Tell me a joke that genuinely made you laugh

[WheresThatCatGoneNow]

Tell a joke that made you laugh.

I heard a good one recently.

A little toddler runs up to her Grandma, and says

"Grandma, pick me up."

Grandma says

"Oh, I'm sorry, darling, I can't pick you up any more, I'm getting an old lady now."

Granddaughter says

"What do want an old lady for? You've got meeee!"

Made me laff anyway!

The Bob Mortimer one on last one laughing is the last one I properly laughed at…

I was at the cemetery when I saw a man get up from behind a grave.
‘Morning,’ I said.
‘No just having a shit,’ he replied…

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says 'why the long face?'

A woman walked into a bar, the barman asked her what she wanted and she said double entendre.

so he gave her one

How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck.

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those who understand binary maths and those who don't.

I threw a ball for my dog last night.

He looked lovely in his gown.

This is better spoken than read!

What do you call a spider with 8 eyes?

A Sp-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-der 🫣

I am northern Irish but I don’t get it lol

Some of these are great and some I just don’t get

That sounds like a Bob Monkhouse or Tim Vine one!

My friend bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.

Should have seen her face when I drove past-her/pasta

Why can't you find painkillers in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat them all!

Did you hear what happened to the dyslexic devil-worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

😁

That was what I was going to say. That joke will never not make me laugh.

Long one, sorry, but it's my favourite:

In the days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I served with the Bengal Lancers in the siege of Cawnpore as First Secretary to Colonel Smythe - Carruthers Brigade Commander. I have researched the history of . . .”

At that point, the colonel interrupted. "Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to fuck off."

I recently adopted a dog from the local locksmith. I took him home and he made a bolt for the door.

Two hunters are lost in the woods.

They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it.

He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!".

He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him.

The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"

Not a joke but this always makes me laugh:

Not last night but the night before
Three little tom cats came knocking at my door
One played the bagpipes, one played the drum
And one had a pancake stuck to his bum

This is a long one... if you're easily offended, scroll on! 🤣
Two older women talking.
Betty says "The older you get, does your fanny get bigger?"
Marjorie - "I don't know, have you had a look?"
Betty - "How am I going to see up there?"
Marjorie "Stand over a mirror".
So the Betty goes home, the house is empty. She grabs the mirror from over the mantlepiece, drops her drawers, straddles it and is having a good look. Her husband comes home, passes the door, glances over, then runs in and throws Betty over the sofa.
Betty gets up, rubbing her arm and says "What the fuck did you do that for, you could have broken my fucking arm?"
Husband says "I was saving you, if you'd fallen down that hole, you'd have broken your fucking neck"!!!

"Darling, I missed you!"
(and she fired again)

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Becauae he (k)needed a poo.

I went into a pet shop to buy a goldfish. The bloke asked me if I wanted an aquarium. I said I don’t care what star sign it is.

My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton!

How do you make Lady Gaga annoyed?

Poke her face!

A horse walks into a bar with a set of jump leads.
The barman says, I don't mind the long face but don't go starting anything