Page 6 | Sexless marriage

AmyDuPlantier · 14/10/2025 21:26

Oh look…MN is glitching again 🙄

Missj25 · 14/10/2025 21:31

LondonLady15 · 14/10/2025 21:19

I’m 50 now..and was single a good few years between ending my marriage and meeting my lovely partner. So I’ve done the dating thing and know how frustrating it is trying to meet someone nice!
I met my fella once I’d decided to give up on dating so there is hope. Good luck x

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Awe thankyou ☺️..
I’m 50 in November, had given up on dating & then met him ..
Anyway , what’s for me won’t pass me as they say . X

ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe · 14/10/2025 21:31

Marky1979 · 14/10/2025 21:15

Thanks for putting that side of things to clearly.

i get some of that from my wife. I also generally don’t approach her most of the time because it’s so likely to be a waste of time and upsetting for her. Then throw in the physical effects of menopause.

It’s also the general lack if intimacy - I love a cuddle that’s difficult.

plus the fact that the way that things work takes my feelings into account not one bit

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I’m sorry it sounds like you are feeling so isolated in this and miserable. I wouldn’t suggest a weekend away (as that puts too much pressure on the bedroom) but I would try to open up the conversation again in a supportive way. She needs to know you are on her team, 100%, and she will most likely open up to you. No pressure at all, no physical contact just support on how she’s feeling in your relationship and during the menopause

JeminaTheGiantBear · 14/10/2025 21:50

Honestly I think you’ve either got to open your relationship (not the same as an affair) or leave. Or you’ll waste decades in misery & loneliness.

The thought that one of my own sons might ever find himself in this position just horrifies me. You were not brought into the world to endure life in silent misery, chained to a woman who no longer finds you attractive. It is obscene!

And I must ask- whatever sort of example are you setting to your children? Would you want their adult lives to be ones of miserable endurance, too? If not, why are you modelling that? (Children do pick up on these things - frustration is very hard to conceal.)

Maybe out there at the moment there is a woman who is lonely & needs love- to whom you could bring joy. Your wife though does not need you for anything other than money and childcare. That is not a marriage and you deserve better.

DB792 · 14/10/2025 22:16

winemonster · 12/10/2025 17:51

Towards the end my partner bought a flesh light as he wanted that satisfaction but I couldn’t give it to him but he didn’t want to cheat 😞 Ultimately we split up and I’m so much happier with someone I’m sexually attracted to. He is in a relationship too 👍🏻

Did you identify that you didn’t desire your ex? If you did, were you honest about it. My wife has told me on a number of times “she’s doesn’t ever want to rip my clothes off” when talking about sex. But also adds she’s just doesn’t feel like that to anyone. I’m not sure

Gymbunny2025 · 14/10/2025 22:20

DB792 · 14/10/2025 22:16

Did you identify that you didn’t desire your ex? If you did, were you honest about it. My wife has told me on a number of times “she’s doesn’t ever want to rip my clothes off” when talking about sex. But also adds she’s just doesn’t feel like that to anyone. I’m not sure

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Does it matter? Either way she doesn’t want to rip YOUR clothes off…

Avie29 · 14/10/2025 22:21

Marky1979 · 14/10/2025 21:15

Thanks for putting that side of things to clearly.

i get some of that from my wife. I also generally don’t approach her most of the time because it’s so likely to be a waste of time and upsetting for her. Then throw in the physical effects of menopause.

It’s also the general lack if intimacy - I love a cuddle that’s difficult.

plus the fact that the way that things work takes my feelings into account not one bit

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In this situation i would say to her, sex is off the table- but i want cuddles, kisses, snuggles in bed etc and you don’t need to feel any pressure to have sex- and work on building the intimacy back up, it will be difficult to put sex out of your head especially if you are cuddling in bed but hopefully if the general other intimacy is built it might lead to her feeling more aroused over time.
i feel like sex for guys is mostly a physical thing, and can generally feel aroused at the drop of a hat (not saying all guys) but for most women there has to be a build up, cheeky pinch on the bum, kiss on the neck etc i know you feel like at the moment she might not appreciate that sort of contact but if you can do it without the pressure of sex and make it fun i think it would help her sex drive.
i think maybe you not approaching her or her getting upset about you approaching her is all down to you both feeling this pressure around sex so take it of the table and just enjoy being intimate together in other ways and hopefully things blossom from there.

AmyDuPlantier · 14/10/2025 22:23

Sorry but no to the last post - this is a marriage with no sex or even friendly physical intimacy. It is dead! Have been there. I think once you reach a certain point it’s unrecoverable, and the wife shows no signs of wanting to recover it at all anyway. It takes two.

3luckystars · 14/10/2025 22:34

You have nothing to lose by going to counselling and bringing up getting your needs met elsewhere. She might surprise you.

I think I’d rather separate but I understand it’s not easy at all to do this, especially with children. She doesn’t get to decide something so important without even a discussion. I would be bringing up getting it elsewhere.

Fizzy89 · 14/10/2025 22:38

Hi there,

I have multiple friends (women) who rarely have sex, we're just in our 40s, we chat about it all the time (cos me and my DH still go for it so I always ask for explanations cos I dn't get it!) so I'll break down the things that get them reinterested:

I've got a friend who goes a bit gaga for hotel stays, loves them, he always gets some when they stay in one. Smart fella that he is has started booking them near monthly.
A lot of my friends have an issue with anything intimate (cuddling, any kissing etc) coming with the expectancy of sex. Like they don't want to sit and snuggle in bed and have a quick kiss cos it always leads to the expectancy of sex and they dont want that, so then theres less intimacy.
DONT buy the lingerie. It's not a turn on that men seem to think it is and again, the expectancy
one couple got a massage table and started learning massage techniques...you can imagine where that went
one couple scheduled a monthly date night where the plan was to have sex. The scheduling actually helped this friend.

I don't think I've seen this posted but didn't read each one, but are you 'enjoying yourself' to try and help ease that? There are toys etc you can get to help yourself along. If the Mrs isn't interested, she shouldn't really object to you relieving yourself in this way.

I hope you sort it out cos its so sad when this happens to couples. I'm not saying she should do it when she doesn't want to, but I have a friend who always says she doesn't fancyit at the start but as they get into it she does and shes learnt to give it a bash rather than saying no straight away.

BlueToneTess · 14/10/2025 22:38

You don’t want to cheat then don’t.

It is hard to love and live in a sexless marriage. Also hard to be faithful in one. Sometimes you just have to be that person.

Are you sure your wife feels secure in the relationship?

AmyDuPlantier · 14/10/2025 22:40

BlueToneTess · 14/10/2025 22:38

You don’t want to cheat then don’t.

It is hard to love and live in a sexless marriage. Also hard to be faithful in one. Sometimes you just have to be that person.

Are you sure your wife feels secure in the relationship?

This is bullshit. You don’t ‘have’ to be a lonely miserable person. You have choices.

fishtank12345 · 14/10/2025 22:43

Marky1979 · 11/10/2025 19:13

Hi there

I’m a mid 40s bloke with a wife, same age, 17 years marriage and 2 teenagers.

I live in a sexless marriage - it’s been about 4 times a year for as long as I can remember.

I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to get divorced. I love my wife. I’m the loyal type.

The problem I have is excruciating frustration. Other than waiting a few decades, is there any way of dialing down that part of the brain?

It’s Incredibly hard to live like this. My wife says she understands but clearly doesn’t.

Who else has experienced this?

We are 40s and sexless, my dh cant keep an erection to have sex but can get a hand job by me and that seems to satisfy especially if we use lube so its not dry and unpleasant will she consider that to help relieve you? It brings some intimacy.

minipie · 14/10/2025 22:48

Sounds like you were pretty young when you got together?

Is it possible that she’s never really enjoyed sex that much? And therefore, just isn’t that motivated to get back to it?

BlueToneTess · 14/10/2025 22:53

Trying to get to the bigger problem, if there is one, which might help. Thought my POV might be a help.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 14/10/2025 22:59

I think there's something deeper going on OP. Like many women I've had phases of being totally uninterested in sex (in the thick of breastfeeding, sleepless nights etc) but I worked hard to get my libido back because I adore my husband and I know a sexless life would be miserable for him. The fact that your wife is NOT willing to explore any solutions at all suggests that she is harbouring some resentment towards you which means she's not motivated to solve this as a joint problem. She may not even be conscious of angry feelings towards you but they are definitely there. Would she go to couples therapy to explore this? I know some posters have said it didn't help them but it has to be worth a try

Hotflushesandchilblains · 14/10/2025 23:16

I certainly have a different attitude after menopause but even as a younger woman, being pestered for sex was a sure fire way to make my fanny clamp shut. And I have certainly been in a situation of not wanting to show any affection because it is then used as a way to try to initiate sex.

Would your wife be willing to speak to a therapist? A sex therapist or relationship counsellor?

You have said a few things which you could explore further either by yourself or through therapy.

It’s not just the sex itself but the intimacy and feeling wanted.

it’s a major strain on esteem

In my experience, a lot of men use sex as a way of managing all feelings of closeness, intimacy, self esteem, etc.Could you be like this? Is it possible your wife has been turned off because she does not feel valued or cherished unless you are having sex with her? .Are there other problems and resentments?

You mention separate bedrooms - I once slept separately from a partner because it felt like he was always pawing at me. Could that be a factor?

You might be exemplary. It may simply be that her libido has changed. But before you decide anything, you need to be talking. No marriage can survive lack of communication. What does your wife say about this situation? How do you work out disagreements and differences in general? If you have not been able to discuss this, there are problems in your marriage over and above sex.

Fizzy89 · 15/10/2025 10:40

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 14/10/2025 22:59

I think there's something deeper going on OP. Like many women I've had phases of being totally uninterested in sex (in the thick of breastfeeding, sleepless nights etc) but I worked hard to get my libido back because I adore my husband and I know a sexless life would be miserable for him. The fact that your wife is NOT willing to explore any solutions at all suggests that she is harbouring some resentment towards you which means she's not motivated to solve this as a joint problem. She may not even be conscious of angry feelings towards you but they are definitely there. Would she go to couples therapy to explore this? I know some posters have said it didn't help them but it has to be worth a try

some people just have a low libido, it doesn't mean there's an underlying feeling of anger or similar. The majority of my female friends just really aren't interested in having sex that often. It's very common in this age group!

My question would be, when you do have sex, does his wife really enjoy herself? Many men aren't very good at 'getting the job done' for women,I've had many friends say its too hard work for them (eg. they have to go on top for the majority) or they have to be 'sorted first' which means the actual act of intercourse they don't enjoy as much cos they are already finished.

beAsensible1 · 15/10/2025 10:56

Vintageraven · 11/10/2025 22:39

I'm shocked at the people who think sex 4 times a year is good! For the person with the higher sex drive, 4 times a year can be completely and utterly soul destroying. Before I met my husband, I was confident but over time my self confidence has been chipped away.

I’d argue not even a higher sex drive just a normal one.

sex 4 times a year is a marker of an extremely low sex drive

Original poster

Marky1979 · 15/10/2025 21:19

bumbaloo · 12/10/2025 18:06

If there are people out there who genuinely think a sex toy is a replacement for sexual intimacy in a relationship then it’s no wonder there are such differing view points on here.

I guess if people do think a sex toy solves the problem then they would not understand why it’s such a big deal to life in a sexless relationship

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pretty sure most people are capable of masterbation!

OP posts:

PeonyPatch · 15/10/2025 21:25

SparklyCardigan · 11/10/2025 22:22

Sex once a quarter sounds absolutely ideal to me!
But in all seriousness, you're not in a sexless marriage if you're having regular, albeit infrequent, sex. Give your head a wobble.

That’s rather harsh. Sex once a quarter is barely anything at all. Besides - it doesn’t matter what you and I think, the point is the OP is unhappy with the infrequency and not getting his needs in that area met!

Original poster

Marky1979 · 15/10/2025 21:29

Hotflushesandchilblains · 14/10/2025 23:16

I certainly have a different attitude after menopause but even as a younger woman, being pestered for sex was a sure fire way to make my fanny clamp shut. And I have certainly been in a situation of not wanting to show any affection because it is then used as a way to try to initiate sex.

Would your wife be willing to speak to a therapist? A sex therapist or relationship counsellor?

You have said a few things which you could explore further either by yourself or through therapy.

It’s not just the sex itself but the intimacy and feeling wanted.

it’s a major strain on esteem

In my experience, a lot of men use sex as a way of managing all feelings of closeness, intimacy, self esteem, etc.Could you be like this? Is it possible your wife has been turned off because she does not feel valued or cherished unless you are having sex with her? .Are there other problems and resentments?

You mention separate bedrooms - I once slept separately from a partner because it felt like he was always pawing at me. Could that be a factor?

You might be exemplary. It may simply be that her libido has changed. But before you decide anything, you need to be talking. No marriage can survive lack of communication. What does your wife say about this situation? How do you work out disagreements and differences in general? If you have not been able to discuss this, there are problems in your marriage over and above sex.

You make some very insightful points.

i try to avoid pestering as much as i can while maintaining interest. I get very little back but still find my wife desirable so won’t give up yet.

How did your attitude change after menopause?

I take the point about men seeing sex as a solution to all kinds of things. There’s an element of that it’s true. Knowing that your partner doesn’t fancy you is pretty draining.

Separate bedrooms was about improving my wife’s sleep so when she woke up she could use TV/music to help her sleep. She’d rather have the space than me sharing the bed is how it’s played out.

We do talk about and resolve things generally.

OP posts:

Original poster

Marky1979 · 15/10/2025 21:34

Fizzy89 · 15/10/2025 10:40

some people just have a low libido, it doesn't mean there's an underlying feeling of anger or similar. The majority of my female friends just really aren't interested in having sex that often. It's very common in this age group!

My question would be, when you do have sex, does his wife really enjoy herself? Many men aren't very good at 'getting the job done' for women,I've had many friends say its too hard work for them (eg. they have to go on top for the majority) or they have to be 'sorted first' which means the actual act of intercourse they don't enjoy as much cos they are already finished.

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I’m kind of jealous of those who don’t want sex very often. It’s certainly make life easier.

More widely, makes me wonder whether that explains the grumpy old man stereotype. Most of them are incredibly frustrated!

Seeing to her first is something that happens more often than not. If that doesn’t work, it’s the end. For me the intercourse is the highlight. But by no means be all and end all. The whole range I love. Unfortunately

OP posts:

Hotflushesandchilblains · 15/10/2025 21:48

Marky1979 · 15/10/2025 21:29

You make some very insightful points.

i try to avoid pestering as much as i can while maintaining interest. I get very little back but still find my wife desirable so won’t give up yet.

How did your attitude change after menopause?

I take the point about men seeing sex as a solution to all kinds of things. There’s an element of that it’s true. Knowing that your partner doesn’t fancy you is pretty draining.

Separate bedrooms was about improving my wife’s sleep so when she woke up she could use TV/music to help her sleep. She’d rather have the space than me sharing the bed is how it’s played out.

We do talk about and resolve things generally.

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Well, it good that you have a sound basis of communication, that helps a lot. You didnt say what your wife says about this situation.

My attitude change? I cant be bothered any more? I used to be much more sexual but these days prefer a good book. I guess hormone changes have made a difference - I used to love sex but these days feel like it would not matter if I never had sex again. Still like affection though.

I hear people who say they still fancy their partner, but it never lasted for me. Lots of good things replace it though - deep connection, feeling accepted and seen, overwhelming feelings of love. But fancying in the same way? I dont know if that lasts.

i try to avoid pestering as much as i can while maintaining interest. I get very little back but still find my wife desirable so won’t give up yet.

I am not sure what this means - I wonder if your wife would see what you are doing in the same way you do? I think you really need to be discussing this with a therapist who can help you both explore what is going on and see if you can come to a resolution.

Missj25 · 15/10/2025 21:49

I can’t believe some of the posts here & that’s honest to God ..
Ones from , “ go to the Doc’s to be put on medication to kill libido “ to “ go for cold showers , get a sex toy “ , sex 4 times a year is perfect , give your head a wobble !!!!!! ..

It feels nice to touch & be touched , to do this regularly..
It feels nice to embrace afterwards, it brings feelings of contentment & happiness..
Lack of this between couples brings feelings of loneliness, discontentment & disconnection…..