Grandparents who don’t help

[BeRubyMaker]

Hi does anyone else experience lack of any interest and help from grandparents who otherwise intimate they want to help and are so interested in their grandkids to other people. When it comes to the crunch though they are nowhere to be seen. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked and even then it’s hard work-I’ve not been well, what time will you be back lalalala….. It’s so sad for our kids they miss out on time with grandparents. I would have thought they’d love to be involved, always going on about having grandkids before they had any and how they’d always be at hand if needed. When we were little out grandparents always used to be around. It’s not as if both our sets of parents work, both lots retired and stuck at home doing nothing basically. Unless you count watching TV, reading, lolling about on the couch on Facebook etc etc. I cannot fathom why they do not want to be a part of their grandkids’ lives I find it so upsetting and feel so angry about it. Our kids won’t be young forever. Maybe it is just me? Does anyone else feel the same?

Because you are asking the parents - probably two working parents with very very little free time - to commit that time to you, but you won’t share any of your free time to help them.
Which is your right to ask. But don’t get resentful if they say no.

Even without the complications of separated families, I think bonds with grandparents are formed when children are small. When kids are in their teens, it's probably a bit too late - they're pushing the parents they love away at that stage, so what hope do grandparents who they don't really know have?

You don't mention in your post whether you had a close relationship with your grandchildren when they were tiny, but teens (and probably pre-teens to some extent) is often too late to start forging a relationship. Kids just really want to be with their peers then, they're not old enough to properly value family, they often just tolerate their doting parents and if they are affectionate and interested towards grandparents, it's based on those early memories and bonds forged - "Remember when I used to sit on your knee and play your guitar, Grandad", "remember when we grew sunflowers in the garden, Grandma". Grandparents are often valuable as a link to childhood for teens - they're part of the cosy furniture of childhood that older children like revisiting now and then. And often you need that close relationship, and the memory of cute little people who thought you were wonderful, to be able to put up with teen grandchildren.

What a load of bitter twaddle. I look after my GC because I want to, I love them and it's so rewarding.

There is a lot of research that helping out with the grandkids keeps you younger and fitter. So I will certainly be trying to help out in moderation if I have any grandchildren.

You hope that you have a healthy relationship with your children that as adults you can both communicate and see eachothers side. I had children young I've missed out on travelling and hobbies so I am hoping they will give me some time to enjoy my life a bit carefree before/if grandchildren arrive. But I know what it's like to be in hospital and my mum say no she can't help for one day with my then one very calm child. I want my children to know in emergencies, I'm there for them and their children.

I do really want to do the sleepovers I have such fond memories of sleepovers at my nan and grandads. I'm less inclined to offer weekly childcare but will certainly help where I can. I likely will still be working well into my 70s.

Mostly I want to know my potential grandchildren for who they are. I think that's the saddest part of having no extended family be interested in your children. We have these amazing humans developing and no one wants to know them but us. It puts a huge amount of pressure on us to be everything. It puts a huge amount of stress on our marriage. We've never had a night away or a holiday just us. Going for meals or dates has to center around school/nursery times or just at home.

We've had the flu/chicken pox/hospital stay in the last few weeks even just someone to drop a meal round or a text would of been lovely.

We have provided care and support for family but it has made us feel less like offering support. We certainly put our family first now as it isn't reciprocal.

When the grandparents work as well what do you expect them to do?

Do the children's parents have time to see thier friends, other family, go out? They need to make time .

Funny how it's just grandparents who are expected to help, friends and other relatives are happily visited but grandparents are expected to take on childminding duties.

But if time is Limited you’ve made it clear your grandchildren aren’t your top priority, then it’s reasonable to expect that you’ll not be their top priority.
You can’t just cherry pick all the fun bits.

Maybe they’re the village?
I know when my DC were small it was my friends who got me through. Not my immediate family.

I can think of umpteen times when my friends would ring each other because 1 DC had smashed their head into a car door and we needed someone to watch other one ehile
we ran to the docs, or text and say ‘kids being vile, let’s get out’ and throw together a completely random fridge picnic and head to the woods or something to let them just burn energy
some of those days were friggin awful, some turned out to be great fun, but none of them were perfectly curated grandparent experiences and as a GP you wouldn’t get them unless your DC/IL knew they could message and say ‘I need help!’
the pay off now is that my teen DC are more comfortable with my adult friends than some
of their GPs

@lucindalucinsa so do I. I love watching my grandchild. But I see a lot of my friends being overloaded with childcare duties and I can imagine it could easily get too much, particularly if there are 2 or more sets of grandchildren. I just hate the attitude on here that childcare is a duty grandparents need to perform. Many people my age are still working AND have frail parents needing help. Childcare is not always a reasonable or fair expectation.

Since when did being involved mean providing free childcare?

I had a lovely relationship with my grandparents in both sides. Never once did they provide free childcare for my parents. Way too many grandchildren to go that route tbh. They were still involved in our lives, but as a family and the odd sleepover - not for childcare purposes, just because.

PILs did a day's childcare a week for us - their choice and they'd have done more but we chose a nursery alongside them. My parents worked so childcare wasn't an option. We didn't need much babysitting in evenings/weekends. As a young adult, dd still has a fabulous relationship with her grandparents on both sides - the childcare made no difference to her bind with either set. She loves/loved them equally and was just as close to both sets.

Both sets of parents were involved in dd's live, as well as ours. We saw them regularly and was in touch often.

Free childcare isn't the only way a grandparent can be involved in their grandchild's life!

I find that quite cheeky. You want the good stuff but won’t do any work.

They are grandparents.
It's their role to get the good stuff.
They did the hard slog before, bringing up their own children!

Mumsnet is weird. I don't know any healthy grandparents in real life who don't help out with their grandchildren. Some grandparents also work part time as well. I do a fair bit of childcare for my grandchildren but also manage lots of holidays, outings and have a social life as well

@newyearnewme2025 the same mother said to me, after I was raped 400 miles away away from home, "at least he didn't strangle you afterwards" and then hung up on me.

I guess my in laws do help out with their grandchildren, except that it's not my child, just the step sister's children. Not that we have ever asked, just used nursery and wraparound care. But my child has no relationship with their grandparents, and probably never will as they are rapidly getting to that independent age where parents are barely tolerated.

There’s lots of different types of help though. It’s not all taking children for full days every week.
Sometimes it might be babysitting to go out, but also just sitting with the children whilst you get on, or even emotional support that sometimes parenting can be hard. It might be picking up some shopping when you are stuck in the house with a poorly child or a prescription.

MIL used fo ring up and pretend cry because she hadn’t seen her GD in so long, when we were there she didn’t even engage with her. She wanted DH to come and pay attention to her so just used her as an excuse.
Her mum wasn’t in the best health but she spent time with them, she used to walk them to and from summer club and then get them snacks. It’s not all running after a toddler.

This

Thanks to everyone for your posts I note there is a wide range of opinion. I understand grandparents are not obliged to help. My point really is that I think it is such a shame and I cannot understand why they would not want to spend time with them. We have always paid for childcare nurseries we only wanted a few hours to ourselves to go for a meal Saturday evenings. We both work full time and both set of grandparents do not work and distance for both is no issue. One set is a five minute walk away, the other have a flat 15 minutes away. All in good health. They continually said they would help out one day a week-it never materialised. Why say it? They are all in good health, distance is no object, one set of grandparents has never worked and the others are retired and bought a flat 15 minutes away for the sole purpose of being closer to our kids which again they hardly ever visit and only turn up if there is a meal going or party on! My point is why bother saying you’ll offer and getting the grandkids hopes up in the first place, and why would they not want to be a part of their lives and spend time with them when they are not doing anything else all week. They otherwise make out they are so family orientated to other people. Neither particularly socialise. They are at home virtually all the time. I know they are not obligated to do so and it doesn’t particular matter -as we have paid for our day childcare throughout. It would just have been nice for a few hours at a weekend to have an offer of them helping out for three or four hours on a Saturday. I was always with my grandma as was my husband when we were younger. When we go out we didn’t expect them to put the grandkids to bed. All they needed to do was sit with them. We always did them an cooked evening meal, left drinks and snacks out for them so no jobs to do.
Anyway, our kids are old enough now to come out with us if we do not get a babysitter, think it is just a shame the grandparents have missed out on this time with the grandkids they were young.
I will certainly be helping out with any I have knowing what I now do.

I think that is very wrong of them. Unless something changed health wise etc, if they promised a day of childcare they should have kept their promise. And yes, they are missing out if they’re not making any effort at all to spend time with their grandchildren.

We were shipped off to Grand parents when we were young so my parents could spend weekends away indulging in their respective sports.

They haven't been that interested in their own Grand children, its all very superficial and my kids always complained if the Grand parents ever did baby sit.

The did get involved with a nursery pick up once a week and baby sat for a couple of hours as I thought it would be nice for all Involved but it would never last for long as they were VERY busy!

It was a massive surprise to me how odd they would be a GP’s
I've come to terms with it now but it has tainted my relationship with my parents.

I want to have a relationship with my own GC when or if that time finally comes. I will also support with childcare where possible and I will 100% be the polar opposite of my parents.

Why was it a surprise? They didn't want to spend time with their own children why would they want to sacrifice time for your children?

It's not cheeky at all. There is a balance there and it's clearly stated but none of it is to provide childcare. There are so many grandmothers (always the grandmothers) who are forced or coerced or pressurised into providing childcare because of money. It's not on.

I applaud women who are clear on what they will and won't be prepared to do in the way of childcare for grandchildren. Everybody knows where they stand then.

If find it sad that some posters think the only route to a good relationship is to provide childcare. You do it if you want, leave others to their own decisions and stop making snide judgements of them.

It sounds like you need help with childcare and general help? I get the exhaustion.
some grandparents are just exhausted too, as you age you become less able and way more tired / less cognitive and aware, maybe young children are too much for them if they’re the main caregiver in an environment (ie you are not there). This is normal, yes even if they’re in their 50’s.

Maybe invite them over for dinner with no mention for months about needing help? See if they mention things that will give you a clue. They may just like to visit, see everyone then leave. Grandparents are not there to automatically be childcare.

Yes of course grandparents love to brag about their children, but not childmind - I think that’s fairly normal!
both ours, one set have been very involved from the start, but they struggle more now even though themselves are fit. The other set have never and just are not able, both sets equally love them dearly.

I think a good place to start as parents is to aim to not expect anything from anyone - exhausting as it can be at times.

Maybe ask friends or pay childminders to have children if you need to do a special something? If friends repay the favour so you all get a chance.

Don't have kids if your expectation is that other people will look after them. OP's attitude sound somewhat entitled to me.

It’s not cheeky but if the other grandparents are helping more and supporting they’ll get first dibs on big events and obviously will be closer. My mum helped and supported me so much that she deserved the Easter dinner invite that my mil demanded as she wanted all the fun showy stuff but it doesn’t work like that