Page 3 | Grandparents who don’t help

Sugargliderwombat · 14/02/2025 21:38

NightHouse · 14/02/2025 18:43

I've got no intention of providing childcare for any grandkids. I've done my time bringing 3 children up single handed. I'll visit, be interested, engage but that's it.

Maybe they don't want to mind your children - for whatever reason. You have to respect their choice.

This is what irritates me though, absolutely fine, but would you be pissed off if you didn't get to see them as much as you want?

That's the situation I'm in, no help but expect us to come to them and do what they want.

newyearnewme2025 · 14/02/2025 21:40

throw into the mix the fact that nowadays families live further and further apart.. 3 of out GC live over 2 hours away. We do have 1 that lives round the corner, and we do see them more because its easier to 'pop in'. our daily lives can incorporate 'after school pick ups', 'weekend sports activities' without it being a 4 hour round trip!

you can't complain that i am a crap grandmother when you as an adult decided to move so far away making it virutally impossible to then have this amazing relationship with a grandchild you are very rarely allowed to see.

Ashleighz88 · 14/02/2025 21:44

@newyearnewme2025 yeah I understand that, I genuinely think the push for women's equal rights has led to this. Women are now in work and can't afford to go part time, but it's led to us having even more on our plate and trying to juggle running a household, full time job, motherhood. It's all too much. Parents need help more than ever now.

I was more pointing to grandparents that do have the means to help, retired, fit etc but choose not to because they don't want to.

PondWarrior · 14/02/2025 21:46

BeRubyMaker · 14/02/2025 18:07

Hi does anyone else experience lack of any interest and help from grandparents who otherwise intimate they want to help and are so interested in their grandkids to other people. When it comes to the crunch though they are nowhere to be seen. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked and even then it’s hard work-I’ve not been well, what time will you be back lalalala….. It’s so sad for our kids they miss out on time with grandparents. I would have thought they’d love to be involved, always going on about having grandkids before they had any and how they’d always be at hand if needed. When we were little out grandparents always used to be around. It’s not as if both our sets of parents work, both lots retired and stuck at home doing nothing basically. Unless you count watching TV, reading, lolling about on the couch on Facebook etc etc. I cannot fathom why they do not want to be a part of their grandkids’ lives I find it so upsetting and feel so angry about it. Our kids won’t be young forever. Maybe it is just me? Does anyone else feel the same?

Unless you had some kind of legal agreement drawn up before your kids were born, yes - YABU. It’s really not their responsibility to look after your kids.

BlondiePortz · 14/02/2025 21:47

Ashleighz88 · 14/02/2025 21:44

@newyearnewme2025 yeah I understand that, I genuinely think the push for women's equal rights has led to this. Women are now in work and can't afford to go part time, but it's led to us having even more on our plate and trying to juggle running a household, full time job, motherhood. It's all too much. Parents need help more than ever now.

I was more pointing to grandparents that do have the means to help, retired, fit etc but choose not to because they don't want to.

But it is a choice for people to have children, and if it is to much for parents then when do grandparents get a break, they have had their time raising their own children themselves and if it is too much for them they are expected to help out with the next generation

cafenoirbiscuit · 14/02/2025 21:49

At my FIL’s funeral there was much reference to what a doting grandad he was. He hadn’t visited us for 15 years at this point, and barely knew his DGC. It used to upset me as DH had been very close with his DGPs and we had hoped for the same, but it really was their loss.

Ashleighz88 · 14/02/2025 21:51

@BlondiePortz I'm not saying they are obliged, this goes back to what matters to people. I find it weird that grandparents don't want to help their children. Being a parent doesn't stop at 18, maybe it's just me and I'm soft.

When you say when do they get a break, they will be getting a break if retired. Looking after grandchildren and helping out doesn't mean 24-7, it could be a weekend a month or a day a week, they'd still get lots of time.

newyearnewme2025 · 14/02/2025 21:53

Cornflakes44 · 14/02/2025 21:38

@newyearnewme2025 Your original post was very much we'll never do childcare, but I'll happily come to parties. That was what I was responding to. I also don't think people should expect regular childcare I am talking about a few times a year offering to babysit, also doing the hosting. That kind of give and take, on both parts. If you feel like you're being taken advantage of then that isn't right.

i did say in that post although i might not have written it corrently, we are always asking to go visit (they are too busy), we are alwasys inviting them for lunch (sorry going to her mums for sunday lunch). if we are passing their way, a quick call to see if they are in.. i'd like to BE invited to the parties, when they are passing our door we would love them to drop in.. but the only time they get in touch is when they need childcare.. if i didn't make that clear then i apologise. a relationship is a two way thing.

Meltedcandlewax · 14/02/2025 21:54

Personally I would adore to be very involved.
my own parents didn’t want to know and PIL weren’t much good with children. No grandparent should be expected to be hands on though. It’s personal choice.

IButtleSir · 14/02/2025 21:56

If you want childcare, pay for it.

Ashleighz88 · 14/02/2025 21:57

@IButtleSir I hope you think the same goes for grandparents when they are ill or need caring for. Pay for it.

Beautifulweeds · 14/02/2025 21:59

We were older parents so didn't expect it, although doted upon and loved spending time together.

Complete opposite to siblings in law who lived at home as teenage Mums and their parents did everything while they slept in, went out, drugs etc.

The inbetween, I guess it all depends on them and what they want to do. May be working, want a quieter life, had to manage on their own, whatever. Xx

newyearnewme2025 · 14/02/2025 22:00

Ashleighz88 · 14/02/2025 21:44

@newyearnewme2025 yeah I understand that, I genuinely think the push for women's equal rights has led to this. Women are now in work and can't afford to go part time, but it's led to us having even more on our plate and trying to juggle running a household, full time job, motherhood. It's all too much. Parents need help more than ever now.

I was more pointing to grandparents that do have the means to help, retired, fit etc but choose not to because they don't want to.

i think i just get a bee in my bonnet because i would love to be able to do more for all my grandchildren, but there simply isn't enough time in the day! and some of the responses here are alluding too my being a bad grandparent because i dont forfeit my own wants and needs to provide for the wants and needs of my children. i appreciate that we never really ever stop caring for our children, but there has to be a line where they stop being dependant on you.

it just seems nowadays, with younsters, and i say this about my own children too. they will not allow us to stop being parents and they do not seen to want to 'grow up'.

at what point in life do we stop being the carer and begin being cared for?

BlondiePortz · 14/02/2025 22:02

newyearnewme2025 · 14/02/2025 22:00

i think i just get a bee in my bonnet because i would love to be able to do more for all my grandchildren, but there simply isn't enough time in the day! and some of the responses here are alluding too my being a bad grandparent because i dont forfeit my own wants and needs to provide for the wants and needs of my children. i appreciate that we never really ever stop caring for our children, but there has to be a line where they stop being dependant on you.

it just seems nowadays, with younsters, and i say this about my own children too. they will not allow us to stop being parents and they do not seen to want to 'grow up'.

at what point in life do we stop being the carer and begin being cared for?

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It seems if you don't help with grandchildren their parents are not going to help you

General use of you

All a bit sad really this 'I won't help you unless you help me' thing

ChangingHistory · 14/02/2025 22:04

This must be increasingly common with more people of grandparent age (55+?) working, retirement age is near 70 now.

Surely you can invite them over every Sunday afternoon for tea and cake and to play with DC, that's what we always did. They did childcare after school 1 or 2 days a week, I think that was very good of them, they have their own lives to lead and don't like to drive in rush hour.

Brainstem · 14/02/2025 22:06

newyearnewme2025 · 14/02/2025 22:00

i think i just get a bee in my bonnet because i would love to be able to do more for all my grandchildren, but there simply isn't enough time in the day! and some of the responses here are alluding too my being a bad grandparent because i dont forfeit my own wants and needs to provide for the wants and needs of my children. i appreciate that we never really ever stop caring for our children, but there has to be a line where they stop being dependant on you.

it just seems nowadays, with younsters, and i say this about my own children too. they will not allow us to stop being parents and they do not seen to want to 'grow up'.

at what point in life do we stop being the carer and begin being cared for?

Show quote history

I stopped expecting my parents to parent me when I left home at 18!

Nothatgingerpirate · 14/02/2025 22:08

They have done their bit.
Many choose to live their own (only, unfortunately) life while they can.
If you choose to have kids, please parent them yourself, it's not really up to anyone else and saying getting people to help is like pulling teeth 😂😳
I never had children and never looked after
a grandchild (from my husband's side). That's their parents' job.

newyearnewme2025 · 14/02/2025 22:08

BlondiePortz · 14/02/2025 22:02

It seems if you don't help with grandchildren their parents are not going to help you

General use of you

All a bit sad really this 'I won't help you unless you help me' thing

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it is very sad! and very disappointing!

it almost boarders on coercive and controlling doesn't it. if you don't help us, we won't help you!

i'll be honest, i've seen this coming, and when or if i reach those years that i need help, i've already made provision for.

but when did it all change. when i was young, it was almost your duty to look after your parents in their old age. it was my job to visit them, take the kids to visit, invite and taxi to lunches etc and i never once expected anything in return. i enabled my kids to have a fond relationship with their grandparents... but today, its a sad state of affairs when you know if you don't exhaust yourself running round after your childrens children, then you won't be getting any help when your time comes.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 14/02/2025 22:09

Op not coming back because they don't like the answers? Grandparents don't owe childcare.

Ashleighz88 · 14/02/2025 22:14

@newyearnewme2025 well I don't know your specific circumstances but I know I enjoy my child, I love being with him. The only time I ask my parents to help is when I am working or have another commitment. I'd rather be with my child, I don't ask just to go out drinking or non important things. So it's not a case of growing up for us.

My parents will ask to have my child as they enjoy having him (although I know it's hard work). They will also acknowledge when I'm burnt out and will insist on giving us a break. As I said, it goes both ways, we could not be more appreciative, and we don't only contact them for childcare, I see and speak to them everyday and enjoy time with my parents.

I do know that I'll be doing the same for my son in the future if he has children and I'm lucky enough to be able to.

Snowmanscarf · 14/02/2025 22:15

I never expected my parents or in-laws to provide regular childcare for my kids, but they are still part of their grandchildren’s lives.

Myotherusernameiswaybetter · 14/02/2025 22:15

I moved closer to family when I had kids. The grandparents were not interested and only saw the kids occasionally and no babysitting. So we moved back to be closer to our friends when we have a village and all help each other. Now the grandparents are older and need help, and have been told they can have help but they have to move closer to us. They can’t understand why we won’t move back.

newyearnewme2025 · 14/02/2025 22:17

Ashleighz88 · 14/02/2025 22:14

@newyearnewme2025 well I don't know your specific circumstances but I know I enjoy my child, I love being with him. The only time I ask my parents to help is when I am working or have another commitment. I'd rather be with my child, I don't ask just to go out drinking or non important things. So it's not a case of growing up for us.

My parents will ask to have my child as they enjoy having him (although I know it's hard work). They will also acknowledge when I'm burnt out and will insist on giving us a break. As I said, it goes both ways, we could not be more appreciative, and we don't only contact them for childcare, I see and speak to them everyday and enjoy time with my parents.

I do know that I'll be doing the same for my son in the future if he has children and I'm lucky enough to be able to.

and you are very lucky. as i've said, i do have that relationship with one child, they live locally. i agree that a relationship works both ways.

i wonder if its a gendar thing? the child that lives locally is my daughter, the ones who live away where its more challenging are sons?

i

Ashleighz88 · 14/02/2025 22:20

@BlondiePortz I think the point is being completely missed. It's not about "I'm only helping if you help with the grandchildren". This is what family is for is it not?? To help each other out, absolutely no one is expecting grandparents to take over being a parent. They are asking for a helping hand, if retired parents can't offer a helping hand to their children anymore it's a very sad state we are getting to.

If grandparents are still working or unfit, then fair enough but to say you have free time but just don't want to help is just crazy to me, I will help my children out until the day I'm not longer here .

newyearnewme2025 · 14/02/2025 22:21

Myotherusernameiswaybetter · 14/02/2025 22:15

I moved closer to family when I had kids. The grandparents were not interested and only saw the kids occasionally and no babysitting. So we moved back to be closer to our friends when we have a village and all help each other. Now the grandparents are older and need help, and have been told they can have help but they have to move closer to us. They can’t understand why we won’t move back.

but why is helping your parents dependant on the help they gave you with your children? your parents raised you before you had children, does that not count for something?

when you say they only saw your children occasionally, why? how much effort did you make? or was it just expected that as you had moved closer it was your parents who had to be so grateful that they had once again to make all the effort?