Sexless marriage

[Marky1979]

Hi there

I’m a mid 40s bloke with a wife, same age, 17 years marriage and 2 teenagers.

I live in a sexless marriage - it’s been about 4 times a year for as long as I can remember.

I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to get divorced. I love my wife. I’m the loyal type.

The problem I have is excruciating frustration. Other than waiting a few decades, is there any way of dialing down that part of the brain?

It’s Incredibly hard to live like this. My wife says she understands but clearly doesn’t.

Who else has experienced this?

Agree. Seems selfish in my particular circumstances to put everyone through that in the probably vain hope of finding affection and intimacy. Everyone has to make their own choices and I understand the situation is different for other people

Exactly. Tread carefully. Strangers on the internet can be good at handing out advice, but you’re the one who has to live with the consequences of your decision not them.

I understand it’s really hard when you’re lives are so intertwined but…your wife doesn’t love you in the right way for you

No decent relationships with a nephew or whatever is going to make up for that.

It took me three whole years to decide to leave, so I understand. For me it was looking at the retirement years and deciding I couldn’t live four/five more decades without affection. Once the kids leave, we’d have had very very little going for us.

As it is, I’m now very excited about my future.

Are you really saying everyone in a sexless marriage should leave? People who’s spouse has had cancer, lost all drive due to menopause, age 80 etc etc.

i personally think it’s not that black and white especially in an otherwise good marriage and with kids too.

Can you explain why you won’t discuss opening up your marriage OP? You said she doesn’t fancy you, but she may well fancy others, and in that way you could both get your needs met. Win win??

Could you discuss opening up the marriage? I understand what you’re saying about a lot to lose and disrupt. Or (I’ll no doubt get slated for this) a discrete affair?

You need to go for couples counselling or even better psychosexual couples counselling. If the two of you don't address this the marriage is basically over. You need to be a tad more assertive, not about demanding more sex, but about addressing the problem.

If she doesn’t fancy him any more I’m not sure demanding more sex will help!!

Btw you don't have to 'fancy' someone to have sex. It is about love and intimacy too. If you love each other there should be a way to reconnect sexually. You should definitely seek some counselling.

There’s no way I could have sex with someone I didn’t fancy anymore!!

I didn't suggest demanding more sex - i specifically said he needed to be more assertive about addressing it. How they choose to address it could be any number of ways including polyamory, don't ask don't tell, FWB, etc or they could find ways around the barriers. Perhaps she doesn't fancy him because she is harbouring resentments. Or is having an affair herself. Or is a lesbian.

Are you really saying that’s what you read in my post?

I relayed my own experience. I didn’t give general advice.

Possibly I misunderstood your post? You said what is there to lose? And your wife doesn’t love you the right way for you. I just thought that can be extrapolated to any situation of mismatched sex drive. Because surely at some point it happens in all marriages. And menopause must be one of those points for a lot of couples.

It was a genuine question to the OP though, not me making a rhetorical point.

I was thinking that it’s something you can decide is a good trade off or not. Wife that doesn’t love you versus relationships with her wider family.

I put the latter first for ages, now I know I can’t live without love for the rest of my life.

But if anyone decides differently, good luck to them; it’s a situation that won’t be reversed so if you can live without affection and sex and happily sleep alone forever, then fine, but you need to consciously make that decision.

And this is the heart of the problem in a lot of relationships.When I studied sex therapy we were always told that lots of women want to feel close to have sex - and lots of men want to have sex to feel close. What is really sad is that a lot of men would have a lot more sex if they could find other ways to show their partner how much they love and cherish them.

I don’t think she is having an affair or is a lesbian. She has just decided that she rarely wants to have any kind of sexual or even physical contact with me. I will try again to explain what I want but am not optimistic about the outcome

The FWB and all the other options you describe are not going to be part of that conversation at all really. It’d kill what we have left. Plus there aren’t really many women out there looking for a frustrated bloke in his late 40s for a bit on the side anyway!

From previous discussions, simply not an option.

You think once every few months is ok? Seriously?
And yes I do my fair share of the daily grind.

OP , you’re not happy, & I know it’s hard to leave , but what ??, stay forever in an unhappy relationship & live the rest of your life like that ..
You are just mid forties , you don’t want to turn around at 60 & have lots of regret ..
I saw where another man was in your shoes & he’s 56 now, & left & happier for it ..
If people are unhappy for a long time in a relationship regardless of the reasons why , not happy is not happy .. You can put forward all the reasons in the world why you should stay but at the end of the day you’re going to bed at night unhappy OP x

You’d be surprised @Marky1979
There are websites dedicated to finding affair partners. Sexless marriages are not only a problem for men.
Also, your DW has to realise that things can’t carry on as they are and how unhappy you are. Of course, if she doesn’t want sex that’s up to her - no one should be forced to have sex - but it’s not fair to impose celibacy on you. If you feel a discussion around opening up the marriage would be the end then it does rather sound as if the whole thing is in a flimsy state.

So she wants it all her way - no sex with her but no other options either. How selfish!

When I went off sex with my ex, it was because the sex was always crap. In the beginning NRE kept us going and I loved him and wanted babies etc.. but when that was all done, I was just left with the arduous task of sleeping with him. He did barely anything for me at all. I thought, I could happily live without sex the rest of my life. I didn't realise that it was not fancying him and the shit sex that was the problem. I thought it was me.

I'm in a new relationship now and I have settled at 2/3 times a week which is perfect for me and I love it.

I think your relationship is done and you should move on. Check out the subreddit dead bedrooms for more support/stories.

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