enough to occupy themselves a little, maybe sleep through most nights, perhaps even make their own drinks and snacks.

I know it is terrible but I am basically wishing these years over and hoping that I emerge from this dark tunnel with some energy remaining.

I think perhaps I'm not supposed to be a parent and now it's too late. People say "Yes, but then you see their little smiles and it's all worth it" and I just think, no, no that really doesn't ring a bell with me at all.

Is it just me? I have had depression in the past but this feels different.

I think there are certain ages that you're always going to enjoy more than others - it sounds like yours are yet to come. I found parenting a baby really really hard - but love looking after a toddler.

He still wakes several times a night, and starts the day at 5am, though. So I definitely sympathise about being tired all the time. But once you're at a 'stage' where their smiles really do make up for it, it's easier to deal with.

I couldn't wait for DS to get a grow up and start being a bit more independent, I didn't enjoy the slave labour bit either.

Now he is grown up more I do sometimes think I wish I had made more of his 'little' years but I can live with that nostalgia, it certainly does qualify as regret so don't feel bad.

You have a lot of fun coming as they get older so there is light at the end of the tunnel and makeing the most of this time will make it go faster.

Don't get me wrong, I adore DS but its just that the part of parenting you describe is not my favourite bit.

I hope that helps.

OP - I think it could be depression. Parenting small kids is obviously v hard, but maybe you could find ways to make your life more enjoyable/fulfilling... new clothes? Some kind of intellectual stimulation in the evenings/weekends? Gym? Time just to sit and relax? Whatever would make you feel better. Maybe GP/counselling..?

I only have one DC and really enjoy being a Mum - despite it sometimes being tedious, exhausting etc. I just love forming a relationship with my son and watching him grow. BUT I am a bit worried that I won't enjoy having two - is it much less enjoyable?

well, it is nearly twice as much work.

Nearly twice sounds ok.
A friend told me it was more than twice...

there are certain things that are harder like protecting the baby from the toddler but there are also economies of scale, especially once they have the same bedtime and mealtimes.

I really, really hated looking after them as babies.
Toddlerdom was mildly better but still fairly horrific.
My youngest starts school full time next week. The last six months I have started to exhale.

I got through it. I've been grumpy, short tempered, braindead, angry, resentful, sad, frustrated and above all very, very bored. I hate craft with a passion.

For me, its only now I am realising how awful I found it. So your post resonates with me, op. It does get better.

I am wondering whether you have a DP/DH OP? and what role he /she plays- do you do all the cleaning ,shopping, cooking etc ?

I worked partime when my DC where little and I adored my DC but it was exhausting !!! sooo full on !
Is there anything you could ditch ?- You cook and do the washing -your DP clean ? Online grocery shopping ?easy once its set up.
What about commitments -I kept 2 Sundays a month as " family time" no lunch dates with friends etc just us at home relaxing -one cooks etc one looks after DC > We took it in turns to have a lie in .
Mine are Teens now and its a breeze compared to the toddler years

I was the same. Now they are nearly 8 and 5 though I have slowed down wishing their lives away!! I felt bad for a long time but I couldn't help it. It was so tiring. Now only bed time is an absolute nightmare. Still feel very TIRED when I think about that! but it is better, we can go to cinema, for a pizza, I can enjoy them...

Children should be born at 4. (3 in the case of other children but my son was delayed).

Right with you there - except mine are 9 aned nearly 7 now and they're tons easier, give us lie ins in the morning and can do loads of stuff themselves - and I'm finding myself missing the baby stage - which I hated at the time...

I think you can't help but either look desperately to the future, or start to wish you were in the past - and I'm not depressed or even usually negative - I'm a positive Tigger but where my children are concerned, it's so important to get it right that at the time (whenever that time is), I always seem to be wondering if I am.

So, lots of sympathy and yes, at least the physical stuff gets easier when they're older - just watch out for those aching ovaries when you little tiny babies

bibitty I have to allow myself a hollow laugh at your assertions about sleep, my DD was a fantasy sleeper UNTIL she was 9m, from 9m - 2.5 years she slept worse than she did as a newborn. we tried everything.

I think your other points are valid, but not all children sleep through from 9m, and it's not always for want of trying on the parents part.

Reading this thread with interest and sympathy. My DCs 19 months and 35 months and so much of what you say resonates with me.

But I CAN see it getting better and easier all the time with my nearly three year-old. There is light, it does get better!

ValiumSilverTongue "Children should be born at 4." Brilliant!

I spent years thinking I might not have a child, then when DS was a small baby he was very ill and I was worried I would lose him, which puts the drudgery into perspective for me. It is definitely drudgery, and I love a break, but I am oh so glad to have him. I know I might only ever have him which makes me appreciate it more too.

But I was always the one playing with the little kids at parties. Ironic that I got to be the infertile one!

I've got to agree with the OP and say I too am wishing my life away. I have one DD who is 16 months old. I'm now 38, and quite frankly the past 16 months has been the hardest 16 months of my life. Maybe it is because I had her when I was older - but I find myself wishing frequently to a time when things will be easier (and I'm still not convinced what age that will be). I'm still debating about having number 2 just because of the sheer hell which was the baby stage. I didn't enjoy it, and certainly wished on a daily basis for time to pass by more quickly. I remember feeling envious of my other friends who seemed to be coping so much better than I did. I feel sad to say all this - and things are now marginally better than they were. But, I guess reading the majority of the responses, it feels good that I'm not alone in feeling like this. Right LO is now in bed fast asleep, time to crack open the pinot grigio.

oh I do that knickyknocks. When I'm 48 I reckon I can leave the house to go to the shops and leave them on their own. By the time I'm 50 I can go out without needing a babysitter! And by the time I'm 52 !!! can I go on holiday without them? Finally go to machu pichu, lol. I do love them honestly. I just need space from them too and I never get that.

But I can't complain, they are much more fun now than two years ago. I love that we can go out without a buggy, no nappies, no chopping up food etc..... no spilling drinks in cafes! they can sit through a film.

It does get better.

OP I see you don't want to say how old yr toddler is. But I agree with bibbity, think much can be sorted and dealt with if you are getting a full night's sleep and I wouldn't expect a child aged over a year to still be waking with any kind of regularity; if they were I would look to sort that asap and the rest may feel better.

How about takimg up an evening class one night a week - learn upholstery or card making or French; or do an aerobics session or go swimming. I am a great believer in exercise as a panacea.

FWIW life is easier as they get older. I hear you on the repetition of toddlerdom but by primary age it should be looking better - hence my advice to take some action for you, then you may find yourself keener on the rest of yr life?

Great post about sharing joyous experience piprabbit

I sympathise totally. I hate early waking with a passion. DS is not at all a bad sleeper during the night, but the early waking only eased its cruel grip when he was about 5.6 (about a year later than I hoped it would). That first black 20 minutes of every single bloody day was bad news, it really was. Then the long, long, long days

To me, adorable though ds was as a very small child, life is just a lot better now that he is primary school age. Of course, it helps that I find poo jokes genuinely hilarious.

Since Xenia has not appeared on this thread, I'll ask whether you've considered going full-time at work? Sometimes stressful jobs are even worse part-time because you aren't there enough to catch a crisis before it develops, plus the family could outsource some of the drudgery. The only risk there is that for those of us who are not confident parents, it is unfortunately true that fewer hours doing it can sometimes undermine the confidence even more.

Don't wish the years away you'll find they go quick enough anyway. You will sudenly find you have tenagers who don't want to do stuf with you any more but would rather stay in hier room for hourd, Then they'll be off to college anf duni and you will miss all the stuf you used to do.

I've had time to reflect (and some really lovely, supportive messages, thank you) and I reckon the lack of sleep is a good place to start.

However, DS did not sleep through until aged 4 and DD is getting on for 20 months and showing no signs. I just typed a long post about what we do but have deleted it because I am a smart, well-read woman who works in child protection and I don't really know what more I can learn or try on the subject.

What DS did, and DD is now doing, is wake every 3 hours or less screaming full pitch regardless of whether alone, co-sleeping, light on, light off, etc (and yes we only ever make one small change at a time and give it at least a month to be consistent). DS learned by the age of 2 to not scream, and would sing happily instead, tapping out a rhythm on the wall. That carried on for about 2 years and then just... stopped.

I am told that I was the same as a child (I remember being given sleeping tablets on occasion by my very relieved parents).

Oh god I am really waffling now... Let's try and sum this up. If anyone can share their sleep strategies please, I am all ears, eager to learn and do something positive for my family. I feel I have tried everything, but you never know...

OP, I've read your thread with interest. DS1 was an abysmal sleeper up to 1 year, and DS2, 9 months, is following exactly the same pattern - wakes every 2 hours during the night and the level of screaming makes it seem impossible to do anything other than give in to what makes him go back to sleep (currently bfing and co-sleeping). Cue vicious cycle of needing to feed to sleep.

So I don't have any sleep solutions (other than possibly leave talking radio on at an extremely low level all night in his room as it might lull him back into deep sleep as he stirs).

I did want to second what someone else said about either working full time or being a mum full time, as part time work in a responsible job is recipe for awful stress in my own experience - I never felt completely in control either at home with DS1 or at work (especially at work), and never had any time to recharge. (Now I work freelance at evenings and weekends, which is a different kettle of fish, and also has its downsides, but at least I have no boss to answer to and worry about).

No sleep advice, sorry op. Just wanted to really sympathise with your situation. Lack of sleep over a prolonged period must be absolutely horrendous.

Well I just want to put in a vote for the really enjoying it party. I had a very stimulating but stressful career pre baby but I just love the space in the day to just smell the roses as it were. I do find it really joyful.

However I make sure i go out every day and meet up with other parents- i do feel different when i spend the whole day at home, and to be fair i just have one 1 year old and i can see it could get harder as he gets older but I just feel like if i had missed out on being a mother i would have missed out on life.

Be reassured that some people feel like you- i think some people find early years enjoyable and others do not. You can still do a good job of something whilst not loving it and it does not mean you do not love your kids as much as the pollyanna mums like myself. Try to make it better but don't beat yourself up-some people just struggle to enjoy all manner of aspects of life and mothering is a demanding stage for all. They will be grown up before you know it.

I have an 8yo and a just turned 3yo but I seem to be having a very different experience of parenting to you.

I'd go nuts if I was getting woken every night for 4 years! Maybe I've just been lucky but I just cant understand why there is all this prolonged night-waking. You said that you expected to have sleepless nights for years after having DCs but I think you have set your expectations too low. I assume you have discussed this with your GP/HV to determine if there is some underlying medical reason for this?

You say your DP is in poor health but can he/does he do the night wakings? Is it waking him too? What does he think about the situation? Does he help in other ways?

I honestly couldn't function if I was getting as little sleep as you so you have to sort that first.

If your eldest is over 4 then tbh I think you should give them some responsibility for getting their own drinks/snacks. I certainly haven't been running myself ragged getting drinks/snacks for my DS for several years. I have a disability which means I have difficulty with the 'fetching and carrying' you describe. My DCs have adapted to this. I ask them to pick up their own things and they mostly do. I think you need some rest and 'me time'. Have you had a weekend or anything away from them?

If their games/books are boring you to tears then cut down on these activities. Your DCs will pick up on the fact that you aren't happy. It doesn't make you a bad mother to put them in front of the tv now and again so you can put your feet up.

If you are finding your job stressful can you quit/move/cut hours? If being at home is worse maybe you would find it easier working full time (as i did)?

If you have the cash then maybe you could consider an extra day of childcare on one of your non-wrking days?

OP. Hire a trained sleep expert to sort your DD out. We dud. The lady in question said she had never met a child she could not get to sleep through within five nights. She trained our DD2 in three nights and the change was permanent. It cost us £100 a night (she slept over) but it was the best money ever spent. Better than a holiday.

FWIW I have found parenting a total rollercoastwr. I loved, loved, loved the first year with number one. I can never remember being happier. I found the first year with two shockingly hard. Now mine are 4 and 2 and some days are great and some suck. But I know that without sleep they would all suck. And without one night out every week (at least). Do you get out other than to work?

CanIretireyet - I'm going to buck the trend a bit and say that I don't think it's "normal" to feel the way you do all the time - you deserve to feel better, and it does sound to me as if you could be depressed. Please go and see your doctor and perhaps asked to be referred to a counsellor, Talking about how you feel to a real life stranger who wo;t judge you might help. And it might help you to work out any unresolved issues with your own mother which seem to be echoing down the generations.

And a plea to everyone on this thread - please please can people be careful about saying things that suggest you have to be stupid or uneducated to enjoy being home with children? It doesn't help, honestly.