Cooking with aubergines

[ImSoNotTelling]

And here we are! I don't know if anyone will join in or not, but if anyone does, I have a little rant I would like to get off my chest!

How's that for tempting

nappyaddict I can post the answer to that a bit later but the details are so specific that I'm trying to think of a way to frame them without identifying dd.

ISNT's story is at the start of this thread.

at your mother. She sounds um, a bit toxic herself? But then she has a grown child whereas you're vulnerable because you have young children.

Welcome to the thread by the way

I was "lucky" I guess. The SW came around, we had a chat and she said I can see there is nothing to worry about here and left. But it still looms over me every time I do something my mum doesn't agree with (which is a lot)

so we've all had our cases closed. mine was never opened. sw never came. sw never called. but i was refered to ss. is is just my pride that is hurt ? at being accused of abuse ? is it thta simple ? because it is was then i should be bale to get over thta, shouldn't I ?

we are all angry. offeneded at being refered. but shit happens to people. and they get over it. why can't I/we ?
i think maybe becasue i feel its so unjust. but then life is unjust. if you ask someone whose child died. or husband. ask trinity rhino at the unjustness of life. bet her life after losing her husband is more significant than our little 'gripes'. we all know. life IS unjust. where is my healing/getting over this mechanism. so it was shit. but in the grand scheme of things. its not THAT bad. is it. do i just need to pull my socks up, shut the f**k up, and get on with it ?

You haven;t had what the americans would call "closure" obs. we all still feel uncertain about everythign, as if it's still hanging over us. that's why we don't get over it.

Just caught up with new posts and going out again in a mo.

nappyaddict am horrified at your mum's behaviour. She sounds horrible. Are you on that stately homes thread or anything like that?

AND, we are all sympathising with eachother on this thread. but when you tell other posters, they just tell you that you should get over it. I am starting to worry that on MN, and also in RL, you know you meet someone and they drain on and on about the same thing. and they sound so embittered. and like they've lost of sense of perspective.
I'm starting to feel like this. On Mn I think, oh when i post, they'll think, oh don't worry about that obs, she has no perspective, becasue once .....ss........abuse ..... etc. etc.

I don't want that.

Yes, nappyaddict. That's pretty much it.

When they arrived, I was crying and very upset. DH had gone to the police station when I rang him to say I had called the cops. He thought they were going to arrest him, so he played up the whole 'depressed wife' scenario. They brought him home to find me crying and very upset, especially when they wouldn't hand me my crying, hungry baby

I felt like I was - no, in fact I was, basically - being abused by 2 men, one of whom was my husband. He had the power on his side, he'd turned it round in an instant.

Later, when I wanted to leave the marriage, I knew that he could easily, easily take my children if he wanted to.

The SS report praises him for his 'support' of me, because he was so charming during their one phone call.

The report says I wanted to leave him, but SW felt without his 'support' I might be too depressed to cope and DC might be at risk of neglect!

I was thinking about your DH's behaviour late last night Para. It was an abusive thing to threaten to do.

Then the systemic abuse. Aren't there laws about separating a BF mother and child? It really isn't good for either party - how the hell could you just not have fed all weekend anyway and picked back up? It doesn't work like that, you were protecting your baby!

And why involve someone else? Love the, "you can't cope but I won't do it, I'll rope my mother in"

Even the threat of it would have made any mother terrified and irrational.

There is something very wrong with the way women are treated in this country, at every level

Well not irrational in the true sense but irrational in how outsiders would perceive it IYKWIM.

Powerlessness is a recurring theme.

Oblomov maybe people like us are thought of on MN and in RL the way you describe. But this is a safe thread and we really might get somewhere, get the "closure" we need. Even if we don't, it's no bad thing to have people to talk to.

Para, I keep thinking about you. poor you. and your last couple of posts have made me even sadder. how is your marriage now ?
bet you regret calling the police now. i regret going got see that GP, who I ghad never met before.

Obs, good question re why I can't get over it. Humiliation, shame, fear.

I suppose because, as a mother, I already do blame myself for my child's difficulties. It isn't ideal to have a depressed mother and parents at war.

I'm also carrying around leftover shame from having grown up in a dysfunctional family. So all that is being triggered.

Recently I have approached various services wrt DC - GP, CAMHS, etc. I think it's a big step. I know we need professional help to understand and work with what is happening. Frankly I am ready to have it all come out in the open.

But 'at risk of significant harm?' My children aren't and never were, and SS agreed. Still, if someone else decides to have us checked out 'just in case,' it might look like a pattern and SS might come back.

It just makes you feel scummy and violated.

I keep cross posting, so sorry!

My marriage is pretty bad TBH. I'm trying to decide what to do about that. It has improved vastly but we need therapy or something. I'm hoping CAMHS will help with that.

DH deeply regrets his stupid threat. Sadly he thought he was being clever - thought I would just 'snap out of it.' But he has never been able to express remorse to the extent I seem to need him to.

Roping in his mother - well don't get me started. He could have threatened to take DC anywhere but he chose there on purpose! I have been abused by them for years. My depression gave everyone an excuse to use me as the family scapegoat.

I'll tell you what bothers me. The stigma. That's it. No one really believes your children weren't at risk. It's like being accused of rape, but acquitted. Everyone believes you did it, forever.

Re regretting calling the police - OMG. Worst mistake of my life. But I didn't know he was bluffing. He kept telling me, later, I should have known. Yeah, right.

I don't know which is worse. having someone else to blame - your dh is also responsible. or it being all down to yourself. ISNT chose herself to ring those drink people. I chose to go and see a Gp who i'd never met before. i can blame no one other than myself.
not sure which is worse.

How were you supposed to know he was "bluffing" if he was capable of voicing such an extreme and deliberately hurtful notion in the first place?

supposed to know he was bluffing. given the history and how you feel about his mum. oh please thats just pants.

have you told him that his remorse is not enough / not deep enough. or do you think it could never be enough ?

Ob what happened with the GP if you don't mind me asking?

(Still trying to formulate a response to nappyaddict myself so totally understand if you can't say for whatever reason!)

The whole point of bluffing is to trick someone. What he did not count on was my mama bear instinct to stop him taking my baby away. To save himself from being judged, he focused the attention on me. I'm not sure whether I can ever forgive that betrayal. Because of the fucking FILE.

Because it will always in fact be open. Closed really means nothing, does it?

(does it? We really need these questions answered)

Oh and want to know about enhanced disclosures? They can contain unsubstantiated allegations! At the chief of police's discretion.

So I am unable to bury it, let it rot, and move on. Does that make sense?

This is why I almost want to be loud and proud about the whole thing. So no one can ever 'find out,' because I've already disclosed. KWIM?

I mean really, what did he think I would do?

FFS.

Why didn't he just make me a cup of tea, give me a cuddle, hold the baby while I had a long shower, take me to the GP, etc, etc, etc.

Mama Bear - exactly! When I was thinking last night I had the phrase "lioness" in my head.

Was also thinking that sending you to bed with tea and meals brought to you between feeds might have been more appropriate.

Exactly.

How many women with PND are referred to SS? I'm v curious. What is the official criteria? Surely my GP or HV would not have made a referral?

Now, I can see that the police could have made the referral based on a worry that I was being potentially abused (evidenced by DH's threat).

However, that was not the case. They were very clear that DH was innocent and I was a potential danger to my child - all that 'staring daggers' etc.

Yes that sort of recourse should have been available to you rather than being a further threat.

I wish I knew about PND.

Maybe we'll end up with an approximation of a Survivors Guide, there are so many questions.

Trouble is it's all so subjective.

I have a copy of my file. I do not know if it is still on file at SS but I expect it is. I tried to contact my case worker but she has not returned my calls, as she is a busy social worker with not enough time, I assume, to deal with even the serious cases of neglect, abuse, etc.

What do you mean 'it' is on your medical records. Do you mean a copy of the file is in your records?

Is this also in the HV's records?

What do you mean it 'comes up every year?'

I did not need SS involvement and it was not a 'domestic.' That point is debatable I'm sure.

Yes I have deep-rooted resentment. As I have explained, it is difficult to forgive and forget when the implications of his action can continue to affect me.

SS did not need to get involved. SS involvement did nothing but worsen my depression, worsen our family's stress, and jeopardize the financial security of my children (by making it more difficult for me to become employed - especially true if I left my husband).

My disclosure is clean. My SW check will never be 'clean' again as far as I can tell.

"you have deep rooted maybe resentment for your dh for not supporting you at the time you needed him most? SS needed to get involved"

With all due respect that makes no sense at all. The resentment came from the SS involvement, surely. Do you really think they needed to get involved?

Of course you are welcome altinkum it's nice to see you and it was nice to meet you on the other thread that prompted this.

I think something that is recurring is that we all feel a continuing sense of powerlessness, amongst other things.

For me it was a huge shock that my "doing the right thing" landed me in trouble. It had not even for a moment crossed my mind that a report to SS would ensue. That shook my whole life view. From believing that the world was broadly on my side, to understand that is wasn't. That terribly unexpected things can happpen that are competely out of your control.

I know now that no matter how safe I try to keep my family, and no matter what I do, SS could still knock on teh door any minute. I didn't understand that before. I thought that people who were involved with SS had done something wrong.

Also about the sexism thing that milady raised. When I was told they had reported me, and I reacted with shock, I asked to speak to her boss. He called me back and during the course of teh conversation, I said "If a man were going to the pub after work, and having 3 or 4 pints, and then going home to his wife and children, and that was it (no bad behaviour or anything) would you report him to SS? And he LAUGHED and said "of course not". To which I said "why have you reported me then???". FFS.