OP, darling, your panicking is his fault though, even if you can’t see it. He messes with your head so you get in a state. He knows you get in a state, he sees i, but he still does it. Do you think a genuinely loving partner would repeatedly do something that they could see made you get in a panicky state?
The answer to that question if you haven’t reached that point is no, a loving partner wouldn’t do that.All of the other posters on this thread who are in healthy relationships will tell you the same. I have a partner. If she did something that really upset me she’d be horrified, likewise me with her.
I’ll tell you a story. When me and DP first got together DP had just started a new job and was struggling. She has always had self esteem issues due to previous abuse and she was really struggling. One day on the phone she said something that really upset me. She wasn’t trying to be hurtful but it tapped right into my own insecurities and it did. The thing she said wasn’t very nice tbh, and although she didn’t mean it I told her that it really was a shitty thing to say. Anyway the next time we saw each other she gave me a massive hug and said that she’d been thinking about it and yes, it was a shitty thing to say, and although she didn’t mean it she’d taken out her own insecurities on me and been very insensitive. She has never said anything like that again, and she now has more insight into how what she said was horrible and that it came from a place of her own insecurity that she shouldn’t take out on me.
That’s quite a boring story, but things like this in a relationship are quite boring, baseline things. It’s not an amazing gesture when someone considers the other’s feelings and reframed from doing and saying things that really hurt the other, it’s just what relationships should be like.
I really encourage you to get in touch with the police. They’ve put you in touch with a DV support unit before so you know they will do that. Yes he’s turned things around on you when you’ve been too afraid to speak, but in all honesty I think they may have been trying to remove you from the situation to a safe place where you could speak.
Honestly, they really will help you, and if you approach them yourself you can speak before he does. They really will believe you, I promise. They really are the best people to help in your circumstances. DV charities have certain parameters within which they work, because they are small and they have specific remits, and because their funding and powers limit what they can do. The police are the door to all the help that is available to you, and they will help you access it. They can get the whells turning quicker than Womens’ Aid or anyone else because they have the keys and the fast track to all those possible doors.
I know it’s hard, I’ve been somewhere close to where you are, but the safe place you think you’re in now is not safe at all. The ground keeps shifting, his behaviour keeps changing, he keeps moving you from place to place when he sees you might have a foothold, he keeps trying to make you ill again when it looks like you might get better.
Let me ask you a question. Did you tell him about the meds before he threatened to kill you and started in on his usual splitting up routine? If he did then there’s your answer and your proof. There are patterns in his behaviour. He doesn’t want you to recognise them because that would undermine his methods of control. There are patterns though and you already recognise them, deep down you do. Once you acknowledge this you can start to predict what will happen and you’ll see that it’s all a way to keep you in this awful situation.
Anyway I’ve bombarded you here, and it might be hard to take in but you can read and re-read all these responses and the understanding will seep in if you let it.
Please be safe, and please try to approach the police. I’ve just dealt with them myself over bullying of my DS and despite how busy they are they’ve been brilliant.
Oh, and one last thing, the neighbours. They know he’s a wife beater, they’ve told him. Of course they know, they live around you. They are not looking at you with hatred, they are looking at him with hatred. Wife beating is considered the lowest of the low. That is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection on him. He is a wife beater, you are not. I’d bet my last penny that they’re worried about you, and if they seem angry it’s because they’re frustrated.
People notice this shit, wife beating, they do not look kindly on wife beaters.