Grandparents who don’t help

[BeRubyMaker]

Hi does anyone else experience lack of any interest and help from grandparents who otherwise intimate they want to help and are so interested in their grandkids to other people. When it comes to the crunch though they are nowhere to be seen. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked and even then it’s hard work-I’ve not been well, what time will you be back lalalala….. It’s so sad for our kids they miss out on time with grandparents. I would have thought they’d love to be involved, always going on about having grandkids before they had any and how they’d always be at hand if needed. When we were little out grandparents always used to be around. It’s not as if both our sets of parents work, both lots retired and stuck at home doing nothing basically. Unless you count watching TV, reading, lolling about on the couch on Facebook etc etc. I cannot fathom why they do not want to be a part of their grandkids’ lives I find it so upsetting and feel so angry about it. Our kids won’t be young forever. Maybe it is just me? Does anyone else feel the same?

It is a shame but I think it is their right to decide not to be actively involved. It’s not an obligation…

@newyearnewme2025 distance definitely makes a difference. You sound like a lovely grandparent that is helping as much as you can

I agree if children move away then that's on them, if the distance is a problem they need to move closer. I also think it's harder for grandparents with multiple chidren and multiple grandchildren. My parents only have 2 grandchildren and we are all very close so we all chip in.

I think generally daughters tend to stick with their mums more, hence sons moving further away to be with their wives families. However, my brother is very close to my parents so I'm hoping my son will be the same.

but why must grandparents have to help? why is it expected of them to help? what do you mean by 'free time'. what about the grandparents needs? their social life? their hobbies? their friends?

i agree that if nana is litterally, sat on the sofa twiddling her thumbs with litterally nothing to do, and they refuse to help, then thats off. but to expect nana to cancel lunch plans with the bridge club to help out.. thats not fair surely?

it'll be interesting to come back to this thread when you are in your older years, your children are grown up and they have children of their own if your view has changed, because i bet it will have done.

most people on this threat with your view are clearly young parents, or not even parents at all yet!

i love and care for all my children deeply, but sometimes, you have to just throw them out of the nest and hope they fly.

I find it odd people like my Dad visit his grand children a few times a year yet does 2 full days a week childcare for his girlfriend's grandson, who is the same age as my son.

My two kids absolutely adore him and it's more than he deserves. When they grow up and start to see him for what he is it will be his loss.

I pay the nursery for childcare, all I want is my Dad to want to spend a bit of time with his family. Completely on his terms, whenever and wherever suits him but even that seems beyond him.

We all make choices in life, he'll need me before I need him.

My mum always wanted to be a good grandmother, but when she finally became one she was in poor health and she died when my youngest was a toddler. My Mil wasn’t really an invested grandmother, she just saw the light when my kids were already teens. Which was just in time. Grandparents owe you nothing, but if they choose just to sit around on the couch watching telly or browsing facebook …instead of spending time with you and your kids, that just hurts. It feels like they are making the wrong decision.

Well then the younger generations are under no obligation to visit them in retirement or nursing homes.

It cuts both ways.

@newyearnewme2025
I accept that your situation is very different from mine. We are older. We were both winding down to retirement and working part time when our children first gave birth. Does your husband not help? My husband enjoys having the grandchildren as much as me and does as much of the caring as me,
I do not agree with you that your own children should be grateful to you for bringing them up. It was your decision to have children. You should expect to bring the children you wanted up.

So ignoring the years of love and care they provided for THEIR children. The amount of reciprocal care depends on what they did for their grandchildren. Interesting

I agree. My mum helps me a lot and I help her but that is because we want to

i find this very interesting also...

so if i can get my head round this; my child will only care for me if I have activiely cared for my childs child and this is my fault becuase i chose to have a child?

Bit sad about your dad but your last comment was a bit of spiteful revenge. He may not need you . He may have his girlfriend and has made his own provisions.

what does my husband have to do with this? you've made an assumption a) there is a husband and b) they are physically fit and able to help?

in answer to your question, my husband works full time, as i do! of course he would like to spend time with his children and grandchildren as much as i do! he dotes on his grandchildren as i do!

of course your children should have some respect and appreciation for the years you have cared and raised them? Yes i chose to have children and i gave them the best childhood i possibly could! and yes, they should have some appreciation for that. They in turn have chosen to have children, i've not made them have children, they have made an adult decision to do so... I've parented my children, and they in turn can parent theirs.. its not my job to parent my childrens children?

Yep, I went through the same. Although I never remember my grand parents looking after me as a child. Remember it all swings in roundabouts. They don't help with childcare, so you don't help with elder care.

and how much effort do you put in to making this relationship happen?

i think it horrific.. its emotional blackmail! if you dont look after your own grandchildren i will not look after you?

its all take take take.. no consideration for the grandparents at all! i know for a fact my DD does not expect me to look after her child. we enjoy spending time with her and my GC but i most certainly don't do it out of fear of being abandoned by my child in my later years!

@newyearnewme2025 I absolutely would not expect my parents to cancel plans if they have them, I wouldn't even ask. My parents offer to help, they are never pressured.

My view will not change when I get older, I will do as I've seen with my own parents and help out with my grandchildren as much as I possibly can. That does not mean my parents don't have their own time or lives, because they do.

I know how much I appreciate the help, I will be giving this to my child no matter what.

I think it comes down to parenting style too. I personality expect to be parenting to some degree until the day I die, and by parenting I mean being there for my children way past 18, and offering a support system to help them when they themselves become parents. As my own parents have done for me.

Perhaps offer to have your parents over for dinner and you cook and cleanup for them like they did you for many years

"After everything I've done for you"

My mum said that to us a lot as kids. I would never say that to my child, nor expect her to reciprocate the care I've given her. She has never asked for anything, and certainly didn't ask me to do that.

Whether or not I'll be fit and able enough to babysit for her is some way off just yet, but in no world would I expect her to spend the time she should be with her kids, cooking and washing up after me, just because I did it for her when she was unable to do it for herself.

Well you did already say that you had a husband. You said you had 6 children between you. The way you complained was as though you had to do all the childcare.
I feel it is an honour and a privilege for us care for our grandchildren. They love coming to stay. Our children certainly do not expect it.
No our children should not have to be grateful for being brought up. They did not ask to be born!

You are definitely not alone OP. I was in a similar situation when mine were little, and also found it sad. My parents were long gone before my dc were born so only have inlaws. They'd always say yes if we asked them to have the kids for a few hours (perhaps a handful of times a year/overnight once or twice a year) and said they enjoyed it. But they that would be it.

I would hate asking, but had no other childcare options and really wanted my kids to be close to their gp's (who live a ten mins walk away). We would spend time together all of us as a family mostly, which was nice too. Both gp's were retired and fit and also not massively busy. I also feel it's their loss.

If I get to retire at 55ish and am fit and healthy and blessed with local grandkids, I would love to have them frequently and bond with them and be a big part of their lives. It's just not something that can be forced unfortunately.

I actually think it's fair. If grandparents aren't interested in the grandchildren and help.out.in dire emergencies, then they have no right to.assume we'd help.with elderly care. They can outsource it.like we had to. We can still visit and chat, but no elder care.

@newyearnewme2025 but you are saying that your own kids should appreciate the fact you brought them up? This never makes sense to me as a parent when I hear this statement

My child did not ask to be born, in fact he was very much wanted by us, so it's on us to raise him. He should not need to be appreciative of us raising him, we're the ones that made him!

We've created him, we will do what we can to support him through life, as we should.

My mum was very clear with me. She wasn't going to be my childcare for my child. She did support us in many other ways, including bringing us freshly cooked food or food for the freezer. She also babysat occasionally and even once or twice stayed overnight. She was retired but had to care for my ill and difficult father at home. Yes, I was slightly envious of friends and neighbours who seemed to have caring Mums and MILs over all the time, helping them go to events and back to work, but every family is different.

How old was your grandma when she became a grandma?
how old were your parents/in laws when they became grandparents
My Nan was 53 when I was born.
My mum was 68 when my son was born and my In laws were about the same. My dad died at 63, 6 years before my son was born.

my mum is on the highest level of attendance allowance due to age related physical decline. so practically speaking is useless and requires my support rather than being any use. and my much healthier mother in law leaves the house once a week to go to shopping, she’s got terrible sciatica

its ten years since they became grandparents. We have never stayed at my in laws for more than 4 hours, we have a great meal made for us, but that’s it, they have never cared for the kids independently, no sleep overs or days out. But they pay for great gifts and buy thermal underwear regularly ;)

would love a weekend with my husband, but parents arent going to be the way.

It doesn’t really affect me as the only living GP to my kids is a lovely MIL who lives a 7 hour drive away but my almost 100 year old grandmother often says she wishes she ‘could just pop round to take the boys out for ice cream’. That’s the kind of grandmother she was to my sibling & I, and the one I hope to be. She didn’t provide ‘childcare’, my parents worked shifts so someone was always at home but they’d have us the odd Saturday night, they enjoyed our company almost as much as mum enjoyed the break!

Even my mum’s old friends have more interest in my children than some of my friend’s parents do in their own grandchildren. Of course no one owes anyone anything but it’s a bit sad.

@Hdjdb42 I agree.

@newyearnewme2025
The reasoning behind this is because helping your children to look after grandchildren shows true selfless, unconditional support, because there is no requirement for grandparents to do it.

Many have said in this thread "if you choose to have kids then it's your responsibility to raise them", therefore the grandparents that do step in and create these beautiful bonds with their grandchildren show true character.

Whereas saying "well I raised my own kids" doesn't hold the same respect because you had no choice in that, it was your responsibility to raise your own children.