Boyfriend is gonna leave me when I fall pregnant from donor

[Mumpls]

My partner is diagnosed with azoospermia, and he is not open to consider adoption or donor conception.
I still want to become a mother and I can’t see myself living a child free life.
I love my partner very much, but I don’t want to choose between him and a baby.

I’m planning to become pregnant from a donor, and he says that he will leave me as soon as I’m pregnant.
Is it a better idea to leave him before I start getting pregnant or shall I just wait and see if he really follows through on his words?
Right now I’m in denial if he really means what he’s saying.

the child would be wanted by the mother and there is no trickery involved, your metaphor is transparently manipulative

Break up. It's actually pretty unkind to keep him hanging on while you wait to discover if you get your top choice (a baby) or the consolation prize (him).

It's very sad that your thoughts on this are incompatible; however, neither of you are being unreasonable to feel the way you do.

At 41 you don't have the luxury of waiting around. Start the process as soon as possible and part amicably with STBX.

Clearly, the topic of having a baby was on the table if the tests were done. It must have been plain to him at that point that having a baby was important to you. I don't know why he now expects you to just forget about motherhood.

There is a bigger problem here, though. He has chosen the 'my way or the highway' option over the 'let's consider the possibilities' path when an issue arose. The refusal to even discuss the donor sperm question is a big red flag for the relationship as a whole.

How would he approach other conflicts in your lives together? If he thinks he can just fold his arms and refuse to engage on this topic that is so important to you, how would he approach other matters where you are in disagreement?

You're loving the wrong man, imo.

I was in a similar situation - DP was sterile and didn't want kids.
After much discussion I went ahead with donor conception, got pregnant, DP seemed happy for me but we didn't talk about the future. Then he texted me at work when I was 34 weeks pregnant and asked when I was moving out.
I went into labour the following week, had DS, and moved out 2 weeks later. DP changed his mind and wanted to get back together a few weeks later, but I knew it was only me he wanted, not DS. And I knew my DS needed to be loved, not just tolerated. So I said no. It broke my heart but it was the right thing to do.
No regrets.

If we'd stayed together I'd have come to resent him and we'd have split up anyway.

you may love this man OP but sounds like he see's himself as the boss in your relationship, so it's not a partnership of equals,
and that is all moot since your priorities are mutually incompatible
I'd call it a day & find someone young & hot to get me pregnant

You are going ahead with something life-changing that you know he doesn't want and will make him unhappy. It sounds like you've already checked out of the relationship. You say you don't want to choose between your partner or a baby but you have chosen, you've chosen a baby.
You should separate now for both of your sakes. Don't bring a child into this relationship. By all means separate and have one by yourself. But don't guilt trip your partner into staying, only for him to feel sad and resentful towards you, the child and himself.

I divorced my first husband because he didn’t want kids and said the same thing. Now I have a new man and son and happy. So I say might as well leave now

@KittyAlfred
what a horrible selfish man, well done for sticking to your guns!
Seems to me that many men dont want to make the sacrifices required of parents and will only do so if it's the only way to retain the benefits of being in a relationship.
I think that by treating you like that he was hoping to gaslight you into feeling guilty/ashamed about carrying a child that wasnt his, he thought he could crush & subordinate you enough that you'd happily take him back but still feel the guilt & shame making it easier to control you and rule the roost.

I was in exactly the same situation with you. In a relationship with a man who had kids and 100% didn't want any more so I was forced to choose. I was over 40 and stayed with him whilst I tried to get pregnant with a donor. I was totally open about it (I'd warned him when we got together that having child was definitely something I was going to pursue and given that he didn't end the relationship there and then, I thought that he wasn't as against it as he made out). I got pregnant v quickly and the relationship changed instantly - if he'd got any further away from me in the bed he would have fallen out. It limped on for a few months more and then ended it - I initiated the discussion and he quickly initiated the 'it's not working part'. I was heartbroken (I still love him but just FB friends now) but I've never regretted my decision, even though I gave up a lovely life with him and life as a single mum is tough at times. Sorry - just realised I've not actually responded to your question! I would stay with him until you get pregnant as in the over 40 bracket, it might not occur and then you'll be left with no relationship and no baby. It didn't occur to me to end the relationship for that reason - ideally I would have loved the relationship AND the baby, but if that wasn't possible, I definitely wanted one or the other, not nothing at all. You've been completely open with him, so chances are he's considering both possibilities (you getting pregnant or not) as well as you.

Even if OP thought that was a reasonable compromise, why on earth would a surrogate agree to that? Remember commercial surrogacy is illegal in the UK.

I think any baby however conceived would just be a reminder that he's firing blanks and he wont be able to handle it.
His desire to have a child (assuming he did since you talk about fertility investigations) isnt driven by wanting to love & nurture the child, it's about proving his masculinity.

I think what you are doing is wrong.

He has told you he doesn't want a child that isn't biological his which is his choice.

That means you are incompatible and should split up.

By not doing so, you really are hedging your bets. As in you'll stay if you can't get pregnant.

You need to be fair to him now. Your choice his him or trying for a baby. You may end up with neither but if you want to try for a child, that is a risk you need to take.

It's really difficult for infertile people to deal with the fact they aren't "enough" for someone because they can't reproduce. He's not being vile, he's being honest.

He idea not vile. He just doesn't want a child.
OP nobody is at fault, it is just not the relationship for you.

I think OP's partner is getting a bit of a hard time here. If a man came on here and said his female partner is infertile but he wants children via a surrogate with a donor egg, and his wife was against it, I'm sure the responses would be very different and very much on her side.

That said, it sounds like you are not compatible on this issue so you're going to have to decide which is more important to you .

He CAN'T have children he doesn't want anyone else's children

Gosh, I feel for him.

Posted too soon!

I don't think it's fair to say "he doesn't want to be a father" etc; he's clearly had several investigations and even surgery. If this were a woman and her male partner saying he wanted to have a baby with a doner egg, I think people might be more thoughtful.

Either way, if that's what OP wants she needs to let him go so they can go on and make their own, separate lives. If she doesn't get pregnant, despite attempting with sober sperm, he will always be the back up option.
LThat's a poor basis for a solid relationship

There are opportunities for new loves and new relationships out there, but this may be your only chance for a baby. Personally, his pride? being more important than the person he loves becoming a mother would put me off him anyway.

I really think you need to leave him and be by yourself for a period - then get pregnant via a donor if that's what you choose. Otherwise you're going to have the upheaval of a split, hormones, changing your relationship etc all together - nightmare!

Would he still feel the same way if you opted for donor embryo or adoption?

You want to be a mother more than be with him. If you break it off now you may yet find a partner to share a baby with and he someone who accepts his situation.

I'm shocked at the responses on here. The poor man. The pair of you have gone through a long fertility investigation and now you've found out he's the one who is infertile you want to go and get pregnant without him? I really don't think he's the vile one. What would have happened if you had been the one that was infertile, would he have gone and had a child without you? And how would that have made you feel? Surely you must have discussed this before the investigations.

There are lots of people who can't have children, either because of fertility issues or because they don't meet the right person. A life without children can still be a meaningful and worthwhile life. I think it's time for you to accept you aren't going to have children and come to terms with that and build a meaningful life together as a couple. Or end your relationship now so that your partner can go and find someone who is less selfish and will love him fully whether or not he can have children.

Bloody hell! Imagine if a woman posted on here that she'd been diagnosed as infertile, and her boyfriend had told her he was going to have a baby with a surrogate. No one would call her vile for not wanting to stay with him and bring the child up as her own!

^ X-posted with hellocats

I do not agree with the vile comment quoted. However, a man using a surrogate is completely different from what op is proposing.

Surrogacy can be exploitative. The baby would be a child created specifically to be taken from the birth mother. Op wants to physically be a mother either through conception or adoption. Neither of which exploit another woman and are child centred approaches.

A man doesn’t go through gruelling fertility treatment, carry a baby inside them for 9 months if successful or choose to feed them from their body, potentially for years once born. This is like comparing chalk and cheese.