Cooking with aubergines

[ImSoNotTelling]

And here we are! I don't know if anyone will join in or not, but if anyone does, I have a little rant I would like to get off my chest!

How's that for tempting

Ok

Well I can change the thread that's fine, can ask MNHQ if we decide what we want to call it, I'm sure they won't mind changing it.

I suppose the thing is what do we want?

Do we want to talk to each other (ie sympathetic people) abotu what has happened to try and get it out of our systems some more. To be able to talk about the things that happened without fear of people saying - well all the stuff that is always said on the usual threads

Do we want SW or other people to come and tell us what they think

Do we want to talk about teh way things seem to be working and agree with each other on the bits that we are upset with

Do we want to talk to others/SW and potentially disagee about the things to do with teh bits that we are upset with

Anything else?

The thing with getting SW on the thread is that they (understandably) see what we say as an attack on their service etc. Which doesn't get us anywhere. We all accept that some are good, some are not so good, and in fact for all of us 3 anyway it's outside organisations that have caused us the most grief.

Maybe we could start by telling each other our stories, getting it off our chests. Where we think things went wrong, what has been the most upsetting thing, the most unfair thing, maybe that would be a good place to start?

There's no harm in talking, we can see where it goes from there

Great ideas ISNT. It doesn't have to be just us either. As I said, if we see someone on another thread who is still very upset we can kidnap direct them here. So it might do some good in that respect too.

Leonie would be a good person to have around, think I saw her earlier but with a slight name change but I can't remember where.

No not just us. Anyone who wants to join in. It would be nice if Leonie was here. I will keep my eyes peeled

I'm here. I'm so fucking damaged, paranoid, and terrified from my SS experience I have created another MN identity just to post on this thread. FFS.

Hello.

Smoke without fire. Don't even get me started about people finding what they are looking for.

Hey you

New ID isn't a bad idea actually...

I guess by milady's hello that I know you too?

oh wait, I've just re-read my post and someone could think when I said 'I'm here' I meant 'I am Leonie, mentioned above.'

I'm not. Sorry if I confused.

Every single day, for years, I have worried that my children will be taken away, because there is a file on me now.

Yesterday my oldest child did something really dangerous and I shouted.

I'm terrified some misunderstanding do-gooder might have called SS or the NSPCC 'just in case.' They will investigate, see I have a closed file (No Further Action), find out my child has behaved badly in a new school, assume I must be abusive, invade my life, destroy my career, destroy what's left of the marriage that was already almost completely destroyed the first time.

That list from the other thread - such a good list. I think someone should copy and paste it here.

I'm scared someone will recognize my writing style and guess who I am.

It has really, really fucked me up.

I didn't know whether you were Leonie or not so just said hello anyway!

You've lived with this worry for years? Good grief. Good point about the strain it puts on marriage.

In the five days between knowing about the referral and the case being closed I don't think DH and I have ever had so many disagreements.

All to do with the process, not knowing what was going to happen and when, not understanding why it had happened, whether one or the other was overreacting...

And even typing that I am wondering whether someone who knows the story will put two and two together and make five and assume we were arguing about how dd came to injure herself. Even though DH wasn't even on the same floor let alone in the same room.

Utter utter paranoia.

I'm not quite ready to write my story but I will. I'm so scared someone will guess who I am. At the same time, I just want it OUT. KWIM?

Whoops! Sorry for misunderstanding. Hello paranormum.

You post really affected me, the fact that it's been years and you are still looking over your shoulder.

I think it is underestimated who devastating this is, and I think you raise good points.

What was so upsetting was in part

That I didn;t know what the process was
That I didn't understand what would happen when and how
That we were issued with a report which contained inaccuracies, with no means of recourse provided
That we were told (months later) "no further action" but not what that means. presumably we are on a database somewhere? There is a file on us? That if anything else happens, another investigation will automatically be triggered? Will the previous referral count against us, even though "not further action" was the outcome?

And so on.

The thing that made me really angry as well, was that the SW told me that she would contact DD nursery. So I had to go to the nursery and sit down with the manager and explain all of this to her. To let her know to expect a call - teh SW had said that it was a good idea to do that. And then the SW never bloody called them. So I had that excrutiating conversation, and now the nursery know I was boozy, for nothing. And teh same with teh GP.

The otehr thing I have no idea about is stuff like, do they alert the school when the DCs go to school that we are "known" to them? Stuff like that. i suspect not, but the point is, they should tell poeple this stuff. They should tell pepole what it all means, when info will be shared, who will be told. What it all means. it's all so opaque and that is what makes it so scary. You feel as if you are grappling with some kind of beaucratic process that you don't understand, and if you do it wrong you lose big-time, but no-one will explain the rules to you.

it's so stresful. I didn't eat for 2 days when I was told they'd reported me. I lost a stone. Luckily, I didn't have a drink. I mean, how bloody helpful was that. "Hello I've given up drinking" "Oh right, now would be a good time to apply an inordinate amount of stress to you". FGS.

paranormum share as much or as little as you want.

I feel a bit tearful after writing that.

I hope that just by talking we can start to get rid of some of the anger. Maybe the fear?

I am determined that we are not going to make each other even more paranoid and fearful, that would be bad. I am on the case with that one

All I will say right now, is that my family did need support. I needed support. I did not need social services. Social services involvement has done nothing but hurt us in every way. If anything, my children's lives were damaged by the fallout from their involvement, and will continue to be damaged.

And just to clarify, the outcome of my investigation was 'no further action' required after initial assessment, my parenting was notably good, and the file was closed. But closed doesn't mean erased. It's always there, as a whiff of 'smoke.'

Not to mention I can never just close the file in my mind, because the head teacher knows about it, and the HV, and the GP, and the Sure Start staff, and all the people who were asked about me, It's always there

Not to mention the fact that my job requires an enhanced CRB and social work check! So...it's THERE too. And it will be there if I ever want to change jobs.

And guess what my great crime was?

I was depressed. My darling husband told the police I was depressed. Just after he (bluffing, thinking he could 'snap me out of it,' but how could I know that) told me he was taking my breastfeeding newborn to his mother's for the weekend so I could rest, which was when I, hysterical, overtired and depressed, called the police. They arrived at my house, and rather than chiding my husband for attempting to pretend to take a baby, they would not let me hold the baby because I was 'staring daggers' at my husband. Yep, that I was!

So yeah, we've had some ishoos since then.

Let's recap:

marital problems
stress
paranoia
worse depression, self-esteem problems, humiliation
scared to seek help ever again
etc

Cross posted! ISNT, what you said, exactly. I might cry all night. I still don't know the answers to those questions except I am pretty sure our new head teacher knows about the 'file.'

How can we find out this stuff?

Do we need to invite a SW on here to answer these questions for us?

Bloody hell.

Paranormum I am so sorry.

You are right about the disclosures and things. It's never gone, is it. And you don't know who knows, and what they think about you. I feel that I cannot interact normally with the people at the nursery any more, and i actively avoid going to the GP. I know it is there on the screen, and I am ashamed.

Are you being treated for your depression? Or are you avoiding seeing the doctor.

x-posted again!

Maybe we need to get together a definitive list of questions, yes. But might the answer differ depending on which local authority it is? Another question i don't know the answer to.

Please don't cry.

I mean, unless you really need to. That was supposed to be helpful, not an order!

I think this is a handholding thread as well.

I'm really sorry I have to get to bed now.

Keep well tonight paranormum, and everyone else

What an absolutely awful situation Paranormum. I am furious on your behalf, you'd think the mother of a newborn would be treated with just a little bit of sensitivity and understanding. Shocking beyond words.

As for the practicalities, seems we are all experienced web-users yet we haven't been able to find definite answers to our questions, why is that? If there is a system it should be just that, not this endless subjectivity.

I am no longer being treated. I'm OK now, most of the time.

It came to a head this year when I applied for a new post requiring fresh CRBs etc. I was very depressed again, not sleeping, worrying, angry at DH. The disclosure was fine but the SW check was problematic. I had to disclose everything before applying (ever enlarging circle of people who know! brilliant!). Then it went before a panel. They approved me and it was somewhat healing. I think people are compassionate about PND.

The big fear now is DC's new school. DC is being assessed for SEN and having problems managing his behaviour. I got the feeling the other day that head teacher knows about 'the file.' I am worried the behavioural stuff will, because this history is known, be interpreted as a sign of abuse! Will it trigger their own 'just in case' policy? Has it? Are they already keeping a 'record of concerns?'

I'm afraid to ask!

IRL, you would never guess this had happened to me. I am so 'middle class mum,' I am a cultural cliche.

Keep cross posting! Thank you everyone.

The only positive thing I can take from this, is that I now know how scummy and humiliated it can make you feel to have professionals meddling into your family life. Part of my job requires me to engage with families (and ironically, if a safeguarding issue were flagged, I'd be duty-bound to report it) - so I think I am more qualified to do my job now.

To clarify - honestly, I would be happy to tell head teacher all about 'the file.' The trouble is, if they simply know there is a file, but don't know the contents of it due to data protection, their assumptions are likely worse than the truth!

The behavioural stuff is scary isn't it? So easy for someone who was looking out for "signs of abuse" to make that leap.

It's a bit like those "warning signs your teenager is using drugs" that are in the main, perfectly natural signs of your teenager being er, an adolescent. Totally useless without appropriate context.

As far as I can tell it's the "middle class mums" who tend to be easy targets for this sort of thing. Non-violent, compliant, used to dealing reasonably with people... and then completely thrown by it all.

I went to University with dd's teacher, she was fantastic, calming and reassuring. But it's so shameful. I'm also afraid to ask about CRB.

I am so glad that you had a certain amount of healing from the panel outcome but what a way to get it...

Must get to bed now but it was lovely to "meet" you this evening. Hope you get some rest tonight

Thanks

I hope we can get some answers for our ever-growing list of questions.

Not knowing is so hard.

Milady Why did the hospital put in a referral to SS if you don't mind me asking?

Paranormum So it was the police who referred you? Because you rang them when you thought your husband was going to kidnap your baby and when they got there you were understandly angry with your husband and giving him evil looks.

ISNT What is your story?

My own mother has referred me to SS before and she threatens me with it all the time to get her own way

Welcome Para. Good to see you Milady.
Ob or Obs ast they call me on my PN thread is fine for me.
Sorry to hear your stories.
Nappyaddict, have you got over your referal? Has it had/ still have the effects that ISNT listed. or have you got over it ? because if you have, we would welcome your advice as to how we could.