Tell me a joke that genuinely made you laugh

[WheresThatCatGoneNow]

Tell a joke that made you laugh.

I heard a good one recently.

A little toddler runs up to her Grandma, and says

"Grandma, pick me up."

Grandma says

"Oh, I'm sorry, darling, I can't pick you up any more, I'm getting an old lady now."

Granddaughter says

"What do want an old lady for? You've got meeee!"

Made me laff anyway!

Four friends and I helped an old lady to cross the road last week. It took five of us as she really didn't want to cross, and she put up quite a fight!

friends talking on phone…

‘Where are you now Barry?’
’just pulling out of Paddington mate.’
’bet that made him drop his marmalade sandwich!’

it was in a birthday card I saw in a shop yesterday. Actually made me snort!

Two people in a bath together...

"Where's the soap?"
"Yes it does, doesn't it?"

Johny Rotten and Frank Ifield have recorded a duet. It's called "I remember you ya bastard" One for the oldies.

My parents' names are Pearl and Dean. Obviously, I don't use their first names - I just call them Mama and Papapapaaaaaaaaaapapapapapapapapapapapapaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

When I was young, my parents took me to a child psychologist. The little lad was useless.

In Australia, the most commonly-used computer software package is Macrohard Onfire.

I remember that special Christmas when my DB's main present was an empty box - our parents proudly told him that it was an Action Man Deserter.

I always wanted to be an accountant from a very young age, so I was given a box of receipts that year - they told me not to worry if I didn't like it, as they'd kept all the presents.

I went into the butcher's shop and they had a sign saying "Special for this week: a brace of whole venison - £400".
No way, I thought - that's too dear!

Researchers have proven from studies that the four most effective ways of communicating information rapidly to a large audience are:

1. Television
2. Telegraph
3. Telephone
4. Tell Mavis at No 62

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

”hallou-mi”

This is long but always makes me laugh:

Kevin loved tractors. Was obsessed, everything he owned, covered in tractors. One day though, he decides he'd like to start afresh, meet a partner. So he throws away all of his tractor memorabilia, gets rid of it all. He joins a dating site, and a few weeks later he's on a date with a beautiful woman in a fancy cocktail bar. They're chatting, and suddenly the room fills with smoke. Kevin opens his mouth, and sucks in all the smoke, runs outside, breathes it out and returns to his date. "How ever did you manage that?" She asks
"Oh it's quite simple," he says. "I'm an ex-tractor fan "

What's the collective noun for a group of useless electricians?

A shower of sparks.

A termite and a frazzled piece of twine walk into a bar. The termite then calls out to the bartender, “We’ll take a pitcher of beer and 2 glasses my good sir.” The bartender filled the pitcher to the top with ice-cold Golden Brew and set it on the bar placing one glass in front of the termite and announcing in a firm voice, “Your partner is not welcome here”, gesturing In the direction of the tangled up piece of string. Then directing his words at the frazzled and scraggly strand of twisted hemp. “You know why! Don't you?” he said accusingly at the termites friend.
The termite in an equally firm tone replied. “Hey, wait a minute buddy! Just exactly what are you talking about?” standing up in defense of his stringy friend.
The bartender continued, “He’s a goddamn rope!”
The termite turned to his friend and asked him, “Is it true, are you a rope?”
To which his scraggly little friend replied with firm conviction, “Nope I'm a frayed knot.” 😁

Did you hear about king Arthur’s fat knight - Sir Cumference. He got that way from eating all the pie!

Or the one who sailed around the world - Sir Cumnavigation? With the one who was cowardly and cautious (Sir Cumspect).

I'll get me coat...

The second joke is really effective in a Birmingham accent, as bison is how basin is pronounced anyway.

Like some of the classic Black Country jokes too - (granted mostly better when told orally):

What does singer Dido's name mean in standard English?
Diane, stop it!

A tramp is sitting at the side of a canal holding a fishing rod. A mocking passer-by asks what he thinks he's possibly going to catch, and he says "Actually, I caught a whale yesterday".
The passer-by says "Wow, that's incredible! I'm so sorry for laughing at you. What kind of whale was it?"
The tramp replies "I'm not sure, but I think it was from a BMX - and it had all the spokes still on it too!"

An elephant from Dudley Zoo is transferred to Whipsnade. All the other animals gather around excitedly to meet the new arrival and ask her for more info.
She says "Well, I've come here to die..."
Immediately, they're all heartbroken and wonder what they can do to make her last days happy for her.
She continues "Anyway, yes, I've come here to die whilst they build me a fancy new enclosure - then I should be able to go back home in a few weeks."

My aunt has poorly for so long now that we call her ‘I can’t believe she’s not better’

Another joke that only works in a Brummie accent:

Noddy Holder is in his dressing room, getting ready to go onstage. The wardrobe assistant says "kipper tie?" Noddy replies "bosting, two sugars."

Did you here about the Irish man didn’t know his anus from his penis - didn’t know if he was coming or going

What's the difference between a Clairol footspa and a terrible drummer?
One of them bucks up your feet.........

A man sees an advert for jobs at the zoo - "no experience necessary - just turn up on Tuesday and ask for the manager" - so he goes along and finds out more. The manager tells him that their monkey breeding plan hasn't been as successful as hoped, so they need a few people to dress up in monkey suits, make monkey noises and swing around on tree branches. The man thinks it sounds easy, so he gets the job and does it for the next three weeks.

Being a human, he doesn't have the same natural tree-swinging skills as an actual monkey, but he persists and improves a lot, to the extent that he's a real hit with the visitors, who stand and watch him for ages.

One bank holiday, the space outside the monkey enclosure is absolutely packed, with hundreds of people watching the monkeys intently - and this 'monkey' and his skills in particular. He decides to give them a great show and goes for a huge swing on a high up branch and swings around it three times... until he loses his grip and goes flying over into the lion enclosure right next door.

A huge, fierce lion with a glorious mane and a look of pure strength, power and determination in his eyes spots him and heads towards him, running faster and faster. The poor man is absolutely petrified and is rapidly soiling his monkey suit. He howls louder and louder, with all the onlookers watching on rapt to see nature in all of its brutal reality. He can no longer keep up the loud monkey-like howls, so he starts screaming out "Help me! Help me! I'm not a monkey, I'm just a man in a costume! Save me, somebody, please!!"

All of a sudden, the lion darts forward and is inches away from him. As he sobs, trembles and gulps, preparing to face his final destiny, the lion says in a loud whisper "Shut up, you absolute muppet; just shut up, SHUT UP!!! Do you want to get us both fired?!?!"

My DGM's favourite joke was kind of innocent and cheesy, but it still makes me giggle...

A young girl happily celebrates her birthday and is thrilled to get so many lovely presents. She can't wait to use the two that are her favourite of all: a hooter for her bicycle and some perfume. She excitedly shouts out to everybody as she rides by - "If you hear a little parp and you smell a little smell, you'll know that it's me!!"

The Suggs one has really made me laugh 😂

Courtesy of my 10 year old.

How does the headteacher get their exercise equipment into Hogwarts?

Through the dumbell door.

😂😂😂

That is a very, very fine joke.

👏👏