Bugsy

[sykes]

For some reason I can't reply on the board on this thread (affair - is he/isn't he) and would rather converse via e-mail anyway. I'd be really happy to "talk" in this way as it's not unfamiliar territory. Please feel free to get my e-mail address from tech.

Thanks Sykes, will do.

Bugsy, please do - there are an awful lot of parallels and, while I may not be of much use whatsoever I can, at least, empathise and "share my experience" - oh, God, can you tell I've been to counselling? This time last year I'd have fallen off my chair laughing at the thought of going to a counsellor (NOT that there's anything wrong with counselling - just didn't think it was me)let alone the prospect of "sharing an experience".

I've asked tech to let me have your e-mail - not forthcoming so far.

I'll post it to them again.

Hi Bugsy/Sykes,

I've sent Sykes's email address to Bugsy.

Regards,
Tech

Thanks tech, received those messages you forwarded.

Bugsy, I can't add on to the affair string. But just wondered how you are post last night and the counselling - also if you have planned something good for the weekend?
Take care.

Thanks for your concern Sykes. Counselling was really grim. I was well prepared and didn't cry this time but I couldn't stop shaking. I had this awful uncontrollable shaking that I've only ever had before after major physical trauma.
I actually found it really depressing. We picked away at a whole load of stuff. The counsellor was very helpful and proded my dh into taking the process slightly more seriously than he had been.
However, we left again without having coming any closer to resolving our situation.
I am feeling very down about everything. I do not feel we are closer to a resolution, we just seem to be getting used to living as we are. I do not trust dh and feel so suspicious of everything he does. Other than happy moments with my two children, my life feels very joyless and depressing. I do not feel in control of my situation.

So sorry to hear that Bugsy. Is it maybe time to try to move on from him? I don't know coz I've never been where you are, but it does seem that you can't continue in a relationship where there is no trust on your part(and rightly so!!) and so much disrespect from your dh.

I'm sure you can find the strength to make the next step. Good luck.

Bugsy, really sorry to hear you sounding so down. I just hope you are getting the support you need from your friends and family. I know it's hard but try and focus on the many positive aspects of your life to keep your spirits up.

Bugsy, I think what your H did counts as a major physical trauma...sorry it was grim last night.

Bugsy, if you want to e-mail me, please do. It sounds such a terrible situation and you're so very unhappy - can you not try and get away with the children for a while - stay with someone you can really rely on?

Sorry to hear how unhappy you hear Bugsy - but I really do thnk it is too early for things to be getting much 'better' - lots of hard things often have to come out and sessions be quite painful before they start to help in a more obviously positive way. It's good that the counsellor seems to be doing her job well - I hope you can find the strength to keep smiling at your children.

So sorry to hear how down you are at the moment - also understand where you are coming from. I think unfotunately that you are only just at the beginning of the road for this and hard as it may be,believe that it will take a lot of time to get through this.What I mean is that results won't come quickly after 1 or2 sessions.The councellor sounds like she is doing her part though if she is getting your husband to take this more seriously.Take care.LOL

bugsy, hope you get through this stage soon. You sound so down. I hope you have some supportive real people out there to lean on. Would it help having some sort of alternative therapy/treat to boost yourself up? Sorry you husband's attitude is causing so much pain and hope he changes his approach asap. At least he's actually going to the sessions, I suppose. Not a lot but that's something.

So sorry to hear how down you are feeling, Bugsy. Agree with others here that maybe it will take a few more sessions with the counsellor for you to feel you are getting somewhere. I found the first couple of sessions of very limited help, because I was still working on building up trust in the counsellor and in the therapeutic process.
Also agree that some pampering "you" time might help. Is your line manager aware of the situation you are in? It's hard to admit difficulties in the work environment sometimes, I know, but I have got myself signed off for a few days once or twice lately and just treated myself to some little outings. If you're in the right frame of mind they can be balm to the soul. And work were very supportive.

Bugsy, As others have said, I think it usually takes a few sessions of counselling before any real understanding and therefore benefit is gained. I hope your dh's behaviour does not change you as you seem like a lovely, strong person. I really hope that you whatever you decide to do after some counselling is the decision that you have consciously made and not something that you have drifted into and may later regret.

All the best,
sis

Bugsy sorry to hear how crappy it all still is. I was taken by your last line of not feeling in control- I think feeling in control is so important ot wellbeing, and without it life is 100 times harder.

It may be that you need to give counselling a few more sessions to work on your dh- and to get him to accept responsibility. Without this acceptance by him, and with him working away you won't be feeling in control. Does he have a friend/family members that he can stay with for a couple of weeks? Maybe you could ask him to stay with them for a couple of wekks whilst you decide what you want to do. By not allowing him into the family home for a couple of weeks you would have some control over the situation- and you would be sending him a message that he can't just do exactly what he wants and expect you and the children to carry on as normal. Of course it could be hard on the kids but you could just say he's visiting a frined or something. I know he goes away - but again that's under his control and it isn't sending him a message.

Does anyone else know by the way? His familiy? yours? friends?. Whilst I can understand wanting to keep difficulties private if no-one else knows he really has got away with it. He may need some external pressure to actually realise that what he did was wrong.

For what its worth I think that jimjams is spot on with what she suggests about taking back at least some control of this situation.I also agree that telling a few close people what is going on might be useful.Not from the point of view of them pressurising him to straighten himself out, but because the truth is that whilst no-one knows what is going on,he can deny the magnitude of what he has done in his own mind.And he will just keep on as he is and maybe imagine that eventually everything will be back to normal.

Bugsy, sorry to hear the counselling was grim. Know what you mean about the shaking thing, it hits me in the same way too. I agree with Jimjams, you should (if you haven't already) get it out in the open. I didn't at the time my dh had an affair because I felt ashamed and wanted to deal with it my own way but now quite a few people know and somehow it has made me feel stronger and more in control. Also sorting out the finances and arranging to have the house valued/seeing a solicitor for a free initial consultation made me feel I was in control of the situation. (This is recent by the way - my dh threatened to leave again this weekend and we're still talking it through.)

Thank you all. I can't explain why I feel so much more down now. People have started noticing that I am "flat", which I just pass off as tiredness. I have only told 3 girlfriends, so as not to jeopardise our chances of reconciliation. I am a relatively private person anyway and hate the thought of people judging us and watching our progress or lack of it.
As time goes by, I am surprised by how much I am hurt by my dh's betrayal. I had always thought he was far to bad a liar to ever carry off anything as deceiptful as an affair.
As I look to the future I am finding it so difficult to imagine being intimate with him again. Everytime I look at him, I see him involved in the acts of explicit texts I read. I couldn't bear for him to see me naked because I am nervous of comparison. She is a fit, childfree American hardbody and although I never had any qualms about my body before, thinking I had weathered 2 children, breastfeeding etc fairly well, I am now acutely conscious that I am far from being a hardbody.
We seem unable to talk about 'us' without the presence of the counsellor. I am almost too afraid to talk because I am so frightened by what I hear. I think he does still love me and our children but I am not sure he likes us that much all the time. I also remain deeply unconvinced that he will be able to amend his behaviour enough. The words "I'm 35 and I'm not going to change now" as said in our last counselling session keep ringing in my ears.

Oh Bugsy, I know just what you mean about the comparison thing. My dh's affair was with a girl in her early twenties and I was pregnant at the time. I honestly thought I would never be able to undress in front of him again. The visions of what they'd done crucified me for a long time - sometimes I'd look at him and feel physically sick. However time and counselling did help and I'd say I am 90% over it and I have rebuilt my trust in him. Our current/ongoing problems have nothing to do with infidelity - but on the other hand his infidelity had a lot to do with our problems, if you see what I mean.

Bugsy, I'm really sorry that you are going through this. You sound such a lovely, lovely person. I hope that after some more sessions, things may start becoming clearer as to the way forward for you all. Hope that writing on here is helping. Take care of yourself and your kids.