Sexless marriage

[Marky1979]

Hi there

I’m a mid 40s bloke with a wife, same age, 17 years marriage and 2 teenagers.

I live in a sexless marriage - it’s been about 4 times a year for as long as I can remember.

I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to get divorced. I love my wife. I’m the loyal type.

The problem I have is excruciating frustration. Other than waiting a few decades, is there any way of dialing down that part of the brain?

It’s Incredibly hard to live like this. My wife says she understands but clearly doesn’t.

Who else has experienced this?

Could you try talking to her about it, if you’re too unhappy a divorce might be the best option.

We’ve talked about it. There are very good reasons why she doesn’t want to have sex with me. Menopause, stressful life and so on. It just leaves me feeling, well, awful. I don’t want to get divorced. I love her.

If you are serious about reducing your libido then maybe your doctor could help. AD would do the trick

Forgive my ignorance, what is AD? My libido serves no purpose, so open to suggestions

Antidepressants. I doubt a GP would prescribe them to reduce libido but there might be other drugs that they would.

Sex once a quarter sounds absolutely ideal to me!
But in all seriousness, you're not in a sexless marriage if you're having regular, albeit infrequent, sex. Give your head a wobble.

It's part of the role to provide lovemaking to one's spouse, and if she doesn't want to, you're looking at another 20/30/40 years of no sex (whichever applies). Maybe discuss you finding a fwb?

Actually, many experts in the field define a sexless marriage as one where there are less than 10 occasions of sex per year.

@SparklyCardigan the definition of a sexless marriage is sex less than 10 times a year. 4 times a year would definitely fall under this definition.

@Marky1979 I have complete sympathy with your situation. I am in a very similar situation, apart from it is my husband who does not want to have sex with me. We have sex probably a similar amount a year. We have tried talking about it so often and it will improve for a while but always reverts back to how it was. I've come to a point where I've accepted this is how it will be if I decide to stay. I'm at the point where I'm trying to weigh up if I can live like this forever.

you are not in a sexless marriage if you are having sex every few months. and Once a quarter is pretty good tbh.

if you want more of it then you need to work out what would help your wife feel less stressed and overwhelmed. IME men forget that to get to a woman her brain needs to be fully engaged before you even consider getting jiggy. Therefore the invisible load needs sharing so she isn’t making shopping lists or to do lists in her head when you start feeling frisky.

and you need to put the effort in before getting to the bedroom. Well before.

try doing more than you currently are. Take more of the mental load on. Cook clean shop sort school uniforms and sports fixture driving and tix for the fireworks / gifts for teachers / write all the Christmas cards and post them / purchase gifts for Xmas stockings and order Christmas lunch and breakfast / book next year’s holidays and sort out wardrobes and books etc etc

basically find out what she does and take some of the family life admin on.

And definitely Go for marital counselling to uncover the issues holding back the sexual side of your marriage.

you may be surprised.

This issue ended my first marriage and ultimately affected me mentally for quite a long time. It took its toll on my confidence and self image mainly.

We went to counselling for it etc which was utterly pointless. My two cents are ….. I wish I’d have walked a lot sooner than I did.

I'm shocked at the people who think sex 4 times a year is good! For the person with the higher sex drive, 4 times a year can be completely and utterly soul destroying. Before I met my husband, I was confident but over time my self confidence has been chipped away.

To me that is a sexless marriage, like my first one. My husband now and I have had lots of issues that could have derailed our sex life. His health issues- he sought ED medication. My severe menopause, I found a good HRT and supplement balance. I'd never want another marriage like my first.

Are you suggesting someone medicate themselves to be able to live in a sexless marriage? That’s so weird!

These threads always tell men to take the bins out more and stuff but in my experience…if one of you doesn’t fancy the other it’s a done deal. My husband is better at housework than I am but he’s soon to be my ex because…we don’t fancy each other any more and I don’t want to live for decades without good healthy loving passionate sex.

Every few months may be enough for some people but I’d guess 99% of guys would find that torturous. It’s not just the sex itself but the intimacy and feeling wanted.

I do plenty of the day to day work that needs doing be it shopping, kids stuff, cooking, cleaning etc. But my wife does have a stressful job which is partly where I have failed. We both have to work full time.

Agree - if taking the bins out would sort it no man on earth would be frustrated for long!

The problem is I fancy her and she clearly doesnt feel the same to the point of wanting intimacy

Well it is but that was his question tbf!

It’s a tough choice you’ve got, I sympathize. I just don’t think me going to live in a crap flat somewhere with nearly double the living costs and everything else the same except jeopardizing decades of extended network helps anyone

You wonder what their partners think. If it works for both then great but not the case for most.

For me it’s a major strain on esteem aside from the physical aspect.

Clearly that is part of marriage. I don’t want to cheat though. Even if I did, I can’t imagine where a FWB would come from!

My sympathies, OP. I am in a very similar situation with my dh. Our sex life was amazing for years and then it suddenly dropped off. I’ve been trying to improve it for years and my dh makes all the right noises but then doesn’t seem at all interested when it actually comes down to it. Our longest period of time without having sex was two years and it left me feeling sad, unwanted and unattractive to my dh. This year has been better as we’ve had sex 4 times so far. I’m only in my 40s and love my dh so much but the lack of intimacy and affection is hard.

"Clearly that is part of marriage. I don’t want to cheat though. Even if I did, I can’t imagine where a FWB would come from!"

As usual on Mumsnet there is a double standard here.

When women post on this topic responses are sympathetic say the constant rejection is bad for your self esteem and do you want to live the next 30/40 years this way

As a man you will get told to make sure you are pulling your weight at home and blamed for your wife's lack of interest, and " give your head a wobble"

Ultimately you need a conversation with your wife because as a previous poster said it could be that your wife has lost interest and you have both grown apart. How much affection does she show you short of sex?

You can say you did not sign up to a largely sexless marriage and deserve to be with someone who desires you so

You can get divorced.
You can both agree to open the marriage.
You can continue as you are, largely living as friend but this could be very miserable, a bad example for your kids and increases the chances that one of you will ultimately cheat on the other

We’ve had plenty of conversations. It’s important to me, but not to her is the summary.

trying to get into the headspace of virtual celibacy for life but just can’t quite make peace with that.

I wouldn't be settling for that..