Sexless marriage

[Marky1979]

Hi there

I’m a mid 40s bloke with a wife, same age, 17 years marriage and 2 teenagers.

I live in a sexless marriage - it’s been about 4 times a year for as long as I can remember.

I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to get divorced. I love my wife. I’m the loyal type.

The problem I have is excruciating frustration. Other than waiting a few decades, is there any way of dialing down that part of the brain?

It’s Incredibly hard to live like this. My wife says she understands but clearly doesn’t.

Who else has experienced this?

A sexless marriage is defined as 10 times or less per year. So the OP is in a sexless marriage.

The resentment is the problem. It grows. It’s bound to. The relationship does not stay the same but just without sex. The whole relationship changes. Things irritate you more about the other person. You go into yourself. There is less of a bond. Ultimately many relationships that do go on are no longer the sort of relationship that makes either party truly happy. Just resigned. And that’s why you see so many grumpy old couples

ThI’m s is not uncommon. Often one person just stops finding the other one sexually attractive. Not because there is anything wrong with them but years and years of grind and reality makes some people lose the ability to see the magic in the other even if they are a great partner

Im the other side of this, my OH has a much higher sex drive than me lately- we have a 22 month old and before she was born it was pretty even, now im still breastfeeding, tired as LO doesn’t sleep well, have 4 older children- 2 are autistic, dealing with day to day housework/admin etc and honestly its the last thing on my mind when we get some time alone but my OH still gets intimacy/sex minimum 2 times a week because WE as a couple need to reconnect otherwise we are just 2 people living together, is it hard to muster up the passion sometimes? Yes, but i know it is needed, your wife is being a bit selfish imo xx

I really want to echo the point about these books and the different types of desire. I have always adored my husband and find him very attractive and I was troubled when my libido dropped dramatically after the birth of DD1. I read a magazine article about spontaneous v responsive desire and it made sense. We have had a further happy 25 years of married sex because I have accepted that spontaneous desire is rare for me.

If my husband were to ask me if I feel like sex, the answer would truthfully be no but if he were to ask me after 5 or 10 minutes of naked cuddling and of no-pressure foreplay, the answer is “absolutely!”. It did literally take me making a practical, unemotional decision that I was always going to give it 10 minutes of effort (which is probably as unromantic as it sounds) but it worked every time. I guess it’s probably a “learned response” now, because I know I am going to want to it takes very little time these days for me to find my mojo.
I had thought our libidos were misaligned but it’s really just that we experience desire differently. And it’s important to let go of the view that sex shouldn’t take any effort. Why shouldn’t it? Married couples are always making an effort for one another in other areas of life but the movies sell us a view of passion and sex which doesn’t take enough account of the passage of time and the fluctuations of a lifetime of hormones.

If there are people out there who genuinely think a sex toy is a replacement for sexual intimacy in a relationship then it’s no wonder there are such differing view points on here.

I guess if people do think a sex toy solves the problem then they would not understand why it’s such a big deal to life in a sexless relationship

You really think that's what I was saying? JFC. I'd have thought the phase "help pull you through" would have been a clue. If not, maybe my other post would have put you straight. It reads:

"The vibe helped take the edge off when my libido was strong and my exH ignored me, but it didn't stop me feeling lonely or was a replacement for touch and affection in any way."

Maybe RTFT before having a go at people's contributions. 🙄🙄🙄

If you both love each other and if sex mismatch is the only problem, why not ask for permission to open the marriage?

You suggest that as if it’s an easy answer. Not everyone wants non-monogamy and it can cause big problems. I’m sure if this is an option they’d have thought of it.

Thank you. Once a quarter ish absolutely is dire.

Blame is a misplaced idea here I think.

I want sex. My wife very rarely does. Other intimacy is infrequent too.

Nobody’s fault as such, just reality.

Doesn’t stop me feeling awful.

It surprises me when people who aren’t interested in sex think those who are should just switch off desire. I would if I could.

True. I don’t want that to continue. But hard to totally avoid.

If someone doesn’t want sex with their partner it’s a rarity they’ll want them at it with someone else!

All very good points.

I don’t think I’ve initiated sex and it’s happened in several years at least.

My wife very rarely feels the urge and when she does that’s the only time it may happen.

Gish no. It’s in mumsnet every week. Women saying they just lost their libido with their husband then later git their mojo back with a new man. Nothing to do with the husband being a slacker. Just too many years, too much daily grind. Too much familiarity.

That’s something different. The point was if my wife doesn’t want me, she’s hardly going to want me disappearing on Fridays to meet someone else

Thanks for the insight.

Your life sounds very hectic indeed.

All of that and twice a week - wow!

She might leap at the chance to meet someone on Saturday night though? If you don’t ask you’ll never know!

Can I join? It’s been going on at least twenty years. We will hit a rocky patch, argue he will swear he does still fancy me and then a few months later we are back to square one. Absolutely pointless waste of time , I’m now looking for fun outside the marriage

I can’t help but observe the irony of the number of replies. That’s what being sexually deprived does to you

Take a look on the sex thread, there’s a very much discussed thread on sexless marriages and coping strategies etc, much of which is genuinely useful and saves repeating it all on another, effectively identical thread, and just for information,a sexless marriage is generally considered as one where sex happens less than 10 times per year, it doesn’t have to be no sex at all

Is that with or without his knowledge?

Without. And I couldn’t care less. I warned him what would happen if things didn’t change

Why is she exhausted & disinterested though ? Is she falling into bed exhausted while you have spent your evening gaming/other? … You get my gist…
Do you ever do date nights? Try & get child free breaks? Do you ever just put your arm round her & say something nice, without her cringing that this means “sex attack” ?
When you have sex is it good for her too ?
the above are why I didnt want sex. Tired, feeling unsupported, & rubbish “care” & one sided sex

But my wife does have a stressful job which is partly where I have failed. We both have to work full time.

Do you feel your wife resents you for this? There’s no law that men should out earn their wives! But does she have sufficient support to ever feel relaxed? Libido & motivation for any intimacy is incredibly difficult to recover if you’re in survival mode constantly. Not to mention it nosediving in menopause.
Did you used to have a good intimate relationship - not just number of times of sex per month - but communicate well through touch, hugs, thoughtful gestures etc. If she feels that any physically touch is a form of sexual pressure she’ll close down most likely from these as well.
Is it for her it’s off the table completely with no desire to try & address it at all?