Grandparents who don’t help

[BeRubyMaker]

Hi does anyone else experience lack of any interest and help from grandparents who otherwise intimate they want to help and are so interested in their grandkids to other people. When it comes to the crunch though they are nowhere to be seen. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get help to mind the kids for a couple of hours and they never offer, always have to be asked and even then it’s hard work-I’ve not been well, what time will you be back lalalala….. It’s so sad for our kids they miss out on time with grandparents. I would have thought they’d love to be involved, always going on about having grandkids before they had any and how they’d always be at hand if needed. When we were little out grandparents always used to be around. It’s not as if both our sets of parents work, both lots retired and stuck at home doing nothing basically. Unless you count watching TV, reading, lolling about on the couch on Facebook etc etc. I cannot fathom why they do not want to be a part of their grandkids’ lives I find it so upsetting and feel so angry about it. Our kids won’t be young forever. Maybe it is just me? Does anyone else feel the same?

@Cornishclio I assume your family income is very good? Because most of us can not afford to go part time. Personally dealing with peri and menopause, parents and in laws getting ill/having falls and dying, and working, was the most challenging time of my life. I was the one struggling, but having to support everyone else.
Sometimes I feel like middle aged women always come last every single time.

I'd argue that you can also miss out if you're tethered to childcare arrangements in your later years. I've heard grandparents saying that they'd love to spend a month somewhere with friends or take a cruise but they can't because they have the grandchildren every week and it would cause too much trouble.

I think time with grandparents is important but you also benefit from grandparents who live their own lives and have experiences to tell you about.

The problem comes when people start relying on the help. My Dsis has looked after her GC 1 day a week since birth, working the other 4 days. She's the only grandparent available as she's divorced, her ex has another family to support and works full time though he has the GC at weekends for babysitting. One of the other GP died twenty years ago and the other, sadly, died a couple of years ago. So she's the only one who can help during the week.

The parents have come to rely on the help. But my DSis is now struggling financially. She's on her own and now needs to work 5 days a week just to keep paying the bills. So she's had to tell them that she can't help once GC starts school shortly. But she's now found out there's another GC on the way. It made it a hard conversation. Luckily both parents understood but it'll be a major belt tightening exercise on their part.

Unfortunately, when you rely on family, things will change. Unexpected changes in health, someone (like my DSis) having to increase hours at work, moving away on either side of the equation whether that's for work or for retirement.

Appreciating help is fine but I'd never rely on it - too many variables.

@LondonJax @WhatNoRaisins

Yes circumstances can change and parents should realise that grandparents sometimes need to change working hours or go on extended holiday when retired. Ultimately the children are the parents responsibility so we never had a problem saying to our daughter we couldn't have the grandchildren if we were on holiday or visiting family etc etc and they understood that. Luckily my son in laws parents also were retired so we would swap out days sometimes or my daughter or son in law would book leave. They also used nursery/pre school as back up. Not everyone can do that.

Yes I once had a funeral to attend all agreed couple of weeks before and in a nutshell they said hurry up I’m waiting to go get pissed I’d rather not be here. This was 1pm in the afternoon. Never asked again unless it was an emergency. I can’t imagine being that selfish if I’m honest with you. Wasn’t even a important day out was a last minute get together and they very rarely had any contact anyway since a baby

I think it’s different if the grandparents in question work or are in poor health. But if they’re retired, youngish and in good health, I find it a bit sad if they won’t even offer to babysit for a few hours once a month or so. Sure it isn’t the law that they have to help, but it’s a dim view of family to think your only obligations to them should be what you are legally compelled to do (aka nothing). Why bother having a family at all if this is your outlook?

Of course all caveats included about toxic relatives, grandparents who live 200 miles away, children with complex needs etc

Exactly, because while everyone is saying that grandparents don’t owe anything, they forget that they are often the ones putting pressure on their children to have kids, making promises of help that they quickly go back on. I know people whose parents rarely visit their grandkids but get touchy when they make their rare visits and the grandkids aren’t rushing out to hug them and make them feel like the adored grandparents they don’t behave as.

I think being interested in your grandchildren and wanting to do childcare are 2 different things. My grandparents were interested in us and we saw them regularly if infrequently as they didn’t live nearby. We visited them as a family and if they came to see us we did things together my parents didn’t regard them as free babysitters and disappear. I was the same with my children. We visited them as a family. You do get tired more easily as you age and are generally less bendy.

Its fine not to be regular childcare, but the examples you suggested of being grandparents put a lot of extra work on the parents to arrange and potentially fund all these trips out and Sunday lunches.

(It would be different if you meant you were offering to treat them to days out or Sunday lunches.)

Everyone should just be family; and pitch in as able. Realistically if both parents are working full time to afford childcare plus living costs, there won't be a lot of spare time to make the effort to visit you especially if you are perfectly able to visit them.

Yes I agree - grandparents absolutely do not need to commit to a regular schedule if they are not able to or just don't want to but I don't think it's reasonable to then assume they should then be invited to lunches and parties and feel left out if they're not. Is there really no way to do a bit of both ? I understand the need to valued as a person not a just source of childcare but this doesn't in itself rule out any regular commitment - if it's possible . The adult children could just as well say they don't want to be seen as just a source of lunches and parties - which again would be unreasonable.

Due to horribly toxic family issues and how I found out that I'm a grandmother I'm good on the loving grandmother role, today's young parents especially these young mothers will make you turn your back on them so cold it's an awful thing because innocent children are involved but I'll turn my back and be completely alone before I allow myself to be used as a doormat or shrink myself just to have a relationship and I ain't fkd up about it either this is why I am an uninvolved grandmother.