I know it's wicked, but I'm basically wishing these years away

[CanIRetireYet]

I have 2 DC, one in primary and another toddler. I work part time in a very stressful job.

I am not enjoying this bit of my life in the slightest. I was thinking the other day about how many days I have probably enjoyed since becoming a parent and I could think of 3 (with holidays, Christmases and birthdays being the worst of all).

I can't bear the lack of sleep, the constant cooking & cleaning, watching my earnings going nowhere, someone always needing me, the utter mind-numbing boredom of childrens' games and books, feeling my once quick and clever mind turning to porridge. Looking in the mirror and seeing a bright young woman has been replaced by a frowning mousey figure with stained clothes. My body is so tired from fetching and carrying all the time. The constant going up and down the stairs...

I am basically living in hope for the day when my kids are old enough to occupy themselves a little, maybe sleep through most nights, perhaps even make their own drinks and snacks.

I know it is terrible but I am basically wishing these years over and hoping that I emerge from this dark tunnel with some energy remaining.

I think perhaps I'm not supposed to be a parent and now it's too late. People say "Yes, but then you see their little smiles and it's all worth it" and I just think, no, no that really doesn't ring a bell with me at all.

Is it just me? I have had depression in the past but this feels different.

I had my first pretty young (20) and have never known any different as an adult.

I wonder how much the way you feel has to do with the adjustment of having years of freedom, then these massive responsibilities in place of that freedom? My pals who have had their 1st child in their 30's have struggled more than I ever did in this regard. Although they have not been as skint as I was

Can you afford to pay for a bit of support or ask your partner for more support? Even one day to yourself a month may give you something to look forward to? I should think that the guilt of feeling like this can't help your mood.

Yes, I concur, it is 'mostly shite'. If you have more than half a brain, cooing over little darlings wears thin pretty quickly. The first year of cherub's life, the predominating thoughts are mostly about the colour and consistency of faeces.

After that it's pretty much all downhill; you've got the hassle of having to teach them to eat(with closed mouths) , speak (nicely and no swearing), walk(tall and not stooped) and go to the loo (before emptying bladder.

Then it's the very challenging juggling personalities whilst trying to ensure one's little darling is not excluded from too many parties years - also known as the school run years.

These years also go hand-in-hand with raging hormones - both yours and DC - and lots of illnesses and ensuring they don't die when their temperatures hit 40 degrees.

One must also soothe DH's brow and be 'up for it' in order to ensure said spouse does not tire of one and have an affair with the young nubile blonde in the office.

Then there are the teenage years, where one's DCs show their appreciation for one's sacrifices by telling one that one is the worst mum out of all their friends.

Yes, I think you summed it up rather well =- 'mostly shite'

I find opening a quality Cabernet Sauvignon at 2.45 p.m. and finishing the bottle around 9.00 p.m. whilst enthusing with DH about the Elizabeth 2nd Bridge, helps.

Gorgeousx that's hilarious - I second wine, but not til 6

Do you know this thread has reminded me of how I felt when I was on mat leave with DD and I had a 2yr old DS too. A sense of complete panic that I was stuck in the house with them because gonig anywhere was so hard! There was always so much to do - mind-numbing and dull things normally. And entertaining DS1 took so much energy. And I spent the entire time feeling tired and fed up. And guilty because I should be enjoying these 'magical' years.

When I went back to work I missed them and used to think how much I'd love to stay with them at the CM's house and play. Knowing full well that it would only be fun because she was there to make it work. She was much better 'mum' in that way than I was.

And I cried when they went to school. Because it was an end to an era. But it wasn't an era that I enjoyed - it was one that I thought I should have enjoyed. And still had expecation os enjoying inspite of experience.

Life is much easier now they are older. 2 of mine are at secondary school and my youngest is 7. I work full-time in a career that is back on track, DH is also working so we have enough money, the children are happy and doing well in school. But looking back makes me shudder TBH. I had honestly forgotten how bad it was.

It will get better. Just hang on in there

God I was elated when ds2 went to school

FINALLY some RELIEF from the drudgery or toddler tantrums, staggered pick up times and unreasonable maniacal behavior.

CanIretireyet if sleep deprivation is contributing to your feelings if struggling it may be an idea to tackle the night waking head-on? Is it your older or younger child or both who is waking? You will gets lots of ideas on here about how to go about improving sleep for the whole family.

IME being tired makes me feel like I can't cope very well.

If you have other friends who you know are struggling would it be possible to help each other out? Eg You take your SiL children for an afternoon so she do something that she wants to do, then she returns the favour the next day?

I think different people enjoy different aspects of their children's life and will all dislike some points. I'm well immature so currently loving my DD being a toddler, but I hated it when she was a little baby, and I dread the teenage years (lets hope she's nothing like I was!)

I don't think you have to suffer a lot of sleep deprivation once your babies are past say 6-9 months, tbh.

Yes, we all know the toddler years are hard. But one of the op's children is in primary school and she gets a change from the tedium of full-time sahm-dom by working part-time.

She talks about "watching my earnings going nowhere", "utter mind-numbing boredome of children's games and books" (what, she gets no pleasure from these at all?), "frowning mousey figure", "long dark tunnel", "holidays, Christmas and birthdays being the worst days of all".

I think its a bit trite to say "all this will pass". I think op needs to try and get better, its an abnormal amount of dislike and displeasure she is recounting here. Can't be much fun for the children, either.

I can tell you that when my first child was in primary and my second was at a child-minder and I was working (actually I've worked four days a week since mine were babies) one of my colleagues told me she was pregnant and I just thought 'you are going to ruin your life, WHY are you doing it?'

It is entirely possible I was depressed. It is entirely possible that the OP is mildly depressed. It might be worth checking out. But that depression is also a quite realistic reaction, for many of us.

They really are quite boring, small children. Adorable, but limited in conversational skills. And one has to endure puppets. And playgrounds.

I don't have any practical experience of this, so may be talking rubbish, but didn't want to read and run.

On the snack / drink issue (and I know that's just a minor point) I know that some mums have drawers with snacks and drinks that their children can deal with themselves, and can get them when they like. I don't know if it would be suitable for your DCs, but it might be an idea?

Someone also pointed out on another thread that it's fine not to do things with your kids that bore you, or to spend comparatively little time doing them. If you don't like playing board games but you do like going to the playground, say, then it's not the end of the world not to play boardgames.

I can empathise with the op. I have a 3 yo and a 4 mo and feel like I am just surviving atm. It's hard to know what may be depression & what is just exhaustion at the complete relentlessness of it all. Think it is more difficult for some than others. I really need headspace and physical space & with a chatty (understatement!) preschooler & a bfed baby I get neither & it is not good for me.

Sorry to hear you're struggling, op. It certainly sounds as though you need more support. I have to say as a pregnant first-timer, you've described all my worst fears of what motherhood might be like, if things don't work out as well as was hoped for. The experiences here really don't fill me with confidence! Is this really it for the next few years?? Guess I'll find out soon enough!

I tend to agree with you bippityboppity.

small children are hard, hard work. It's unrelenting, it's drudgery - that's why men choose not to take their share of responsibility.

Mine are 4 and 6 (school and pre-school). I work P/T as well. I can't wait for them to be a bit older and be less dependant.

I have a nearly 4yo and a 16mo and I feel like this most of the time. I am not depressed butI am getting through the days to a magical time when they will not need me so much, when they will be able to go on car jurneys without falling asleep and then not sleeping that nigth, when my life will not revolve round how much sleep I/they have had.

I think you are me OP

I have a 3.5 and a 1.5 and I get very little out of looking after them - obviously I love them and all that but I find looking after them a relentless unrewarding task. Strangely one or the other is fine - but both is just awful. I work part time and love the time away from them. I think things will get a lot better when DD2 can talk, at the moment it's pointing and going "uhuhuhuhu" and then having a tantrum and DD1 is terribly bossy just like her mum. They are lovely really but blimey, when DH is working long days I dread it.

My mantra is that it'll be fine once the high dependency phase is over, I'm just not cut out for it. We can't all be, it's just the way it is.

I also think that mssoul has a point - I have said to DH that I wonder if it's harder to adjust to the change when you are older - I have really struggled with it.

Good luck OP and chin up, it won't be forever

schmohawk I suspect that most of the people replying are doing so as they empathise with the OP, people who find it easy realise that they wouldn't add much in the way of support!

It'll be just fine

You could start a thread asking for people to say what they like most about looking after babies/toddlers and you'll get a very different picture

I too was having the same conversation yesterday. I am not depressed even if I have suffered in the past.

Both boys sleep well and we are pretty strict too but I'm struggling with the 'mum' thing - I'm not seeing the delight and fun. I really struggle at the weekends as hubby works most of it as self employed, busy, workaholic, money I can go on...plus we have a farm. So I'm frantic and on edge every moment. I struggle to entertain and get what I need done.

I'm sooo envyous of couple who have lovely weekends together when the partner takes the kids out and mum has chance to have a trip to the gym or coffee with a friend.

All I can say thank god for two nursery days when I am on my own - do business, decorate, shop, plan etc Even though Hubby agrees we cant really afford it - if I didnt I'd go like a cabbage.

School run with the eldest - such a short day and before you know it your back again.

What I cant understand (dont know yr circumstances, sorry) why family dont offer. I did a post recently and I was shot down for expecting the odd weekend of grace with the hubby. I am very disappointed with the lack of offers I get from the grandparents - when they are very able and well and see me struggling.

Is there anyone who could pick them up from school etc - I have been getting offers recently for going to friends after school - could you start with yours one week, mine next?

I know exactly what you mean when people say - about the smile - No I dont get it either!

I too am looking forward to them being older, they can do work with their dad and do more for themselves but also dreading the teenage as these boys are going to be very head strong and will be 6 footers and big! When I see heavily pregnant first time mums I kind of feel sorry for them as they have no idea how un-idilic its going to be.

I think you have to call for help otherwise your life is going to be miserable. Perhaps plan more in advance, get out with adults and have fun. Suppose that thinking its only short term is getting me through this. Def no more kids for me -I had planned on a large family - sod that!

I think that the bulk of parenting is made up of thankless, tiring, unenjoyable tasks. But dotted throughout the days are moments which can be joyful. It is remembering to notice and enjoy those moments as they happen, that makes parenting a positive experience. It is very easy to let the days pass in a blur of misery, with the good bits going unnoticed and unrecognised. Sometimes, as a parent, you can manufacture these moments, by planning an activity where you hope there will be some fun and enjoyment for everyone.

As the OPs eldest DC is at school, it is probably also time to think about ways of introducing them to some of the OPs hobbies and passions. That way, instead of the OP feeling bogged down in a morass of kiddy-stuff, the OP will be able to share some grown-up ideas with her eldest DC. For example my 7yo DD has gone to the ballet with her GPs; I took her away for the weekend (just the two of us) so I could show her the village I grew up in; we are both fascinated by history, so we go to museums together.

I think I'm trying to say that small children are hard to be around all the time, but don't wait passively for them to grow older (and possibly further from you), try and take some positive steps to share good experiences - however small.

Sorry very long post.

Hi, I can relate with the speeding the clock feeling and have to remind myself life is too short I don't want to wish my years away. Problem is usually worse for me on Mondays and gets progressively easier as the week goes on. AS far as depression goes, do you do things for yourself to make sure your energy levels are at their highest possible? Like regular exercise (3x week) if you can fit it in! I know that has been a huge energy/mood booster for me and has helped a lot with depression and maybe vitamin D supplements for winter? I always feel more like this in the winter and Vit D/Fish oil has made life easier this winter. Just different ideas, hope it helps,

Yes, schmohawk, my DSis has 4 DCs, 2 years between each and is a SAHM. The youngest just started primary school this week.

BUT as far as I know, she's enjoyed being a mum and spending time with the kids. YES, it's tough at times - exhausting etc. But she's been fine with it. As many are.

Horses for courses!

FWIW, I've enjoyed being a mum thus far, although only have one and haven't hit toddlerhood yet (DD is 1yo). I'm planning on having a second and just hope I'll be able to juggle the two and still enjoy it. My DH is a brilliant support and his working hours mean he is at home for good chunks of the day, so that helps take the pressure of greatly.

A number of the mums on my thread also have 2 DCs fairly close in age and are generally enjoying it, so don't fret - plenty of women get a lot out of this stage of motherhood.

Sympathy to the OP, though. And the other posters who aren't exactly having a ball with 2 LOs....

I reckon I would have felt like this if I had had children too young.
Being an older parent means there is often much less resentment at the effect on your looks, career, income and loss of freedom.

Mssoul I think you make a very good point regarding what age you have children at. I'm an 'older' mum - I was 35 when I had my first and 40 when I had my second, and last!

I think that, not only does caring for somebody else require a big adjustment, but one tries harder. Please don't get me wrong - I'm not suggesting older mothers are better mothers, but I think we older mums expect more from ourselves, as mothers; precisely because we're NOT young and inexperienced in life.

We KNOW that it's not good to shout at the little darlings so we beat ourselves up over it. We know that life is easier when one's DC are confident, and so we worry about their self-esteem and we are acutely aware of every single little thing we should not have said or done and beat ourselves up about our DCs psyches.

These are probably not very good examples.; I'm not sure that I have explained this very well.

All I know is that's probably why I need to open the bottle of wine at 2.45 p.m. whereas you can wait until 6.00p.m.

"Being an older parent means there is often much less resentment at the effect on your looks, career, income and loss of freedom."

I don't think you are wicked, btw op, but I think you are right to question whether or not this is a normal (fwiw, I think not) or desirable way to spend your dc early years.