Boyfriend is gonna leave me when I fall pregnant from donor

[Mumpls]

My partner is diagnosed with azoospermia, and he is not open to consider adoption or donor conception.
I still want to become a mother and I can’t see myself living a child free life.
I love my partner very much, but I don’t want to choose between him and a baby.

I’m planning to become pregnant from a donor, and he says that he will leave me as soon as I’m pregnant.
Is it a better idea to leave him before I start getting pregnant or shall I just wait and see if he really follows through on his words?
Right now I’m in denial if he really means what he’s saying.

Hi,
You have statistically about a 5% chance of getting pregnant via IUI with donor sperm at 41.

Seriously, it’s not impossible but it’s MUCH less likely than you seem to think. Are you planning to do this at home with a delivery? Honestly; if you REALLY want a baby you need to be planning to throw your money at IVF otherwise you’re letting your relationship go for a 5% chance.

@Mummyoflittledragon while all you have said is true, the fictional woman in that situation will likely be upset for the same reason OP's partner is (their partner having a child without them) not because of the ethical questions of surrogacy.

What do you mean 'donor sperm via self insemination'?

This isn't really an option in the UK, unless you are planning to go via a dodgy route such as Facebook groups etc.

Please do your research and make sure you have everything above board in terms of parental rights and responsibilities, but also thinking about your future child's welfare.

Who is your child's father going to be? What happens when they start asking questions about their father? This is a human being you are bringing into the world - think about their needs and wishes. They will want to know who their father is.

Please consider going by a proper clinical route. Donor ID is now compulsory in the UK and when the child turns 18 they have the right to identifying details of the donor.

This is the only way you can do this ethically - 'self insemination at home' is just setting yourself and your child up for all kinds of problems.

The other thing you need to consider if you're really thinking of finding a random 'donor' online, is how many siblings your child is going to have.

If you go via a legitimate route, there is a limit on the number of families that can be created with one donor.

If you are planning to find someone through your own route, you have no idea how many times he has already 'donated', putting your child at risk of finding out in the future that they have hundreds of half-siblings.

As well as being emotionally very difficult to come to terms with the existence of so many half siblings, this also adds the complication where when they get into a relationship in the future they will have to check that person is not their sibling.

Sorry if you know all this but I just feel like you really need to do your research think through the implications of what you are planning to do for your future child.

I am going through sperm donation via a clinic and yes it is more expensive but having done my research, it's the only way I can feel OK about my child's future life.

I'm what way is he horrible and selfish for not wanting children? You are massively projecting here.

You could say that the OP is horrible and selfish for wanting children more than a relationship with her partner.

Neither of them are unreasonable. They just want different things.

because I’m very sure he will love the baby, but that’s another subject.

Loads of women say this and it isn't necessarily true. You are projecting @Mumpls.

Tally Ho, loser. Him, not you.

I read recently that the chance of having a baby by donor sperm in your 40's was only 4-5%, something else to consider if you haven't already OP.

@JulieHoney Im not sure who is letting who hanging, we are still in the relationship together. Because I find it hard to believe that he would leave me later on I’m staying, maybe naive of me to do but for me it’s unthinkable to leave the person I love.

@mathanxiety, It’s difficult for me to accept or believe that he is rather without me then with me and getting on board with raising a family. I think that’s what’s keeping me stuck, as far as other issues in our relationship I think that I’ve always been very easy when it comes to disagreements.
I‘m very quick to let unimportant things slide, but with an important topic like this I can’t.

@KittyAlfred what is the reason for the sterility of your DP? Did he gave you a specific reason and what made him change his mind after 34 weeks?
Very good that’s you choose for your DS wel being and your own, and it sounds like a very rough patch.
Its so difficult when your partner doesn’t support you with such a big thing like this.
Did you ever hear from him later or did he stay out of your life for good?

To me, having a baby with someone who doesn't want one is doomed from the start. Might be ok for a while but once the Garda days kick in and he's trapped in parenthood when the teen goes off the rails or his cash is drained by nursery fees etc, he'll be gone. Probably after a number of arguments that could seriously impact on your child.

My number one rule about relationships, don't ever commit to someone you want to change, because 99% of the time, what you've got is what you'll always have.

Good luck

*hard days

@Thesharkradar, I’m starting to realize that this incompatibility is to big, and the fact that he isn’t willing to even consider a donor says that his own wants and needs are more important then mine.

@IAteAllTheTomatoes, Itry to support him wherever I can and I know that infertility is very hard. It’s not about being enough or not enough but about having children while it’s still possible.
His choice is no baby, but he knows I want to have a baby so breaking up is something that we both can do.

@SteveBuscemisRheumyEye, I don’t see the backup plan in this. It’s not that I’m swapping him for another man. Using donors sperm is not cheating or starting a new relationship.
I need to let him go, or he needs to let me go before I’m pregnant?
It’s not like I’m holding him hostage, it is still his choice to stay around for as long as it lasts.

@ReadtheReviews, I’m not sure what the reason is but he only wants a biological child, however I need to focus on having the baby since this is the last chance

I’m starting to realize that this incompatibility is to big, and the fact that he isn’t willing to even consider a donor says that his own wants and needs are more important then mine.

But surely that works both ways? Your need for a baby is more important than reconciling to his childlessness.

@Thesharkradar, I’m starting to realize that this incompatibility is to big, and the fact that he isn’t willing to even consider a donor says that his own wants and needs are more important then mine.

you could counter that with an argument that your desire to have a child says your wants and needs are more important than his.

you are the one showing very little respect to his feelings and just expecting him to happily go along with you even though he has made his views clear

@InSpainTheRain, agree but being alone for a few months is difficult time wise

@Cally70, adoption is not an option either and donor embryo not either he only wants biological children nothing more and nothing less.

@LIZS its easy to accept a situation if you’re not part of the situation. And it’s not easy to let go of someone you planned a future with.

@JaninaDuszejko, is it were the other way around I probably would have agreed with surrogacy or any other option since my wish is to have a family it would not be easy to come that that decision but staying child free and forcing my partner to do the same would be unthinkable for me.
it hasn’t come to mind once before we started trying for babies that he would be infertile, I think a lot of couples don’t think about this until they are in a situation like this.

@LividHouse, I’m doing it via self insemination and I’m aware of the numbers and risks.

I’m not gonna do ivf, because I don’t believe that will increase my numbers.
Also I’m not sure if my relationship is over when I don’t fall pregnant, so that’s not a given just a chance. His issue is not the sperm or another man’s sperm but he wants a biological child and nothing else.

@peachicecream, what I’m planning to do is totally legal here and I’m fully aware of what the consequences are.
I can go via a clinic, but waiting lists and is not something that is gonna help me right now.

@intothegreek, I agree and I don’t want to change him, I want to have a baby and he says he is gonna leave me if I fall pregnant.
I have to break the relationship now because if he breaks up when I am pregnant it will be more difficult.

@LIZS, no my man and the baby are equally important to me. Choosing childlessness is not a option for everyone, if you’re infertile the choice has already been made, but then there is still the other half of the couple.

@Sirzy, it’s not a contest but giving up on a childwish for the sake of love is not a choice made easily.

@Mumpls OK well if you've done your research fully and have all the informaiton then of course it is your decision. Just whatever you do, please think about the child and what their experience is going to be like. I know the urge to have a child is strong but it is ultimately a selfish one and we need to be aware of that (I know it from personal experience so I'm not saying this without empathy).

When the child is here it will be too late to go back and do it differently, and I am saying it because I know people who have had regrets about the way they have gone about the donor route.

Good luck with it all whatever you decide. Infertility is a horrible thing to go through and I'm sorry it looks like it's going to break up your relationship :(

@Winebeckons i, sorry you went through something a bit similar. It is difficult for me to breakup because I’m not sure if I’ll become pregnant and since I want to stay with him it feels contradictory to me.
It goes against all my instincts to break up while I still love him so much.
I also want him and the baby but realize I can’t force him, but staying in the situation and following his path of a child free life is to difficult for me at this point.

You're finding it hard to call time on this relationship Op because you still have the idea that if you got pregnant he'd change his mind and be happy to be a Father. He's hanging on in the hope you'll change your mind and choose him. Nobody wants to be a consolation prize Op, if you can't get pregnant and stay with him he'll always know why you stayed and it will eat away at the relationship.

I think you actually have to listen to him and believe what he's telling you. And plan accordingly.

@Daleksatemyshed is right.

You’re thinking of this baby like a puppy - once it’s here he’ll fall in love with it because it’s so loveable.

Babies are the reverse. Even people in rock solid relationships who desperately want a child go through a very tough patch when they have a baby. Newborns are relentless, everyone is sleep-deprived, no one has any down time and there is no off switch to grab a couple hours to regroup. You really need to want and love that child to get through it.

in addition, you aren’t coming home from the breeder with a cute bundle of waggy-tailed joy for him to admire , you are going through pregnancy. In your 40s. Let’s hope it is problem-free, but even a problem free pregnancy is quite the marathon.

Throughout that, he’ll be aware you chose that route over a life with him.

it’s totally understandable for you to choose having a child. It’s completely unreasonable for you to expect him to eventually come around to the idea.

@Daleksatemyshed, I don’t think that.
If I get pregnant he will leave definitely.

@readbooksdrinktea I do believe him now.

@JulieHoney I don’t think of this baby as a puppy at all, and so not the pregnancy.
I don’t expect him to come around, it was some false hope I cherished which is pretty much starting to disappear now.
I just wish I didn’t have to choose, it feels unfair.

He's not vile. He just doesn't want children!

^ agreed you both want different things, doesn't make you bad people.

Harsh. Fail to see how he's a loser.

Op how do you intend to self inseminate? Do you have a mate who's going to jizz into a cup which you'll then pour into a turkey baster?