Boyfriend is gonna leave me when I fall pregnant from donor

[Mumpls]

My partner is diagnosed with azoospermia, and he is not open to consider adoption or donor conception.
I still want to become a mother and I can’t see myself living a child free life.
I love my partner very much, but I don’t want to choose between him and a baby.

I’m planning to become pregnant from a donor, and he says that he will leave me as soon as I’m pregnant.
Is it a better idea to leave him before I start getting pregnant or shall I just wait and see if he really follows through on his words?
Right now I’m in denial if he really means what he’s saying.

We tried several semen analyses, and a failed Tese, the infertility is a absolute fact.

Our relationship is good, but never becoming a mother a just be okay with that and carry on with life is not something I could do.
if the donation doesn’t work I hope we can still be together.

Also thanks for your explanation about his possible logics/thoughts behind it, never considered that it could be something like this.
I don’t see him as vile or mean, so this makes more sense.

It's going ahead with the donation that would kill the relationship if I was him. It's that action that is the one that says you are not important enough to me, nothing wrong with wanting a baby more than him but you have to accept that if you try and fail you have also lost your relationship.

OP there is no guarantee that you will get pregnant. You obviously really want a child but also love your DP. Sadly you are both not on the same page.

How would you feel if what should be a joyful time when you become pregnant is marred by the heartbreak of splitting up with someone you love?

It seems unlikely that he will change his mind. If you do become pregnant it may make it even worse for him as he will have a constant reminder of his "failure" to get you pregnant. As he is also against adoption he also seems to believe that any child of his would have to have a biological connection to him. Even if he does stay he may not be able to cope when the baby is actually born and every time he looks at it he is reminded that it isn't biologically his.

I think you need to decide what is more important. Even if you stay with him, attempt to become pregnant but fail I think your relationship will be irreparably damaged. He may feel that you have stayed with him as a backup just in case you can't get pregnant.

I think you either have to separate or you come to terms with not having a child.

I know this seems harsh but in the circumstances I don't see any other option.

The problem with that is you are basically both having to put yourselves in the position of knowing that your relationship is based on uncertainty.

you basically asking him to stay with you until something better comes along for you.

you would both be living in limbo.

Thanks you for this clear and holistic vision on this problem.
A while ago he said something about him not wanting to be a backup plan and now I finally understand what he meant when he said this. He is not the best at communication and honestly with all the emotions involved regarding this subject I’m not either.

I have thought about getting pregnant with severe heartbreak, and not being able to share anything about the baby and basically not having a partner anymore if I do fall pregnant.

If you are serious about conceiving using donor sperm, I think you need to end your relationship. Much better to end the relationship and have your full focus on the project of conceiving on your own. You also don't want to mar what will hopefully be the start of a wonderful journey by dealing with a breakup during it.

I have a donor-conceived DD, conceived using IUI at a fertility clinic. It's not a simple journey - no one I know has had a straightforward time conceiving this way (though it's absolutely worth it in the end!) so the sooner you get started the better (I assume you've read up on the process, but if you haven't the donor conception network has some really useful info on the things to consider while making decisions re clinics, donors, private donors, anonymous vs known etc. I highly recommend reading through these - you don't have to be a member to access this content as far as I know).

I don’t want to choose between him and a baby
if the donation doesn’t work I hope we can still be together

Wanting or not wanting a family is a fundamental issue of compatibility. You need to make up your mind which is more important to you. No one else can do that for you.

If you make that decision to try through a donor and it doesn't work, don't expect there to be an easy way back and for things to be the same. You know what making that decision will mean to you and him no matter what the outcome - whether it leads to a child or not.

When was he diagnosed and how long have you been discussing donor sperm?

I agree it's possible IVF won't work (sadly) so I wouldn't break up with him on the basis of a theoretical pregnancy.

What I would do is think through the practical ramifications of breaking up with him so you can plan ahead - what do you do if you need to move out, or he moves out, do you have other financial commitments like pensions, pets, car, insurance etc.

On the other hand, I think I would find it hard to live through insemination, waiting to see if a pregnancy resulted, possible losses etc with a partner who was unsupportive. Could you get him to say he'd just play it by ear?

@ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse , I already have a lot of information and also clear that having a child this way is far from easy. Will also check the site.

@DogInATent , it is a huge incompatibility but I hoped he would change his mind which is clearly not gonna happen now that he voiced so clear.
Making this decision will mean a chance of a baby for me, and I don’t find it a weird to ask him if we can still be together if I can’t get pregnant.

In april 2022 first from three negative semen analysis, and in December 2022 failed tese operation.

@AuntieJune , I’m not gonna do IVF, but donor sperm via self insemination.
plus we don’t live together in one house, we were planning to move in together but after the failed operation we decided to live separately for a while until things were more calm again.

I think you've both come to a point where you don't want the same thing, and the "thing" is fundamental.

You do have a choice to make, and it's not an easy one, as does he, but if you are sure that you want to prioritise motherhood and want to go ahead with the donor pregnancy I would 100% end the relationship before you go ahead, rather than get preganant and then have to deal with a break up that you don't really want.

Pregancy is a wild old time, and isn't going to be enhanced by a broken heart.

That sounds horrible.

I don’t find it a weird to ask him if we can still be together if I can’t get pregnant
Really? - you can ask if that's how things end up, but it's going to be a massive elephant in the room for the rest of your lives together.

You face a choice. Life with him or try with a donor. You don't choose him. It doesn't work out. He's now very clearly your second-best/fall-back option because what you really wanted didn't work out.

It'd be like him marrying you because things didn't work out with your sister.

@CaffeinateMeNow there was never any normal discussion from the day I started about the subject he was totally against it.
I hoped he would come by after the surgery showed 0 sperm, but he doesn’t.

He’s not vile. He’s allowed to not want to be a parent in the proposed situation. Can you discuss you trying with donor sperm first, as given your age it’s far from guaranteed. Surely you don’t want to lose him, but then also not have a baby.

The sperm, donor etc is all just a distraction. Ultimately, he doesn't want to be a father to a child that is not biologically is. he cannot biologically have children. So either - you have a child alone or you remain childfree and with this man.

No one is unreasonable. Its sad. But it is what it is. You can't force him to be a dad.

end it now and get on with becoming a mother if that's what you want.

Er no. It means having a child is very important to OP and she’s not prepared to give that up for anyone, even someone she probably loves very much.

You can't keep him as a back up.

You need to decide if you will regret not trying or not. And decide what you want to do. It's hard. You love him. But you want different things. That is ok. But at 41 I would say it is now or never.

It sounds like you've both already started to make lives separately. So it sounds like it's up to you now. To say look that's it I'm doing it alone.

I have thought about getting pregnant with severe heartbreak, and not being able to share anything about the baby and basically not having a partner anymore if I do fall pregnant.

Whilst I understand this is a very difficult time for you you are basically keeping him in reserve in case you don't get pregnant. Knowing he will leave if you do get pregnant and carrying on anyway means you are choosing to end the relationship. So end it now rather than hedge your bets. Let him move on.

Vile? He's been completely upfront about what he wants. Unlike OP who is "testing" him.

we don’t live together in one house, we were planning to move in together but after the failed operation we decided to live separately

You are already distancing yourselves from each other instead of comforting and supporting each other. I'm surprised you said you weren't living together but trying to conceive. Why go through ops and tests trying for child yet still live apart? I don't get it.

It doesn't sound like you are both committed to the relationship despite loving each other. It might be time to leave any way and talking about babies is just blurring that.

Why is he vile? It's not unreasonable not to want to raise a cuckoo in the nest

@Pixiedust1234 ,
we were transitioning from long distance to moving in together, that’s it might be time to separate from each other I agree with.