Grandparents who don’t help

[BeRubyMaker]

Hi does anyone else experience lack of any interest and help from grandparents who otherwise intimate they want to help and are so interested in their grandkids to other people. When it comes to the crunch though they are nowhere to be seen. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked and even then it’s hard work-I’ve not been well, what time will you be back lalalala….. It’s so sad for our kids they miss out on time with grandparents. I would have thought they’d love to be involved, always going on about having grandkids before they had any and how they’d always be at hand if needed. When we were little out grandparents always used to be around. It’s not as if both our sets of parents work, both lots retired and stuck at home doing nothing basically. Unless you count watching TV, reading, lolling about on the couch on Facebook etc etc. I cannot fathom why they do not want to be a part of their grandkids’ lives I find it so upsetting and feel so angry about it. Our kids won’t be young forever. Maybe it is just me? Does anyone else feel the same?

It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked
How often are you asking them to? More to the point, if you know they don’t want to, why are you asking them?

I pray my DC don’t have kids because I absolutely won’t be able to help. I’m knackered and not in great health as it is, and I’m only in my 50’s! I’d hate to think they felt this way about me because I wasn’t able to help as they wanted me to.
I feel sorry for grandparents who are slated for not helping, they’ve likely both worked, they have raised their kids and, whilst it would be nice if they could help, they aren’t obligated to. They should be able to do what they want with their free time. Lots of us have brought DC up without help, my own DM worked and PIL were too old/far away/useless. It never occurred to me to be bitter about it though.

I cannot fathom why they do not want to be a part of their grandkids’ lives

Are they only allowed to spend time with them if they’re doing your childcare?

I've got no intention of providing childcare for any grandkids. I've done my time bringing 3 children up single handed. I'll visit, be interested, engage but that's it.

Maybe they don't want to mind your children - for whatever reason. You have to respect their choice.

I'm single and work and have 3 grandchildren which live next door. I have them a lot because I love having them. They are so loving and funny and sometimes hard work. I know grandparents aren't obligated to look after the gc but they are really missing out if they don't.
I'm very rarely asked to babysit but unless I was working or had an important engagement id never say no.

This is a common topic on here. The answer is always the same, no one owes you childcare or help, they’re your children.
However GP help is a huge divide between those who get it and those who don’t. I have friends whose lives are so different to mine, nights out, weekends away without kids. Someone to call on to cover illnesses. I had a boss whose mum took her children from Monday after school to Saturday morning - she never understood why other people might need to be off with their children.

Personally I’ve never had any. My DM wasn’t well enough and also not a suitable person. MIL babysit once and I never left DD with her again because of her behaviour. She was however not that interested in her anyway, her house was full of photos of her though and she told relatives long stories about her. She only saw her about once a year.

My feelings are that it's fine to be a grandparent that doesn't want to do a lot of childcare, as a parent whose not had a lot of help I doubt I'll want to do much myself. However if that's the case don't do that thing where as soon as you hear a pregnancy announcement you get all excited and start promising things you won't deliver on. Be honest and straight forward about it.

We've had to explain to DSS and his partner, that we don't want to be childcare, we want to be grandparents! we want to be involved in our GC;s life, we want to be invited to days out, parties, we want to invite for sunday lunch, we don't just want to be a childcare option, used only when it gets them out of a hole!

They chose to have children, its down to them to sort out childcare for their child and let other family members be just that!

Like you said, they off loaded you on your grandparents. They have shown They aren't interested

My mum is a very involved grandparent to her bridge friends and her yoga friends and her neighbours etc. in reality she has never babysit ever and very rarely wants to spend any time with them even with me in attendance. They quite clearly irritate her despite being very pleasant and the eldest being very well behaved, littlest is still a baby so far less reliable on that front! It’s particularly galling as we were on one set of grandparents or the others every weekend for sleepovers and in the week as well fairly regularly, it’s very difficult not to mind but I do feel like overall it’s her loss

What age are they? I know my grandparents were around a lot and looked after me a lot when I was a kid, but my mam had us young and my grandparents were young too. If they're older grandparents maybe the reality has hit them that children are hard fucking work and they maybe don't have the energy or capacity to be as available as they'd hoped they would be?

I have raised my dcs with no help that I didn't pay for, am still working at 66, and no way in the world will I be doing childcare for grandkids. I'm not saying I won't be interested, have them for tea, read them stories, but I won't be doing childcare.

My parents live 2.5 miles away but they couldn't give a flying fxuk yet get upset if I didn't ring or visit regularly. Last year they visited 4 times in one calender year, each time on their way to somewhere else and didn't even sit down on one occasion, just stood up for 5 mins and left. We have a autistic child and haven't had a night out together as a couple for 6 years. Yet we have no beef, you have to let these things go or they stew away at you.

I have 4dc the eldest 32 and youngest 14
They are all aware before dc came or come along that I will be a doting granny but childcare def not.That stops with them.
Been there and done that
That ship has sailed !
Perhaps offer to have your parents over for dinner and you cook and cleanup for them like they did you for many years amd they can spend time with you and your dc and go home with a lovely meal cooked by someone else.
We aren't that young anymore!
I'm at the height of my career now and have some health issues, and down time is not for childminding. It's for friends / grandchildren / dh / all family / crochet / keep fit / cooking and doing fun stuff with my gorgeous baby grand daughter together with her mum. We adore her together and spend hours on the home / FaceTime when apart . She just wouldn't ask me to take time off to help out formally. I do offer and sometimes babysit so she can get her hair done or something but i offer and that a bit different
She does not feel entitled to my time
Her siblings are still falling over themselves to sit tbh

I find that quite cheeky. You want the good stuff but won’t do any work.
We have looked after our grandchildren weekly and I think we have a very good relationship because of it.

My parents weren't interested in being involved grandparents. They'd show superficial interest by asking about everyone in a weekly phone call, but not much else.

We'd visit each other for an overnight stay a couple of times a year (they'd stay in a hotel if they came to us) but that's it.

The "children" are all in their twenties now and didn't really know my parents. They didn't see much of them.

Sad I suppose, but I had known since my teens to not ask them for childcare. The only time I did was when going into hospital for any reason, which to be fair, they did do and did it well. Nothing else though.

How is that cheeky? Firstly it's not a child they decided to have and secondly they've done the hard work with their own children.
Grandparents are supposed to enjoy grandchildren imo not be put upon for childcare unless they are open to it and offer.
I see so many grandparents, usually the grandmother absolutely ran ragged because of childcare requests or expectations, it's really not on.

well thats awesome for you, i have 4 GC now, i work full time and i have a husband and we have 6 children between us. where am i supposed to find the time to have all my GC every weekend?

my parents never shipped me off to grandparents? i don't recall ever having a sleep over with grandparents. You can still have a loving and close relationship with a GC without taking on childcare responsibilities.

“When we were little out grandparents always used to be around.”

Were they providing a lot of childcare too? If so that likely means childcare has never been a thing your parents enjoy.

I was one who said I wouldn't ever provide childcare for grandchildren but now I have them my view has changed.

Firstly my children aren't blessed with the option not to work, as I had. They have to both work to pay their bills. I don't think I had grasped this before.

Secondly I wasn't prepared for the absolute delight of my grandchildren. I love having them.

So I can see both sides. But I do think the absolute expectation that grandparents will do it is awful.

Why is it cheeky to want the good times? They're grandparents not childminders.

I have wonderful in laws who I love dearly and who love my children dearly, but who do not want to help.

I get it. They’ve raised their family and now want to enjoy their free time, and why shouldn’t they?

Of course it’s nice if you have grandparents who want to help and be involved in your day to day lives, but lots don’t, and it’s not a reflection of how much they love their grandchildren.

Try not to feel any bitterness towards them or let it affect your relationship, what’s the point?

don't get me wrong, if any of the kids were in a bind, and needed help then of course i would step in and help! my DSS and his partner only allow us to be a part of GC's life when they need childcare (or money but thats a whole different thread). We don't get invited to tea, or to parties, and they never accept invites to do things. they never send us photos, never contact us 'for a chat', they only ever want us to provide childcare! well thats not being a grandparent, thats being a mug!

I have never done childcare as such, as I work long hours. I've had all my grandkids for sleepovers etc, slowing down now as all are teenagers and have lives of their own!

You seem to be confusing contact with childcare.

Wow. Why is it cheeky to want to spend time with the family as a whole? Are you saying that in order to have access to your grandchildren you should only see them if you are just a child care option?