Suggest some new rhymes for Katie Melua to use

[UnquietDad]

Young Katie's new song has obviously been co-written with Year 2.

How about

If you were a lollipop I'd suck you
If you were a low bridge I would duck you
If you were a teddy bear I'd tuck
you
in
to
bed.

If you were a curry I would eat you
If you were an infection I would treat you
If I was a hooligan I'd beat
you
in
the
head.

if you were tuna i would flake you
if you were milky I would shake you
if you were here I'd make you
shut
right
up

If you were a gymnast I'd contort you
If you were a line Kate Moss'd snort you
If I could I would deport you
to
the
friggin'
moon.

if you my hair I would dye you
if you were a puddle I would dry you
if you were bacon I would fry you
til
you
were
nice
and
crispy
and
then
put
you
in
a
sandwich

PMSL CatIsSleepy
Which patricular song has started all this? Not sure I've heard it

If you were a coffee I would drink you
If you were a snooker ball I would sink you
I can't believe that you think
you
really
can
sing

Damn I missed funnypeculiar's post.

I'll think of another. Hold on. That last one only took 40 mins.

If you were a mountain I would climb you
If you were a slug I would slime you
If you were a poem I would rhyme you
disregarding
sense

If I were 'Street' then I would diss you
If you were an appointment I would miss you
If you were money I would piss
you
up
the
wall.

If you were a fly
I would swat you
If you were Mariah Carey
I'd garrot you
If you were mouldy bread
I'd let you rot into
a
hairy
heap
in
my
bin

actually this is harder than it looks...

katy44 - the new one. i.e. this one

Oh this is great, don't think I can top CatisSleepythough, i really want a bacon sarnie now

If you were a tomato I would sauce you
If we were married I'd divorce you
If you were playing I would pause you
before
I felt
sick

if you were hair i would brush you
if you were slow i would rush you
if you were a turd i would flush
you
down
the
loo

it is, isn't it Danceswd
I have a new-found respect for Ms Melua

she must be touched at all this fan mail

It's actually hilarious the first time you hear it - you see the clunky rhymes lumbering over the horizon and there is nothing you can do about it.

Ah, poor love, she's only about 10yrs isn't she?!

(btw I meant this whole thread was great not my effort, reading back it looks like that's what I was getting at )

Although, if you are watching that YouTube video, I have a lot of time for the way she gets up looking dishevelled at about 3:38. And she did once say "bollocks" on Celeb PopMaster. As Ken Bruce remarked afterwards:

"face of a goddess,
voice of an angel,
mouth of a squaddie."

If you were dead I would toe-tag you
If you keep singing I shall gag you
The boy from Kooks did shag
you
when
you
were
both
at
the
poncey
Brits
school
of
performing
arts.

"If you were a piece of wood I'd nail you to the floor!!" That's a loaded lyric...practically pornographic

LOL at JV's Kook's ref. But then he dumped her which unfortunately had the knock on effect of spawning, sorry, inspiring yet more awful lyrics from the round-vowelled one....

If you were a piece of dough I'd knead you
If you were my garden I would weed you
If you were a vase of flowers I'd
treat
you
like
a
Ming

If you were a cup of tea I'd sip you
If you were a fusebox switch I'd trip you
I'd take you out to dinner if
you
prom
ised
not
to
sing

Rofl @ "...I'd treat you like a ming"

If you were a parcel I would wrap you
If you were a maple tree I would tap you
If you were singing I would slap you
in
the
gob

If you were falling I would assist you
If you were dry I would mist you
If you were spinning I would twist you
like
a
knob

If you were a bicycle I'd ride you
If you were naughty I would chide you
If you were a Rabbit I would hide
you
in
my
drawer

If you were a ticket I would clip you
If you were a pancake I would flip you
If you sing more crap like this I'd ship
you
in
to space