Grandparents who don’t help

[BeRubyMaker]

Hi does anyone else experience lack of any interest and help from grandparents who otherwise intimate they want to help and are so interested in their grandkids to other people. When it comes to the crunch though they are nowhere to be seen. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked and even then it’s hard work-I’ve not been well, what time will you be back lalalala….. It’s so sad for our kids they miss out on time with grandparents. I would have thought they’d love to be involved, always going on about having grandkids before they had any and how they’d always be at hand if needed. When we were little out grandparents always used to be around. It’s not as if both our sets of parents work, both lots retired and stuck at home doing nothing basically. Unless you count watching TV, reading, lolling about on the couch on Facebook etc etc. I cannot fathom why they do not want to be a part of their grandkids’ lives I find it so upsetting and feel so angry about it. Our kids won’t be young forever. Maybe it is just me? Does anyone else feel the same?

My mother told me, when I was about 13, quite seriously, "I don't want to be a grandmother". So as far as she's concerned, she isn't.

absolutely no complaining whatsoever and i cannot see how you have picked that up. I agree, being asked to spend time, and being allowed to spend time with my grandchildren is glorious and we love every minute of it. it is not my role to provide free childcare to them though. if you have read all my replies, we ask to see them, have them, visit them, cook for them but they only time we are allowed is when they need childcare! i am not a childcare provider i am a grandparent! i have already raised my children, its is not my role to raise my grandchildren, it is their parents role to raise their own children. I am a grandparent, i want to be able to take my grandchildren to the zoo, to the park, for an ice-cream, i want to be able to pick them up from school, take them to the beach. the only time i am allowed to see 3 of my 4 grandchildren is when the parents need childcare! and to provide that childcare i have to cancel any plans i might have? they don't ring up and say 'are you free tuesday can you look after jimmy please'. they ring up on monday night and say 'can you baby sit on tuesday we have a social engagement to go too?' and if we say no, then there is no negotiation. we can only see GC on their terms.. and you are saying i have to be grateful for that?

and you sound like a lovely daughter and parent.. sadly not everyone shares your experience.

i think when it comes to grandchildren/grandparents, people have to accept that there is no one size fits all solution. what works for one won't always work for another.

i have the same relationship with my own daughter and its amazing. i'd love to have the same with the other 3, but alas its not to be. i guess i should make it clear that the other 3 are step children, which probably accounts for a lot of things, but i try to treat all the children equally

night night

perhaps what she really meant was.. i dont want to be a grandmother right now?

and if she did really mean ever, i'm so sorry to hear that!

It is such a blessing to be a part of a young childs life.
We humans are children for such a short time, and it's so incredibly important, and it's such an incredibly important part of an individuals life.

I can't imagine not wanting to be involved and help. I would feel privileged to be included. Who wants to be the relative that's only around for birthday parties, Xmas and an occasional Sunday roast. Not me. I want to be a source of security, love, education and all the other things a grandparent can be. It's a shame it's so normalised for family members to be so distant now. It takes a village after all.. count me in.

My own parents have helped with my DC a fair bit, though not as much as some. My own grandparents not a lot and as such I hardly recollect them in my childhood.

I really dislike the repeated message on this thread that if a grandparent doesn't provide childcare they shouldn't expect help in their old age. If your parents loved and cared for you throughout your childhood why would you not want to help them as they get old and frail? They're your parents. Childcare for grandchildren is a completely separate issue and if your mum says she can't cope you need to respect that. All the people saying they'll look after grandchildren in the future need to check themselves. You've no idea how you'll feel when you're in your 60s. Being reasonably fit for ones age is not the same thing as being 30 again.

So your in-laws looked after your kids a few times a year, including overnight a couple of times and spent time with all of you? What's wrong with that?
Maybe when you get to 55 you'll be like me. Working full-time in an extremely stressful job, still parenting school-age children, looking after failing parents in their eighties and caring for a sick husband. I'm working so hard to help my 3 children with house deposits when the time comes.
Apparently, according to some folks here, if I have grandchildren I need to be available whenever required for free childcare at the drop of a hat or I'm a selfish, lazy bitch who deserves to die a miserable lonely death.

😂😂😂. you've put into words what i've been trying to say all night

Honestly I really think some of our parents generation just don't seem to fathom that in this day and age BOTH parents usually have to work. My mum was a sahm, as was her mum. I regularly spent nights at my nans house. When I had my first child my patents made a big deal about how involved they'd be. In reality my oldest is 9 and they've had him overnight about 5 times. They just aren't interested, not just in childcare but spending any time with them where they have to interact with them other than a photo to post on Facebook. Me and my partner both work, I don't have the luxury of being a sahm like my mum was or being able to buy a house for next to nothing. A lot of her generation are inherently selfish because of the unearned luxuries that were available to them. Most of my friends parents and my partners family readily look after their grandchildren. Many to an extent thst they don't need nursery. I never wanted or expected this but some interest and taking them out now n again n the odd night of babysitting wouldn't go amiss. You reap what you sow, I won't be available for her in old age and make sure that your mother doesn't expect help when she has not been there to give it to you!

My mil has about zero interest in my son. She lives in another country and visits go see relatives in our town. Stays with us when she’s here on those trips but literally barely interacts with her grandchild. We end up feeding her ( I do all the bloody cooking) or we pay for all the meals we have if we go out , she has never once offered to pick up a single tab nor actually bought anything into the house.i feel like we are a full board b and b ( except free)

If the grandparents are all retired they are likely well into their 60s or have health issues. It is honestly much harder running round after toddlers as you get older, however delightful they are. I'm a lucky grandmother because I'm able to provide weekly childcare for some of my DGC and it's easier to build relationships with them than others who live further away.

Most of my friends parents and my partners family readily look after their grandchildren. Many to an extent thst they don't need nursery. So most grandparents are completely selfless then? And also very possibly exhausted and resentful but feeling unable to refuse because of all the emotional blackmail their children are dumping on them.

Husband & I have 2 grandchildren,my son's children.He is no longer living with the the grand childrens mum.We mainly moved to be nearer the grandchildren, but sadly things haven't really worked out? We did invite them out, when we first moved here 27 months ago.They came to stay at our home.We took them for a day out shopping & go karting, the eldest grandchild 15 seemed to have a bit of a attitude while he was with us! We found it tricky to navigate as he was not happy,which was making his younger brother 13 & us unhappy! Everything we thought may work eventually but no, not really! This also happened when our Daughter,their aunt took them out for a meal, the behavior of the eldest was not great.Aunt invited the boys to stay with us and her at her flat.They just said no! We always send Birthday Cards & Christmas cards & money.Help out when we can afford to.But that's it really.Obviously something is wrong? We do not receive any cards or invitations. I feel we have made a effort, without any positive results.I am all or nothing person, it was sadly just not meant to be.I think it's because our Son & their Mum had a acrimonious spilt,although we managed to stay Neutral.We are mid sixties, so not young!

I don’t think I personally know an alive grandparent who doesn’t play an active part in their DGC’s lives, including childcare, unless theres some kind of rift, so this thread comes as quite a shock to me.

I will not be a grandparent for a long time but I can’t imagine I would ever be of the opinion my time is done and im no longer obligated to care for my family but I do understand there are age, time and ability constraints that make it more difficult for some.

It does sound like they aren’t very nice outside of that debate though, bragging about being wonderful while not actually doing much and flaking on you isn’t on.

What about the ones who help the other grandchildren but not your children?

I don’t help because they are three hours away. I have sorted services that they have to pay for, but I’m not driving three hours there and back to do their garden or take them shopping.
I would ask them over for lunch on the odd weekend when I lived down the road and they were usually too busy. If I asked them to babysit it was always no. So I moved back to where my friends were. I understand they wanted to enjoy their retirement, but now my kids are older and I have freedom I’m not spending my weekends doing things for them.
We have been looking at nursing homes and they know if they want me to take them out once a week they have to pick one near me.

Neither side of ours babysit. For different reasons. My in-laws don’t feel able for it as health issues and my own parents don’t feel confident with children and are extremely busy anyway throughly enjoying their retirement. They all love the kids and see them with us.

I don’t resent it really but I am mad jealous of people whose parents help out a lot. Very rarely I get sad about it, like we have a funeral to attend this week and we were debating bringing them, paying a babysitter or asking for a favour from friends.

@Fifiworks Its the occasional times like a funeral, wedding or rushing one kid to hospital where you will be there for hours when the odd bit of babysitting is needed. I found that so frustrating.

It's a 2 way street as they will soon find out. Help and support has to be lovingly given on both sides either out of duty or respect or family or love.

If they don't want to help with your kids and prefer to watch tv or whatever then that is their prerogative

Exactly the same as when they are infirm or v elderly or widowed and need prescriptions picked up or dropped off at hospital appointments you are at liberty to be busy watching tv.

My own mother learned this the hard way

He walked out on my mum, brother and me when I was 14 and used to ignore me when I was sat on the same bus as him because his new wife (who wasn't with him) told him to.

I think I've earned the right not to force the relationship. If he wants to spend time with his GCs he knows where we are, we are not going to beg him.

He's 64 and been retired 10 years. Whatever he does with his time is his choice but I won't be going out my way to facilitate a relationship with him when he's holed up in some care home feeling sorry for himself that nobody visits him.

I'll make my choices too, you know.

My mother is also finding this out . She wouldn’t cross the street to help me but is now old and frail and I am her nearest relative. She expects me to visit and do jobs for her but is still nasty to me.

Essentially, we wanted to be treated but don't ask us for anything in return.

They had their kids op
If they wanted more they would of had more
They have done the running around looking after kids and they are older ,with less patience and less tolerance.
And ..these are your kids ...your responsibility...not theirs ..
They don't owe you childcare

I imagine it's galling if your parents take zero interest in your children and don't help even in emergencies. Especially when many parents remember spending a lot of time with their grandparents as children too.

I am lucky to have wonderful parents and will help support them (as best as I can) in their old age.

Some people don't want or love their kids though, do they?