So embarrassed I wanted to die.

[Katkins17]

So I bought my shopping in Tesco...as you do....said thank you to the cashier when she gave me the receipt and my brain couldn't decide whether it wanted to say 'you're welcome' or 'no problem' so instead it shouted quite loudly to the cashier and the whole queue behind me ...

'YOU'RE THE PROBLEM'

I just stood there, with us all looking uncomfortable and not knowing what to say .... plus a few sniggers behind.

What is the worse thing you've said without meaning to ?????

I had the most agonisingly British misheard conversation with the guy from our local garage when he rang up about our car:

-Hello, it's Steve from the garage.
-Oh, hi,
-Fine, thanks. How are you?
-Um...fine.
-Oh. Well done.
<excruciating silence>
-Anyway, your car's ready for collection.

When I was at university I did temp secretarial/PA work for an actor and writer. I found him incredibly attractive and was obsessed with him. Anyway, one day he was talking to me about a decision he had to make in his career. I was nodding seriously, but really just gazing at him in adoration. Anyway, he stopped talking and I had the gist of what he was saying, so I wanted to reply something like 'you don't want to get sucked into that', or 'you don't want to go down that path', when what came out was 'you don't want to get sucked off down that path'. I don't think he noticed .... 30 years later my toes still curl with shame.

<At the theatre, I'm in seat 11, and someone approaches. I didn't know if he was going to sit in seat 10 or 12, but he looked like he was heading for 10, on the other side of me>
"Are you 10?"
"Yes", followed by a very awkward look at me. He then sits down in seat 12 and asks "How did you know my name?"
His name was Tim.

This is gold. Thank you. I needed this today!

Also love that you help with wildlife rescue 💚

Whilst travelling in a car with DM and DB, my DM shouted "Look Dave, Moo cow". My DB, Dave, was 38 years old!

I have just read this out to DH and am actually crying with laughter - you know on these threads when people say 'it wasn't that funny, what an overreaction', it's just how it takes you at the moment and I could imagine doing it 😂

Oh god, this has just reminded me of the time I was driving my newish boss to a meeting, and as we went past a construction site on the motorway I exclaimed,
'Ooh, look! Big yellow diggers!'

Thankfully he had kids too, and just laughed 😳

Some friends of mine, a gay couple, moved house a few years ago. A neighbour they’d met once was talking to Mike (one half of the couple) and, as he was leaving, said “Give my regards to your…” and obviously suddenly wasn’t sure whether he was supposed to say partner, boyfriend or husband. He somehow settled on “colleague” 😄

This is hilarious ... and I have done similar!

I took the kids to choose some father's day cards. Eldest was about 13 or so. He was a right fidget (ADHD) and had a habit of swaying and pacing on the spot . After he bashed into me for the nth time I snapped "can you keep still, you twat!". (I know this sounds very rude but we'd been introducing him to The Inbetweeners which he found hilarious and we used a lot of the lines jokingly between ourselves.)

A horrified young man (who in my defence was same height, same haircut, similar clothes) but who was NOT my son jumped out of his skin and stammered "sorry Miss". I tried to explain but he was backing away rapidly.

A few years earlier we had both yelled at him for running in an airport. He had been told not to a number of times already and we heard his feet thundering past again. Unfortunately we yelled "STOP RUNNING" at the wrong kid, a little Asian boy around 3 years old. Our actual son, walking along sedately for a change, was about 7 and not Asian so our profuse apologies and explanations to the boy and his father (who was very gracious) did not sound very convincing.

I am going to bury this on page 20 because it is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.

i employed a brilliant young gay woman in my very small company. We were all out for dinner for the Christmas party. Her and her wife were sitting opposite me, and I was boring on about business stuff. In the middle a one of those party silences, I said “sometimes you’ve got to put your fingers in a couple of dykes…”

I shut up and began to sink into the ground. After a few moments more of silence they burst out laughing as I continued to shrink into a quivering pile of jelly.

This reminded me of when my children were toddlers. A colleague and I were chatting, she was holding a marker pen. I reflexively took it out of her hand before remembering in horror that she wasn't two years old.

Did he oblige? 😂

Still cringing 10 years on... so I freelanced in my home office - one day I had an important client round for a meeting to discuss a way forward with a project we were doing. As I was waiting for him I did some research on him and his business, I noticed his home address. It's a lovely street in our local town so I popped onto google maps and had a good old gawp (blown up nice and large) on Street View. Curiosity satisfied I put the open screen down in my dock and met the client - half way during the meeting we have to look something up online. The browser pops up and there is his house, which couldnt actually be any bigger on a 32" monitor. So of course, rather than do anything like a functioning adult, I just let us both look at it for around 10 seconds in silence, then in true stalker style I hurriedly shut it down without any word. Neve spoken of then or since.
Urgh.

That's quite sweet!

That’s truly toe-curling, @Bananasatchristmas !

😂😂😂

Nah, bruv. It's a brilliant thread.

🤣😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

My Nan comes out with all random ones, but one in particular was calling FCUK perfume Fucook! We still tease her about this.

She deffo fucooked up that one

I laughed uncontrollably for a good 5 minutes at this! Brilliant! 😆

@DadJoke cringe! That's hilarious!
Reminds me of the time I was talking to a colleague about a TV programme and the way the characters spoke. I meant to say "is that a London thing?" but what came out was "is that a lesbian thing?" . Colleague is, in fact, a gay woman. I have no idea why I said it, I'd known her for ages (and her wife). She burst out laughing luckily!

Not me but a friend, we were in Religious education studies at school, and we were sat in a circle. We had to each to go around and say the many ways we can pray
everyone said the usual, kneeling,sitting down etc. my friend panicked and said you can pray on your head.

it was about 15 years ago and we still laugh about it! 😂

This reminds me of the time I left my house and saw a fox walking down the pavement away from me so I obviously greeted it by saying "Hi foxy", only to look up and lock eyes with a man also leaving his house. The fox was not visible from where he was standing and disappeared into someone else's garden shortly afterwards.

Still cringe at when I managed to ask a group of workmates if they liked Commy Tooper, the magician