Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

Sexless marriage

210 replies

Marky1979 · 11/10/2025 19:13

Hi there

I’m a mid 40s bloke with a wife, same age, 17 years marriage and 2 teenagers.

I live in a sexless marriage - it’s been about 4 times a year for as long as I can remember.

I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to get divorced. I love my wife. I’m the loyal type.

The problem I have is excruciating frustration. Other than waiting a few decades, is there any way of dialing down that part of the brain?

It’s Incredibly hard to live like this. My wife says she understands but clearly doesn’t.

Who else has experienced this?

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 13/10/2025 18:00

winemonster · 12/10/2025 17:47

I’ve been there. The brutal truth is no matter how you dress it up is if you don’t fancy your partner then sex you’ll never give in a truly forthcoming way. You can absolutely love and adore your spouse, have the best relationship in every way (apart from physically) but sexual attraction and desire is needed to WANT sex.

Agree with this.

When my sex drive died in my last relationship it was because I didn’t fancy exDP. It took a long time (and therapy) to accept that. He was a good partner in many ways and I loved and cared for him, but I just wasn’t sexually attracted to him. Of course I thought the usual things like my hormones are out of whack or I’m “too stressed” for intimacy, but none of those were the primary reason. That’s why everything returned to normal when I got into a relationship with a man I fancy!

Agree with others, you either put up with it or you seek to open the marriage. Good luck.

Missj25 · 13/10/2025 18:24

RetailTherapyMightHelp · 11/10/2025 21:58

If you are serious about reducing your libido then maybe your doctor could help. AD would do the trick

What the Actual fuck an I reading here !!!!
Advising Op to get something to reduce his libido !! Shocking advice to say to least …

RetailTherapyMightHelp · 13/10/2025 18:27

Missj25 · 13/10/2025 18:24

What the Actual fuck an I reading here !!!!
Advising Op to get something to reduce his libido !! Shocking advice to say to least …

Show quote history

Did you actually read the OP as he was asking for suggestions to reduce his frustration :-

The problem I have is excruciating frustration. Other than waiting a few decades, is there any way of dialing down that part of the brain?

Joeydoesntsharefood25 · 13/10/2025 18:31

Has she looked into HRT? Testosterone can be prescribed for low libido.

Missj25 · 13/10/2025 18:43

RetailTherapyMightHelp · 13/10/2025 18:27

Did you actually read the OP as he was asking for suggestions to reduce his frustration :-

The problem I have is excruciating frustration. Other than waiting a few decades, is there any way of dialing down that part of the brain?

Show quote history

Of course I’ve read it !!
And yes WTAF are you advising him , he shouldn’t have to be dialling down that part of his brain , it’s completely normal ..
You should be telling him this ,I’d be more suggesting his wife goes to the doctor or putting forward an open marriage or divorce !!!!
Marriage shouldn’t be like this ..
You need it all for it to work , good companionship & passion …
Not where one goes to the doctor to get something to kill their desire ffs ..
How utterly depressing…

RetailTherapyMightHelp · 13/10/2025 18:49

Missj25 · 13/10/2025 18:43

Of course I’ve read it !!
And yes WTAF are you advising him , he shouldn’t have to be dialling down that part of his brain , it’s completely normal ..
You should be telling him this ,I’d be more suggesting his wife goes to the doctor or putting forward an open marriage or divorce !!!!
Marriage shouldn’t be like this ..
You need it all for it to work , good companionship & passion …
Not where one goes to the doctor to get something to kill their desire ffs ..
How utterly depressing…

Show quote history

Calm down.

LondonLady15 · 13/10/2025 19:20

Is there any affection / intimacy between you outside the bedroom? Are you tactile with each other? No one is too tired for that especially if they fancy/are into their partner. If not your marriage is unlikely to survive as one of you will get attention from elsewhere at some point.

Missj25 · 13/10/2025 19:27

RetailTherapyMightHelp · 13/10/2025 18:49

Calm down.

Show quote history

I am calm. ..
I’m just saying 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’ m giving your head a wobble 😂 😂

Original poster
Marky1979 · 13/10/2025 20:52

sexlesshusbandwoes · 13/10/2025 10:06

Without. And I couldn’t care less. I warned him what would happen if things didn’t change

Sorry to hear it’s come to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marky1979 · 13/10/2025 20:55

Betteboop · 13/10/2025 14:26

But my wife does have a stressful job which is partly where I have failed. We both have to work full time.

Do you feel your wife resents you for this? There’s no law that men should out earn their wives! But does she have sufficient support to ever feel relaxed? Libido & motivation for any intimacy is incredibly difficult to recover if you’re in survival mode constantly. Not to mention it nosediving in menopause.
Did you used to have a good intimate relationship - not just number of times of sex per month - but communicate well through touch, hugs, thoughtful gestures etc. If she feels that any physically touch is a form of sexual pressure she’ll close down most likely from these as well.
Is it for her it’s off the table completely with no desire to try & address it at all?

Totally agree no law men should earn more but the fact that we’re almost equal in that respect sets us apart from many women who cut their hours when they have kids and thus more free time when the kids are teenagers.

other touch has fallen away over the years. I’m now sleeping mostly in the spare room. This started to help her sleep uninterrupted but sadly became the norm. reasonable that her sleep comes before my need for a cuddle but I really miss it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marky1979 · 13/10/2025 20:56

Crushed23 · 13/10/2025 18:00

Agree with this.

When my sex drive died in my last relationship it was because I didn’t fancy exDP. It took a long time (and therapy) to accept that. He was a good partner in many ways and I loved and cared for him, but I just wasn’t sexually attracted to him. Of course I thought the usual things like my hormones are out of whack or I’m “too stressed” for intimacy, but none of those were the primary reason. That’s why everything returned to normal when I got into a relationship with a man I fancy!

Agree with others, you either put up with it or you seek to open the marriage. Good luck.

Show quote history

Sorry that’s how it went for you but good you’re happier now.

You’re probably right - it’s monk life for me!

OP posts:
DominosForDinner · 13/10/2025 21:02

What would happen if you just stopped sleeping in the spare room? Just move back in. If you wake each other up snoring or wriggling then have a no-strings cuddle and go back to sleep.

Most humans need touch and physical closeness - her stress might improve if she had more contact with you

Original poster
Marky1979 · 13/10/2025 21:49

LondonLady15 · 13/10/2025 19:20

Is there any affection / intimacy between you outside the bedroom? Are you tactile with each other? No one is too tired for that especially if they fancy/are into their partner. If not your marriage is unlikely to survive as one of you will get attention from elsewhere at some point.

The norm is I’m pushed away but we touch sometimes.

OP posts:
RetailTherapyMightHelp · 13/10/2025 22:56

Missj25 · 13/10/2025 19:27

I am calm. ..
I’m just saying 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’ m giving your head a wobble 😂 😂

Show quote history

I’m not even going to try to reason with stupid

Original poster
Marky1979 · 13/10/2025 23:10

DominosForDinner · 13/10/2025 21:02

What would happen if you just stopped sleeping in the spare room? Just move back in. If you wake each other up snoring or wriggling then have a no-strings cuddle and go back to sleep.

Most humans need touch and physical closeness - her stress might improve if she had more contact with you

Not really up to me

OP posts:
Tigercat14 · 13/10/2025 23:12

Is it possible to reintroduce that spark? Try date nights or a night away together? I was in a similar position just over a year ago except it was my partner with the lower sex drive. I'm 40 and hitting perimenopause etc. The more you have it the more you want it imo, on average it's twice a week. Before then it was similar to yourself. I had an honest conversation with DP and since then we have both started making more effort with each other, been together 16 years. If it's a deal breaker maybe try relationship counselling.

Cloudby · 13/10/2025 23:30

AmyDuPlantier · 11/10/2025 22:47

Are you suggesting someone medicate themselves to be able to live in a sexless marriage? That’s so weird!

Show quote history

What about all the age old advice telling women to get themselves medicated in order to 'fix' their libidos?

Cloudby · 13/10/2025 23:33

Missj25 · 13/10/2025 18:24

What the Actual fuck an I reading here !!!!
Advising Op to get something to reduce his libido !! Shocking advice to say to least …

Show quote history

And the amount of times I've seen women advised to come off ad's or take this and take that in order to increase their libido. What's good for the goose...

augustusglupe · 14/10/2025 00:15

Maybe pop over to Dadsnet and see what they think.

Missj25 · 14/10/2025 05:17

RetailTherapyMightHelp · 13/10/2025 22:56

I’m not even going to try to reason with stupid

Show quote history

Says the one who advised OP to go to doc’s to get something to decrease his libido 🙄

garlictwist · 14/10/2025 05:58

There's a lot of assumptions on this thread. Telling him to do more washing up etc - how do you know he doesn't do his share? And isn't that a bit...reductive for the wife to assume she'll want to shag just because he's run the hoover around?

Four times a year is NOT frequent and I do think he has a point to be pissed off and frustrated. But it's a tricky one if the marriage is otherwise good and no one should be forced to have sex. I don't know the answer.

Reallynotsure25 · 14/10/2025 06:02

I sympathise with you OP. Also a lot of posters are missing the point by suggesting sex toys, prostitues etc. Most people can masturbate, but what it lacking is the intimacy, connection, the feeling of being desired that comes from sex in a relationship. Having sex 4 times a year is by definition a sexless marriage. Now if it works for both people in a relationship, that’s ok, but don’t kid yourself that this is normal.

Tryingatleast · 14/10/2025 06:04

If you’re saying stress etc then can you work on fixing these things together? And also work on romance more? Back to the people you were before? Also I’d she just exhausted? The important to me but not to her thing- I think you need to tell her it’s so important to you, that it’s not everything but in the same way women want the romance, hugs, holding hands going out, you need sex too

Tryingatleast · 14/10/2025 06:05

judt to add I can’t believe people are suggesting the other stuff, scary anyone thinks cheating, reducing libido etc is an option

Contrarymary30 · 14/10/2025 06:16

Believe me she will not or can't change. You doing more around the house won't make an iota of difference . For some people the feelings are just not there and sex is a chore to be got over with . If you can't live with it why not ask her if you can get it somewhere else , you may be surprised at her relief! Or maybe a divorce is the only solution but then you may find yourself not even getting it at all .