Sexless marriage

[Marky1979]

Hi there

I’m a mid 40s bloke with a wife, same age, 17 years marriage and 2 teenagers.

I live in a sexless marriage - it’s been about 4 times a year for as long as I can remember.

I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to get divorced. I love my wife. I’m the loyal type.

The problem I have is excruciating frustration. Other than waiting a few decades, is there any way of dialing down that part of the brain?

It’s Incredibly hard to live like this. My wife says she understands but clearly doesn’t.

Who else has experienced this?

If she doesn’t want it, then she doesn’t want it. I suppose you can either find a way to make peace with that somehow, or leave. It’s a hard decision but that is the bottom line.

That is exactly the situation I'm in @Marky1979 . We've had so many conversations about it but ultimately he doesn't want it as much as I do and I don't really want to be having sex with someone that doesn't really want it. I want to be with somebody that wants me.

I've had to accept that this is just how it will be if I stay. The trouble is, we have kids so its not just my life I'd be blowing up because of my selfish needs. Most of the time I'm happy to stay but when the resentment starts seeping through everyday that's when I've started to realise that perhaps I can't live like this forever.

It's such a difficult situation to be in and even though I'm going through it I don't have any helpful suggestions. Do you ever resent her for making you feel this way? I find the resentment is growing and I'm just ambivalent towards him now. I'm losing the will to fight.

Sounds like we’re in a very similar situation. I emphasize with pretty much every word.

Others have said they wouldn’t tolerate it but like you it’s not just me but a whole family and life to consider.

Giving all that up seems daft when sex has probably passed me by now anyway.

I feel the resentment but will just have to live with it.

Thank you for you understanding. Can’t talk about this in real life

If it's important for you, it should be important to her. What kind of partner doesn't care if the other is unhappy?
From what you say, she's not considering your needs, or taking them seriously, and that is a bad sign.

@Marky1979 The trouble I have found with resentment is that it grows. Like you, at first I thought I could live with it and just bury these thoughts away. Put everyone else's needs before mine. Some days my resolve is strong, other times my head is a mess.

As time goes on I'm getting snappier with him and the kids, which I know is unfair to them but without sex and affection I just feel numb. Sex makes me feel alive and because I know how good it can be, I spend my time reminiscing. In some ways this has made me feel even worse. Like you, I have wished that I could just turn my sex drive off and then all my problems would go away. I'm a similar age to you and don't feel ready to say goodbye to a healthy sex life.

I don't have the answers but what I do know is that it's an awful place to be in. I think you just have to keep talking to your wife and tell her the extent of your feelings.

I have had some brutally honest conversations with my husband and even if they haven't improved our sex life, just getting it all off my chest has helped me face another day.

That's infrequent enough to count as sexless. Many therapists and studies define a sexless marriage as less than 12 or 10 times a year.

It’s a difficult one. Only you know what you can live with. Blowing up the family unit and doubling your living costs seems a high price to pay I know. But sometimes it’s the only way of living as you are for the rest of your lives is soul destroying. If the marriage is otherwise good and there’s still love there, maybe you can revive that side of the relationship. Esther Perel has some good advice on these matters.

I doubt it’s passed you by. It’s possible to have a healthy active sexual life as long as both partners want to surely? There isn’t an age limit to it.

I'm really sorry, OP. I have been there, and I never would have believed how excruciating a lack of sex in marriage could be, had I not experienced it. I wasn't even overly bothered about it, until my narcissist ex silently took it away from me as a "punishment" for not being the weight he wanted me to be. A lack of sex - which usually also means a lack of affection and romance and connection, too - is uniquely excruciating because you cannot get those needs met anywhere else. So effectively, he locked me away behind glass to wither away from lack of touch, affection, sex, etc. That's exactly how it felt. I couldn't get those things from him, and I couldn't get them from anyone else, either. All I could do was watch from behind the invisible glass as some of the best things in life went on without me. It was one of the most deeply depressing things I have ever experienced.

My situation was eventually solved by him devaluing me so much that he left me. So I don't have any advice for you on how to solve this. I ended up wishing that I had cheated instead of wasting some of my best years being faithful to someone who in no way deserved it, but it sounds like your marriage is a lot better than mine was.

I would read up on the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire - women tend to have the latter - and I highly recommend the books "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski and "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel. If your wife cares about your distress, she should be open to reading them. They make a LOT of sense. And you're not asking her to have sex with you, you're just asking her to read a couple of books. You should both read them, and discuss them together. I would express your distress, without pressuring her to have sex, so that she understands how important it is to you to dig into the issue. Even if it doesn't improve your sex life, you will feel heard, and emotionally closer to each other.

Lastly, a couple of years after my ex left, I found a lover who really knew what he's doing, and after seeing him I feel absolutely renewed. I never felt that way before. I have always had difficulty with spontaneous arousal and I have a lot of brakes (see "Come As You Are") and my lover did a simple thing like using a clirotal stimulator on me during sex. Made a huge difference. My ex couldn't even be bothered to do that. And the new guy has excellent bedroom manners, takes his time, and touches me all over, not just the obvious bits. Women's skin is thinner than men's and much more sensitive all over.

Hope this helps.

Once a quarter is absolutely not pretty good. It fits most definitions of a sexless marriage by a long way. It's an appallingly low amount for anyone who has a sex drive.

What's the non-sexual intimacy like? Cuddles, holding hands? Emotional intimacy? Are you both comfortable talking to the other about anything knowing that you'll be heard and considered?

I was the one who didn't want sex in my marriage for various reasons, and I saw the pain that caused my exdh and it hurt me to know I was hurting him. I suggested he find a FWB to get those needs met, but he didn't want an open marriage. Eventually we divorced, and he went on to marry a lovely woman who is far more compatible with him.

Sex and intimacy are basic human pair bonding processes. Some people don't need it as much as others, and that's ok. Nobody should be having sex they don't want. But that doesn't make you selfish or unreasonable to miss it. If there is a sexual incompatibility it's very hard to maintain a healthy relationship in other areas as the hurt and resentment seeps in. As awful as it is, the only options you have are:

• discussing opening the marriage and getting your needs met elsewhere.

• leaving and working on a coparenting arrangement to free you up to persue another relationship that is more fulfilling.

• accepting things as they are without resentment in order to maintain the life that you have. You need to be brutally realistic with yourself about whether or not you can achieve this.

No decision is wrong. How you go about making changes (or not) is what potentially causes damage.

Same here. One hundred percent agree with what's said above. I'm still recovering too, a few years on. This issue is a big reason why I would never, ever marry or live with anyone again. I'll never forget the utter bleakness of feeling totally cut off from all sex, physical affection, and the romance and connection that comes with it. I'll walk through hell on hot coals before I ever put myself in a position for someone to do that to me again. If I was married or co-habiting, I know I would cheat if someone withdrew sex, so I know I'm not commitment material now. And I was the most committed person you could find before and during my marriage, believed in it fiercely, and never would have dreamed of cheating - and I didn't, throughout a dreadful long marriage. But I would now, hence I am not a safe choice for anyone. Living in a longterm sexless marriage is psychologically devastating. It fucks with your head and changes you.

Do you mean no sexual contact at all in the time between the once a quarter, or do you mean no intercourse but other forms of sex and intimacy?

My husband and I go through peaks and troughs as I have an issue with my vulva that sometimes makes PIV difficult and painful, but we still have oral and toy “sex” a couple of times a week.

There are lots of married-dating sites with women on them who are just as frustrated as you. I'm not recommending that, I'm saying that's how some people handle it.

You do have choices:

• Resolve to put up with it, buy yourself a Fleshlight, and get used to cold showers.
• Find a FWB via sites who are set up for that.
• End the marriage.

I'm not recommending any course of action; I'm just trying to empower you to know that you have options; you don't have to live like this.

I'm 51 and have lived through the experience of a sexless marriage. If I was ever in this situation again, I would end it. But YMMV.

A good sex toy will help pull you through. Recommend the rabbit ones with the ears. That and cold showers.

Is she completely off all physical intimacy & touch? If you took sex completely out of the picture (for now) & started to build up intimacy (non sexual) like massage & touch without the pressure of sex would she be receptive?

Does she enjoy sex when you do it but just wants it less often, or is she putting up with it every few months?

@CrystalShoe don't get me wrong, I love my vibrator but it just doesn't help. In fact, sometimes it makes it even more obvious what I'm missing. It's not just the end result of sex I'm missing, it's the chemistry of looking into somebody's eyes, the feel of their hands all over my body. The cheeky texts throughout the day telling me what they'd like to do to me. I've had that before and it's that what makes me feel alive, not just the end result.

Oh believe me, I get it. I've SO been there. The vibe helped take the edge off when my libido was strong and my exH ignored me, but it didn't stop me feeling lonely or was a replacement for touch and affection in any way.

I’ve been there. The brutal truth is no matter how you dress it up is if you don’t fancy your partner then sex you’ll never give in a truly forthcoming way. You can absolutely love and adore your spouse, have the best relationship in every way (apart from physically) but sexual attraction and desire is needed to WANT sex.

Jesus. Taking medication to dampen a normal body and mind function.

Oh stop. For people with a healthy libido 4 x a year is dire

it also probably feels like sympathy sex or ‘oh god if I have to ‘ sex which is worse than no sex

lol at all those saying sex once a quarter is absolutely fine and OP should be happy with it.

Come on.

He’s entitled to want sex with his DW. I would have to hear the wife’s side of the story before I assigned judgement or blame.

But in the end, you have 4 choices:

stay and put up with it
divorce
stay and ask your wife to accept your getting a FWB
stay and have an affair behind her back.

Towards the end my partner bought a flesh light as he wanted that satisfaction but I couldn’t give it to him but he didn’t want to cheat 😞 Ultimately we split up and I’m so much happier with someone I’m sexually attracted to. He is in a relationship too 👍🏻

You make it sound like if he was perfect she would want sex. But some people just have low or zero libido. You can’t make them feel like it’s due to x y or z. It might just be how they are made.