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Original poster

Bugsy

239 replies

sykes · 11/03/2003 10:41

For some reason I can't reply on the board on this thread (affair - is he/isn't he) and would rather converse via e-mail anyway. I'd be really happy to "talk" in this way as it's not unfamiliar territory. Please feel free to get my e-mail address from tech.

OP posts:
jasper · 22/04/2003 22:18

Bugsy, you said

"he's lonely, stressed out, can't cope with the children, feels trapped, feels resentful, wants to run away..... wants to go out when it suits him..... "

Tell him there is a fantastic online support network of likeminded individuals who feel EXACTLY like this at times and he will be made most wellcome.

He can find it at www.mumsnet.com.

sobernow · 22/04/2003 22:24

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Tortington · 22/04/2003 22:52

and bugsy if you didnt have children what would be YOUR wish list?

without the constant, constant ever present, constant, emotional, financial, physical, life changing things which ARE CHILDREN what woudl you have done in your life??????.

i wish i had done lots of things - i turn those wishes into wishes for my children - i wish they go to uni get pissed up and be sick over the back seat of a cab with a strange fella or woman and have a lot of youthfull memories to look back on which i didnt

do you see what i am geting at?

sit down with him and tell him its not a bed of roses for you either and to shut the feck up whinging - tell him he has to take next friday off cos your going to leave the house at exactly 10 am to go to a destination unknown. you expect him to look after HIS children and get a feckin grip - cos you are pissed off too

( then pop round yer mums.. shit ..come round my house ..anything )

this is definatley a projection from a current husband hater..sorry!

beetroot · 23/04/2003 10:33

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mum2toby · 23/04/2003 10:37

Oh Custardo - nicely put and straight to the point as usual!!

Bugsy - he really does need to get a grip and it's time YOU told him what YOU think! Difficult, but seriously necessary.

Skara · 23/04/2003 11:14

Bugsy, huge hugs and lots of empathy from someone who is going through the same thing at the moment. Haven't time to detail it (children trying to eat/destroy house!) but are all men like this? It seems like it to me...

winnie1 · 23/04/2003 11:28

Bugsy, I've been through a similar thing in recent months and the only advice I have is let him get on with it. He is being utterly selfish, tell him to be utterly selfish somewhere else. You have done all that you can to keep your family unit together. Now it is up to him. If he leaves and returns (and you still want him back) then perhaps it was meant to be. If he leaves and wants to return and you've decided you don't want him to return... tough on him. And if he leaves and doesn't return you've lost very little because you certainly don't need the hurt and pain and general emotional turmoil he is putting you and your children through. The space will help both of you and you will regain some control over your life. Believe me when I say 'I know it isn't easy' but practically because you do it without him so much because he is away so much , you know that you will survive practically. Emotionally it is tough, very tough, for you and the children but you've reached stalemate and his being there saying what he is saying to you is simply cruel. Thinking of you, best wishes, Winniex

Bugsy · 29/04/2003 16:14

Well, he went on Sunday. He said he was going on Saturday, then seemed to bottle it on Sunday afternoon but I was so fed up that I suggested he go anyway.
He is currently staying in a Travelodge and he thinks he will be coming back. However, what he doesn't know is that I've hired a private detective to follow him tomorrow night (his departmental leaving do) because I think he intends to spend the night with HER.
I'm pretending to be very strong but it feels like death by a thousand cuts. Sorry I know that sounds over dramatic but this whole sorry process just seems so protracted and drawn out. Can't believe I'm hiring a private dick, seems so far fetched.

Tinker · 29/04/2003 16:17

Ah Bugsy, really sorry to read this. Don't know if you'll feel better for knowing or not but I can understand the need to know. Really feel for you. Take care.

Furball · 29/04/2003 16:21

I haven't said anything before as it all sounded so personal, and it is.

But, if a Private Detective is what is takes to find out the truth then so be it. At least you will know one way or the other.

Good luck, Keep posting.

ps. These a thread 'Missing winners to Legoland competition' - read it,

Lindy · 29/04/2003 16:28

So sorry that it has all come to this Bugsy, I know you have tried so hard over the last few weeks & months to keep your family together.

As Furball says, at least you will know one way or the other now - and that will really make the decision for you.

Don't forget, you can still have counselling at Relate on your own, you may find it helpful.

Tons of sympathy, and best wishes.

oxocube · 29/04/2003 16:29

Dearest Bugsy, I don't think you are being dramatic at all. You have been lied to, cheated and made to feel as if all the bad things your H did were basically your fault. I really feel for you and can't believe how strong you have been through the last few months. I hope your fears are not realised and that your H doesn't spend the night with this other woman, but at least you would know for certain. Have you decided what you will do if he spends the night with her? Will your marriage definitely be over?

Huge hugs to you and your children and I and loads of other Mumsnetters will be thinking of you. xxx

tigermoth · 29/04/2003 16:53

bugsy, sorry to hear your news, but I think you are doing the right thing. And when you go back home tonight, it will be home to no cold words or suspected lies from your dh. Do what you like, say what you like, no more trying to second guess him.

As for hiring the private detective, that's exactly what I would do. I think you are totally right to do this and do it so quickly. Hope he soon comes up with an answer one way or another.

If your dh is having an affair I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, but I don't think it's important to know the answer to that right now. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

bells2 · 29/04/2003 17:12

Good luck Bugsy. At this point, I too would really want to know the truth and if a private detective is what it takes, then so be it.

mum2toby · 29/04/2003 17:15

Bugsy - I know it doesn't help, but I really think you've done the right thing for your own sanity and for yours and your childrens long term happiness.

Good luck.

winnie1 · 29/04/2003 17:32

Bugsy, your posting made me cry... it's all a little too close to home for me, but whilst I am sure you don't feel strong you are taking some control even knowing that your worst fears maybe realised. That is very, very, brave... I am thinking of you and your children. Good luck & best wishes, Winniex

Batters · 29/04/2003 17:52

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WideWebWitch · 29/04/2003 17:56

Me too to everything that's already been said bugsy. Sorry to hear this.

breeze · 29/04/2003 18:02

Bugsy, I am sorry for you pain, but feel from what you have told us is that you ARE doing the right thing, if he proves to be spending the night with her, then the sooner you can move on the better. You deserve to be with someone better.

Take care

Marina · 29/04/2003 19:24

Bugsy, I agree with all the good things that have been said to you here - your home is now your own after all you've put up with. As others have said, in your position I think a private detective is a pragmatic response to the way you've been betrayed.
Thinking of you and the children, but feel, in the end, there is only one BIG LOSER here.

bayleaf · 29/04/2003 20:05

Bon courage..
( I think the French have the best phrase for the situation)
As everyone has said you have dealt with this so well and so maturely. If the realtionship ever had a chance then it will survive due to your handling of this awful situation - adn if it didn't, well at least you will know that you tried as hard as you could.
I hope the news is good from the detective but if not then as you say the time for knowing the worst has probably arrived.
{{{{{{{{{hugs{}}}}}}}}}}}}
Bayleaf

beetroot · 29/04/2003 20:10

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Rhubarb · 29/04/2003 21:25

So sorry Bugsy. But as others have said, at least you will know the truth and can start paving the way for a new life. Don't look on it as the end, but a new beginning. Ok, so life hasn't quite worked out the way you wanted it to, but there is a whole new future spread out before you and who knows where you will be in 5 years time? Set yourself goals to help yourself get through this period, try to do things you've always wanted to do, get a new hair-style and new clothes to go with the 'new you'.
I wish you loads of strength and lots of luck for the future ahead. xx

jasper · 29/04/2003 22:11

Bugsy, you are something else!

Best of luck.

bossykate · 30/04/2003 06:35

good for you, bugsy, hang in there.

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