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Tell me a joke that genuinely made you laugh

218 replies

WheresThatCatGoneNow · 15/05/2026 00:35

Tell a joke that made you laugh.

I heard a good one recently.

A little toddler runs up to her Grandma, and says

"Grandma, pick me up."

Grandma says

"Oh, I'm sorry, darling, I can't pick you up any more, I'm getting an old lady now."

Granddaughter says

"What do want an old lady for? You've got meeee!"

Made me laff anyway!

OP posts:
fyooshia · 28/05/2026 19:46

Bit rude, so skip if you may be offended. I used this a lot when I was working behind the bar in a rough pub, and listened to loads of sexist crap every day...

What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a barmaid?

A gynaecologist only has to look at one c#@t at a time

AWeeCupOfTeaAndAnIndividualFruitTrifle · 28/05/2026 20:23

Threeslothsontheshirt · 17/05/2026 14:03

A huge hole has appeared in the middle of Oxford Street. Police are looking into it.

What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.

I heard a variation where it was 'a hole has mysteriously appeared in the tall fence around the nudist camp' !

And also...
There was a break-in at the local police station last night and the burglars stole all of the staff toilets. The lead detective for the case reported that they currently had nothing to go on.

climbintheback · 28/05/2026 20:28

Knock knock -
whose there
biggish
biggish who
get a job!

AWeeCupOfTeaAndAnIndividualFruitTrifle · 29/05/2026 00:08

Two women are talking about holidays.

1st woman: "We really love cruises, and we go on at least 4 every year - but then, my husband does work for Cunard!"

2nd woman: "So does mine, you nasty cow - it's not his fault that they only pay him minimum wage at Asda!"

OneLimeDuck · 29/05/2026 13:16

Alice is married to Bob who is very strait laced.

They attended a wedding that required an overnight stay.

During the evening reception Bob announces that it has been a tiring day and retired to their room.

With Bob gone Alice becomes more sociable, as a few drinks and is soon happily talking to a group of women, the conversation turns to matters of sex and enjoying her freedom Alice enthusiastically joins in with tales and anecdotes. Eventually she very carefully goes back to her room making sure not to disturb Bob.

In the morning Bob asks her what she got up to, Alice says she just got chatting, when Bob asks her what they chatted about she thinks and tells him sailing.

At breakfast the women Alice had been talking with came up to Bob as he was at the hot buffet and said what fun Alice was and how they had enjoyed her anecdotes.

Looking puzzled Bob replied, I don't know what anecdotes she coukd have, she has only done it twice, the first time she got sick and the second time her hat blew off.

AWeeCupOfTeaAndAnIndividualFruitTrifle · 29/05/2026 13:57

An alien couple beam themselves down to Earth and get chatting about their contrasting experiences of life with an Earthling couple that they meet: Linda and Keith. Soon enough, the conversation turns to sex, and they decide that it would be an immensely useful one-time interplanetary scientific experiment for them to swap spouses for the night and gain lots of valuable data from the liaisons that could be used for future transformational research.

Linda and the alien man go off to a private room together and get undressed. She's absolutely crestfallen to see that his willy is really, really tiny; but he tells her not to worry - this is just 'efficient everyday mode'. He puts his hand on his ears, twists them sharply, and to her delight, his willy quickly grows to the size and girth of a rounders bat.

They have a very wild time - at it the entire night in all kinds of positions and scenarios, with both of them screeching nonstop with delight. When the morning comes, they're both still buzzing with excitement and can hardly believe what happened.

They bid each other farewell and return to their respective spouses. Linda says to Keith, "Wow, that was an incredible experience. He taught me so many amazing things, and I taught him so much too. What a fantastic night of pure pleasure! I will never, ever forget that as long as I live - without doubt one of the very best experiences of my entire life! Go on, Keith, tell me what it was like for you with Mrs Alien - I'll bet you're still throbbing with unforgettable immense ecstasy, aren't you?!"

Keith just stares at her as though she must be utterly mad and says "What on earth are you talking about, Linda? How could you possibly have enjoyed that? Alien sex is without doubt the most boring, weird, unsexy non-experience ever, and I was so glad when it was finally over. She just spent the entire night frowning at me and constantly trying to pull my ears off!"

MelanzaneParmigiana · 29/05/2026 14:36

AWeeCupOfTeaAndAnIndividualFruitTrifle · 29/05/2026 13:57

An alien couple beam themselves down to Earth and get chatting about their contrasting experiences of life with an Earthling couple that they meet: Linda and Keith. Soon enough, the conversation turns to sex, and they decide that it would be an immensely useful one-time interplanetary scientific experiment for them to swap spouses for the night and gain lots of valuable data from the liaisons that could be used for future transformational research.

Linda and the alien man go off to a private room together and get undressed. She's absolutely crestfallen to see that his willy is really, really tiny; but he tells her not to worry - this is just 'efficient everyday mode'. He puts his hand on his ears, twists them sharply, and to her delight, his willy quickly grows to the size and girth of a rounders bat.

They have a very wild time - at it the entire night in all kinds of positions and scenarios, with both of them screeching nonstop with delight. When the morning comes, they're both still buzzing with excitement and can hardly believe what happened.

They bid each other farewell and return to their respective spouses. Linda says to Keith, "Wow, that was an incredible experience. He taught me so many amazing things, and I taught him so much too. What a fantastic night of pure pleasure! I will never, ever forget that as long as I live - without doubt one of the very best experiences of my entire life! Go on, Keith, tell me what it was like for you with Mrs Alien - I'll bet you're still throbbing with unforgettable immense ecstasy, aren't you?!"

Keith just stares at her as though she must be utterly mad and says "What on earth are you talking about, Linda? How could you possibly have enjoyed that? Alien sex is without doubt the most boring, weird, unsexy non-experience ever, and I was so glad when it was finally over. She just spent the entire night frowning at me and constantly trying to pull my ears off!"

Edited

😂😂😂

Unforgettablefire · 29/05/2026 19:05

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman “got any bread?”
“No” replies the barman.
Duck asks the same question again, “NO!” replies the barman.
Duck asks again and the barman loses his rag and says “If you ask me that again I’ll nail that beak to the bar!”
”Got any nails?” “NO!” Says the barman.
“Got any bread?”

MelanzaneParmigiana · 29/05/2026 22:01

Unforgettablefire · 29/05/2026 19:05

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman “got any bread?”
“No” replies the barman.
Duck asks the same question again, “NO!” replies the barman.
Duck asks again and the barman loses his rag and says “If you ask me that again I’ll nail that beak to the bar!”
”Got any nails?” “NO!” Says the barman.
“Got any bread?”

We need the laugh emoji back!!!

AWeeCupOfTeaAndAnIndividualFruitTrifle · 30/05/2026 13:32

There was a tragic accident where a microlight plane lost power and plummeted to the ground, crashing in the main cemetery in Washington DC.

Trump sent in his own personally-trained disaster squad to assess the wreckage and forensically comb the area, and they've already reported recovering 4,593 bodies.

NormasArse · 30/05/2026 16:55

AWeeCupOfTeaAndAnIndividualFruitTrifle · 29/05/2026 00:08

Two women are talking about holidays.

1st woman: "We really love cruises, and we go on at least 4 every year - but then, my husband does work for Cunard!"

2nd woman: "So does mine, you nasty cow - it's not his fault that they only pay him minimum wage at Asda!"

Took me a moment!!

AWeeCupOfTeaAndAnIndividualFruitTrifle · 30/05/2026 21:29

I've just written my autobiography - but I thought it would be much more interesting to use flypaper instead of the boring standard stuff. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I'd just finished reading another 1,000-page book which had an extra-thick dust jacket that had been filled with helium. I just couldn't put it down.

deeahgwitch · 31/05/2026 08:45

Nope! Not getting it @AWeeCupOfTeaAndAnIndividualFruitTrifle
BlushBlushBlush

grumpygrape · 31/05/2026 09:09

AWeeCupOfTeaAndAnIndividualFruitTrifle · 30/05/2026 21:29

I've just written my autobiography - but I thought it would be much more interesting to use flypaper instead of the boring standard stuff. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I'd just finished reading another 1,000-page book which had an extra-thick dust jacket that had been filled with helium. I just couldn't put it down.

You have been listening to Tony Blackburn on Radio 2. I claim my £5 😂

P00hsticks · 31/05/2026 10:05

deeahgwitch · 31/05/2026 08:45

Nope! Not getting it @AWeeCupOfTeaAndAnIndividualFruitTrifle
BlushBlushBlush

Her husband works 'forCun 'ard (F**king hard)

deeahgwitch · 31/05/2026 10:08

P00hsticks · 31/05/2026 10:05

Her husband works 'forCun 'ard (F**king hard)

Ah thank you.
It doesn’t work in my accent 😀

SnowFrogJelly · 31/05/2026 10:16

OneLimeDuck · 29/05/2026 13:16

Alice is married to Bob who is very strait laced.

They attended a wedding that required an overnight stay.

During the evening reception Bob announces that it has been a tiring day and retired to their room.

With Bob gone Alice becomes more sociable, as a few drinks and is soon happily talking to a group of women, the conversation turns to matters of sex and enjoying her freedom Alice enthusiastically joins in with tales and anecdotes. Eventually she very carefully goes back to her room making sure not to disturb Bob.

In the morning Bob asks her what she got up to, Alice says she just got chatting, when Bob asks her what they chatted about she thinks and tells him sailing.

At breakfast the women Alice had been talking with came up to Bob as he was at the hot buffet and said what fun Alice was and how they had enjoyed her anecdotes.

Looking puzzled Bob replied, I don't know what anecdotes she coukd have, she has only done it twice, the first time she got sick and the second time her hat blew off.

😂

pompomtiddly · 31/05/2026 10:35

My mum was in the chemist when a lady asked where she could find the Anusol. My mum said that she thought to herself that it was probably on the bottom shelf 😁

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