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Original poster

Who pays on dates

104 replies

Pussycat02 · 01/03/2022 22:09

Iv been with my bf six months we see each other 3 times a week but only go out to eat once a week , we are both in our fifties and have good jobs , we don’t eat at expensive restaurants when we go out and he always pays , suddenly this week he said he thinks we should go Dutch on dates , I have to add that usually every month or so I foot the bill to say thank you as feel this is right . I feel a bit upset as to be taken out once a week I feel he should want to pay as I’m his lady , am I being totally wrong here , I feel he’s suddenly changed the goal post from insisting on paying for me to going Dutch , I Woukd appreciate some advice

OP posts:
TempNameChangexx · 01/03/2022 22:28

Are you sure you're not from the 50s rather than being in your 50s?
I'm 60 and I would never expect the man to pay all the time, I always go dutch....

HollowTalk · 01/03/2022 22:28

But she is playing more than her share! He is eating at her house twice a week and now wants to split the bill on the third day when they go out.

Icantremembermyusername · 01/03/2022 22:29

Yip, my ex thought buying a takeaway once a month made up for the 3 evening meals he ate at my house a week plus the 2 sleepovers a week (showers, heating, breakfast). Plus tea, coffee, milk and biscuits. No wonder his weekly food shop was only about 20 quid!
Have a look at the hidden costs of being in a relationship with this man.

FitAt50 · 01/03/2022 22:29

'his lady' makes you sound like an escort. Have you not heard of equal rights?

wingscrow · 01/03/2022 22:30

I am going to disagree with the other replies so far.

If you go out of your way to cook for him on the other two occasions that you see each other, then he should be paying for your one meal out.

Because in this scenario (going dutch) you would be paying more than he does, since you are cooking for him twice a week and I assume you buy the food to make these meals.

Or you could turn this around and tell him that you should also go dutch in term of who does the cooking and buy the food when you don't go out. Meaning you now expect him to cook for you once a week...

I don't like men who are stingy so this would be a red flag for me, especially if he is wealthy and does not even think you are worth buying a meal for once a week...

PurpleDaisies · 01/03/2022 22:30

@HollowTalk

But she is playing more than her share! He is eating at her house twice a week and now wants to split the bill on the third day when they go out.
I doubt two meals at home would cost the same as one meal out.

He could cook one night a week if he wants things to be split more fairly.

Anniefrenchfry · 01/03/2022 22:31

The op said she cooked for him. She didn’t say she paid for it. And it could be egg and chips for all we know.

Anniefrenchfry · 01/03/2022 22:31

@HollowTalk

But she is playing more than her share! He is eating at her house twice a week and now wants to split the bill on the third day when they go out.
Can I come to yours for dinner, you obviously eat well at home 😂
Original poster
Pussycat02 · 01/03/2022 22:33

I suppose in my mind I kinda think if we go for a cheap meal on a Friday is it the d of the world if he pays 20 pounds for me with all the cooking I do for him

OP posts:
Original poster
Pussycat02 · 01/03/2022 22:35

And no it’s not egg and chips I always cook a full dinner

OP posts:
MaryAndHerNet · 01/03/2022 22:35

It need to be an even split.
It isn't the 50s anymore.

You cook, he cooks, he pays, you pay.
Or you cook, he pays for ingredients.
He pays at restaurant, you pay next time.
You buy food, he buys wine.

No 9ne should be kept, even when you're his lady... Wtf..

daretodenim · 01/03/2022 22:36

I'd pay half, by alternating who pays. I think that's fair enough. But I'd then stop cooking. Not only are you paying for that, but you have to expend time in sourcing ingredients and preparation - and tidying up. Even if he went halves on the ingredients, he'd still be benefitting unfairly from your time and labour.

Now, that may sound a bit cold, however, I would put bets on him not factoring your time, never mind any incurred expenses into the meals you prepare.

Don't put in more time and effort than he does. Ultimately there's no point because it will (rightly) end in resentment.

Gonnagetgoing · 01/03/2022 22:36

A few years ago gauging on my brother and a close male platonic friend of mine I never paid on dates until at least second or third month of seeing them. I would get coffee etc though.

Nowadays I don’t mind and go dutch. Current boyfriend often pays for me even if I offer. But I get other stuff so it evens out.

Anniefrenchfry · 01/03/2022 22:36

Who pays for this full dinner op?

LittleRedChevette · 01/03/2022 22:37

What do you do the other times you see each other, when you’re not going out for dinner?

You say you both have good jobs but do you both earn a similar amount? Can you both afford to eat out every week?

Maybe he feels you’re past the “dating” stage and becoming partners?

I agree that you should pay your fair share if going out for dinner but taking turns would be more appealing to me than splitting the bill. I went out with someone who did this but earned a good bit more than me and would have three courses and loads of wine (to him it didn’t matter). After a while I’d only have a single course and no wine (he’d still be going for it with all the courses etc) and be dreading the bill the whole time. Wasn’t much fun Blush and it didn’t last. Financial dynamics can be tricky.

Your guy doesn’t sound like this though… he’s been very generous for 6 months.

PurpleDaisies · 01/03/2022 22:37

@Pussycat02

I suppose in my mind I kinda think if we go for a cheap meal on a Friday is it the d of the world if he pays 20 pounds for me with all the cooking I do for him
If you don’t want to cook, tell him that. He’s obviously comfortable asking you for a more even split of the eating out costs so you’re justified (if you felt you needed to be) raising the cooking with him.
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/03/2022 22:39

You go Dutch, he starts cooking.

Fair!

Gonnagetgoing · 01/03/2022 22:39

I agree with you OP men of a certain generation do like paying on dates.

I had a few dates with a friend of a friend a few years back who made it seem like he was “treating” me to a meal even though it wasn’t really my type of place and he insisted he paid which was irritating. Then made it seem like I owed him something! Hmm

LittleRedChevette · 01/03/2022 22:39

*the guy I was seeing insisted on splitting the bill each time even though he’d eaten/drank about 4/5 of it.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/03/2022 22:41

Has he ever cooked for you op?

I'm he obvious answer here is, without being too regimented about it, is you both weekly cook one home meal each for the other one, and go Dutch or take turns on your night out.

CorvusPurpureus · 01/03/2022 22:41

I'm in my 50s.

I'd expect things to be equitable. So if we go out for dinner, we'd take it in turns to pick up the bill.

Going Dutch would also work, but unless there's a massive discrepancy whereby one partner is swilling down cocktails, steak & after dinner cognac, I'd go with alternating the bill.

But you're cooking regularly at home for him? So perhaps needs to do that, too.

I'd say that you just need to let go of the 'but I'm his lady' notions, & look at whether there's a fair distribution of effort & expense. You say you're both on a decent wage.

Do things feel that they generally work, out 50/50?

Rosiestraws · 01/03/2022 22:42

I agree with the posters who are saying if you are cooking twice a week (and presumably paying for the food) then him paying once a week for you to eat out, if he earns substantially more than you as well, is certainly fine! I think if he wants to split the meal out now then, as a PP suggested, you should ask him to cook one of the times a week - that seems most fair if that's what he's aiming for! You split meals out and each cook once a week.

I suspect he's being short sighted and not appreciating the money and effort that goes in to cooking meals twice a week for someone else!

arethereanyleftatall · 01/03/2022 22:43

Thing is, if you want to be treated 'old school' with this kind of thing, are you happy to be treated 'old school' back in terms of sexism, ie housework and cooking is your job.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/03/2022 22:44

@arethereanyleftatall

Thing is, if you want to be treated 'old school' with this kind of thing, are you happy to be treated 'old school' back in terms of sexism, ie housework and cooking is your job.
She is cooking!
Original poster
Pussycat02 · 01/03/2022 22:45

It’s so strange with dating , I have friends who’s boyfriends just don’t let them pay for anything they are very old school , I was married a very long time so just totally bewildered by whole thing 😊

OP posts:
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