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What is life really like in the UK?

186 replies

YellowEyePenguin · 11/09/2023 02:24

I apologize in advance for the long post! But I would really like to get some opinions from people.

My British husband and I (also British) are currently living in Dunedin, New Zealand, with our two daughters, ages 6 and 8. We've been in NZ for 15 years now and are really considering moving home to the UK. We never intended to stay in NZ but, long story short, accidentally got swept along with life and are still here. On the whole life is pretty OK. We're very happily married and our kids are at a wonderful school. We're also really lucky that my sister and her family live in the same city. However, we just pine for home. We're both very close to our families but find, because of the time difference, it's incredibly hard to keep in touch as much as we'd like, and our parents are now in their mid seventies. I feel scared at the thought of missing out on their last decade or so. And wish my children could have a relationship with them.

On top of that we feel like it's so hard to make any connections here. We love our house and the wildlife and coastline. But we have very few friends and so most of our time is spent as a little unit of four. We're also increasingly frustrated by the enormous cost of living and the fact that we'll never be able to afford to improve our house (for example, double glazing would cost $70,000 and so we're forced to constantly battle the mould and the condensation). We can't afford to explore the rest of NZ and so are confined to our small, geographically isolated, city. Any money we do have goes into a separate account used for trips to visit home. And we're miserable at the thought of growing old here.

The issue is that we are trying to decide what to do for the best; particularly for our girls' sakes. Both of our parents are really concerned that we want to return to the UK and they believe that NZ offers a better life for them. Both sets of parents have mentioned that the UK doesn't feel as safe anymore, with increasing violence and aggression since Covid. And that there is a general feeling of despondency in the country.

We don't feel that NZ is the utopia that a lot of our family seem to think is. It has its own political, economical and social problems. But we're really trying to gauge whether our parents' concerns are true. We know the country will be different to when we last lived there and expect to have dissatisfaction with various things, but hope that being close to family again, and the countryside etc will outweigh it.

Id love to hear how you all feel the situation in the UK is at the moment. And I do know that it is entirely subjective and will depend on where you are, your income, your relationships and so on. I'm just going round and round with the looming decisions, especially as I would want to move relatively soon, while my daughters are still young.

We're hoping to relocate to Norfolk.

Editing to add that my major concern is the children. They are both very sensitive and find change challenging. In some ways i feel like life could be better for them in the UK, but I worry that they might be really impacted by the upheaval. Also, their school is just amazing, very nurturing and supportive and I would be so sad to leave it.

OP posts:
ThreeBearsPorridge · 13/09/2023 12:27

Reading your recent updates I would say definitely move back. It is people and relationships that make you happy in my opinion. If you have close family and friends here, just move back.

Hotitalian · 13/09/2023 13:46

Underfunded?

Barnowlsandbluebells · 13/09/2023 16:12

@YellowEyePenguin Unfortunately, we don't have children so I can't give you any advice on that. I do have a distant cousin still living in NZ who has two sons, both born there. The eldest decided to go to a UK university - he's always felt a strong connection to the UK and spent time over here growing up. He had an extremely tough time in his first year and almost failed his end of year exams despite studying hard. He found the course a huge step up and felt quite overwhelmed with the pace of life. He graduated with a 2:1 though and has now found a good job in the UK and seems quite settled here (we're quietly delighted!). I agree with PPs who have pointed out the gap between the two countries in educational level which is definitely something to consider as your children get older. My DH lost both his parents fairly soon after we returned to the UK and we're both grateful we were close by to care for them, rather than worrying about how we could make it work travelling back and forth.

cheezncrackers · 13/09/2023 16:15

I haven't been put off my hopes to move back. But I do need to think about my daughters and whether it is fair on them to do it.

Your DDs are 6 and 8 OP. Obviously, as parents you are going to think about the effect of an international move on them, but you are their parents and if you are unhappy that will have an impact on them. Also, a lot of small DC get anxious about things - it's quite normal and not at all unusual, so don't let this stop you realising your dream of returning if that is what you and your DH really want to do. Yes, it will be an adjustment for all of you, for sure. Changing schools and starting school in a different country with a different educational system might be hard at first. But I haven't seen one thing that you've said that makes me think you should stay (and please ignore the doom-saying 'Britain is going to the dogs' posters, most of whom have clearly have never lived OS or been homesick in their lives). Feel the fear and do it anyway. You want to come home and tbh there really isn't anything more to it than that. This is your life, you only get one. Live it where you want to live.

PimpMyFridge · 13/09/2023 17:36

Based on your posts, I'd come back op.
Staying in NZ because your kids might not thrive with the move or will miss it is an exercise in crystal ball gazing, it is just as likely that staying will mean they regret not enjoying the extended family or having to make moves far far away to establish their own lives .. so either option is fraught with 'what if's'.

You'll be able to discuss with them that staying or going involves having something absent from your life and that having a corner of your heart elsewhere is what anyone who lives os finds happens, it's part of the rich tapestry of life's experience and not to be feared as you learn a lot from life's ups and downs.

I agree with you, life's simple pleasures and people and love are what make life worth living!

PimpMyFridge · 13/09/2023 17:38

You can only make a decision based on what you know now, not guesses on the future.
And as their parent you are aware of the other path their life could take, your children can't know that as it's outside their experience, so even if they don't get the decision to start with, that doesn't mean your judgement isn't correct or that they won't realise later what they have gained (all the family)

Thingamebobwotsit · 13/09/2023 17:44

Agree with lots of earlier posts @YellowEyePenguin you will get people who love it. And people who won't.

It is not a bed of roses in the UK at the moment, but I am also aware of a number of ex pats returning from NZ as it isn't great out there either post Covid lockdowns. And having done a stint in NZ - you are right, it isn't the Utopia everyone thinks it is.

Everywhere is quite febrile at the moment - politically, economically. Healthcare is stretched the world over. But the NHS is generally still there when you need it most and there are lots of people committed to making it work (just not our current government).

You could do a lot worse than Norfolk if you do decide to return. Just be choosy about where you live and you will be fine. My DCs have brilliant nurturing schools. But I wouldn't sell your UK based house until you are back and settled. Even if you rent it out and rent yourselves in another area to get a better quality of life.

EasternStandard · 13/09/2023 17:59

Thingamebobwotsit · 13/09/2023 17:44

Agree with lots of earlier posts @YellowEyePenguin you will get people who love it. And people who won't.

It is not a bed of roses in the UK at the moment, but I am also aware of a number of ex pats returning from NZ as it isn't great out there either post Covid lockdowns. And having done a stint in NZ - you are right, it isn't the Utopia everyone thinks it is.

Everywhere is quite febrile at the moment - politically, economically. Healthcare is stretched the world over. But the NHS is generally still there when you need it most and there are lots of people committed to making it work (just not our current government).

You could do a lot worse than Norfolk if you do decide to return. Just be choosy about where you live and you will be fine. My DCs have brilliant nurturing schools. But I wouldn't sell your UK based house until you are back and settled. Even if you rent it out and rent yourselves in another area to get a better quality of life.

I agree with this. I don’t know NZ though

Where I am is good, good state school provision and easy access to GP and hospital. I don’t need it much but recently CT scan was same day appointment to scan within two weeks, no waiting at hospital at all

Community is great

Being far from family is a big consideration imo

Like any country experiences will vary, depending on who you are around and the specific area

Breakawaytour · 13/09/2023 21:45

YellowEyePenguin · 13/09/2023 01:27

Thanks so much for all the responses! I honestly didn't expect to get so many replies!

It definitely seems like some over-arching themes in people's responses and I appreciate the honesty from everyone.

It's really interesting because I posted the exact same question on a Facebook group for British expats who have returned to the UK and the responses frpm them are a stark contrast to here! I think once you have lived abroad you get a new appreciation for everything that life in the UK offers. That's not to say that I don't believe that the NHS is in dire straits, and the crime levels have risen etc. But there is definitely a tendency for Brits to believe that everywhere is better than the UK!

For those of you who suggested that we make a return visit, we did spend two months in the UK earlier in the year and it was just wonderful. It had been 6 years since we had last been able to visit, because of covid and the fact that NZ closed its borders. And it was just wonderful. I felt so utterly surrounded by love from so many people and everyone was so desperate to see me. I had friends rearranging their busy lives so that they could drive across the country to see me again ❤And when I returned to NZ, it was such a painful contrast as the only person who was desperate to see me was my sister. I didn't hear from anyone else for weeks. I firmly believe that life is about people, and being with the people who make you happy. And if the UK isn't wonderful, at least I'll be with the people who make me happy. And being in the same time zone would be amazing. At the moment I speak to my parents every 6 weeks or so, because they are late to wake up in the morning, and early to bed in the evening. I never speak to my brothers or my sister in the UK.

I haven't been put off my hopes to move back. But I do need to think about my daughters and whether it is fair on them to do it.

Honestly, just come home. People are everything, your children will be fine and will be enveloped by all your family and friends. I was away for just 3 years and had an amazing time but ultimately wouldn't dream of living anywhere else but the UK 💕

Howmanysleepsnow · 13/10/2023 21:29

I can’t clearly pinpoint 15 years ago in my head (I was mid upheaval and divorce) but for me life now isn’t dissimilar to 13 years ago- I don’t see major societal change here (NW city), don’t feel less safe and don’t see any real difference in school (I have a primary age child now and did then too) or in the NHS (at least from the inside looking out).

dogmama · 17/07/2024 00:03

Really curious what you decided in the end OP? I'm in a similar dilemma x

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