Grandparents who don’t help

[BeRubyMaker]

Hi does anyone else experience lack of any interest and help from grandparents who otherwise intimate they want to help and are so interested in their grandkids to other people. When it comes to the crunch though they are nowhere to be seen. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked and even then it’s hard work-I’ve not been well, what time will you be back lalalala….. It’s so sad for our kids they miss out on time with grandparents. I would have thought they’d love to be involved, always going on about having grandkids before they had any and how they’d always be at hand if needed. When we were little out grandparents always used to be around. It’s not as if both our sets of parents work, both lots retired and stuck at home doing nothing basically. Unless you count watching TV, reading, lolling about on the couch on Facebook etc etc. I cannot fathom why they do not want to be a part of their grandkids’ lives I find it so upsetting and feel so angry about it. Our kids won’t be young forever. Maybe it is just me? Does anyone else feel the same?

I am a "Grandma in waiting" If and when I am presented with some DGC I sincerely hope I shall be able to help out when needed.My own parents babysat ,and DGM would come with me on the bus (I didnt drive then) Holding Baby ,and I would take the pushchair. I have had Cancer treatment, and in the dark times I would try to think positive and get well for future DGC. I think DGP who dont work ,and cream off the parties and picnics are incredibly selfish .Also as they get older they will have missed out on a lot .As a child I loved staying WE with my Nan and Grandad ,trips out to St Albans and Southend,making Coconut Ice ,playing for hours in their lovely big garden.

Looking after children is hard work, and physically pretty demanding for anyone over 60+. So there's that.
Also, who wants to be taken for granted as unpaid childcare?
Grandparents have done their bit already.

do you not believe that there is a difference between helping out when needed, and being expected to provide childcare? grandparents are getting younger and younger, and lots are still working full time jobs as the retirement age now is so high? what happens to our lives, our relationships with friends, partners, other children when the grandchildren arrive? do we have to give all that up? i love my grandchildren i really do, and as i've said, i'll help out if they are in a bind, but i want a relationship with ALL my children and their partners and their children, i don't just want a child dumping on me, taking up my time and taking me away from MY friends and family just so THEY can live their lives?

i really don't understand in this day and age why grandparents lives are less important than their childrens lives? i still want to live and enjoy life, but i also need to work and i still have other family too.. no wonder lots of grandparents are exhausted

Quite simply, if they don't want to help - that's fine, but they will never have a close relationship with their Grandchildren. So pretending they are Grandparents of the year and fully involved just wont wash. My children couldn't care less about one set of GP's, because those GP's 'had their own lives to live' once they retired and didn't want to be involved in my children's lives. Now the GP's are in their 80s and less mobile, they want their family around them, I do take great pleasure telling my GPs the children have 'their own lives to live' now.

Absolute nonsense. My grandma never looked after me once. We had a wonderful relationship, sharing many joys. We loved each other until the day she died. It's 20 years and I miss her still.

My mum would rather have been shopping or on holiday.
Can't say I blame her really. Life is short.

Maybe nonsense for you but not for me. My involved GPs have a great relationship with my kids. The other set of GPs - definitely not, because they couldn't be arsed. You reap what you sow.

When it comes to the crunch though they are nowhere to be seen. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked and even then it’s hard work-

Sorry but it sounds like you just want free childcare.
They've earned the right to "loll obout" they're retired!
I'm a grandparent and I see my grandchildren pretty regular, whether I go to them or they come to me ..but that's the difference, I'm a grandparent, not free childcare for when it suits their parents!

Sorry, but unless you are an actual DGM you have no idea how you are going to feel. You may be drained and not up for it . There would be absolutely no reason to think that’s selfish . That would be selfish on the parents to dump them off. What do you mean cream off the parties and picnics ? That’s a rather bizarre way of looking at family connections and fun times together. Grandparents and grandchildren can still build a bond because they are actually in their lives. I do look after my grandchild and she has sleepovers, and I love her to bits but it is also a responsibility and quite exhausting at times . Don’t knock grandparents who are not up for it .

I am an ‘involved’ grandmother. I am, for example, looking after various combinations of the five of them this weekend, one afternoon to help out, one day because there’s an event I and some of them will enjoy. I do school pick-ups fairly often, and I take them individually and severally to clubs and hobbies if their parents can’t.

But… it’s never expected of me, and I’ve never been made to feel guilty if I say no. Plus (and this is huge) I have a relationship with my sons and their wives, and they make sure I am involved (and vice-versa) in both the fun and everyday stuff, with and without my grandchildren. That is where the real relationship with my grandchildren comes from, and it’s what will hopefully ensure it lasts even if (when) I can’t, or am not needed, for childcare.

Mine weren't interested and I have always felt envious of those families where the grandparents are such enthusiastic participants in their children and grandchildren's lives. But my parents were never the sort to spend much time with their own children. They didn't play with us and we were expected to be seen and not heard. And ideally not seen either.

Somehow it was disappointing and unsurprising at the same time but, in all honesty, I never really wanted to expose my children to my mother unless I was there to supervise (her, not them)

i agree! as i've said previously i have 4 GC, 3 of them i'm just unpaid childcare and a wallet. the other, i feel like i am actually wanted and welcomed into their little family, i've be asked 'if i'm free for a walk' of 'do you fancy a coffee?' and not just 'can you have so and so for an hour while i get my nails done?'

thats the difference.. its the relationship with the whole family thats important to me and from it comes a relationship with the child

We’ve had zero help on either side. We even had our oldest on our wedding night with us. 4 kids oldest an adult and we’ve only had them watched twice in that entire time. But I don’t think badly of any of them I chose to have them and they’re my responsibility. Would some help or a break along the way have been nice, yes definitely but no one ultimately owes us anything.

However my MIL would insist on pictures for her social media 🙄 while having zero interest in the kids at all, she even pronounces my youngest name completely wrong. This all bothers me !

But approaching 40 and having brought up 4 kids near on single handed as husband worked away, I don’t want to be in babysitting grandchildren at my next part of life either 🤣

The reality is that grandparents won't have a close relationship with their grandchildren unless they spend some time with them and invest in the relationships. My aunt, who sees her grandchildren 2-3 times a year if that, was surprised that the younger one, who's barely a toddler, didn't recognise her when they visited and wouldn't come for a cuddle. But what can you expect really?

I disagree with expecting grandparents to do regular childcare, but on the other hand they do have to fit in with family life and there's no doubt that the grandparent who is willing to take a DC to football once in a while, go to a school event which the parents can't make or do the occasional bit of homework with the kids is going to be more welcome as a visitor than the one that never mucks in because "they've done their time".

Adore my grandchildren and my daughter too. Happy to help in any way I can with GC. But much of the time I have them with me as I love them and enjoy their company.
Cheesy as it is they are such a blessing and joy. And I wouldn't miss the relationship we have no matter how hard or tiring it is.

I would love my father in law and his wife to be involved with my child. Not at all for free childcare, but for my child to have a relationship with them.
They do live some distance away, but it's less than 2 hours, and a relatively easy route. They haven't been to our house in over 5 years and we see them about once a year, occasionally twice.
They have never spent Christmas Day with my child.
However my husband has a step sibling who lives locally to them, with older children (their youngest is 5 years older than mine). They spent lots of time with them, babysitting, school run, taking them out, presumably having a lovely time great memories and a relationship.

I see other children having grandparents taking them out, school run, school trips, etc but not for our child.

My husband and I both had childhoods where we visited grandparents regularly, stayed over, etc, and it makes me so sad that my child doesn't get this. We live much further away from my parent, but see much more of them.

It's so sad when grandparents can't be bothered with their grandchildren.

Can it not be a bit of a balance? You do Sunday lunch to give them a break. They invite you to parties, you babysit a couple of times a year so they can have some time. You seem to have only want the fun stuff provided for you and not be happy to help out occasionally. Families don't really work like that and I feel like grandparents with your attitude might get a shock when they get old and their kids have no motivation to help them with anything.

I don’t truly know how I’ll feel by the time I get to that age, but what I do know is I won’t get to enjoy the long retirement my parents had. So I doubt I’ll have the time to be childcare and judging by how I feel now I’ll be too knackered and playing catch up at the weekends to offer any kind of help.
My parents and inlaws all retired between 55-60. We will be working until 68 at an absolute minimum. Possibly even 70 the rate retirement age seems to be heading. Not a chance am I spending the minuscule amount of retirement I’ll get looking after young children again

Early attachement issues.
Solidarity: you are, sadly, not alone.

My parents had 4 children and I ended up living with my darling grandad (my mother didn't want to dirty her hands on his care,so I ended up doing it)

My brothers where farmed out to anyone who would have them-aunts,unckes,friends-she wasn't fussy

I had my own kids,if you where to listen to my mother,she was the best granny ever

Would drop everything for them,helped me out all the time (as I wasn't coping),would tell funny stories about them as if she saw it first hand and supported us financially

It was all utter bollocks-she never dropped anything for them-shed tell me to fuck off

I was coping-i had no choice,she wasn't around in my lower moments

Any funny stories where at least 3rd hand and details changed so much it was a lie

And she would never part with a penny for us-shed buy their birthday and Christmas presents-then charge me for them along with any others costs

I'm nc now but looking back,I pity her

She will never know the true,unconditional love of her gc

My son and his girlfriend had my first gc last year and I'm itching to be asked to babysit her (and will for any other babies)

Believe me i have tried! we have to watch our gc grow up on social media! we are regularly offering invites, come for tea, are you free such and such a day, can we pop in? but they only ever asked us to have GC when they need childcare, and as i have said, we are happy to help out, but there's a fine line between helping out and being taken advantage of! I'm not sure what you mean by 'my attitude?'. when you then times this by 4 as we have 4 GC, how do i find the time to work full time, take care of my own home, have a relationship with my husband, see friends, have a social life AND baby sit for 4 different families every week 'to help out?' Should i as a grandparent not have a life, just so that i can look after the grandchildren so that their parents can have a life?

This thread is very sad, my parents are very involved, they are my child's favourite people. I feel so lucky to have them and it works both ways, we will do anything to help them out. To me this is what family is all about, helping each other out.

Memories with grandparents are some of my favourite memories as a child, it's so sad so many children do not get this now, judging by the replies on this thread it seems it's more common to have uninterested grandparents. I wonder if these grandparents would expect to be cared for in old age by their children/grandchildren?

If my child has children when he is older we will be doing our hardest to offer as much help and support as we can. Raising children takes a village and society is moving further away from that. It's sad.

i genuinely don't think its uninterested grandparents. i just think that nowadays more and more young families need both parents to work, and grandparents are getting younger and younger, and they also need to work, and they simply don't have enough hours in the day to offer the kind of help and support these young families expect from their parents.

im my day (and i can't believe i have used that term), i stopped working full time and went part time so that i didn't need to rely on peope for childcare. my parents passed away when i was very young, my husbands parents lived too far away, were too old and or too busy to offer any kind of help, yet my children doted on those grandparents because we made the effort.

it seems to be that nowadays, youngsters expect everything to be given too them and done for them by their parents, and when our children were very young we made so much effort to give them a good life, and now they are adults WE are the ones who have to make the effort if we want a good relationship with our grandchildren.

You are 100% right especially as they don’t involve you in their life at all apart from babysitting .

@newyearnewme2025 Your original post was very much we'll never do childcare, but I'll happily come to parties. That was what I was responding to. I also don't think people should expect regular childcare I am talking about a few times a year offering to babysit, also doing the hosting. That kind of give and take, on both parts. If you feel like you're being taken advantage of then that isn't right.