Grandparents who don’t help

[BeRubyMaker]

Hi does anyone else experience lack of any interest and help from grandparents who otherwise intimate they want to help and are so interested in their grandkids to other people. When it comes to the crunch though they are nowhere to be seen. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked and even then it’s hard work-I’ve not been well, what time will you be back lalalala….. It’s so sad for our kids they miss out on time with grandparents. I would have thought they’d love to be involved, always going on about having grandkids before they had any and how they’d always be at hand if needed. When we were little out grandparents always used to be around. It’s not as if both our sets of parents work, both lots retired and stuck at home doing nothing basically. Unless you count watching TV, reading, lolling about on the couch on Facebook etc etc. I cannot fathom why they do not want to be a part of their grandkids’ lives I find it so upsetting and feel so angry about it. Our kids won’t be young forever. Maybe it is just me? Does anyone else feel the same?

Funny, though that some women only want to fuck the patriarchy when they're asked to help out:

"Can you babysit for me please mum?"

"No, I'm a feminist now".

Some of these replies are just bonkers!!! So much JUDGMENT of OP.

The irony being that there are so many other threads about toxic grandparents etc..

OP, I am in your boat. It sucks. You can’t win no matter what you do.

Don’t listen to the criticism on here. It won’t help you. Believe it or not mumsnetters, sometimes grandparents are just plain shit!!

Believe it or not mumsnetters, sometimes grandparents are just plain shit!!

AND parents and children…bingo!

Maybe we should all try and treat everyone else with understanding and respect!

Not all behaviour is deserving of understanding and respect.

My parents all over. Had all the help in the world from their parents. I will absolutely not be running when they can’t. Live their best lives in a care home!

Exactly.

"stuck at home doing nothing basically. Unless you count watching TV, reading, lolling about on the couch on Facebook etc etc"

Maybe they know what you think of them. I wouldn't lift a finger to help you either.

My own DM wasn’t capable of looking after ours. My MiL would always do so when asked and was very family oriented, but she really far preferred seeing them when DH or I were there to do the parenting and she could just be the fun GP who gave them sweets and had fun but got to sit down when she was tired and have a cup of coffee and some adult conversation. FiL would look after them if asked but didn’t really enjoy being around them for more than 30 mins at a time until they were 10ish.

I didn’t even really enjoy looking after my own kids in the sense of doing childcare when they were young. I had a lot of fun with them most of the time but it was exhausting and sometimes all went to pot. A chore rather than something I would have chosen over everything else. I think grandkids could be different but I totally get why a lot of GPs just don’t want to.

There's also numbers to take into account. When you are a parent you generally don't have more children than you can care for. Say you have two, because you think that's a reasonable number. You care for your DC, with or without GP help. The DC grow up. You want to be a hands-on GP. Your eldest DC has two children, and you help out. Then your second DC has a child, a fair bit later. You are older, but fair's fair you helped their sibling, so you help out. Then DC1 has another child. DC2 has another child. They both remarry and have more DC. Is it then fair to say 'no, I'm sorry, I can only have that close and involved relationship with the older children that I helped you with because now I'm knackered and I thought it would only be the three kids and now I'm struggling'.?

Your DC can produce as many children as they want, but you have no say in any of it. And if you pull back you will cause family strife because 'you did it before/for him/her'. So you keep 'helping' into your 80s because your DC can't see you failing and becoming more and more tired. And you love your GC and want an equal relationship with all of them...

Adult children should not just assume grandparents will look after grandchildren on the terms they want but equally grandparents should not just assume they can have their idealised relationship with the grandchildren - 'count me in for the fun stuff' is not any more realistic than expecting grandparents to live their lives around childcare commitments. Honest discussion and 'assumption busting' is needed. I think most families achieve a balance in the middle with compromise all round.

That's a really good point. Of course grandparents have neither the legal nor the moral obligation to care for their grandkids. But they also have no rights. I see a lot of grandparents expecting to have it both ways.

When I was young, most grandparents did just do the fun stuff. It was seen as a privilege of being a grandparent. A parent you do the hard work, a grandparent you do the fun stuff.
Its funny how so much more is now expected of grandparents, but so less of adult children to grandparents - I am not looking after my parents!

It astonishes me how many people on here seem to give up so much of their lives to caring for elderly parents. My parents don't expect that of me, and I would never expect that of a child. Help out a bit, sure, but not let it impede my life or stop me moving to another country or anything.

@ExercicenformedeZ We must be reading different threads then. I see most people not prepared to do anything. Personally I would never move abroad if I had very elderly parents - mine are dead now though.

I agree with you. The last thing we want is for our adult children to look after us. We have already had that conversation with them. They have told us that will supervise getting care in if we need it but not do the work.

Absolutely!

As I said earlier in the thread my parents moved abroad just after I divorced and became a single parent.

They lived their life. It has impacted on the closeness of all family relationships, however when we talk about it, they have no expectation of us caring for them now. They know that they have to adapt to a life where ours are established without them. There is no angst or bad feeling about it.

Similarly, I encourage my children to move away/abroad, to live their lives. No way do I expect that they will care for me in the future either. Easy discussions, no drama at all.

So grandparents have often helped care for their own parents, have to help care for their grandchildren, but should have zero expectation of any help themselves?

And a lot of mums want their mums to help with childcare because their own husband does so little.

I think that if grandparents don't do anything at all to help with grandkids, then no, they shouldn't expect help.

But grandparents who do help with the kids are also told not to expect any help.

I was looked after by my grandparents 5 days a week for maybe 12/13 years.

My dad likes to remind me that they had no life so could. My parents on the other hand are too busy living their retired lives.

When i explained that my husband and me literally don't have enough holiday between us to cover school holidays when DD starts school in 18 months, stating even a day or so here and there would make such a huge difference to us when it came to help, i just got terrible grumblings how Monday is washing day, Tuesday is food shop day, Wednesday is charity shop browsing day etc so no time to fit DD into the busy schedule.

Grandparents have brought their own children up. There shouldn’t be any expectation that they will provide unpaid childcare for grandchildren. So entitled. If you don’t have enough holiday, you need to pay for childcare.

Why wouldn't you want to help out your children and at the same time build a relationship with grandchild? Those who insist they won't help out because they didn't get help, don't want to commit etc are missing out IMHO..

Most grandparents will still be working. Some will be sorting things out for their elderly parents. Or they will be older grandparents. You get more tired when you are older. Most grandparents want a relationship with their grandchild. That does not mean they want to be providing regular childcare where everything they do is strictly monitored by the parents.

@JoyousGreyOrca

OP says these GPs are not working. I did one day a week childcare for both my granddaughters from birth and was working three days a week. Those building blocks you put in from a young age pay dividends later on. Fair enough if you have health issues but many just say they didn't get help so why should they help out.

Personally I couldn't watch my daughter and son in law struggle if I was able to help. Luckily other set of GPs felt the same. Families help each other and that way relationships flourish. I still managed to fit in hobbies and friends and my mum. I am in my 60s though so I guess older GPs may not be in a position to help.