I know it's wicked, but I'm basically wishing these years away

[CanIRetireYet]

I have 2 DC, one in primary and another toddler. I work part time in a very stressful job.

I am not enjoying this bit of my life in the slightest. I was thinking the other day about how many days I have probably enjoyed since becoming a parent and I could think of 3 (with holidays, Christmases and birthdays being the worst of all).

I can't bear the lack of sleep, the constant cooking & cleaning, watching my earnings going nowhere, someone always needing me, the utter mind-numbing boredom of childrens' games and books, feeling my once quick and clever mind turning to porridge. Looking in the mirror and seeing a bright young woman has been replaced by a frowning mousey figure with stained clothes. My body is so tired from fetching and carrying all the time. The constant going up and down the stairs...

I am basically living in hope for the day when my kids are old enough to occupy themselves a little, maybe sleep through most nights, perhaps even make their own drinks and snacks.

I know it is terrible but I am basically wishing these years over and hoping that I emerge from this dark tunnel with some energy remaining.

I think perhaps I'm not supposed to be a parent and now it's too late. People say "Yes, but then you see their little smiles and it's all worth it" and I just think, no, no that really doesn't ring a bell with me at all.

Is it just me? I have had depression in the past but this feels different.

Earlier posters were right - what I said did not make sense.

IMO GENERALLY highly-intelligent women struggle with the mundane, repetetive early childhood years; also, IMO, GENERALLY women who think it's fun to be with their DC in the early years, are not highly- intelligent.

Personally, I never read when at a park with my children, because I watched them, to ensure they didn't wander off.

Also, I gave up a career in order to raise my children myself, so I have no idea if people take a dim view of their child-carers.

I'm jolly glad I did give up my career to raise my children and I get immense pleasure from them and their achievements. I have had many happy years at home with them, and have been able to persue my interests at the same time; BUT I FOUND THE EARLY YEARS VERY VERY DIFFICULT AND CAN EMPATHISE WITH THE ORIGINAL OP.

She herself puts her state of mind down to the fact that she is 'very clever' and has in fact stated that all she really wants is tips for getting a good night's sleep.

"IMO, GENERALLY women who think it's fun to be with their DC in the early years, are not highly- intelligent."

I honestly can't be bothered to engage with crap like that. Consider yourself flamed.

I think that it rather a shame that people think engaging with small children is somehow beneath them, they miss such a lot.
I think that intelligent women who are perfectly secure about their own self worth can just get on and enjoy it.
OP is just over stressed to a point where she can't enjoy anything, she either needs to do less or have more help. At the moment she is spread too thin and getting the worst of both worlds.

My post probably seems a bit glib because it is easier said than done. Sitting down with a piece of paper and working out where changes could be made would be a start, even if they are very small changes to start with.

TBH GeorgeousX, in my NCT circle (journalists, academics, teachers, international bankers), most people enjoy being with their children a lot. Some also like to work, but that doesn't mean that they find time with their children to be mostly 'mundane, repetetive [sic]'. I'm sure some 'highly intelligent' women don't enjoy their childrens' early years much, but that has not been my experience.

So, my experience directly contradicts yours - therefore maybe we can stop generalising? You didn't say IME, you said IMO - and it seems that your opinion is being (successfully) challenged.

Good Lord woman, are you implying that you would need to actually read while in the presence of your children in order to feel you were using your brain? If an individual woman lacks the creativity and initiative to be able to intellectually stimulate herself while in the presence of children, she probably isn't quite as intelligent as she might believe herself to be. Thinking is free, portable and cheap. You can think about great and lofty things while repeating the word "ball" a million times if that's what you need to do to feel fulfilled.

Having said all that, the wisest of people know how to enjoy each ordinary moment as it is.

Obviously it is not free and cheap .
That'll be the time spent doing monotonous and repetitive things eroding my higher level education, I guess (shrugs).

Fourleaf everything is relative, as you have highlighted in your post, by referring to journalists, teachers and international bankers as being highly intelligent.

I was thinking more in the realm of Jane Goodall or Rachel Zimmerman.

Op, where do you live?

It becomes harde when DC are in school, but I added a lot of pizzaz to my early parenting experience by basically using them as a cover to do all sorts of wacky/cultural/touristy/plain indulgent activities.

My DH started me off on this path: he figured that kids just like to be with you, and your predominant job as a parent is to get to the end of the day with all the kids safe and happy.

So, so long as my kids are with me, I feel perfectly virtuous spending days eating chips in the park, or browsing shopping centres, or drifting around museums, or even going to matinee theatre/cinema etc.

GorgeousX, women who are in "that realm" would be all the more likely to find inspiration and stimulation in everything. Assuming the care of young children to be "monotonous" and "repetitive" is a failure of imagination, I think.

It's interesting you chose as examples women whose life's work relates so strongly to communication. I would imagine that both of them might find quite a lot to interest and inspire them in spending time with children (didn't Jane Goodall write children's books?).

If you are going to be reductive of women's experience, you would find yourself in good company with those who would consider chimpanzees and people with disabilities to be "monotonous" and "repetitive", too .

op, hang on in there

it gets better, the kids will sleep better eventually, things will improve

just hang on in

and I'm talking as someone who had the worlds worse sleepers, no family support, a dh who worked shifts and no money

as they get older they get more independant and it gets easier on the mum, trust me

I always thought that whether you enjoyed caring for small children or not was down to what sort of personality you had. This thread is very odd.

I also find it a bit miserable that my decision to do an OU course while my children are small somehow means that I am lacking in creativity and actually rather thick

In fact this whole thread is getting

Good luck with it OP, there has been some good advice on here I think, at least you know you're not the only one!

In fact, working9while5, you have singlehandedly managed to slate all of the people who were good enough to come onto the thread and support the OP with their stories, even though it meant confessing something which is still hard for women to do ie that they are not enjoying some parts of motherhood.

Nice work.

ISNT - I think you are right, its down to personality/character not intelligence.

I am a very impatient person and a bit of a control freak, which is why I find being at home 24/7 with LOs hard work. I am also quite target driven, so find it hard to while away the days free as a bird IYSWIM!

I really wish I was the sort of person who had the patience to enjoy being at home all day with young DCs. I wish I had the inner calm. Sadly, DD takes after me, which makes for a bad mix some days!!!

To put it down to intelligence is just ridiculous.

As the OP can I just urge anyone who can be arsed to note that I haven't mentioned intelligence anywhere.

I have basically said something that has been buried deeply and about which I am thoroughly ashamed - I am not enjoying 99.9% of motherhood, am exhausted, disheartened and in need of rest.

It's been interesting watching this thread develop over the weekend. Reading my OP has acted as quite a wake-up call; it's not until now, seeing it written down, that I can see the need and potential for change. For years now I have been picking myself up, thinking positive and "getting on with it," but I feel there is something at the root of this dissatisfaction that it would be helpful for me to pay attention to. I have therefore arranged for some telephone counselling, will be seeing the GP this week (although did the Edinburgh scale yesterday myself and came out with a very low score) and will be seeing the health visitor this week about youngest's sleep.

I am so grateful to those who have shared their still very taboo negative feelings about motherhood.

...ran out of room.... Anyway I might come back in a few weeks with an update as some people have been so kind. But parts of this thread have just reaffirmed my belief that I am not and never will be a good enough mum for my kids, and I can't work out whether people are really being judgey or if I'm being paranoid, so I am going to step away from it for now.

Of course you are good enough, DCs only want their own parent. Knowing that you want change is the first step,start with something small and move on from there. Good luck.

Good for you caniretireyet for taking action.

And good luck with everything

I am sure that no matter how you feel inside, your children are happy and well looked after. That is how I feel with mine, and my DH confirms that is the correct way to feel. It's a problem for me, it's not rubbing off on them.

I wish you all the best

Don't be so ridiculous, ISNT. I " have singlehandedly managed to slate all of the people who were good enough to come onto the thread and support the OP with their stories, even though it meant confessing something which is still hard for women to do ie that they are not enjoying some parts of motherhood" simply because I suggested that you could be intelligent and enjoy being a mum?

I was responding to a specific point which was really quite insulting to women.

Not really sure how it had quite the sweeping impact you suggested. It was clearly directed to GorgeousX. Are you saying that what is necessary to support women in confessing they don't enjoy parts of motherhood is wholesale consensus that that's okay because everyone who does enjoy it is thick???

By the way, I think everyone has times when they find being a mum/a woman/a worker/a lover/a friend really tough.

I took issue with one poster making a link between finding motherhood difficult to intelligence. I don't think it helps anyone to go in for easy stereotypes that having an interest in kids = being some sort of thicko or that finding motherhood hard = being a genius.

Neither of these positions should make the OP feel fantastic and I don't see how either would be supportive.

Thanks you. I did say I was a smart person earlier, but that was just in relation to sleep & was me trying to say that I have read all I can on the subject.

Gorgeousx - I did say I was clever in reply to a PM but that was in a different context! No worries though you have helped me a lot (with a sense of humour too!)

I often worry the very opposite, that there is a wisdom that I lack in relation to motherhood. Hope not!

Okay, going now, really :)

"Thanks you?!" good grief I really need some rest.

Someone tell me to go away (kindly!)

CanIretireyet Sorry to see you go. I feel EXACTLY the same way as you. I want to fast-forward my life, as it seems like such hard work sometimes. I too have a part-time job I find quite stressful. There is so much to organise for the school and at home and at work. I'm often sleep deprived, as I'm not really a very good sleeper. I often feel quite overloaded, but I soldier on.

However, I have faith that it will get easier.

Just thought I'd say that it's not just you. In fact, I was quite relieved to see your post, as it's not just me either.

Pity the post has been hi-jacked a bit. Maybe we could find a post for all of us in the same situation to be a bit more supportive. I don't want to change my life - it's great in many respects - it's just full volume.

Look, I wasn't saying anything to you OP. Just saying that it's not about being intelligent. Sometimes, life is hard going and it has nothing to do with IQ. Making it about intelligence makes it something out of an individual's control, in this instance almost something coplimentary. From what I can see on MN and in RL, hating it nearly always relates to either a) lack of support or b) depression. Neither of those things have anything to do with internal characteristics and happily, they're both something you can do something about (if not easily).

I got cross with the point and forgot about you, sorry..