Sexless marriage

[Marky1979]

Hi there

I’m a mid 40s bloke with a wife, same age, 17 years marriage and 2 teenagers.

I live in a sexless marriage - it’s been about 4 times a year for as long as I can remember.

I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to get divorced. I love my wife. I’m the loyal type.

The problem I have is excruciating frustration. Other than waiting a few decades, is there any way of dialing down that part of the brain?

It’s Incredibly hard to live like this. My wife says she understands but clearly doesn’t.

Who else has experienced this?

I’d like to echo a point above, I do feel like my parter loves / likes me more after we’ve done the deed. He’s happier and nicer to me and that makes me feel a bit cheap and makes our relationship seem less genuine if it’s really that easy to go from grumpy to happy depending on just the physical side of things

I wouldn’t be staying married to someone who didn’t want to anyway. I wouldn’t be changing myself or getting medicine or toys.
something is wrong and I don’t think she gets the right to make a decision for both of you like that. That’s my feeling on it.

I mean no sex of any description other than once roughly every quarter or maybe every couple of months. That usually does not entail intercourse for similar reasons to those you give.

Yes - I have lived with this.

I've been married since march 2003 and we have two children 19 and 21. Both now at university.

This has dominated my life for as long as I can remember, living with soul destroying rejection and having to live with someone who doesn't want any physical intimacy. Their choices in life having to become yours.

For years I told myself I could live like that it would be ok, nice house, nice neighbourhood, good friends etc why cause upheaval to all of that.

But your authentic wish to have intimacy in your life is being dictated by someone else and you say it's been like this for as long as you can remember. Was it like that when you first met? When you first married ?

I don't think you should resign yourself to a life of celibacy and you know the answer deep inside . I left our marital home three weeks ago to live on my own and determine how I want to live. I'm 56 x

Could you invite your wife to your spare room for 5 minutes before she goes to bed? Just 5 minutes, for a cuddle only and she leaves to go her own room whenever she likes. Make it clear sex is not happening and it is just for a cuddle.

Your wife sounds like she doesn't like you let alone want to be intimate with you.

She is not taking your concerns or your needs into any consideration.

There's only one answer to this. You leave .

What were you guys like when you first met ?
What was it like after kids ?

More likely the physical contact makes him feel closer to you and affirms that the relationship is more than just a friendship. That’s how I feel after sex with my partner anyway.

Very similar situation here and I hope you can wade through all the negatives and the people saying they have it worse. It is truly awful you have built a life and you don’t want to damage it or loose it but you feel lonely, neglected and unloved.
I have always found the hope is the hardest to bear. Going through the week thinking “maybe this weekend” or “maybe tonight” and then it never comes grinds you down. I wish I could switch it off and stop hoping.
I understand there are reasons for the situation, my DW has her issues and I have mine but it’s still not right. I am going through therapy and working through this among other things. My therapist has advised we seek couples counselling but I don’t think DW would ever go for it.
So you have your options and if like me you are determined to stay then all you can do is change how you approach it and behave and see how she reacts. If you work on yourself and be the best partner you can then ultimately you are doing everything you can. Being able to have a frank and open communication about how you are feeling in the relationship would be good and maybe you can get somewhere. Good luck, at the very least you are not alone.

I think you should do your best to take the load off her - work if you can, if not then household and metal load, make her feel appreciated. Lots of non sexual touch and compliments without pressure . Laugh and spend time. Remember things she’s said to you and ask after her. Listen to her and ask how she’s feeling about it. Notice things. Keep yourself in hygienic smart condition too. See if that works. If not, after a few months, ask her if you’re better or as friends than romantic partners - it might be a relief for her .
there are lots of smart attractive and fun women in their 40s who would love an active sex life with a committed man.
what I always say is that at this age, the men who get divorced are often the selfish ones or the useless ones who get kicked out, but there are lots of great men but they are married sometimes to women who they aren’t having a great time with but they’re too moral or too good a family man to leave

Same advice I just wrote to op above applies to you

This seems so odd. To be upset he’s not more loving when love making is not happening.
he is obviously in love with you and so happy when he connects with you via love making it gives him a post orgasmic mood boost. Don’t you get this too?

Your original advice is similar to what my therapist has said about the situation and it’s good as far as it goes but in my case there are definitely underlying issues around sex. I have took time to work on myself physically and mentally and tried to be the best version of myself I can. I am attentive to he cues and make sure I am more than pulling my weight around the house and with childcare. Relationships evolve and change and unfortunately mine and the OPs is on a negative path just now.

It wasn’t like this in the earlier years together, no.

I guess it’s happened gradually over the years, post having kids.

We still have a lot of good times in many other ways.

You have taken a very big and brave step. I wish you well

This is good advice and I hope things improve for you. There are bound to be ups and downs.

I agree it’s the hope that is hard to deal with.

Unfortunately it’s hard to totally bury feelings

So sorry to hear this something must have happened to change things, have you considered your wife might be attracted to women

I don’t think that’s the case - more a combination of menopause and going off me after all these years

When we first me sex was great. It’s just gradually disappeared. After kids really. Understandable but very frustrating

Youve given away a massive clue here , saying she has gone off you, so you either live with that or create your own destiny, please know I've lived with that feeling it eats away at you and is soul destroying , I feel for you

I have my tuppenceworth to add here so bookmarking so I can find the three later when I have time to type a reply!

I think I just need to find the mindset where it’s not totally soul destroying and take the good with the frustrating. Too much to lose.

I mean this is kind of key. If you feel that on balance there’s more too lose from leaving the marriage and you can keep living in this relationship, you’ve got your answer. Some people realise that they can’t live like that any longer and so have to take steps to go if change seems impossible. Your kids are teens - I’m not sure how old, but there’s the chance you leave and find happiness at some point, or you stay as you are and accept your situation as it is. It’s not easy, but it sounds like you’d rather stay put.

Can I please ask, what there is to lose?

I am in the middle of leaving my husband - we also had a sexless marriage - and honestly, with some time and space my eyes are opening wide.

The small unkindnesses are *rife - general lack of interest in my life, huffing puffing and eye rolling when I speak to him, literally no touching ever, veiled unkind sneery comments. I could go on.

The lack of sex isn’t your problem - it’s what driving that. It sounds as if your wife dislikes you now, similarly to how I think my husband feels.

So - what is there to lose? Not a particularly happy home, for starters.

As someone who has gone through it there’s a lot to lose! A two parent home, the impact financially, having to move the kids between two homes…. The impact on the kids. There’s a lot. The grass isn’t always easier, just different weeds to pull out!
As I say, I couldn’t live in my marriage ultimately and chose to go, but it’s far far from easy.

I understand what you’re saying.

I'm not sure my wife doesn’t like me, she just doesn’t fancy me anymore.

I would lose an awful lot - after a couple of decades it’s a whole network including her family who I get on with, nephews, nieces etc.