Sexless marriage

[Marky1979]

Hi there

I’m a mid 40s bloke with a wife, same age, 17 years marriage and 2 teenagers.

I live in a sexless marriage - it’s been about 4 times a year for as long as I can remember.

I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to get divorced. I love my wife. I’m the loyal type.

The problem I have is excruciating frustration. Other than waiting a few decades, is there any way of dialing down that part of the brain?

It’s Incredibly hard to live like this. My wife says she understands but clearly doesn’t.

Who else has experienced this?

Do you take care of yourself? Eat healthily? Exercise? Has your appearance changed drastically?

If you don’t ask your wife directly why she doesn’t fancy you anymore, all that those of us on the internet can do is throw out guesses about why she doesn’t fancy you.

I’m in good shape, exercise, eat properly, look younger than my years.

Maybe I’m just too cranky.

I suspect the main reason is the passage of time.

It’s a sad state of affairs if having sex is an arduous task as opposed to perhaps being a bit dull.

Our sex life is entirely my wife’s remit.
when it does happen the focus is usually on her and possibly me at the end, if I’m lucky.

She says she likes it when it happens just can’t be bothered all that much.

You probably didn't just wake up cranky as you put it one day and you probably don’t mean to be. One thing that is known to cheer people up is actually getting some. It’s hard to bounce around and be the life and soul of the party when this is hanging over you and it doesn’t help improve things being cranky. Loads of husbands would be much happier and better if they were feeling loved and fulfilled.

The more you say about the situation, the more it’s becoming clear that she just doesn’t fancy you (sorry). That’s much harder to change and I would go far as saying it’s probably impossible. When I stopped fancying ex-DP, I don’t think there could have been anything that could have made me fancy him. Like PP, I also thought it was a ‘me’ problem. So much so that I went to my GP and then to two specialists (gynaecologists). I was physically examined, had blood work done, my hormones checked and one of the consultants referred me to a sex therapist as she concluded from my (perfectly healthy) results that the issue had to be psychological. Anyway, cutting to the chase, when I got into a new relationship my sex drive came back and now I really really enjoy sex. When you fancy someone, you make the effort.

Sadly I suspect you’re right. I’ll keep trying and see where we are in the near future.

Glad things worked out for you.

And lots of wives don’t consider this to be important.

It’s impressive the lengths you went to in order to find where your sex drive had gone. For me personally (although I’m sure I’m not alone) DW just doesn’t seem to see it as a factor or a part of our lives anymore. She is very negative towards sex. Being as frank and honest as you are and have been is refreshing.

The reason I went to great lengths to investigate my lack of sex drive was because the relationship was perfect in every other way. It’s impossible to exaggerate how ‘good on paper’ we were. Same age, similar career, same financial position, same education, similar background, same life stage. The only thing missing was sexual chemistry. I thought if I can just fix this one problem then this is it, he’s my Future Husband and Baby Daddy. Looking back I can see how spectacularly naive I was. Anyway, it all worked out for the best. I wouldn’t be where I am now (and with DP 🥰) if we didn’t call it a day on the lacklustre, sex-deficient relationship.

Great effort by you and congratulations. Unfortunately I think I am similar to the OP in that a gradual decline has taken place and there is too much to loose in terms of kids, house, etc if we were to take drastic action. I do think if my wife would think about it she might realise we aren’t “normal” but I think she is happier not knowing.