Boyfriend is gonna leave me when I fall pregnant from donor

[Mumpls]

My partner is diagnosed with azoospermia, and he is not open to consider adoption or donor conception.
I still want to become a mother and I can’t see myself living a child free life.
I love my partner very much, but I don’t want to choose between him and a baby.

I’m planning to become pregnant from a donor, and he says that he will leave me as soon as I’m pregnant.
Is it a better idea to leave him before I start getting pregnant or shall I just wait and see if he really follows through on his words?
Right now I’m in denial if he really means what he’s saying.

You care about him. You care about having a baby. If I was him I would find it impossible not to interpret this choice, you are making, as a rejection of me.

So you both live in your own “hometowns” now? Then I think that’s all the more reason to split now so you can focus on your own lives where you are rather than one of you ending up moving.

@AxolotlEars, the weird thing was that a while ago I felt rejected for him not wanting to start a family with me.
But I came back from that, because his choice is not a attack on me as a person.

How is he vile?!

It’s such a difficult situation OP but I’d end the relationship now, without rancour, rather than let it, and your hopes for a change of heart limp on.

Even if he didn’t leave as he is threatening; an unwanted (by him) child is going to put enormous pressure on your relationship, children much wanted by both parents manage that. Any child you have is better off knowing it is loved and was much wanted by its parents, and in this case the child would have one parent, you, who is 100% invested, than suspecting they were the cause of their parents’ break-up and consequent misery.

You both want different things, it's not fair on either of you to continue this relationship. He doesn't want to be a father. Leave and have a child, at 41 you need to prioritise this and not let the relationship hold you back. At the end of the day if you both love each other then you need to let go so that you can both be happy.

This. If anything OP is the unreasonable one here.

This. Time is not on your side. If you don't go ahead and have your baby you will regret it forever. Once baby is born and you hold it, you will know it was worth it. You may go on to meet someone else who will love you and baby.

@LightDrizzle I agree with this, that’s why I openend this post. I don’t want a baby to be conceived in the middle of this situation
A child needs to be 100% wanted by both parents, and I don’t think he is just threatening, he doesn’t want to become a father the nu nuclear way and I need to somehow learn to accept this.

@HanSB agree

He’s not vile. It’s not reasonable to only want your own biological children.
It is unreasonable to use the phrase ´cuckoo in the nest’. You’re just being nasty there.

You can go ahead with the donor pregnancy since that's what you really want. But not wanting a child doesn't make him vile, and you can't keep him as a backup if the pregnancy doesn't work.

I'd leave if I were him, tbf, I wouldn't wait for you to make the decision.

Calling someone vile for not wishing to bring up someone elses baby is a bit uncalled for, IMHO.
OP is best terminating relationship now , there's obviously no future in it

Why don't you foster or adopt? A lot of people conceived by donor sperm have real problems in the future dealing with how they were conceived and never knowing their father or half of their family.

Sorry this is meant to say ´it’s not UNreasonable to only want bio children’

Neither of them are being unreasonable.

I don’t understand your logic. Adopted children also often struggle with not knowing their biological families.

Break up now, and embark on your IVF solo. IVF is tough and it's good to have a supportive partner, but having a partner who is actively opposed to the process would be really horrible.

In the event that you didn't become pregnant - and not all IVF is succesful, that doesn't mean the relationship is healthy or good for you - it will be soured by the fact that you are only still together because of a chance outcome that is a cause of grief for you but releif for him - that would be horrible too.

If you do become pregnant and he doesn't leave immediately, this fact will be weaponised against you sooner or later.

i wouldn’t risk my future happiness on a man from a LDR I’d never lived with. At 41 time is not on your side. Things could go incredibly wrong once you live together. I also note you call him your boyfriend rather than partner.

If he doesn’t want a baby from donor sperm, I would wonder if he was ever truly 100% on board with having a child. Some men just go along with things to make their partner happy.

On the basis of what you’ve said, I can see why he considers you’re treating him as a back up plan and reading the first few posts I thought the same. However the further I get through the thread, I also question how much you’re also a back up plan for him.

I think perhaps you’ve been both compromising to stay together.

Are you not attempting IUI or is the donor known to you?
I think IUI would increase your chances over DIY

Leave now. He's not vile, he just wants different things to you. Children or no children is a deal breaker. He's told you the truth. Listen to him, believe him, and make your choice. Him or a child. Can't have both.

If he doesn't want children then why are you with him?

Take his word for it and leave, you don't need the drama once you're pregnant.

@ArdeteiMasazxu I don’t think if it wouldn’t work out that it would be a relief for him, I think he would really not like that for me. But him being opposed is hard I already notice that, that’s why I’m at a point that I need to make a decision because starting the trajectory in this state is not good.

I’m not sure about it being weaponized because I’m very sure he will love the baby, but that’s another subject.

Would an adopted child be a compromise he would accept?

The issue is that he does not want his partner pregnant by sperm that is not his, and then to raise a child with no biological connection to him.

And the same is true for you at the moment. You want a child that is biologically yours.

So maybe a child which biologically belongs to neither of you is something he could accept.

Or I don't know how feasible it would be, but a child gestated by surrogate with your egg, so that he doesn't have to live with his partner pregnant and not by him.

How is he vile over not wanting children? If a woman didn't want children & was infertile and threatened to leave the man would she be vile? Or is that ok?

@Mummyoflittledragon we lived together for more then a year in one house, while we both had our own house.
Boyfriend or partner is the same for me, but I think we both compromise to little since none of us is willing to compromise on this.

Leave him. You'll be happier. Pursue your dream of parenthood and whether it happens or not you will likely eventually find a much kinder and more suited partner

I'm looking at it from another angle, we had unexplained infertility and couldn't find a problem with either of us.
But we discussed what we would do if it was one of us that couldn't have children.
Donor sperm/eggs was a hard no for both of us! Lots of ethical issues etc!
If my husband then decided that he still wanted a child and decided to go for a donor egg so he could have a child I would not be staying with him and I would be deeply hurt.
It sounds like you aren't compatible, he sounds hurt that your thinking of doing this and wouldn't be able to cope!
You need to end this relationship