Who pays on dates

[Pussycat02]

Iv been with my bf six months we see each other 3 times a week but only go out to eat once a week , we are both in our fifties and have good jobs , we don’t eat at expensive restaurants when we go out and he always pays , suddenly this week he said he thinks we should go Dutch on dates , I have to add that usually every month or so I foot the bill to say thank you as feel this is right . I feel a bit upset as to be taken out once a week I feel he should want to pay as I’m his lady , am I being totally wrong here , I feel he’s suddenly changed the goal post from insisting on paying for me to going Dutch , I Woukd appreciate some advice

Agree with him, but ask for half the money towards the food he is eating in the week. Personally I hate it when things get so transactional but you must bring it up that you are paying to feed him too & he hasn’t offered to go Dutch!

Agree with him and tell him he can cook for you once a week to keep things even. My dh always pays when we go out. He usually pays for takeaways too. I do most cooking but he sometimes cooks for me.

@Pussycat02

It’s so strange with dating , I have friends who’s boyfriends just don’t let them pay for anything they are very old school , I was married a very long time so just totally bewildered by whole thing 😊

Really?

Sorry - cross post. I see you cook for him twice a week.

I agree with journeynotdestination’s post and about hating the transactional view.

Tell him he’s to cook at his one of those nights. Does he stay at yours a lot too?

Fuck that! You cook for him twice a week, surely he can part with 20 quid for some pub grub.
I was in a similar situ once, he always wanted to come to mine, stay at mine, when I said, for a change he could cook at his, he had the cheek to factor in his travel cost to mine (6miles) turns out he’d been clocking up the cost of the relationship all along, down to picking up x2 jacket potato’s once on his way to mine, months previously.
I instantly get twitchy with new dates if I get a sense they’re tight now, total turn off!
I don’t think your boyfriend wants it to be equal, I think he’s tight and taking the piss.

I have friends who’s boyfriends just don’t let them pay for anything

You mean their boyfriends say they’re paying and your friends decide to just accept that. It’s a choice. If it isn’t a choice, who wants to be in a a relationship with someone who won’t let you make your own decisions?

Kite22 but op is paying for far more than he is

Not sure how. I wouldn't spend anywhere near the cost of a meal out, on the ingredients for 2 meals, let alone 'far more'

Although that is a somewhat different issue. Unless the OP really enjoys cooking for people, then it is about the work involved, so I would expect a fairly even split of each half of the couple cooking for the other one in terms of effort as much as cost.

What I can't get over is the OP expressing utter surprise that she should be expecting to pay her way in life as if it is some modern / new thing, when she is in the same age group as me, and I have always expected to pay my way. Possibly treated one time, then I treat the next, or possibly splitting the bil, but it has never been the case - as the OP seems to be trying to imply - that it is "normal" for a person to be treated everywhere they go just because they are female.

Even better - suggest going out twice a week and no nights in cooking for you. Will be cheaper and no cooking/dishes.

From early on in our relationship whenever my partner and i go out, away for a weekend or on a weeks holiday we put x amount in each to pay for food and drinks and anything left we split or put towards the next time.
Save all the 'who's turn is it to pay'.
It works well for us.

@TempNameChangexx

Are you sure you're not from the 50s rather than being in your 50s? I'm 60 and I would never expect the man to pay all the time, I always go dutch....

Are you not actually reading the OP's posts? She cooks for him twice a week! She's actually spending at least what he is if not more, plus the effort of cooking meals. Gosh you're rude

@Kite22 maybe OP is taking the holistic view of her ingredients, preparation and cleaning twice a week and a reciprocal treat of a meal out once a week?

If her partner is much wealthier then maybe this is in line with what they can afford on a regular basis.

Yabu (I’m 58).
First date, person who invited pays. Thereafter, you go Dutch (if you are on equal income, less frequently if not but certainly should be some sort of two way street).

It’s just I don’t want to be taken for granted and dating has changed so much , I’m Greek and I suppose in my community it’s more traditional that men foot the bill , well it was 30 years ago

I think I may suggest take it in turns to pay and scrap cooking him large Greek meals , I cook for my sons and grandchildren so I’m always used to doing large meals at home

Fuck that! You cook for him twice a week, surely he can part with 20 quid for some pub grub.

A mid range chain restaurant like Cote or similar can easily cost £70ish + quid for two people with wine. I'm assuming the ingredients for a home cooked meal will not be anywhere near that.

Anyway, if a couple feel they need to get their calculators out to work out what's fair in their outgoings it sounds pretty shit.

First date, person who invited pays

How often do you ask someone out for dinner?

Not often, husband and I sort of mutually agree it and our finances are shared, joint account.
When I was young, quite often.

I'd be annoyed if he never cooks/sorts out a meal in, tbh.

I'm a good cook, whereas my current bloke could burn water. So if we are eating at his place he organises a takeaway or buys something muppet proof like a supermarket pizza & sides - which I'm not wildly enthusiastic about, but meh, he has other qualities I like!

If we are at mine, I cook, because I like cooking.

If we go out, we pay the bill in turns.

It averages out. I'd say I spend slightly less because me cooking dinner from scratch costs less than him buying idiot proof stuff, but equally, I do the effort of pottering round the kitchen which he CBA with/is rubbish at.

It comes down to whether you feel vaguely equal levels of effort & expenditure are in place, not being his 'lady'! Surely?

When I was young, quite often

Fair play to you!

Usually when some women insist on the 'whoever asks pays' school of thought know that it is still somewhat expected for the man to still do the asking, which is convenient.

@Pussycat02

I think I may suggest take it in turns to pay and scrap cooking him large Greek meals , I cook for my sons and grandchildren so I’m always used to doing large meals at home

I think this is your best bet. I don’t think YABU, you cook, he doesn’t. Cooking takes a lot of time and effort as well as money. That said, I think it’s unrealistic to expect that he will always pay, any time you go out.

I'd say ok, I'll pay but we'll also share the cooking from now on.
I'm 60 in three weeks and I'd always pay my share, or alternate who pays. I mean presumably you started dating in the 80s and women paid their way then. My husband cooked far more than me when dating, and he generally did pay after first few dates but he earned about 20 times what I did.

I would just use his suggestion as a springboard for working out how things are going to work now you've been together a little while. He shouldn't be paying for you "because your his lady" though, but if he wants to even things up then, yes, you should be doing that for the meals you've been cooking too.

I'm in my 50s too, but I've always split things when dating, unless it's a birthday treat or something.

He’s mean. You’re feeding him far more than he’s feeding you.

Why should the cash element be 50:50 when the work element is 90:10? And let’s not add that at work women get paid less.

These ‘equal’ arguments are never fair.

Why should the cash element be 50:50 when the work element is 90:10?

This. Unless he cleans up, washes up, puts away and so on. In which case maybe!

Well it sounds like the honeymoon period is well and truly over doesn’t it! Considering you cook your boyfriend nice meals twice a week I think he is being very tight to resent stumping up for a weekly inexpensive meal for you. I hate tightness so that would put me right off him I’m afraid.