I know it's wicked, but I'm basically wishing these years away

[CanIRetireYet]

I have 2 DC, one in primary and another toddler. I work part time in a very stressful job.

I am not enjoying this bit of my life in the slightest. I was thinking the other day about how many days I have probably enjoyed since becoming a parent and I could think of 3 (with holidays, Christmases and birthdays being the worst of all).

I can't bear the lack of sleep, the constant cooking & cleaning, watching my earnings going nowhere, someone always needing me, the utter mind-numbing boredom of childrens' games and books, feeling my once quick and clever mind turning to porridge. Looking in the mirror and seeing a bright young woman has been replaced by a frowning mousey figure with stained clothes. My body is so tired from fetching and carrying all the time. The constant going up and down the stairs...

I am basically living in hope for the day when my kids are old enough to occupy themselves a little, maybe sleep through most nights, perhaps even make their own drinks and snacks.

I know it is terrible but I am basically wishing these years over and hoping that I emerge from this dark tunnel with some energy remaining.

I think perhaps I'm not supposed to be a parent and now it's too late. People say "Yes, but then you see their little smiles and it's all worth it" and I just think, no, no that really doesn't ring a bell with me at all.

Is it just me? I have had depression in the past but this feels different.

can i just say it is not wicked at all to wish the years away. it really isn't. don't add to your general feeling of shitness by feeling guilty about it all, guilt has to be the most useless emotion of them all.

wish i could get my magic wand out and make it all better. all i can say is that you are absolutely not alone, you will get through this, and to echo what piprarabbit said about those moments. i also find looking at them asleep can help - though for you this could be a bit tricky!

please don't feel despondant and try to enjoy them as much as you can, don't put too many high expectations on them or yourself, it's all okay you know, better than you may think.

fwiw i find it bloody hard too

CanIretireyet the night-waking you are describing sounds absolutely dreadful. It sounds like you have become conditioned to it and you must be exhausted. IME it's not normal, and what might have started from a genine reason eg waking for hunger or illness has become learned behaviour. Humans, adults and children, can't function healthily like this long-term and I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of the feelings you are decribing are due to sleep deprivation. You and your DH need to make a plan urgently to resolve it, do you have the resources to hire a sleep specialist?

You sound detatched from your children and life, actually. We all have our down days but the level of entrenched negativity in your posts is worrying. Please do something to improve the quality of your life x

Can I ask the people on this thread who aren't happy and who have more than one child why they decided to have a second or more? Genuine question, not a dig. Is it because ultimately you knew that there was light at the end of the tunnel and that the good would outweigh the bad?

best of luck OP. I agree about the sleep issue - lack of good sleep over a long period is enough to cause depressed feelings, and will certainly exacerbate any problems.

I agree this is something that I see more frequently with older mothers. I think as you get older you get out of the runnning around acting silly stage, you are more set in your ways etc.

Older mums also seem to worry about a complete load of rubbish if mumsnet is something to go off. Dont worry about the little things, just enjoy it. Things dont have to be always regimented, it doesnt matter if you dont do x,y, z. They will survive kids are resilent so dont be hard on yourself.

I am a youngish mum (was 23 with daughter as was my husband). We have made it so we always get a night out each a week and a long lie in each a week etc. We used to do alternate nights looking after our daughter if she wakes in the night. (we still often do now and she is nearly 3).I think when you have that its also good for you as you get a bit of space/lots of sleep etc. Good luck.

CanIRetireYet In answer to your question, the only thing that worked for my DC was loads of fresh air.

When I had time, I would take them to National Trusts, or big open parkland; sometimes just to The Downs near to our home and we would all walk miles (little one in buggy for SOME of the time). I used to take loads of bread as they never tired of feeding the ducks.

The other thing that used to 'knock them out' was a daytrip to the Coast - never failed.

I think posters who say their DC slept through have been incredibly lucky.

As you say, you have tried different methods and they have not worked on your DC. We've had a dreadful winter, which won't have helped, but hopefully, now that it's milder it'll be easier.

I wish you loads of luck

I wish you loads of luck.
I wish you loads of luck.

I don't have a stutter - didn't realise I'd typed that already!

I apologise to anyone who stutters - I said that without thinking.

Just wanted to add some support. I remember feeling this way.

I was completely overwhelmed by 3 under 3yrs right up until they were all in school ft really. Looking back I was depressed and it pretty much went untreated.

The added pressure to not only cope but to enjoy and treasure every moment is huge. I couldn't manage but somehow we did. My memories of those times are sort of grey and not very vibrant or joyful I'm sad to say

I will always love my dc more than life itself but I spent most of those years feeling like a car expected to drive non stop to Australia on a teaspoon of petrol.

All I can suggest is that you need a break. I don't mean a big expensive holiday. I mean a regular day or couple of afternoons a week when you can just be you.

I used to feel hideously guilty when I ever had those chances and would cram in more housework or rather more to the point look at the housework too knackered to do it but feeling too guilty to go out and do something for me because how could I when 'all this must be done first'.

Big mistake imo. Admit some things will slide and won't be as good as you'd like. Accept that. I never could or would and still have trouble now with that one. In other words don't feel badly about just sometimes putting you and what you would like to do in some small way first. Little things to make you feel ok. This isn't a luxury it's a necessity.

Many women are the hub that keep things going on all fronts. If you don't oil that hub it'll break.

I know exactly how you feel. I went into meltdown myself yesterday after a particularly stressful attempt at going shopping with a 2 year old. Came home and saw your message.
I don't think what you're feeling is wrong or unreasonable. I sometimes long for my old life, even though I wouldn't wish my son away for anything of course. In the winter it's also particularly hard to fill the days.
I go out with my partner for a few hours maybe once every 4 months, when my mum babysits. We have to practically beg for that though! His family never helps.
You need time for yourself - and not just worktime, which I know a lot of us, me included, see as a break in itself. How you achieve that is another thing I know. Even if it just starts with an hour or two, where your other half takes the kids. Then try and build on that.
I'm gonna be putting my foot down with my family. If they were in the same situation I wouldn't just sit back and watch them suffer.
Keep in mind that this won't be forever. They will be at school one day, and you will be able to be yourself again. However much you despair now, remember they do love you and need you.

Seeker I don't think you have to be of average/low intelligence to enjoy being a mum, but I don't know any highly-intelligent women who can sit happily with their DCs in a pen full of soft balls.

The women I know, who are highly intelligent, simply struggle with stuff that's not mentally challenging - that's not to say that mums who enjoy it are thick.

I'm with you, OP. It is bloody hard work. I don't think you're depressed, nor do I think a holiday will solve it.

You just have to grin and bear it. Awful as that sounds. Put your head down, get through it, and know that things WILL improve when your dc are older.

You're not alone though.

Gorgeousx, dont think it's anything to do with intelligence. Has to do with ability to adapt, adjust, manage time, recognise your own needs & still meet them within your new priorities, make new friends, keep busy, maternal instincts, boredom threshhold and skill of NOT letting yourself get bored, ie, working the situation, the support you have, the money you have or don't have, the friends you know in the same shoes who can make you feel normal, or NO friends in the same shoes making you feel ABnormal.

Intelligece is way down on the list of what makes people cope. I know Xenia thinks that no intelligent woman can be a sahm. I have a very average iq, and I found it easy to begin with and then hard, as the money ran out and other 'issues' presented themselves. MY iq didn't change.

Gorgeous - while I know what your getting at I think you are making sweeping generalisations. I like to think I'm pretty intelligent, at least my academic and career record would suggest I am, yet I can enjoy an afternoon in a ball pool. I think any educated ambitious person needs a variety of stimulations but it's not true that intelligence is a bar to enjoying childish activities.

I think it helps to see it as a job as well. There is loads of research about how important the interaction a child has with caring adults is in its first few years, for all sorts of things relating to its future development.

I don't mean this has to be done by the mother - but whoever does it, it is important, and needs to be valued.

I try to see it as a job. The intrinsic problem is, that I would never choose a job involving small children or caring in a million years, so it's not actually much help!

ah you see I would, which is why I (most of the time...) love it...

I like sitting quietly and doing complicated things with spreadsheets.

Go figure

Can I just point out that whilst jobs are a break from the stress of children, they are not necessarily a break from stress.

I have a stressful part-time job. I am stressed and frantically busy when at work, I have to leave the house very early with DCs dressed and ready to go, I have to rush from work to pick up DS and then pick up DD, when I am home I am often worrying about work, checking emails, getting calls from the office, whilst trying to not get stressed by the DCs!

"Seeker I don't think you have to be of average/low intelligence to enjoy being a mum, but I don't know any highly-intelligent women who can sit happily with their DCs in a pen full of soft balls.

The women I know, who are highly intelligent, simply struggle with stuff that's not mentally challenging - that's not to say that mums who enjoy it are thick."

Hmmm. You don't think you have to be thick to enjoy being a mum, but you don't know any intelligent women who do.

Not sure how that can be interpreted any way apart from women who enjoy being mothers are not intelligent! But maybe there's another interpretation that I'm not clever enough to see?

I'm highly intelligent and I can't work out what she's saying either Seeker .

And I have had some great half hour/hour long intervals playing with my children in my time.

You don't have to be a hands-on/craft-making/glueing/sticking/dressing-up/board games playing parent to be a good parent but I do think you should try not to be depressed if only because of the way it affects others around you. As your experiences up to age 2/3 are the most formative of your life, the quality of care and love and affection you receive at that time is vitally important.

I also totally disagree that highly intelligent women cannot enjoy being with their children - in ball pools or wherever. It's like saying you can't enjoy swimming in a pool with your husband - you're doing something fun, with someone you love. OK, so a ball pool isn't adult fun like a swimming pool, and you have caring responsibilities too, but that's where adjustment and imagination comes in. I am (ahem) highly educated, have been called highly intelligent, yet I love being with my DS. I need to do other things too, otherwise overall I'm bored, but I try to relish the time I spend with him- probably about 90% of my time at the moment.

That's not to say that anyone who doesn't enjoy it has failed - but it can actually help to be told that mothering/parenting is an important thing to do - this book helps me remember this!

Why can't highly intelligent women can't enjoy time spent doing childish things?

You can always think. I read a lot of research on child language acquisition. It informs my ball pool work nicely

I've also done some reading!

I wonder what the people who take that view think of the people who look after their children: do they consider them stupid?

Interesting - in that I adored being with my DC when they were little but found it very hard at the same time - the constant feeling of trying to catch up or keep everything ticking over-my DH was brilliant btw and did his fair share .

The turning point for me was going back to work after a year on mat leave-as much as I loved being with my DC I felt I had entered the real world again.
I think some parents are going to thrive on being at home full time and others are better parents if they work and combine bringing up DC .
It seems to me that the OP is under enormous pressure in both roles .Sorry if I have missed it but where does your partner contribute OP ?

I remember joking with a freind at teh time 9when they were 1 and 3, so hard!): "must find myself a wife".

It is hard OP.It gets easier all the time.

I don't do board games or arts and crafts,a s it drives me NUTS somehow. But I do lots of outdoor stuff, like building lego and swimming.

Like someone said above, i do not make myself stuff I really hate, just because it is a thing other parents do.

Also, I NEVER take the DC shopping, or out to funparks or softplay. Just can't hack it.

We do go to great outdoor playground though (I take a newspaper), or I do things with friends who have kids the same age. I also think TV is great for tots if you need to cook.

Try to find yourself again, and make the most of each day. And don't kid yourself we are all so perfect and you are not.

I remember thinking "I wish I had a wife to help me do all this..." Husbands take a bit of time to learn, so remind him to help you.