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Original poster

Bugsy

239 replies

sykes · 11/03/2003 10:41

For some reason I can't reply on the board on this thread (affair - is he/isn't he) and would rather converse via e-mail anyway. I'd be really happy to "talk" in this way as it's not unfamiliar territory. Please feel free to get my e-mail address from tech.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 30/04/2003 09:37

Bugsy- lots and lots of love to you. It sounds like you are still having a terrible time and I'm so sorry about that. You don't deserve all this crap.

Tigger2 · 30/04/2003 10:19

A big Tigger bounce from me, take care

Philippat · 30/04/2003 10:31

good luck Bugsy - you have tried the hardest you possibly could (and I'm sure you're still trying in your heart) so don't feel bad.

Have you thought what you'll do if the detective finds out he DIDN'T spend the night with her? I'm worried you might be focusing so much on how that will end it that you haven't worked out what you'll do it if doesn't happen.

sis · 30/04/2003 11:17

Bugsy, I'll be thinking of you tonight. cyber hugs.

Lil · 30/04/2003 13:35

Bugsy you have done just everything to could to save your marriage. Your husband has done sod-all.

Your children are lucky to have you, so strong fighting their corner.

It makes me realise there are times when we all wish that we weren't just 'virtual' friends and could come over with a bottle of wine and a box of tissues.

keep strong {{hugs{}}}

sobernow · 30/04/2003 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jimjams · 30/04/2003 15:58

Big hugs bugsy. Don't worry about the detective- I suspect most of their work involves following husbands/wives. Glad you got him to face up to something.

Gini · 30/04/2003 16:21

Just read this thread, and wanted to say goodluck!

On another note though as a child my dad did a very similar thing to my mum, from a kids perspective it was horrid, I never knew whether he was coming or going. Eventually he stayed and they worked things out but 15 years later, he may not be having affairs anymore but he still treats her like s**t, undermining her and generally not letting her have an opinion...
She often says she wished she'd bitten the bullet when she had the chance and gone it alone.

I have hired a PD before for work (I work in HR) - they are v good and i'm sure it will work out fine. For you I hope he doesn't have anything to report but suspect your gut feeling will be right....

Wills · 30/04/2003 21:34

Just wanted to say goodluck. Been really thinking about you loads wishing you well.

mammya · 30/04/2003 21:59

Bugsy, have been following this thread and am in awe. Wishing you good luck {hugs{}}

Bugsy · 01/05/2003 09:53

Thank you all so very much. Well the private dicks followed him all evening and they both went back to the same hotel, went straight in and straight up.
I have spoken to him this morning and he tells me that he slept in his room and she in hers. He says he will show me the room receipt, that I can 'phone her to check etc. That if he had been up to no good he would have stayed with her on Sunday night and Monday night.
I know that you will all be saying "Wake up and smell the coffee" but what if he is telling the truth?

kaz33 · 01/05/2003 09:57

Bugsy - just to get things clear, he has left the family home and staying in a Travelogue hotel. His story is that "she" also had a room at the same hotel and they slept in seperate rooms after having the evening /day together ??

Why were they together ?
Why would she be staying in a hotel ?

If I've got the facts right, that is not plausible.

WideWebWitch · 01/05/2003 10:00

Sorry bugsy but I doubt he is. His track record on truth isn't good is it?

Philippat · 01/05/2003 10:03

Bugsy, does it make any difference to what you want as an outcome? If you want to be with him enough, then you have to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. If, however, you feel you are never going to trust him again, that's a good enough reason for finishing it, regardless of what actually happened.

You're probably never going to know what actually happened, but the fact that he didn't make much of an effort to stay away from this woman at a social occassion is just as bad as whether or not they actually slept together, in my view. Infidelity is about more than just sex.

bells2 · 01/05/2003 10:04

I would certainly want to know why he was staying at the same hotel as she was. Were other colleagues staying there also?. So sorry that isn't resolved one way or the other.

Jimjams · 01/05/2003 10:08

What will the room receipt show? Nothing. No-one chekcs what bed they've slept in. I would be very careful about trusting him. Anyway if he really wanted to show you that he was on the straight and narrow he would have kept her a mile away. I assume they arrived at the hotel together? Why would you do that if you blamed this woman for breaking up your marriage. You would want to make sure she was nowhere near you.

Bugsy I wouldn't even give him the chance to explain. Go an see a solicitor so you know where you stand.

mum2toby · 01/05/2003 10:11

Bugsy - I'll echo what everyone else is saying. Does it matter if he's telling the truth. He has made his choice. He has left his family. Why did he return WITH her then???

I think if you REALLY want to believe then you'll believe anything. Don't be a mug Bugsy, yo've given him MORE than enough chances to prove himself and he's let you down at every turn.

Tell him to pi$$ off out of your life. He's not going to stay away from this woman.... you MUST see that????

Furball · 01/05/2003 10:13

Sorry to say this, but even if he is telling the truth - could you trust him in the future? Because otherwise you'll be asking these questions everytime he goes away. HE needs to understand that the trust has gone from your relationship and carrying on as before (I know it is work related) is not re-assuring enough for you. Unless he understands this, there can't be an end to the situation unless he is giving his marching orders.

He can't put you through this all the time, it will eat the rest of your relationship away.

Where abouts are you? There must be another 'snetter nearby who can meet with you and help you through. Come on guys!

Bugsy · 01/05/2003 10:22

Not that it really matters, but someone asked for clarification:
On Sunday and Monday night he stayed in a Travelodge. On Tuesday, he went up to Manchester for business and stayed up there (doing a project handover), they both flew back down to London together on Wednesday and as she had stuff to drop off at her hotel, he decided that he would book in there too "as it was easier".

mum2toby · 01/05/2003 10:25

Convenient perhaps....!!

for the sake of saving his marriage he couldn't even put in that little effort!!!

Sorry Bugsy but he's a SHIT through and through!!

bells2 · 01/05/2003 10:25

Bugsy I don't like the sound of that. Had you previously explicitly asked him to keep his distance from this woman?

ScummyMummy · 01/05/2003 10:26

I don't think you need to wake up and smell the coffee, Bugsy, and I have no idea if he is telling the truth on this occasion. But I wonder if you need to look at whether you really want to trust your husband again after what he has done to you, and, if so, how you are going to get to the stage where you can do this... To me, getting a dick to follow someone implies total breakdown of trust and I can well understand from your posts how that has happened.
It's all so raw and recent and you have been amazingly and admirably willing to work on building the relationship up again. There are no easy answers here but I guess you'll need to get clear in your mind whether there's even a possibility that you could learn to trust him again one day. Because if not- and that would be EXTREMELY understandable- it may be worth thinking about what your long-term relationship would be like without trust and whether it is worth hanging on at all cost.
Anyway Bugs, all my love. I'm so hoping that things will get better for you soon. xx

Bugsy · 01/05/2003 10:37

Bells, I can't count the number of times, I have explained to him that I realise that he has to interact with her on a professional basis but that he must not see her socially.

mum2toby · 01/05/2003 10:47

Bugsy - I'm alsmost terrified of the answer to this question, but here goes...

What are you going to do now? Will you keep the PD following him? That might be a good idea if it's even MORE conclusive evidence you are looking for.

In the past few days has he visited his children or spoken to them on the phone?

oxocube · 01/05/2003 10:52

Bugsy, I'm really sorry that everything is still such a muddle. I must be honest and say that my opinion is that if he was seriously committed to you and the marriage/family, then he would be doing everything possible to minimalise contact with this woman. Even if they did not have sex in the hotel, I do feel he has betrayed you again: like someone else said, infidelity is not just about sex but about trust and respect. Sorry to say this but I honestly think you have given as much as you can here and should see a solicitor as soon as possible. Love and hugs, oxo xxx

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